Family Scapegoat

[happyhorizons]

6 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Yes, thanks for pointing that out. I feel selfish at times and need to remember how hard it is for him. 

Yes, remember how hard it is on him. You always seem to have such a wonderful  perspective on difficult situations (it’s a gift).

[Leihla_B]

13 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Thanks. 🙏

He lives with me. He is about the same. Not much improvement in terms of being paralyzed on the right side of his body and he is no longer independent. I was just having a bit of a moment today thinking about how much I miss my Dad and needed an outlet. Thank you for your kind words.

Awww, I understand. Do you ever sit with Dad and talk about your memories?

If so, how does he respond to that, and if not, why not?

Holding you in my thoughts.

[happyhorizons]

12 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

Awww, I understand. Do you ever sit with Dad and talk about your memories?

If so, how does he respond to that, and if not, why not?

Holding you in my thoughts.

Talking about happy times and reflecting with older people seem to bring them an abundance of joy. People matter and it's important to never forget that in life.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Leihla_B said:

Awww, I understand. Do you ever sit with Dad and talk about your memories?

If so, how does he respond to that, and if not, why not?

Holding you in my thoughts.

Thanks @Leihla_B. I like your name BTW, that's my Dad's foster's sister's name. 🙂

No, well, sometimes we do, I think it will just make him sad and he'll cry, then I'll cry, so we don't talk too much about that. Plus, his memory isn't the best. I'm sure he'd remember but I don't want to upset him.

[Leihla_B]

24 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Thanks @Leihla_B. I like your name BTW, that's my Dad's foster's sister's name. 🙂

No, well, sometimes we do, I think it will just make him sad and he'll cry, then I'll cry, so we don't talk too much about that. Plus, his memory isn't the best. I'm sure he'd remember but I don't want to upset him.

Okay, I do get that. However, framing it that way positions you to sadly grieve the past instead of enjoying it with him while you've still got him. Try reframing nostalgia as cheerful, instead. He will follow your lead.

Make a ritual to enjoy dessert or snacks and coffee or tea at certain times. Use streaming services to run some old comedy clips of comedians you both enjoyed, Johny Carson reruns, other kinds of old shows--All In The Family, I Love Lucy, even a game show now and then. One memorable comic can lead to others or other ideas of shows he recalls.

Laugh together. While laughing, raise an occasional good memory now and then... "Remember when so-and-so did this or that?" "Remember when I said (some stupid thing) and you told me (x)..."

If he can't remember something or gets sad at any point, hold his hand and say, "I understand, Dad. But we still have one another, and I still enjoy you so much." Allow for some sentimental grief now and then. Cry together, then turn it toward something funny about how he cheered you up when he...

Consider what Christopher Reeve's wife said to snap him out of suicidal thinking... "You are still you. And I love you."

[Alpacalia]

20 hours ago, S2B said:

I can’t see where your dad is the issue. Seems like your sister is the bigger problem.

cut her out of your life. You’ve been handing her too much of YOUR power! 

just don’t let her contact you. Then focus on things that make you happy! And share some those happy things with your dad and brother when you go visit them at your brother’s place.

i see now he may be living with you. If she wants info about your dad - tell her to only send a clearly typed email to you with specific questions. 
try limiting the way she can cause drama in your life.

Hey S2B!

My sister and I talk from time to time. I went to visit her not too long ago and we kind of had a pow wow about everything. 

This set me off and I told her that I feel she is all talk about helping each other but for her, she helps my parents with money but when it comes to inviting, say my father to live with her, she hems and haws.

I said, are you willing to open your home to help care for our father when/if the times comes? She said yes, but I really don't foresee that happening. My father is going back to Arizona soon anyway, I don't know how he is going to manage living on his own but I'll worry about that when the time comes. 

So the thing is, my sister, she's ADHD and isn't treating her condition. 

Anyway, I am trying to not let her get me anxious when she calls and does what she does. I feel bad, because her daughters no longer want nothing to do with her, as my sister's actions has crushed their spirits.

[Alpacalia]

24 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

Okay, I do get that. However, framing it that way positions you to sadly grieve the past instead of enjoying it with him while you've still got him. Try reframing nostalgia as cheerful, instead. He will follow your lead.

Make a ritual to enjoy dessert or snacks and coffee or tea at certain times. Use streaming services to run some old comedy clips of comedians you both enjoyed, Johny Carson reruns, other kinds of old shows--All In The Family, I Love Lucy, even a game show now and then. One memorable comic can lead to others or other ideas of shows he recalls.

Laugh together. While laughing, raise an occasional good memory now and then... "Remember when so-and-so did this or that?" "Remember when I said (some stupid thing) and you told me (x)..."

If he can't remember something or gets sad at any point, hold his hand and say, "I understand, Dad. But we still have one another, and I still enjoy you so much." Allow for some sentimental grief now and then. Cry together, then turn it toward something funny about how he cheered you up when he...

Consider what Christopher Reeve's wife said to snap him out of suicidal thinking... "You are still you. And I love you."

Thanks. I am not as much good with words as I am with actions. Like, I make sure to play puzzles with him each week and do activities that keep his mind engaged and I'll take him to get his favorite foods.  We do this three dimension puzzle that I purchased because before his stroke, he loved building things and  figuring out things that are difficult. Sometimes I'll buy a small piece of furniture and ask him to help me put it together, he'll direct and use his one hand when he can and I can tell he  loves that. Then I'll always suggest we go for a walk. But he's fallen a couple times so I always feel a bit nervous doing so.

But I do love your ideas of watching old comedy clips and shows. Oddly enough, I talked to my dad about something similar this morning. He was never a man of many words but he always showed through action in my adult life just how much he loves me. Growing up it was a little different. He was not the best father growing up but years passed and he more than made up for that.
 

[Foxhall]

I wished Id spent more time with mine after he was gone, 

 

its good you are spending this time together now- and hopefully lots more years in him yet.

Edited October 4 by Foxhall

[spiritedaway2003]

It's incredibly difficult being a caretaker, and you're doing the best you can.  Sometimes you wish your siblings can help in other ways, but as in all things in life, you can control only what you can control.   Don't be so harsh on yourself. Sounds like you're doing a great job taking care of your Dad.