Th ex files and mentioninitis - ride it out or say something?

[Insignificantdetails]

I posted a while ago about a guy who I was in the early days of dating. It has all been going really well and developing at a really nice pace. He's very generous, proactive and level headed, ambitious - everything I want. 

But his ex wife has become a bit of a ubiquitous topic. They were together for over 10 years since they were teenagers and most of their 20s. I asked him who filed for divorce - he told me she did: 'Once I commit, I commit. I also never revisit or go back to a relationship unless kids are involved'. Neither of us have children yet.

Anyway it turns out she divorced him but they remain friends. She comes up in conversation frequently, usually in the context of 'oh I went there on my honeymoon' or 'oh that happened to ex wife once, bla bla'. She comes up often.

I'm not expecting him to erase years or his adult life. But I feel it's too much and I want to be with someone who is dedicated to making space for us to grow.

I realize that if we stay together, our memories will become more important and hopefully she'll fade out as a topic. But it's getting on my nerves in the present. Would you ride it out or say something?

[Wiseman2]

How long ago were they divorced? It may be a bad habit. You could interject with "let's keep the focus on us and our relationship" to make him aware of it. 

[Insignificantdetails]

@Wiseman2 they divorced two years ago.

I worry that by saying I want to hear less about her he will feel he can't talk about his life. She was part of most of life so far.

On the other hand hearing about her so often is tedious  - even though I don't get the sense he's still in love with her.

[Wiseman2]

Yes she was a large part of her life. But it's rude to crowd you out as just an audience to his former marriage. You're not his therapist. Please stand up for yourself. 

Edited February 18 by Wiseman2

[stillafool]

Married for 10 years and only divorced for 2, plus she being the one who called for the divorce; I would say he's not over her yet.  I wouldn't want to be a rebound.

[Insignificantdetails]

@stillafool they've been divorced for 2 years but actually split up 4 years ago.

I'm thinking that if it continues I need to raise it and also say - I'm looking to build a relationship with someone who has worked past previous relationship baggage and looking to forge something new without that roadblock.

I don't actually feel as though he's still in love with her - he seems to adore me and expresses that constantly - but there is obviously some ongoing emotional attachment there. As you say, I don't fancy being the rebound.

[Alpacalia]

How do you feel about saying to him that although I'm there for him and support him, his ex wife isn't a topic I want to hear about often and that I'd prefer him to make space for the future instead?

[ShyViolet]

How long have you been dating him?

Communication is important in a relationship.  If something is bothering you, you should be able to address it.  Don't keep this bottled up.  I would casually bring it up, not make a huge deal out of it but the next time he talks about her I would just gently say, "I notice that you talk about your ex wife a lot.  Do you realize that?"  And then I would let him know that I understand he spent a big chunk of his life with her and I'm not expecting him to erase that, but that when you're in a relationship with someone, you generally don't want to hear them talking about their ex constantly.  It's enough to make anyone feel a little weird.

If he reacts negatively or gets all defensive, maybe he isn't committed to building a new relationship with you.  I do get the sense that he's not over her.

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, Insignificantdetails said:

I worry that by saying I want to hear less about her he will feel he can't talk about his life.

No. There is a wide margin between cutting out the constant mentions of an ex, and not being able to talk about one's life. 

Plenty of people manage to talk about their lives just fine without bringing up an ex frequently. I am sure he possesses the emotional intelligence and discretion to be able to do the same. If he doesn't, well, you have bigger problems and might need to rethink his suitability as a relationship prospect. 

[Insignificantdetails]

@ExpatInItaly he's also on the spectrum (diagnosed) and can be direct about various things - but regardless he is generally very considerate, so I don't think it's an excuse

Next time he mentions her I'm going to raise this. There is a risk it changes things between us and he becomes closed off as a result of feeling he has to filter his thoughts.

But frequently hearing about her isn't working for me anyway. It might just take one conversation and we can move on. I hope so.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, Insignificantdetails said:

here is a risk it changes things between us and he becomes closed off as a result of feeling he has to filter his thoughts.

That is my point, actually. 

If he is unable to be more mindful about mentioning his so much without shutting down or getting agitated or defensive, I would urge you to consider whether he's really a good canidate for a healthy relationship. 

[Insignificantdetails]

35 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That is my point, actually. 

If he is unable to be more mindful about mentioning his so much without shutting down or getting agitated or defensive, I would urge you to consider whether he's really a good canidate for a healthy relationship. 

Ah, yeah, well I agree with that.

I'm at a point now where I'm falling in love with him and the relationship is growing. This is a bit of a red flag so best to tackle it now before I get any deeper into things.

As you say, his response will tell me a lot.

[stillafool]

17 hours ago, Insignificantdetails said:

I don't actually feel as though he's still in love with her - he seems to adore me and expresses that constantly - but there is obviously some ongoing emotional attachment there. As you say, I don't fancy being the rebound.

He can still adore you but be in love with her.

[Wiseman2]

Yes please redirect conversations to your relationship. You don't have to spell out "don't talk about your ex", you can get to the point, which is the focus should be on you two, the present and your relationship.

I don't think he's cares about her. I think it's a bad habit from years of conditioning and what he's used to. He's probably clueless he's doing it and how annoying it is. 

Please keep things in perspective. Try not to go down the "holding a torch" rabbithole. Just speak up. 

Edited February 19 by Wiseman2

[Acacia98]

20 hours ago, stillafool said:

Married for 10 years and only divorced for 2, plus she being the one who called for the divorce; I would say he's not over her yet.  I wouldn't want to be a rebound.

I must admit I thought this too.

[MsJayne]

I think it's OK to mention an ex if it's relevant to the conversation, the debate's over whether or not it actually is relevant, or it's just that everything reminds him of his ex and she's getting a too-frequent mention. From his end he's just contributing to the conversation and doesn't realise how often he drops her name, from your end it feels like he's constantly reminding you that he was once in love with her and, as you say, it gets tedious. It's a difficult thing to bring up with him because it might be construed as jealousy even though it isn't, it's a vague feeling that you might be second prize and it makes you uncomfortable and hesitant. But you do have to bring it up, because hearing an exes name too often erodes the bonding process with any new partner.  If it was me I'd probably start counting how many times the ex came up in a one week period and maybe start the conversation with that..."Hey, I think that must be the tenth time you've mentioned Ex this week, I've really been noticing it and it's making me feel a bit unsure, can we have a chat about it?"  

[Insignificantdetails]

Update:

We were out on a public date last weekend when he mentioned the ex and I got upset!

So we had to have the talk. I asked him if residual feelings were possible on his part. He said, no, that was long past and now it's a good friendship only. 

He didn't realise he mentioned her so much but said now he thought about it he realised it was ott and would tone it down. I said my concern was having her as an ongoing presence in our relationship and he said that absolutely is not going to be the case. 

I am still not crazy about the friendship. But he's taken what I said on board so let's see.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Insignificantdetails said:

I am still not crazy about the friendship.

What does their friendship look like?

Meaning, how often do they talk? Do they meet up? 

[Insignificantdetails]

@ExpatInItaly she lives in a different country. They last met in October for a funeral. Otherwise he doesn't seem to see her but I don't know about the future.

I don't know how often they talk but I was triggered by the fact he had just spoken to her and agreed to send her something she can't get in her country. That sounded closer than I realized.

I don't know. He doesn't seem to have feelings for her on the face of it but it seems very involved for ex spouses. For the record they met when they were 15 and he's 30 now.