Loving someone from a distance is hard

[Stephanie123]

I have been in a relationship with a guy for about 1.5 years. In general I can describe our relationship as good and healthy in the way we treated each other. We clicked really wel and also connected on a deep level. 

But I also noticed he has a lot of anxiety and fears about everything. Not just about love but in his overall life. A lot of times he felt really drained and fled in playing video games.

Sometimes we talked about our struggles and fears to each other. In hindsight, I believe it was really special how much he opened up to me about everything considering how much extra anxiety it brought him as well. His family and friends don't know about his struggles. He even told me after openening up to me he felt more connected to me. At the same time the more we connected the more he needed his space as well to 'recharge' and the more anxiety he got about being around me as well. He told me he had this anxiety issues all his life. I encouraged him to maybe talk to a therapist but didn't press. I just supported. 

I really love him. But I was not naïeve. I always believed his issues were extremely deep rooted and way worse than he let on and he knew how to mask them in front of people to function in his day to day life. He could mask them with everyone except me. I also knew if his anxiety got too much that maybe love wouldn't be enough. 

I knew the last month of our relationship he was in a dark place. He even told me in tears it was not going well with him. That he was going to seek help. I supported him again. He never sought the help. 

A week before the breakup he was in a very bad mood also telling me thinks like sometimes i miss you sometimes i don't. He loved my affection but also found it smothering. Sometimes he loved me being there and sometimes he couldn't stand me being around him. I'm quite a rational person, but I felt like I was being dragged in the darkness as well. I told him calmly he seriously needed to seek help and I was not going to sleep in the same bed with him tonight. He was clearly upset about that. Also telling me in tears how much he had grown to love me that night.

The whole week he was telling me he would seek the help from a professional.. until he broke up with me. He was telling me he realised he was never honest with himself and never actually loved me. He was just infatuated and it never grew to love. He was still very anxious around me and never felt recharged after being with me and never missed me so he concluded he never loved me and he just made himself believe he loved me and made the relationship more special in his head. And that he had a little bit of issues but it was never that bad.

The words really hurt. I told him I hope he seeks help someday.

I didn't contact him, because I felt extremely hurt and drained after this. But I also feel worried about him. He is not okay mentally, I know that, regardless of how he actually feels about me and our relationship. He did reach out to me a week after the breakup to see if we could meet up to talk about the breakup. I told him he was extremely cruel during the breakup and there was no reason to talk for me. Only if he ever would have therapy for awhile and he would like to talk about that in the future we could maybe talk someday otherwise not. I got a lengthy message after that about how he feels extremely guilty. He was just never honest with himself, just the whole breakup mantra again by text and that he felt like i deserved better and he would seek help.

I never responded. I think he didn't expect that since I was always there for him when he needed me. But I can only take so much. It is tough to ignore him as well knowing he is not in a good place. And he was really caring and good for me during the relationship as well, it was not all darkness. If I was not so attuned to him I probably would've described it as one of the 'out of the blue' breakups.

It has now been a few weeks since the breakup. It is a really tough spot to be in with a lot of mixed emotions. Sometimes I think it is better to reach out to let him know I still have his back but most of the time I feel like I need to let this go. It's not about getting back together, because I don't think that is a wise idea. It's about loving someone so much you want whats best for them and that he will feel good again. How do you love someone from a distance ..

 

[d0nnivain]

It's sweet of you to still care but it's not healthy for you.  He has made it clear that he wants to be alone.  Even if that is the dumbest idea ever, he still gets to make bad decisions.  

[Beachead]

@Stephanie123

I'm sorry you're hurting.

At some point, you have to draw the line, because as you mentioned, inheriting his baggage will eventually affect your mental-health and bleed into the rest of your life and drag you down. That is a place you don't want to be in.  It's good you two broke it off.  I think you know it's not up to you to fix him.  He's the only person who can do that.  

- Beach

Edited February 17 by Beachead

[Alpacalia]

You made the right decision to not respond to his message. 

Loving someone from a distance means accepting that you cannot be the one to help them with their problems. It means letting them go and focusing on your own healing and growth. It also means not allowing someone to continue to hurt you, even if they are struggling themselves.

[ShyViolet]

5 hours ago, Stephanie123 said:

It has now been a few weeks since the breakup. It is a really tough spot to be in with a lot of mixed emotions. Sometimes I think it is better to reach out to let him know I still have his back but most of the time I feel like I need to let this go. It's not about getting back together, because I don't think that is a wise idea. It's about loving someone so much you want whats best for them and that he will feel good again. How do you love someone from a distance ..

 

You are his ex girlfriend.  It is not your place to help him or "have his back" with his mental health issues.  Your job now is to take care of yourself and allow yourself to move on from this.  It would be a bad idea to stay connected to him at this point.  He is an adult and it's his responsibility to work on himself and deal with his own issues.  You need to detach from this and move on.