Am I setting myself up for failure with my new lifestyle?

[nc87whf]

Not sure if anyone has experience in this area or can relate - I have been living a digital nomad lifestyle for a little over a year and I have never felt so fulfilled myself. I have struggled with feeling completely home in one city my entire life and thought I finally found the best way to live for myself. I have previously lived in one city for extended amount of time just like everybody else and have found dating unsuccessful like so many others. 

 

Recently, I spent several months dating a man who is also a nomad and we finally met, only for me to find out that he has been dating different women in every location he has been to. Of course during our talking phase, he presented himself as someone who wanted a long-term partner who he travels the world with. I was horrified to discover he made up so many lies and gaslighted me into thinking I did something wrong. Details are not important, but now I’m doubting if my new lifestyle that makes me so happy is going to be even worse for finding a partner because I have felt and heard that many, not all, people who are on this lifestyle have Peter Pan Syndrome (refusing to grow up, emotionally unavailable etc.). On the other hand, I want to find a long-term partner who is also location flexible like myself. 

 

Am I setting myself up for failure? I definitely have heard of nomad dating success stories, but wonder if it’s just a very rare percentage. Is there a way to reconcile how much I enjoy this lifestyle myself and how I also want a long-term relationship with someone who can be on this lifestyle with me?

[Alpacalia]

If you're looking for a partner and to settle down while living a digital nomad lifestyle, don't rush into a relationship right away. Look for people with similar values and goals. Take your time getting to know someone before jumping into a serious commitment. Be honest about your desires for a long-term relationship and your nomad lifestyle, and make sure the person you are interested in is open to the same things.

I would also advise you not to reconsider something that you love and enjoy way before this 1 person came around.

All things considered, if you're moving around a lot it will be challenging to find someone who is willing to follow you indefinitely and some compromises and sacrifices may have to be made.

Edited February 16 by Alpacalia

[FredEire]

22 minutes ago, nc87whf said:

Not sure if anyone has experience in this area or can relate - I have been living a digital nomad lifestyle for a little over a year and I have never felt so fulfilled myself. I have struggled with feeling completely home in one city my entire life and thought I finally found the best way to live for myself. I have previously lived in one city for extended amount of time just like everybody else and have found dating unsuccessful like so many others. 

 

Recently, I spent several months dating a man who is also a nomad and we finally met, only for me to find out that he has been dating different women in every location he has been to. Of course during our talking phase, he presented himself as someone who wanted a long-term partner who he travels the world with. I was horrified to discover he made up so many lies and gaslighted me into thinking I did something wrong. Details are not important, but now I’m doubting if my new lifestyle that makes me so happy is going to be even worse for finding a partner because I have felt and heard that many, not all, people who are on this lifestyle have Peter Pan Syndrome (refusing to grow up, emotionally unavailable etc.). On the other hand, I want to find a long-term partner who is also location flexible like myself. 

 

Am I setting myself up for failure? I definitely have heard of nomad dating success stories, but wonder if it’s just a very rare percentage. Is there a way to reconcile how much I enjoy this lifestyle myself and how I also want a long-term relationship with someone who can be on this lifestyle with me?

As someone who's travelled a lot, the lifestyle does lend itself to flaky people and casual hookups. Of course not everyone is going to be like this but I think it's true as a general rule.

You may be better off dating the local people in whatever location you happen to be as they are likely to be settled already and more open to a commitment. There may be cultural/language barriers of course but I think there's a better chance of meeting someone who wants the same thing as you than with dating other nomads.

[Gaeta]

There are dating apps for every type of people under the sun, I wouldn't be surprised there are dating apps for people living a nomad life style and looking for a partner. 

May I ask how old you are? I'm thinking older people with financial security may be interested in this life style. My brother and his wife, both 55 yo, sold everything and are traveling around the world while maintaining part-time online jobs. Younger than that most people I know want assets and children. 

[Els]

Not myself, but in my last job a lot of my colleagues were fully remote, and that led to a rather interesting spread of lifestyle choices. There was a dude living in his van travelling around Europe. There was a married couple that lived in a bus. And quite a few others, some in long term relationships and some single.

I wouldn't necessarily say that there's always a "Peter Pan" syndrome with digital nomads, but in this day and age there are so many possible ways to be a digital nomad that it's hard to generalise. On the one hand you have the people living in Southeast Asia or South America even though they have US/European citizenship,  because they don't make enough from their digital work to afford to live anywhere else (some of them say it's the lifestyle that makes them choose to live there, which could be partially true... but let's be totally honest - if Medellin or Chiang Mai cost as much as the average developed city, they probably wouldn't be living there).

And on the other hand there are my ex-colleagues, software devs who earn fairly good money and could easily pay rent in the Bay area if they wanted to, but they just chose not to. And, I imagine, plenty of other different situations out there. Some probably lend themselves better to stability with relationships and commitments than others. I think the key is to figure out which ones suit you.

Edited February 16 by Els

[Sony12]

When you aren't leading a settled down lifestyle that lends itself to attracting people who aren't looking to settle down in terms of their dating life either. 

[NuevoYorko]

I'm sure you will encounter a lot of people who are not prioritizing "settling down" in a relationship, but even if you're in one place,  virtual boyfriend types of situations like you were engaged in generally don't end up so good.  Whenever I hear people refer to "dating" when they haven't actually met the person, I am not surprised when I find out that somebody was misleading.

Enjoy your fulfilling life.  You didn't have good luck dating when you were static either.   Maybe this is not the time of your life to try for a partner.  

[ShyViolet]

Yes, I do think you are setting youself up for failure if your goal is to find a dating partner.  Realistically, how would this work?  What are the chances you would meet someone who you have great chemistry with, who just so happens to be ok with travelling around the world with you?  Most people aren't able to do that.  Most people live in one geographic place, due to having a job, family, friends.  It really sounds like having a nomadic lifestyle and travelling around while having a romantic partner would involve the relationship being long distance and "virtual" for much of the time.  And in my opinion that is not a real relationship at all. 

If you want to live a nomadic lifestyle, if you feel that that makes you happy, then go for it.  But don't expect to be able to find a stable relationship while doing that.

[smackie9]

I think you could shorten the investment by meeting quickly, and get to know them thoroughly with dates, not chats over the internet. There are plenty who want the same lifestyle, you need to be more vigilant and not be so trusting of their words. 

[Wiseman2]

 Having this many moving parts, so to speak, will complicate anything as you unfortunately found out from Mr girl-in-every-port.

While "location flexible like myself", seems ok you would both have to be ready willing and able to move around together because what's the point of this lifestyle if you're just following someone around and not doing what you want to do? 

 

[Ami1uwant]

6 hours ago, nc87whf said:

Not sure if anyone has experience in this area or can relate - I have been living a digital nomad lifestyle for a little over a year and I have never felt so fulfilled myself. I have struggled with feeling completely home in one city my entire life and thought I finally found the best way to live for myself. I have previously lived in one city for extended amount of time just like everybody else and have found dating unsuccessful like so many others. 

 

Recently, I spent several months dating a man who is also a nomad and we finally met, only for me to find out that he has been dating different women in every location he has been to. Of course during our talking phase, he presented himself as someone who wanted a long-term partner who he travels the world with. I was horrified to discover he made up so many lies and gaslighted me into thinking I did something wrong. Details are not important, but now I’m doubting if my new lifestyle that makes me so happy is going to be even worse for finding a partner because I have felt and heard that many, not all, people who are on this lifestyle have Peter Pan Syndrome (refusing to grow up, emotionally unavailable etc.). On the other hand, I want to find a long-term partner who is also location flexible like myself. 

 

Am I setting myself up for failure? I definitely have heard of nomad dating success stories, but wonder if it’s just a very rare percentage. Is there a way to reconcile how much I enjoy this lifestyle myself and how I also want a long-term relationship with someone who can be on this lifestyle with me?

If you were a nomad…I wouldn’t waste my time dating you if I knew you were temporary.  
 

you are welcome todo that and I don’t have an issue with it. The issue is it involves a trade off.

[RandallHare]

I have lived in a small rural city for more than a decade now and yes I would say that dating here is difficult. There's not many people here. So I don't think you would have better chances if you go back to your previous lifestyle.

Maybe you need to settle in a metropolitan city. There's a lot of fish in that huge ocean.

But if the nomad lifestyle is what you really want to pursue and you love doing it, remember that you only need to find one man to settle down with. You told that "most but not all" digital nomads are flaky. So just keep searching.

Also, if you found a local in some locality that you click with and are compatible with in several areas, it doesn't mean to say that that man isn't interested in changing his lifestyle.

You have plenty of options.

[Els]

Also, to add, there are varying degrees of "nomad", I guess. H and I have lived in 6 different cities during our time together. Some might consider that nomadic, but we typically stayed for at least a year in every city (and 2-3 years in some), which is longer than the stereotypical "digital nomad" would. The friends whom I'd consider nomad are typically in a different place every few months.

If you really want to do this, a good pairing could be either 2 people with remote jobs, or one person whose job involves a lot of travelling/relocating and one person with a remote job. Obviously, 2 people with travelling jobs would be a bad idea, since you probably wouldn't be travelling to the same place.

[Weezy1973]

On 2/16/2024 at 7:55 AM, nc87whf said:

I have previously lived in one city for extended amount of time just like everybody else and have found dating unsuccessful like so many others. 

 

The phrase “wherever you go, there you are” strikes me as appropriate here. Your lack of dating success likely has very little to do with how and where you live.

[Wiseman2]

Have you seen the movie "Nomadland"? It's a somewhat less glamorous, stark depiction of the lifestyle. There isn't much time for romance in it.

So as far as looking for a partner to do this with you, you may find people into the lifestyle, but they may not be around for long. 

[Alpacalia]

I read a really good article about this once, I wish I could recall it and post it here.

But the gist of it was that it's all about finding the place that you love first.

If you feel you have found the place where you belong, first and foremost, everything else tends to sort itself out. You are a digital nomad and in order to be in a stable relationship, you need to be in a location for an extended period of time to build that settling feeling. I know that in the beginning of my travels, I spent a few months in a city thinking that was a long time and then quickly moved on to the next one. After a year and a half of that, I finally committed to staying somewhere for at least a year.

So, you have to 1) Find the place where you want to be the most 2) Stay there for a decent amount of time (at least a year) to create a stable situation 3) And while you're there, go out, meet people and find someone who is interested in a similar lifestyle.

This may take longer than if you were living in one place, but that's the tradeoff for living on the road. It takes patience, but it's not impossible to find someone who is interested in the same lifestyle as you.

It just requires a bit more effort and a longer time frame.

[Gaeta]

So, you've been doing this nomad life style for 1 year only and here you are trying to find a life partner already. Which I think is a bit contradicting. You want freedom & no attachment to a place but you want the attachment and security of a relationship. Maybe you're not made for this nomad life style and that's why you are trying to anchor yourself in a relationship. 

Why don't you do this nomad life style for a couple of years and see if it really suits you. It's all new now so maybe in another year you'll be fed up with it. You can certainly do a couple of years being single. As I see it, you want to embark someone in this life style you have not even road tested for yourself yet. 

Edited February 19 by Gaeta

[Wiseman2]

It seems like the lifestyle is intended to be temporary. There has been research about the effects of choosing homelessness.

"Although digital nomads enjoy advantages in freedom and flexibility, they report loneliness as their biggest struggle, followed by burnout. Feelings of loneliness are often an issue for digital nomads because nomadism usually requires freedom from personal attachments'. 

[BaileyB]

It only takes one.

Do I think that you are less likely to find a long term partner while travelling the world and moving from place to place - perhaps. Those who are looking for a long term partnership but not interested in the lifestyle will not date you. But, we’re better to find someone who does like this lifestyle than dating other people who are travelling in the same circles… At the end of the day, it only takes one. It will happen when it’s meant to happen and if it doesn’t - well, at least you are living a life that you love. 

[ZA Dater]

I think you need to look at the positives of your chosen lifestyle rather than the negatives. The big positive is you get to meet different people organically without resorting to dating apps and the other positive is there is already a network of nomads so that will bring some common ground, both of which are positive.

My advice would be the enjoy your lifestyle without being too focused on finding the "one".

[nc87whf]

On 2/19/2024 at 6:23 AM, Gaeta said:

So, you've been doing this nomad life style for 1 year only and here you are trying to find a life partner already. Which I think is a bit contradicting. You want freedom & no attachment to a place but you want the attachment and security of a relationship. Maybe you're not made for this nomad life style and that's why you are trying to anchor yourself in a relationship. 

Why don't you do this nomad life style for a couple of years and see if it really suits you. It's all new now so maybe in another year you'll be fed up with it. You can certainly do a couple of years being single. As I see it, you want to embark someone in this life style you have not even road tested for yourself yet. 

Thank you for this perspective. I think why I chose this lifestyle while also wanting a long-term relationship is because 1) I love being stimulated by new experiences - not a thrill seeker in the traditional way, but I thrive on learning about another culture and experiencing something different regularly 2) however, I am definitely not the "I want no attachment and security whatsoever" type of person. I don't actually move from one country to another aimlessly - I now do have a homebase that I'm staying for at least 6 months out of the year but every year, I feel like if I don't spend a few months elsewhere I don't feel as fulfilled. 

[nc87whf]

On 2/19/2024 at 7:41 AM, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like the lifestyle is intended to be temporary. There has been research about the effects of choosing homelessness.

"Although digital nomads enjoy advantages in freedom and flexibility, they report loneliness as their biggest struggle, followed by burnout. Feelings of loneliness are often an issue for digital nomads because nomadism usually requires freedom from personal attachments'. 

A true nomad - meaning no home base whatsoever and move as they wish indeed may require freedom from personal attachments. I agree. Personally, I'm more of a hybrid - I love having a home base for half of the year and spend the other half experiencing a new locale. In fact, I have found 1-2 countries that I enjoy the most outside of my home base that I much prefer visiting again and again rather than moving aimlessly. 

[nc87whf]

On 2/18/2024 at 5:23 PM, Alpacalia said:

I read a really good article about this once, I wish I could recall it and post it here.

But the gist of it was that it's all about finding the place that you love first.

If you feel you have found the place where you belong, first and foremost, everything else tends to sort itself out. You are a digital nomad and in order to be in a stable relationship, you need to be in a location for an extended period of time to build that settling feeling. I know that in the beginning of my travels, I spent a few months in a city thinking that was a long time and then quickly moved on to the next one. After a year and a half of that, I finally committed to staying somewhere for at least a year.

So, you have to 1) Find the place where you want to be the most 2) Stay there for a decent amount of time (at least a year) to create a stable situation 3) And while you're there, go out, meet people and find someone who is interested in a similar lifestyle.

This may take longer than if you were living in one place, but that's the tradeoff for living on the road. It takes patience, but it's not impossible to find someone who is interested in the same lifestyle as you.

It just requires a bit more effort and a longer time frame.

Thank you - I agree very much to this approach. I have found 1-2 places that I love the most already and am planning to mostly be in those places while taking shorter trips elsewhere. I am setting a home base this year so I can be there longer. I agree that meeting people in the home base or the other locations I spend longer period of time in who have a similar remote work arrangement as myself could make it work better. 

[nc87whf]

On 2/18/2024 at 2:08 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Have you seen the movie "Nomadland"? It's a somewhat less glamorous, stark depiction of the lifestyle. There isn't much time for romance in it.

So as far as looking for a partner to do this with you, you may find people into the lifestyle, but they may not be around for long. 

Indeed I have seen the movie. It was a very moving story and I enjoyed it. I think mine is a little different than theirs and I'm starting to restructure my location pattern this year to be more settled yet flexible. 

[nc87whf]

On 2/16/2024 at 8:00 AM, Alpacalia said:

If you're looking for a partner and to settle down while living a digital nomad lifestyle, don't rush into a relationship right away. Look for people with similar values and goals. Take your time getting to know someone before jumping into a serious commitment. Be honest about your desires for a long-term relationship and your nomad lifestyle, and make sure the person you are interested in is open to the same things.

I would also advise you not to reconsider something that you love and enjoy way before this 1 person came around.

All things considered, if you're moving around a lot it will be challenging to find someone who is willing to follow you indefinitely and some compromises and sacrifices may have to be made.

Indeed lesson learned - I learned tremendously through this relationship and will never try to jump into anything this quickly. It could have worked out if both people are looking for the same thing (long term) despite our traveling lifestyle and willing to make small adjustments to keep getting to know the other person; and if neither is too emotionally invested too early on so that we could see signs clearly, it could potentially work out or if not, both would be ready to move on without too much emotional exhaustion.