FeelingReallyBlue Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 I was in a very short relationship with a beautiful woman. Both of us are in our mid 40's. We met in a group environment and I had no idea that she liked me or thought I was cute. We started talking over the days/weeks, adding social media and then texting talking. I had mentioned to her early on that I didn't think I was ready for a relationship. I am not the best looking guy, I have low self esteem, I have traumas from past relationships and childhood that are completely unresolved. I am in therapy. She had similar traumas and recreated herself. The emotional and physical attraction was very strong, something I have never had before. As good as it made me feel, there was this lingering feeling that I am not good enough for her. She was very patient with some of my insecurities. She also is very social, all the men hit on her, not her fault. She likes to go out dancing, I am not from this state so I am new to that, it intimidates me. There are other things that I am insecure about. Despite the attraction she had for me and vice versa, my foot was out the door, for her sake and sanity as I am in the infant stages of my therapy. Valentines day I had to work and we had plans to celebrate the next day. She informed me that she was going out with her friends to open mic night and dinner. I am told her it's Valentines Day and you shouldn't be going out without your boyfriend, even though I had to work. She went anyway. I also had a pretty bad doctors appointment in the morning that she knew about. Usually when I text her leaving work she calls me. She didn't. I called her, she answered and we got into an argument, didn't even get to discuss how I felt disrespected that she didn't come talk to me first about going out with friends on Valentines day. I wound up hanging up on her, something completely out of character. I was so angry driving home, I texted her that I didn't want to see her tomorrow and basically things are over. I regret how it ended. The next day she didn't contact me. I unfriended her on Facebook. I see she untagged all of our pictures together so I deleted them. She blocked me. I don't intend on contacting her. I am just extremely hurt and sad that I got involved with someone who I feel was a 10 and I am a 2, I will never see the likes of someone like her again, physically, emotionally etc. There are other facets about the relationship which I will get into later that bothered me. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 (edited) 3 hours ago, FeelingReallyBlue said: She informed me that she was going out with her friends to open mic night and dinner. I am told her it's Valentines Day and you shouldn't be going out without your boyfriend, even though I had to work. Sorry mate, but you were really out of line here. And dare I say, controlling. While you may feel disrespected, her choice to hang out with her mates was entirely appropriate. It's hardly as if she was on a date with someone else. She did the right thing in standing up to you when you tried to tell her what she can and cannot do Edited February 18 by basil67 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingReallyBlue Posted February 18 Author Share Posted February 18 3 minutes ago, basil67 said: Sorry mate, but you were really out of line here. And dare I say, controlling. While you may feel disrespected, her choice to hang out with her mates was entirely appropriate. It's hardly as if she was on a date with someone else. She did the right thing in exiting when you tried to tell her what she can and cannot do I didn't tell her what she could and could not do, I merely stated that I was uncomfortable for it. In fact, my therapist said today that I was right to be uncomfortable. This was just an exit strategy calculated by her to get me to break up with her. She knew it would bother me. If you actually read, I am the one who broke things off. I broke up with her. Not vice versa. 3 minutes ago, basil67 said: Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 Unfortunately it seems more like you were looking for an exit strategy and a reason to blame her and make her feel guilty and awful.(for nothing, basically). Sadly your insecurities seem to be driving this. Please try not to hurt people along the way on your journey to feeling better about yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 (edited) 55 minutes ago, FeelingReallyBlue said: I didn't tell her what she could and could not do, I merely stated that I was uncomfortable for it. In fact, my therapist said today that I was right to be uncomfortable. No, you said "I am told her it's Valentines Day and you shouldn't be going out without your boyfriend" This isn't telling her that you're uncomfortable, it's telling her what she should or should not do. But even if you were uncomfortable, did you seriously think she should stay home doing nothing when she had an invitation to go out with her friends? It was an open mic night, not a candle lit dinner with a male friend. Sorry for missing that you broke up with her. It doesn't change my view though. Best to avoid trying to limit appropriate behaviour of a partner, due to your own securities. Edited February 18 by basil67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingReallyBlue Posted February 18 Author Share Posted February 18 33 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Unfortunately it seems more like you were looking for an exit strategy and a reason to blame her and make her feel guilty and awful.(for nothing, basically). Sadly your insecurities seem to be driving this. Please try not to hurt people along the way on your journey to feeling better about yourself. Please don't shame me for having insecurities, I am actively trying to work through them in therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingReallyBlue Posted February 18 Author Share Posted February 18 3 minutes ago, basil67 said: No, you said "I am told her it's Valentines Day and you shouldn't be going out without your boyfriend" This isn't telling her that you're uncomfortable, it's telling her what she should or should not do. But even if you were uncomfortable, did you seriously think she should stay home doing nothing when she had an invitation to go out with her friends? It was an open mic night, not a candle lit dinner with a male friend. Sorry for missing that you broke up with her. It doesn't change my view though. Best to avoid trying to limit appropriate behaviour of a partner, due to your own securities. And how do you know her friends were not male? Because they are. I never limited her behavior in the past, we always talked about things. This she decided it was ok to do. Most of my friends and even my therapist said it was inappropriate. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 (edited) 8 minutes ago, FeelingReallyBlue said: And how do you know her friends were not male? Because they are. I never limited her behavior in the past, we always talked about things. This she decided it was ok to do. Most of my friends and even my therapist said it was inappropriate. I did not suggest anything about the gender of the people in her friend group. And even if there were male friends, it was a group outing at an open mic night. Not a romantic dinner for two Edited February 18 by basil67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingReallyBlue Posted February 18 Author Share Posted February 18 4 minutes ago, basil67 said: I did not suggest anything about the gender of the people in her friend group. And even if there were male friends, it was a group outing at an open mic night. Not a romantic dinner for two The bottom line is that I felt uncomfortable by it. People are allowed to have feelings. She has expressed in the past about being uncomfortable about something or someone and we talked through it. It was dinner and open mic night, on valentines day with two single friends. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 (edited) 23 minutes ago, FeelingReallyBlue said: The bottom line is that I felt uncomfortable by it. People are allowed to have feelings. She has expressed in the past about being uncomfortable about something or someone and we talked through it. It was dinner and open mic night, on valentines day with two single friends. We all have a right to our feelings and it's OK to express them. I get it - I don't like when my husband has sometimes gone out drinking with mates, but I know that I can't expect him to stop going just because lie awake worrying until he gets in. Unless you believe your girlfriend was planning something sexually or romantically inappropriate with both or either of the two men she was with, there's nothing inherently wrong with her choice of attending a non-romantic venue on Valentines night. Of course, had you had a date planned and she stood you up for these guys, I'd have a very different response. Edited February 18 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 27 minutes ago, FeelingReallyBlue said: The bottom line is that I felt uncomfortable by it. People are allowed to have feelings. Yes you're allowed to feel uncomfortable about something and you are allowed to have feelings. But you telling her you were "uncomfortable" with this was indeed very unreasonable and controlling of you. You can have your feelings all you want, but there are consequences for them. And the consequence here is that you pushed her away. You were a huge jerk to her and you treated her badly. You keep using your low self-esteem and your "trauma" as an excuse for that. You are definitely not in a headspace to be in a relationship. I know you said you are already working on all this in therapy, which is a good start. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted February 19 Share Posted February 19 Hair trigger response. You a lot of work to do. It's gonna long, hard, painful journey but it's time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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