Family Scapegoat

[happyhorizons]

6 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I did speak to my father. I reached out after she left me that voicemail to make sure he was safe and okay. He said yes.

I speak with his providers because I have been coordinating from afar his ongoing health care needs and I also have to be in communication with them because they have been training me on certain exercises that I will need to do with my father when he comes to stay with me (i.e. physical therapy exercises, speech therapy exercises, etc.). It's a home health agency that I coordinated for him once he was discharged from the hospital last year.

I agree 100% with your last sentence. I had/have purposely refrained from sharing with my father anything with regard to my sister. I don't think that is something he needs to be worried about or deal with. My sister, has gone to him with her and our "problems" twice now which is not something that she needs not be doing and isn't helpful IMO.

This certainly seems to be HER PROBLEM and not yours.  I would also would  NOT involve your father in this sibling issue.  I personally would NOT let her upset you especially since you have verified that everything is OK with your father.  There is really no telling what her motive is in trying to upset you concerning your father. This stinks and I am sorry you are enduring such petty behavior.

[Alpacalia]

9 hours ago, happyhorizons said:

It is odd to say the least. Has it occurred to you that SHE (your sister) is doing this TO UPSET YOU for some reason?  

I don't know....

Both my sister and I have certain tasks regarding my father's ongoing health and needs, such as insurance and medical matters. One of her responsibilities was to switch his insurance to my state. We agreed it needed to be done soon so I could make arrangements for his appointments and medications. Despite me offering to take it off her plate, she said she could handle it. However, with my father's arrival in two weeks, it still hasn't been done and I'm concerned about being able to get him timely medical care and prescribed medications.

My brother has proposed a three-way call, which I have discussed with him regarding our current situation. I reached out via email to my sister nine days ago, requesting an update and to join a group call with an elder attorney, but have not received a response.

She spends a lot of time posting provocative videos on her social media, even though she has not responded to any of our attempts to communicate with her about our father's health insurance. She just posted a provocative photo following her recent "frantic" voicemail to me. And a post last week, "If it's not making me money, making me happy, or making me better, I'm busy."

[happyhorizons]

17 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I don't know....

Both my sister and I have certain tasks regarding my father's ongoing health and needs, such as insurance and medical matters. One of her responsibilities was to switch his insurance to my state. We agreed it needed to be done soon so I could make arrangements for his appointments and medications. Despite me offering to take it off her plate, she said she could handle it. However, with my father's arrival in two weeks, it still hasn't been done and I'm concerned about being able to get him timely medical care and prescribed medications.

My brother has proposed a three-way call, which I have discussed with him regarding our current situation. I reached out via email to my sister nine days ago, requesting an update and to join a group call with an elder attorney, but have not received a response.

She spends a lot of time posting provocative videos on her social media, even though she has not responded to any of our attempts to communicate with her about our father's health insurance. She just posted a provocative photo following her recent "frantic" voicemail to me. And a post last week, "If it's not making me money, making me happy, or making me better, I'm busy."

Sadly, I think you know what you need to do and that is just DO THINGS YOURSELF without her help.  She is obviously in a completely different head space and her priorities lie elsewhere. You are the one with the caring nature which unfortunately puts A LOT ON YOUR PLATE but you can do it.

[Alpacalia]

4 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

Sadly, I think you know what you need to do and that is just DO THINGS YOURSELF without her help.  She is obviously in a completely different head space and her priorities lie elsewhere. You are the one with the caring nature which unfortunately puts A LOT ON YOUR PLATE but you can do it.

Yeah, I am going to work on the health insurance today myself.

Now that I have had some time to think about it. I think she's in crisis. She has untreated mental health illness. She's also engaging in very risky behavior. I need to remember that underneath the erratic behavior, there is a person who is struggling.

Edited March 24 by Alpacalia

[happyhorizons]

2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Yeah, I am going to work on the health insurance today myself.

Now that I have had some time to think about it. I think she's in crisis. She has untreated mental health illness. She's also engaging in very risky behavior. I need to remember that underneath the erratic behavior, there is a person who is struggling.

And that struggling person is YOUR SISTER.  She needs help and like you said she is struggling.  By risky behavior, do you mean she is endangering herself like driving while impaired or something of the sort? It looks like you are going to need to help two people that you LOVE but that is what LOVE means. 

[Alpacalia]

5 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

And that struggling person is YOUR SISTER.  She needs help and like you said she is struggling.  By risky behavior, do you mean she is endangering herself like driving while impaired or something of the sort? It looks like you are going to need to help two people that you LOVE but that is what LOVE means. 

I am not sure how much I can do to help her from where I am.

She IS endangering herself and others (i.e. paid sex work, illicit drug use, driving while intoxicated, traveling on airlines with drugs, smoking on the airplane, yeah).

I just need to look at this past incident (her voicemail) from a different perspective. I was just really confused by it.

[happyhorizons]

1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

I am not sure how much I can do to help her from where I am.

She IS endangering herself and others (i.e. paid sex work, illicit drug use, driving while intoxicated, traveling on airlines with drugs, smoking on the airplane, yeah).

I just need to look at this past incident (her voicemail) from a different perspective. I was just really confused by it.

She is probably not stable enough to handle any of this for your father for sure.  This ^ paints a fairly clear picture of the origin of her erratic behavior and unfortunately you need to take the LEAD as far as your father is concerned.  She (your sister) may not even realize what she has done and is doing in terms of these messages. 🙁

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

She is probably not stable enough to handle any of this for your father for sure.  This ^ paints a fairly clear picture of the origin of her erratic behavior and unfortunately you need to take the LEAD as far as your father is concerned.  She (your sister) may not even realize what she has done and is doing in terms of these messages. 🙁

Yes. Thank you.

I just needed to collect my bearings after that voicemail she left. I couldn't make heads or tails of it initially.

[happyhorizons]

More than likely, these messages mean NOTHING as far as your father is concerned.  Your sister needs help/intervention and maybe these messages are CRIES for that help. I am sorry that you are going through this you certainly do not deserve it.

[Alpacalia]

9 hours ago, happyhorizons said:

More than likely, these messages mean NOTHING as far as your father is concerned.  Your sister needs help/intervention and maybe these messages are CRIES for that help. I am sorry that you are going through this you certainly do not deserve it.

She sent another message today to my mother. Saying, for me to call her, and that it's urgent and she has things she needs to tell me about our Dad. So I called her, it went straight to voicemail. I texted her "tried calling, it went to voicemail."

I am not sure what the hell this clusterscrew is about but if it's so important surely she would call me directly. And she hasn't.

Edited March 24 by Alpacalia

[happyhorizons]

3 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

She sent another message today to my mother. Saying, for me to call her, and that it's urgent and she has things she needs to tell me about our Dad. So I called her, it went straight to voicemail. I texted her "tried calling, it went to voicemail."

I am not sure what the hell this clusterscrew is about but if it's so important surely she would call me directly. And she hasn't.

I feel so bad for you A....you are obviously a very compassionate and caring person but your sister seems to be playing on those wonderful attributes.  If things were truly dire, I think you would hear from other family members just not her.  It is ashamed that she is upsetting you to this magnitude. 😒

[Alpacalia]

5 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

I feel so bad for you A....you are obviously a very compassionate and caring person but your sister seems to be playing on those wonderful attributes.  If things were truly dire, I think you would hear from other family members just not her.  It is ashamed that she is upsetting you to this magnitude. 😒

Normally I wouldn't respond but she keeps inferring it has to do with our Dad.

All of our recent interactions have been about that mainly.

So naturally I am inclined to inquire. Otherwise I would ignore it.

Edited March 25 by Alpacalia

[happyhorizons]

35 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Normally I wouldn't respond but she keeps inferring it has to do with our Dad.

All of our recent interactions have been about that mainly.

So naturally I am inclined to inquire. Otherwise I would ignore it.

Of course, you NEED to hear her out but her delivery is quite dramatic and odd.  I cannot help but think she KNOWS how GOOD of a person you are and she is being dramatic because of that but who knows.  It will be good when your Dad is settled near you and you can HANDLE THINGS.  It is always the GOOD ONES that seem to have to endure the drama.

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

Of course, you NEED to hear her out but her delivery is quite dramatic and odd.  I cannot help but think she KNOWS how GOOD of a person you are and she is being dramatic because of that but who knows.  It will be good when your Dad is settled near you and you can HANDLE THINGS.  It is always the GOOD ONES that seem to have to endure the drama.

She has acted this way towards the entire family for the past three years including her children. I just hope when my Dad is here, my interaction with her will be limited and not as frequent.

[happyhorizons]

13 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

She has acted this way towards the entire family for the past three years including her children. I just hope when my Dad is here, my interaction with her will be limited and not as frequent.

She definitely needs help.  Hopefully, there is nothing of substance that she has to say concerning your Dad.  You can do it A just think clearly and do what you do.

[Alpacalia]

13 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

She definitely needs help.  Hopefully, there is nothing of substance that she has to say concerning your Dad.  You can do it A just think clearly and do what you do.

Yes.

And thanks so much for your input! 🙂

It's good to bounce around some of my thoughts and organize them.

[happyhorizons]

23 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Yes.

And thanks so much for your input! 🙂

It's good to bounce around some of my thoughts and organize them.

You seem to help so many which shows your level of compassion and empathy for others.  You will navigate this with both your Dad and sister and make the best decisions for all concerned (it is just who you seem to be and it is a gift).

[Wiseman2]

Why not just leave an informative message or voice mail? Something like "I spoke to dad and everything is fine so please message me about your concerns and the urgency". The power to stop the passive aggressive games lies in your hands as well. 

Edited March 25 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not just leave an informative message or voice mail? Something like "I spoke to dad and everything is fine so please message me about your concerns and the urgency". The power to stop the passive aggressive games lies in your hands as well. 

Good advice.

Update: She sent my mother another message (a third one) saying she needs to talk to me. This time I said to my mom that anything related to my sister passing along messages meant for me I don't want to hear about through third parties and that she can call me directly.

Shortly thereafter my sister sent me a text message to my phone saying she "is still working on our fathers health insurance" and that "she needs to tell me about his lady friend" and she referred to my dad's lady friend as "evil." 

I didn't reply to it.

Edited March 25 by Alpacalia

[happyhorizons]

5 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Good advice.

Update: She sent my mother another message (a third one) saying she needs to talk to me. This time I said to my mom that anything related to my sister passing along messages meant for me I don't want to hear about through third parties and that she can call me directly.

Shortly thereafter my sister sent me a text message to my phone saying she "is still working on our fathers health insurance" and that "she needs to tell me about his lady friend" and she referred to my dad's lady friend as "evil." 

I didn't reply to it.

Again, it sounds like DRAMA (hopefully, I am wrong).  Will his (your Dad) lady friend be moving with him?  If so, you will be able to gauge firsthand if she is indeed "evil."

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, happyhorizons said:

Again, it sounds like DRAMA (hopefully, I am wrong).  Will his (your Dad) lady friend be moving with him?  If so, you will be able to gauge firsthand if she is indeed "evil."

Indeed.

No. His lady friend is not coming with him. He is coming to live with me.

His lady friend needs some respite and felt it was a good idea that my father be with his family for a few months.

If it was so urgent on my sister's end and she was so concerned for my father's health as she inferred, she would have picked up the phone and called me directly to discuss it instead of partying it up this weekend in Beverly Hills.

I have had a couple upsets with his lady friend in the past but she was at the hospital with him each day pretty much following his stroke before he was released from the hospital (this is on top of her working 17 hour days) she makes sure he is fed three times daily, she takes him on day trips to get outside.

If I had to compare her life next to my sister's history of the past three years, her life is much more conductive to alleviating issues that need addressing.

[happyhorizons]

A, you seem to have things in the correct perspective.  Again, something tells me you will navigate all of this like a CHAMP and do what is right for your Dad and yourself.  

[Alpacalia]

51 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

A, you seem to have things in the correct perspective.  Again, something tells me you will navigate all of this like a CHAMP and do what is right for your Dad and yourself.  

THANK YOU. I hope so. 🙂

[Wiseman2]

Can you communicate more directly with your father and his lady friend?  What exactly is your sister's concern? Is she closer or more hands on like managing his affairs and healthcare? Do you and your sister have email?

It's understandable you're burned out and want to stick your head in the sand, but your sister is involved and refusing to communicate with her because of longstanding issues isn't helping your father at all. 

[Alpacalia]

46 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Can you communicate more directly with your father and his lady friend?  What exactly is your sister's concern? Is she closer or more hands on like managing his affairs and healthcare? Do you and your sister have email?

It's understandable you're burned out and want to stick your head in the sand, but your sister is involved and refusing to communicate with her because of longstanding issues isn't helping your father at all. 

My apologies, my previous comment was a bit unclear. Let me make this clearer: 

I have been maintaining regular communication with my father and his lady friend EVERY DAY since the stroke and before the stroke he and I would talk regularly. However, despite my attempts to reach out to my sister, my sister has not been responding to my emails or calls. In fact, she has gone through our mother to urgently get in touch with me instead of calling me directly. 

Stick my head in the sand? I'm not sure you quite understand the level of care and coordination I have been putting forth with setting up all his doctors appointments and ongoing appointments and medications from afar and flying back and forth to help him out with other things. 

Anyway, my brother knows full well what's been going on and he is on my side. We are really getting tired of my sister playing these games and constantly trying to cause drama and conflict. We just want to focus on supporting our father and ensuring he has the best care possible. It's unfortunate that my sister is not treating her mental health and choosing to live a life of drama and conflict, but that is her choice and we can only do so much. 

Edited March 25 by Alpacalia