Family Scapegoat

[Alpacalia]

9 hours ago, happyhorizons said:

More than likely, these messages mean NOTHING as far as your father is concerned.  Your sister needs help/intervention and maybe these messages are CRIES for that help. I am sorry that you are going through this you certainly do not deserve it.

She sent another message today to my mother. Saying, for me to call her, and that it's urgent and she has things she needs to tell me about our Dad. So I called her, it went straight to voicemail. I texted her "tried calling, it went to voicemail."

I am not sure what the hell this clusterscrew is about but if it's so important surely she would call me directly. And she hasn't.

Edited March 24, 2024 by Alpacalia

[Alpacalia]

5 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

I feel so bad for you A....you are obviously a very compassionate and caring person but your sister seems to be playing on those wonderful attributes.  If things were truly dire, I think you would hear from other family members just not her.  It is ashamed that she is upsetting you to this magnitude. 😒

Normally I wouldn't respond but she keeps inferring it has to do with our Dad.

All of our recent interactions have been about that mainly.

So naturally I am inclined to inquire. Otherwise I would ignore it.

Edited March 25, 2024 by Alpacalia

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

Of course, you NEED to hear her out but her delivery is quite dramatic and odd.  I cannot help but think she KNOWS how GOOD of a person you are and she is being dramatic because of that but who knows.  It will be good when your Dad is settled near you and you can HANDLE THINGS.  It is always the GOOD ONES that seem to have to endure the drama.

She has acted this way towards the entire family for the past three years including her children. I just hope when my Dad is here, my interaction with her will be limited and not as frequent.

[Alpacalia]

13 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

She definitely needs help.  Hopefully, there is nothing of substance that she has to say concerning your Dad.  You can do it A just think clearly and do what you do.

Yes.

And thanks so much for your input! 🙂

It's good to bounce around some of my thoughts and organize them.

[Wiseman2]

Why not just leave an informative message or voice mail? Something like "I spoke to dad and everything is fine so please message me about your concerns and the urgency". The power to stop the passive aggressive games lies in your hands as well. 

Edited March 25, 2024 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not just leave an informative message or voice mail? Something like "I spoke to dad and everything is fine so please message me about your concerns and the urgency". The power to stop the passive aggressive games lies in your hands as well. 

Good advice.

Update: She sent my mother another message (a third one) saying she needs to talk to me. This time I said to my mom that anything related to my sister passing along messages meant for me I don't want to hear about through third parties and that she can call me directly.

Shortly thereafter my sister sent me a text message to my phone saying she "is still working on our fathers health insurance" and that "she needs to tell me about his lady friend" and she referred to my dad's lady friend as "evil." 

I didn't reply to it.

Edited March 25, 2024 by Alpacalia

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, happyhorizons said:

Again, it sounds like DRAMA (hopefully, I am wrong).  Will his (your Dad) lady friend be moving with him?  If so, you will be able to gauge firsthand if she is indeed "evil."

Indeed.

No. His lady friend is not coming with him. He is coming to live with me.

His lady friend needs some respite and felt it was a good idea that my father be with his family for a few months.

If it was so urgent on my sister's end and she was so concerned for my father's health as she inferred, she would have picked up the phone and called me directly to discuss it instead of partying it up this weekend in Beverly Hills.

I have had a couple upsets with his lady friend in the past but she was at the hospital with him each day pretty much following his stroke before he was released from the hospital (this is on top of her working 17 hour days) she makes sure he is fed three times daily, she takes him on day trips to get outside.

If I had to compare her life next to my sister's history of the past three years, her life is much more conductive to alleviating issues that need addressing.

[Alpacalia]

51 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

A, you seem to have things in the correct perspective.  Again, something tells me you will navigate all of this like a CHAMP and do what is right for your Dad and yourself.  

THANK YOU. I hope so. 🙂

[Wiseman2]

Can you communicate more directly with your father and his lady friend?  What exactly is your sister's concern? Is she closer or more hands on like managing his affairs and healthcare? Do you and your sister have email?

It's understandable you're burned out and want to stick your head in the sand, but your sister is involved and refusing to communicate with her because of longstanding issues isn't helping your father at all. 

[Alpacalia]

46 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Can you communicate more directly with your father and his lady friend?  What exactly is your sister's concern? Is she closer or more hands on like managing his affairs and healthcare? Do you and your sister have email?

It's understandable you're burned out and want to stick your head in the sand, but your sister is involved and refusing to communicate with her because of longstanding issues isn't helping your father at all. 

My apologies, my previous comment was a bit unclear. Let me make this clearer: 

I have been maintaining regular communication with my father and his lady friend EVERY DAY since the stroke and before the stroke he and I would talk regularly. However, despite my attempts to reach out to my sister, my sister has not been responding to my emails or calls. In fact, she has gone through our mother to urgently get in touch with me instead of calling me directly. 

Stick my head in the sand? I'm not sure you quite understand the level of care and coordination I have been putting forth with setting up all his doctors appointments and ongoing appointments and medications from afar and flying back and forth to help him out with other things. 

Anyway, my brother knows full well what's been going on and he is on my side. We are really getting tired of my sister playing these games and constantly trying to cause drama and conflict. We just want to focus on supporting our father and ensuring he has the best care possible. It's unfortunate that my sister is not treating her mental health and choosing to live a life of drama and conflict, but that is her choice and we can only do so much. 

Edited March 25, 2024 by Alpacalia

[Foxhall]

 I imagine your Father loves both of his beautiful girls equally, and does not want animosity between you,

maybe your sister feels subconsciously as the "black sheep of the family" and she is a little jealous of your standing as the main carer,

but I agree of course it is unfair of her to be playing these games and trying to undermine you,

I suppose ultimately you have the responsibility coming so important to keep a clear head and perhaps  best ignore your sister for a while.

need to be careful not get too stressed yourself also, keep calm and try to blank out her untimely negativity.

 

[Alpacalia]

34 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

 I imagine your Father loves both of his beautiful girls equally, and does not want animosity between you,

maybe your sister feels subconsciously as the "black sheep of the family" and she is a little jealous of your standing as the main carer,

but I agree of course it is unfair of her to be playing these games and trying to undermine you,

I suppose ultimately you have the responsibility coming so important to keep a clear head and perhaps  best ignore your sister for a while.

need to be careful not get too stressed yourself also, keep calm and try to blank out her untimely negativity.

 

Thank you so much!

These past couple of days I felt like I was going crazy.

My sister has no reason to be jealous, she has not once offered to take in my mother (that I took in when she was ill, because my sister wouldn't) and now our father.

As a matter of fact, one of the first things my sister said to me after our father's stroke was "(my name), you're going to have to take Dad because my time is best served making money."

She says, "that out of all of us siblings, she is the one that will make the most money in our family and that her time is best served putting her talents to use not taking care of parent." She spends a lot of her money traveling, partying, and shopping. Which is fine, that is her prerogative, but she cannot tell me with a straight face that she is busier and more important than anyone else.

She said about my brothers that they are useless people just taking up space and that the world needs her more than them. I was flabbegasted after she said that. I mean, I get siblings fight, but to say that the world needs you more than your other siblings is grossly arrogant. 

I am happy to take care of our Dad because I love him, but her attitude about it all just adds more stress to the situation. I do need to keep a clear head, thank you for the reminder!

[Alpacalia]

Thank you!

In any event, I reached out to my father's health insurance agent, the one my sister was tasked with the past two months to handle, and got him signed up for health insurance in my state.

I also made calls to local resources, such as social services and senior centers, to see what assistance they can provide for my father.

It's disheartening to see that my sister has changed so much. She used to be such a kind and empathetic person, always showing care and compassion towards me and others.

Something inside her, just got twisted in a different direction after she cheated on her spouse and left everyone behind to live in Mexico for three years without any communication. She returned to the United States after her ex-husband urged her to take care of their 16-year-old daughter, who had been struggling emotionally without her mother. 

I can only imagine the toll it must have taken on her to leave her family and home behind for so long and then deal with the guilt of hurting her loved ones through infidelity. It's not easy to face our mistakes, but I'm proud of her for coming back and taking responsibility for her daughter's well-being. I can understand her need for space and time to sort through her emotions.

She left three messages with my Mom for me to call her about our father, instead of calling me directly and not telling me what it was about. I tried calling her, and her phone was shut off. I tried emailing her... Nothing. So...

In light of the recent situation, I informed my mother that if my sister needs to discuss our father with me, she can reach out to me directly by dialing my phone number. Otherwise, I DO NOT want to receive nor hear about messages from her to me through my mother or anyone else, it only adds more stress and confusion to an already difficult situation.

I am truly grateful for the kind and supportive messages from the group. It has been a tough situation to navigate, but knowing that there are people who are willing to offer advice and support has been very comforting.

Edited March 26, 2024 by Alpacalia

[Alpacalia]

56 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

You are on the right path A and as I stated above YOU GOT THIS.  I think that you have the ability to focus on what needs to be done and then DO IT.  Your sister is evidently dealing with her own "demons" and really needs all sorts of help.  I hope you have a wonderful Holiday Weekend and that you can rest and recharge.🙂

Thanks...🙂

Yes, I am going to a meet-up event this week and a hike event another day so I hope to get some fresh air and rejuvenate.

Also hit the gym again as I had a week off and that helps me.

Hope you have a wonderful weekend too!

Edited March 26, 2024 by Alpacalia

[Alpacalia]

So Dad is now staying with me. 

It's been quite an adjustment, what is the hardest, is seeing him in the state he is in. He can walk with a cane but he can't do much else without assistance (he's paralyzed on the right arm and hand).

It's very challenging to witness my once strong and independent father struggle with simple tasks. I broke down in tears the other day.

However, I am grateful to have him here with me so I can take care of him and make his life a little easier. One of the biggest changes has been adapting to his routine and helping him with everything he needs. I have to make sure he takes his medications on time and I have to assist him with eating, getting dressed and numerous other things.

My relationship with my sister is a bit more peaceful these days albeit I don't feel I can ever really trust her. She helps out when she can, but it's kind of like well, your taking care of him now and I have my own life. Anyway, it's challenging to go to school, work and caregive full time so I'm not sure how I am going to manage it all but I am doing my best. 

If anyone is going through a similar situation I feel for you. It's definitely not easy but I am trying to stay positive and cherish the time I have with my dad. We may not have the same dynamic we once had, which has been so tough to accept, but I am grateful for every moment we have together.

Edited April 10, 2024 by Alpacalia

[Alpacalia]

23 hours ago, happyhorizons said:

I am sure that he is so happy to be with you.  It was very obvious that you would rise to the challenge and make it work. I think is a testament to the quality person you are and how you were raised so Bravo to you. 

He genuinely is. Thank you so much. 🙏

He had a bit of a fall the other day but I was able to catch him in time. Phew!

[Foxhall]

Very good @ alpacalia, echoing he is lucky to have you,

Hopefully he will get to a point where he grows stronger again,

you need a break also so perhaps the rest of your family can assist in that regard for some of the week even.

 

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, Foxhall said:

Very good @ alpacalia, echoing he is lucky to have you,

Hopefully he will get to a point where he grows stronger again,

you need a break also so perhaps the rest of your family can assist in that regard for some of the week even.

 

Thanks! My brother has been great, he is really stepping up to to plate and helping whereas before he was like "I just want to leave and say f it" where helping my father is concerned.

He helps a lot so I am super grateful for that.

My father has a another slight fall today, I was putting together an ottoman and he used to love fixing things and was so active in that regard. So I was like, why don't you come and help me? He tried to sit on the floor next to me, and fell backwards. But there was a couch and he kind of bounced into the couch and we just started laughing. I said, "why don't you just help me with the ottoman with you sitting on the couch." Nonetheless, I couldn't figure out how to put it together, he still knew, and showed me how.

I tell ya, it's one thing that's super hard to watch a parent  slowly deteriorate before your very eyes, let alone your own father whom you've always seen as larger than life. But it also makes you question your own mortality too. Makes you think that nothing lasts forever and to cherish everything and everyone that you have now. That's for sure.

 

[Alpacalia]

Such a strange weekend. My sister flew up. It's my father's birthday. We had a birthday party for him, balloons, cake, seems like my relationship with my sister is smoothing out. One of my favorite memories over the past couple of days was giving my Dad a haircut outside in my beautiful backyard. As hard as it's been, I cherish those moments with him. 

[Foxhall]

Ah that was a nice gathering,

 

good there is less tension now and creating nice moments.

[Alpacalia]

Thanks.🙏

My sister and my relationship has weathered storms the past few years.

When she went to leave and we were saying goodbye, she hugged me and I don't know what came over me but I just held on to her so tightly, like I was holding onto a piece of myself that I had lost. Holding on like I was holding my heart.

My embrace was fierce, I couldn't deny.

She said to me "don't cry Alpacia, everything will be alright"...She just held on to me and cried with me.

I know I will always love her as my big Sis, I've just been so angry with her these past few years. It was an incredibly healing and beautiful moment for us both.

Thank you for your support and letting me share my thoughts.

[Alpacalia]

The absence of my Dad is deeply felt...Despite being alive, his stroke has completely transformed him into a different individual. I can't help feeling selfish for longing for the man he used to be - the one who's laughter, stories, strength, and guidance I cherished dearly. With every passing day, I yearn to turn back time and spend just one more day with him before his stroke. The bond we shared as father and daughter is something I dearly miss. It pains me to witness his struggles and witness him as a shadow of his former self. The longing for his old self is overwhelming and I can't help but wish for him to return. Just the mere thought of him makes my eyes well up, emphasizing the void his physical and emotional presence has left in my life. I am aware that he is still here, but not in the same way. Our relationship has shifted, and this realization is difficult to accept at times.

[Leihla_B]

I'm so sorry, A. Where is Dad living now, and has his condition deteriorated or improved at all?

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, Leihla_B said:

I'm so sorry, A. Where is Dad living now, and has his condition deteriorated or improved at all?

Thanks. 🙏

He lives with me. He is about the same. Not much improvement in terms of being paralyzed on the right side of his body and he is no longer independent. I was just having a bit of a moment today thinking about how much I miss my Dad and needed an outlet. Thank you for your kind words.

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

Just remember how he cared for you as you grew up and understand how difficult the aging process is on him as well. 

Yes, thanks for pointing that out. I feel selfish at times and need to remember how hard it is for him.