Family Scapegoat

[Alpacalia]

How do you deal with being the scapegoat in the family. I feel like my sister is manipulating me. When my mother was sick and needed a place to stay, my sister was married and said she couldn't take my Mom in so naturally it fell on me ...

Now, my Dad, his lady friend said she is moving and can no longer have my Dad stay with her, so naturally my sister is saying I have to take him in because I'm single and have no kids. I feel like I have always been the one to take care of the family and my sister has always found a way to manipulate me into being the one to take on the responsibility. I don't want to put my sister down, but she is on drugs, she escorts, she carries drugs on planes and does really high risk activities and I just can't trust her.

I also don't want to be the bad guy and say no, but I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. Anytime I try to push back, she tells me, she can't focus on taking care of our parents because she has her own problems to deal with and she starts crying and saying that she has to be the main bread winner in the family so she can't take on the responsibility.

She hasn't had a job in years but lives a lavish lifestyle and I just feel like she is using me as a scapegoat and playing on my guilt and sense of responsibility. She is also very good at playing the victim and making me feel guilty for even considering saying no. How do I deal with this situation?

Edited February 19 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. She seems irresponsible and unreliable. Do you have other siblings? 

[Alpacalia]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. She seems irresponsible and unreliable. Do you have other siblings? 

I have a half brother that isn't related to my father and then my brother. Thankfully my brother has offered to help because he lives nearby but he too kind of feels like it shouldn't always fall on him so he shuts down a lot.

I just feel like I am crumbling sometimes and can't handle all the stress and responsibilities on my own. I also worry about my Dad's well-being if I'm not there to take care of him. I am so tired of my sister saying she can't take on the responsibility because of her own problems, but she doesn't seem to have any intentions of actually dealing with those problems. 

I don't know how to deal with this situation. 

And how do I even do that when my father's well-being is also at stake?

[FMW]

It sounds like wasted energy to even consider your sister as part of the equation.  Unfortunately she's made it clear she isn't part of the solution and only makes you feel worse.  

If your father cannot be left alone, he needs to consider living somewhere that provides whatever level of care he needs (assisted living or full nursing care).  If he chooses a place close to you then both you and your brother can visit him regularly and feel more comfortable about his well-being without either of you feeling overburdened.  You can research and visit the different options before choosing.  While I'm sure you would prefer for your father to have the full time attention of family, for most people it's just not practical  because of work schedules and other obligations to move them in to your home.  In the US, Medicare covers costs when/if someone has depleted their personal funds.  

I'm sorry, I know this must be very difficult for you.  

 

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Hopefully your father has a power of attorney in place as well as a healthcare proxy. Also hopefully he has Medicare and Medicaid for whatever level of care he needs, including assisted living or home visits from nurses, personal attendants and other ancillary support .

Many communities also have senior and elder care support such as meals on wheels, visiting centers for seniors and respite care options.

Hopefully you and your brother can work together peacefully to facilitate all the resources available to your father. 

[Alpacalia]

Thank you for your guidance. It aligns with the advice I've received from others recently.

The actions of my siblings do not hold weight in the matter at hand, which is finding the best care for my father. I have to focus on what I am capable and willing to do, and develop a plan for his long-term living situation.

This will involve researching facilities that provide a suitable level of care and ensuring he has access to Medicaid when his resources are exhausted. The truth is, my father will not be able to live alone again, and my siblings are not in a position to take him in. I must choose between caring for him myself or finding a suitable placement for him. This is a difficult decision, as I cannot bear the thought of him living in a facility.

I think about his feelings and my own guilt, fear, and sadness. But I must be realistic and prepare for his permanent living arrangement. If placing him in a facility is the best option, I will have to come to terms with it and ensure he receives the best care possible. I will obtain power of attorney once he is with me, and I am certain he will not have any objections.

I will work on arranging his relocation to be near me, while also ensuring he receives the best care. His lady friend has offered for him to return to Arizona in six months, but I am unsure if she will still be willing at that time.

[Foxhall]

On 2/19/2024 at 2:03 AM, Alpacalia said:

I feel like I have always been the one to take care of the family and my sister has always found a way to manipulate me into being the one to take on the responsibility. I don't want to put my sister down, but she is on drugs, she escorts, she carries drugs on planes and does really high risk activities and I just can't trust her.

I kind of like funnily enough they they are human in one sense and endure a rocky road along the way,

All your family sounds like they are lucky to have you,

You probably have no choice but to be the main rock of the family but at the same time you need to remind them that you cannot do it all alone and need some support,

sending you a hug.

 

 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

Thank you.

I was feeling at the end of my rope and frustrated. My sister recently came through in a very big way. I feel grateful and relieved.

I should also add that since my father had his stroke, she has been helping in her own way. Prior to that she took off to live in Mexico for several years and no one really heard a peep from her. She came back on the request of her ex-husband to help care for her adult children.

It's that she has never offered to let either of our parents into her home. When my Mom was sick years ago I took her in and now with my father. I have tried talking to her about it but she deflects in terms of taking in our parents. Which, I cannot force her to.

I do have a concern though. When my Dad sells some of his assets we all agreed to use that money to go towards his ongoing care and so that he can travel or do other things.

Before my father's stroke, he wanted to transfer funds from his assets to myself and my brother as part of our inheritance. After my father's stroke, my sister offered on numerous occasions to put all the proceeds into her account. I suggested it go into all three of us children's accounts. She said okay.

But when it gets talked about she reverts back to saying she's going to put it all in hers. I don't understand why we can't just get a financial advisor and have the funds managed that way.

Wouldn't a financial advisor be the best way to go about this?

Edited February 26 by Alpacalia

[basil67]

A financial advisor....and a lawyer.   Whatever decision you make, you must make sure his funds are protected.

If it were me, I'd seek advice about leaving the funds in an account in your father's name and look at a power of attorney.  Have rules about what his money can be used for and have the record keeping be transparent

[Alpacalia]

Agree.

After my father had his stroke, my sister volunteered to be POA.

I didn't take issue with it.

But after having thought about it, I feel like dual POA may be the better way to go. I feel the both of us should be involved on equal footing for the sake of transparency and accountability.

It also prevents any one person from making decisions without consulting the other.

Edited February 26 by Alpacalia

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

But after having thought about it, I feel like dual POA may be the better way to go. 

As long as your dad is still fine cognitively, there’s no reason to use a POA. You and your sister and your dad need to see a lawyer if you want a new POA document drawn up which will void the old one. You can request it to be so that you both have to act together or that either of you can act alone. Acting together sounds good, especially if there are trust issues, but it can be a pain. You must both be present for any transaction. There are pretty strict rules for POA. You can’t just withdraw funds from his account. You must present a receipt or bill for his expenses and you must always act in his best interest. The financial institution can refuse to release funds if they don’t believe you’re (or your sister) are acting in the best interest of your father. 

[Alpacalia]

Thanks.

We thought his funds could go towards his future ongoing care when the time comes like a home health aid or assisted living facility.

He will be coming to live with me for six months so I can help further his recovery process with the help of my brother. We will def need to outsource someone to come in once a week to help give him a shower.

My father's choice is to give us kids the money as it was our inheritance but we've said he needs to enjoy those funds to create experiences and memories. Maybe travel with his lady friend when he's gained better mobility.

He sacrificed so much and we hope he gets to enjoy life to the fullest in his final years. And of course to cover any medical expenses that may arise. As he gets older, and with his current medical conditions, there may be unforeseen health issues that require specialized care or treatments. We need to make sure he has access to the best medical care possible without having to worry about the financial burden.

My father is still cognitively fine, but, I would say it is slightly impaired. He has lost some of his cognition after the stroke - he's childlike and definitely his thinking has slowed down but he hasn’t been diagnosed with dementia or any other cognitive issues. It's his personality that has changed the most. Throughout all this, I feel like I'm mourning the loss of the father I once knew which has been painfully hard to witness.

I've been scheduling and coordinating all his ongoing doctors appointments (i.e. general physician, cardiologist, PT/OT/ST, I think though he needs to be seen by a neurologist in that regard).

Edited February 26 by Alpacalia

[FMW]

Your father may need every penny to live his life comfortably with the care he needs.

Also, if he runs out of money and needs medicaid assistance they will definitely look at any "gifts" he has given in recent prior years.

My father passed several years ago but my mom is going strong at 77 (at least physically, there has been some mental decline).  She is very comfortable financially, but when she starts talking about inheritance, I simply tell her exactly what I stated in the first paragraph.  Her money is hers to use to take care of her needs (and wants!).  She has everything set up legally to go to me if she dies before me and has anything left.  But beyond that, I deflect conversations about inheritance.  There is no such thing until someone is gone.

I agree with your encouragement that he use the money for traveling, etc. If circumstances allow.

Aging, whether our own or our parent's, requires learning to roll with the changes and appreciate the good while it lasts.  I hope you can feel more settled with it all soon, I know it's difficult.

 

 

 

Edited February 26 by FMW

[Wiseman2]

Agree with FMW that your father may need every penny to live his life comfortably with the care he needs.

 Perhaps an elder law attorney could help him with planning his long term care and using all his assets solely for his own benefit.

This may take some of the guesswork, siblings disagreements and stress out of his care and future, including wherever he goes after 6 months. 

[Alpacalia]

Yes, I agree.

It's tricky because my father likes to fight us on trying to tell him what to do with his money. In his heart of hearts, he wants to provide for his children, anytime myself or my other sibling would buy him something for his birthday or try to do something nice for him, he always says "save your monies for you."

And he's given us pushback when we suggest he use inheritance towards himself in order to stay comfortable, he says "no no no, I worked hard to give you this, don't worry about me."

Well that's fine if we're young, but we're not young anymore, his health is a serious issue, and he deserves the care and comfort he needs if he runs out of money. Assisted living alone is like $4,000 a month, when that time comes that I can't physically take care of him and the government will only pay when you're broke, and that process takes years.

I don't want all of that stress and worry on top of the fact that my father is sick.

With regard to my sister, all I can do is suggest that we have dual POA and some sort of financial advisor or elder law lawyer present regarding our father's estate in order to have some semblance of solidarity.

Bottom line, I love my father and I love my sister even though she is not in a position to help care for him physically in her home and she drives me bananas at times. She really came through the other day though. His lady friend is going away for a few days in March (they live about a 2 hour plane ride from me and I live about 2 hours from the nearest airport) and asked for us to fly out. We usually go together but I told my sister, I can't go right now, my nerves are shot right now. She said she would go and not to worry. ❤️

My Dad was cute the other day, he says to me "are you ready for me, it's going to be a lot" which I read as "hold on to your hats ladies, I'm going to be a handful." lol

Edited February 26 by Alpacalia

[Foxhall]

19 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

But when it gets talked about she reverts back to saying she's going to put it all in hers.

Do not let this happen anyway,

As the main carer one could argue you should be in control of the finances or have the lions share of any funds,

Your Dad is lucky in one sense- he is in goods hands is the main thing- you will ensure he gets the proper care.

and you will be fair to your siblings with any administration of money.

[Wiseman2]

With regard to your sister, definitely  retain elder law attorney. This way everything is above board and in black and white, without confusing nebulous "dual POA".  An elder law attorney can protect your father's assets and make sure they are used solely for his benefit and care. Since it's in black and white, there's no disputing it. 

[ladyeatinggreens20]

So sorry you've been going through this. What I'm hearing is that you're feeling guilty for not being able to be superwoman. Don't.  You know I can empathize w/you based on my issue as well. You've given me some solid feedback.

I'm not sure why those of us who have full plates, seem to get expectations of taking on "everything".  But you should not feel so torn or bad. Your sister doesn't work an actual job...? Sounds very similar to my sibling.  It's ok to make people uncomfortable sometimes, especially when you know you're standing on truth and pure intention. I haven't read our more recent updates, but I wanted to send some encouragement and I hope it helps.

I know it's not always easy , but please try to maintain your boundaries to maintain your sanity. YOU matter. (I have to tell myself the very same thing...so I'm in no way judging you.)  Be well and be good to you.

[Alpacalia]

8 hours ago, ladyeatinggreens20 said:

So sorry you've been going through this. What I'm hearing is that you're feeling guilty for not being able to be superwoman. Don't.  You know I can empathize w/you based on my issue as well. You've given me some solid feedback.

I'm not sure why those of us who have full plates, seem to get expectations of taking on "everything".  But you should not feel so torn or bad. Your sister doesn't work an actual job...? Sounds very similar to my sibling.  It's ok to make people uncomfortable sometimes, especially when you know you're standing on truth and pure intention. I haven't read our more recent updates, but I wanted to send some encouragement and I hope it helps.

I know it's not always easy , but please try to maintain your boundaries to maintain your sanity. YOU matter. (I have to tell myself the very same thing...so I'm in no way judging you.)  Be well and be good to you.

Thanks so much for your thoughtful words.🙏

No, I don't feel guilty for not being able to be superwoman. I feel no sense of 'obligation' to take care of my father.

I love my father and want him to be happy and healthy, but I don't feel it's my responsibility to take on all of his care. Albeit, he has been there for me my entire adult life when I have needed him for things. He made so many sacrifices for me. He has been a source of emotional support. 

In the earlier post I made it clear that my sister is not in any stable emotional condition to help out. I foolishly thought that she might be and I was hoping to reach an agreement where she would have my father for some portion of those six months that he is coming to live with me. But the good advice I was given, that I gave to you the other day, is that I need to quit being upset over what she or other people will or will not do. I can only control what I do and decide what I will or will not do when it comes to my father's ongoing care.

My number one concern, is my father. That is it. 

[Alpacalia]

On 2/26/2024 at 3:05 PM, Foxhall said:

Do not let this happen anyway,

As the main carer one could argue you should be in control of the finances or have the lions share of any funds,

Your Dad is lucky in one sense- he is in goods hands is the main thing- you will ensure he gets the proper care.

and you will be fair to your siblings with any administration of money.

I'm not. There is no reason that I can think of that the funds would need to all go into her account.

[Wiseman2]

Who actually appointed your sister as POA?  How can someone "volunteer" to be POA? What  does your father want? Who did he appoint?

Never heard of someone just taking it upon themselves without the involvement, approval and and legal documents of the person of concern. 

Perhaps it's time to sit down with your father and an elder law attorney to get some things accurately sorted out. Including whether he should be transferring any money into anyone's accounts, rather than setting it aside solely for his long term care. 

Edited February 29 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

Thanks Wiseman2.

After my father's stroke, my sister volunteered to become POA and transfer all the money into her account, with my father's approval. I never volunteered. My father's cognitive decline may hinder his ability to fully understand or question this decision. He mentioned transferring one of his properties to my sister's account, but when I asked if that was a good idea, he suggested splitting it between her account and mine.

I have concerns because my sister has made irresponsible choices and lives a high-risk lifestyle. I doubt she would take the money and run, but her lifestyle puts it at risk. The thing is, my father isn't aware of what's going on in her life and may not fully understand the potential risks. Hiring an elder law attorney is expensive, and both my father and sister are unlikely to want to spend the money. I'm unsure if I have the legal right to intervene if my father is unwilling, and I don't want to cause family conflict.

I've talked to my sister about my concerns and suggested a jointly owned account, and she agrees, but then she reverts back to insisting that she will put it in her account.

This may very well just be a situation that ultimately I just have to step aside with because given my father's fragile condition, the last thing I want to do is cause conflict that could negatively impact his well-being. However, at the same time, I don't want to sit back and let someone else potentially put my father's finances in jeopardy.

Kind of like let the chips fall where they may and what will be, will be.

I'm open to any suggestions or advice on how to handle this without causing family conflict. Thank you.

[Weezy1973]

13 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I'm open to any suggestions or advice on how to handle this without causing family conflict. 

So what you’re describing is not a  POA. If you’re POA all your dad’s money stays in his account and the POA can pay his bills and his expenses through his account. Your sister wouldn’t be able to just transfer money into her account with the POA document. Your dad however could transfer money to your sister’s account on his own if he wanted to. Once the money is in her account, legally it’s her money and she can do whatever she wants with it.

[FMW]

I agree with the advice to take your father to see an attorney to discuss his financial situation.  Without that, and with your position that you will just step aside (understandable to a point, but not advisable), there is a lot of opportunity for your father's best interest to not be honored.  You can't force your father to do anything (unless you have him legally declared incompetent,  which is not the situation you seem to have), but he will at least have the benefit of professional advice, whether or not he follows it.

My work involves law and finances, and I've seen a lot of unfortunate family situations.  I've also witnessed it in my own extended family.  Letting your sister take over his finances when she doesn't appear to be reliable or even stable is likely to lead to even more trouble and anxiety for you (and your dad) in the future.  

I would talk to your father and ask if he would agree to visit an attorney.  You and your siblings could arrange to all go with him if that's what he wants.  Once he's been given legal advice and fully understands his options he will hopefully make a better decision than he seems to be considering right now.  After that, you can at least have a little peace knowing you've done your best, whatever he decides.  

[Wiseman2]

So your father appointed your sister as POA? Please get an attorney. Please at least research what is going on and the rights of elders as a protected group. 

From the Department of Justice: Examples Of Elder Financial Abuse

Intercepting checks or cash,

Power of attorney fraud,

Convincing an elder to hand over money or personal property,

Coercing the person to change their estate planning documents,

Edited February 29 by Wiseman2