Past relationships

[Tri-City Sam]

I am a widowed senior who has begun a somewhat casual relationship. And by that I mean there’s been no discussion regarding the relationship, as to exclusive or not. Although neither one of us are dating others.

My question is about past relationships. Although never a question asked, a couple comments reference it.  My opinion is that at our age there is no doubt a lot of past history. I  don’t see a need for me to ask questions, or for that matter answer questions about the past 30 years,  rather focus on this relationship. Am I handling this correctly?

[Wiseman2]

Yes you're handing this correctly. Is your new lady friend asking too many questions? Keep things basic and focused on the present situation. 

[Alpacalia]

Maybe there are/is a particular relationship that you're not that comfortable talking about and what could make your relationship quite uncomfortable in which case it's perfectly acceptable that you don't want to talk about it.

Everyone has past relationships.

Not sharing anything about you or past relationships could come across as secretive or uninterested in opening up and being vulnerable– and this might be seen as a red flag.

Of course, you're not going to want to share the nitty gritty details or all of the gory history right off the bat nor should you, but sharing basic information isn't a big deal.

This is a casual relationship though so I suppose not sharing anything makes sense.

Edited February 16, 2024 by Alpacalia

[ShyViolet]

If I was dating someone, I would want to know the very basic facts of their dating history, such as what is the longest relationship they have been in, have they ever been married, how old were they when they had their first serious relationship, things like that.  I would not want to hear the drama or details of past relationships.  If a person seems secretive about their dating history and doesn't want to share ANYTHING about it, that would be a bit of a red flag to me.  If a person has never been in a relationship as an adult older than 30, to me that's a red flag as well.

[Gaeta]

Same for me, l want to know how many long term  relationships and how long, l don't care to know about short term dating. If at 60 a man never had a relationship above 2-5 years l would pass. 

[Tri-City Sam]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Same for me, l want to know how many long term  relationships and how long, l don't care to know about short term dating. If at 60 a man never had a relationship above 2-5 years l would pass. 

Well, mine was 40 years, but I still don’t want to talk detail.  

[Wiseman2]

At a certain age everyone has a past and a lifetime of experiences. After the basics,  it's better to live in the present and focus on whatever is in front of you. 

[Gaeta]

9 hours ago, Tri-City Sam said:

Well, mine was 40 years, but I still don’t want to talk detail.  

But are you willing to share with a new girlfriend why your marriage ended?

[FMW]

 

9 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

But are you willing to share with a new girlfriend why your marriage ended?

The first sentence of his post says  "I am a widowed senior".  

I'm divorced after a 23 year marriage and involved with a widower who was in an unhappy marriage for much of their 20 years together before her death.  We've each volunteered some details to each other about those and other past relationships that might be relevant to explain what led in part to who each of us are today, how we think about things.  But beyond that volunteered information, neither of us have ever asked questions of the other about the marriages or other past relationships. 

At our ages (59 and 60) we are focused on appreciating and enjoying each other in the here and now. 

 

[Wiseman2]

This is also best to keep general and discreet.  No one wants to hear gory details of someone's divorce. In fact going on about that is a huge red flag. 

[Gaeta]

38 minutes ago, FMW said:

The first sentence of his post says  "I am a widowed senior".  

oopsie! but the principal is the same. If someone does not want to share 'anything' of his past 40 year marriage, there's a little flag waving.

There is a right middle between being totally secretive and sharing too much.

[mortensorchid]

LTRs play parts in our lives.  Period.  No matter if it's with your family or your past SOs / spouses.  I would think that someone will talk about their past in some way, shape or form because the past is part of who we are.  And if you mention this or that or whatever else, that's acceptable.  You're doing it right.

[Alpacalia]

21 hours ago, Tri-City Sam said:

Well, mine was 40 years, but I still don’t want to talk detail.  

I don't think it so much matters that you prefer not to talk about it. And, I would be okay with you not wanting to talk about it. That is, as long as you are open to at least sharing about what you have learned that makes this relationship valuable to you.  

I get the feeling though that maybe given what you've mentioned, talking about it may be still raw for you. That is totally fine and I don't blame you. Like I said, no one knows what happened, so why care about that.  

But it would also make me wonder if you're truly 100% ready for this new relationship given that there are obviously still some scars you're dealing with. Whether or not that is affecting your ability to be completely open and honest in this new relationship is something you should think about. 

[Lotsgoingon]

I believe in talking about the past because I want to know the person. I need to talk about the past somewhat to even figure out if this person is safe!

I've talked a lot with women I've dated about their past romances. Didn't rattle me in the slightest. 

But if you're just having a physical relationship, then I get you. You may be of the school that avoids asking too many questions. I'm not in that school.

One thing you should probably know if that once you start having sex with someone, one partner might easily assume the other partner wants a more serious relationship. That happens quite frequently, even among people who say, "I'm not looking for anything serious."