Close friend / other guy to narcissist victim

[Mw22]

My story is long and complicated. In February 2021 I landed my dream job. I didn't really mean to get the job, it just sort of fell in to my lap a year and a half after a 4 year long battle with cancer. I didn't think I'd get a good job again seeing as how I'd been out of work for 4 years. Let alone my dream job. My first day was incredible. I couldnt believe how lucky I was. After everything i had just went through now this? It was like I had paid my dues and this is my reward. It felt out of my control, meant to be. I felt like it was step 1 to getting my life back on track. Thinking about this on my way home from work I thought "well what would step 2 be?" Find a girl was the first thing that came to mind. Just as I had the thought I got this feeling in my gut. A feeling of anticipation and love, that this job would lead to me meeting somebody special. I didn't think much of it but once a month I would get that same feeling. Sometimes it would last a moment sometimes all day. I've had that feeling before when I found out my sister in law was pregnant. Both she and my brother were told it would be very difficult to conceive so this kid was already someone special and I couldn't wait to meet it. The day my nephew was born, I held him and felt the strongest connection and most love of my life. I heard my mom say "wow he loves his uncle!" He's 9 now and I've been his hero and best friend ever since. He is mine too... 2 years later i got cancer. The love I felt from him, I credit that for saving my life. I would think about him and submerge myself in that feeling everyday. Death was not an option because I knew how much I meant to that kid.

Eventually I was living in the hospital for almost a month all by myself. I couldn't help but to wonder why I was alone. Every other patient had a spouse with them.  29 years old and I could die alone before I'm 30 having never been in love. I've never been much of a dater. In my eary 20s girls seemed easy but I didn't care for relationships. I've never been the type of guy that needed to be with somebody to be happy so was mostly a loner and fine with it. Maybe I'm insecure? I guess i just havent met the right girl? Maybe she doesn't exist... Oh well im fine with who i am. But I was wondering if I was missing something. I thought about my last girlfriend, nothing special there. I thought about the last single girl I met before getting sick. I was working at [ ]  at the time and this older vendor lady who used to b.s. with me told me one day, "you know, I think you'd be great for my daughter." (I can still her her voice) Then introduced us a few days later. Even my supervisor told me i should go for that girl but nothing came of it. I was too stupid to care. In the hospital I thought maybe that girl was my last chance. Maybe now i actually do want love, now i know what is really important. I got better and was going to take 2 years to recover before going back to work but this job happened 6 months shy. I'm glad I took it because it was probably the best thing to ever happen to me.
Fast forward to April 2022. That recurring feeling was now happening more frequently. Like once a week. So then I started to really think about it. Maybe it really was going to happen and it was getting closer. June 2022 this girl showed up. I walked by her to put my lunch in the fridge in the morning and thought to myself, "I'm in trouble." She seems to be my kind of person, in tune with my vibe. Dark eyes, black clothes, tattoos, head to toe beautiful. I knew immediately she could be that girl ive been emotionally anticipating. I didn't officially meet her till 2 weeks later. When I did I got the best first impression I've ever gotten from a person. She was shy but seemed like the most genuine, sweet person already and all we did was exchange names. Later that day we were small talking, normal get to know a new person type chit chat. As soon as she said she had a boyfriend I knew something was wrong. Her voice changed, her body and face tensed up and I just didn't buy that she had a boyfriend. I believed her but there was obviously something wrong with the relationship. I just didn't get the vibe that you normally get when a girl says she has a boyfriend, she seemed disconnected. Her beauty, my first impression of her and the feeling that something was wrong with her relationship was enough for me to back off. So i didnt talk to her much after that. I didnt really even look at her because i didnt want to become more attracted and fall for a girl with a bf. 2 months later we had a company party. Her bf didn't go. As she walked away to get a beer I noticed something about her that reminded me of myself. Something that I wanted to improve on. Seeing if from an outside perspective did help me improve myself. I thought "hmm there's something about her. Maybe I should talk to her." Then a co worker girl that she befriended slid over to me and told me that her and her guy got in a giant fight and she was feeling bad and that it seems like she may have ptsd. Then she came back and sat between us. We talked a bit and played rock paper scissors. It was fun and I felt like we sort of broke the ice. Lying in bed that night after the party that gut feeling happened again. This time more intense and it spread throughout my whole body. I was thinking "what is this!? Why is this happening!?" I didn't sleep a second that night and the next day at work my heart dropped when I saw her, that feeling very preasant in my gut. But my hesitancy to look at and get to know her remained another month. That next month I felt this magnetism and tension between us. I felt like maybe she was interested but hesitant about me as well. I found out a few months later that was true. But everytime I heard her talk about home I got that same bad feeling that something was wrong. I knew the gravity we were dancing around would eventually suck us in to the goldilocks zone. It did. A month after the party we ended up working alone together 2 days in a row. Then another 2 days in a row a week later. I couldn't ignore the good or bad feelings in my gut so the first thing I said to her was that I felt like life was playing tricks on me. Like I felt like something good was about to happen. I thought I'd open up slowly just to let her know that if she wanted to talk about something she could trust me. Well she did and then some. As soon as I said what I said she told me a lot of horrible things about her guy at home. All of my suspicions were true but it was much much worse than I ever would have imagined. This guy is a horrible, disgusting narcissist and the entire history of their relationship from day 1 is the perfect example of emotional, psychological, financial and sexual abuse. The worst relationship ive ever heard of. Well my other gut feeling was right too. We talked about everything in those 4 days and immediately became best friends. She's the kindest, sweetest, most loving and caring person I've ever met. She seems to be exactly in tune with me, we seem to be on the exact same frequency. I've never met anyone that I felt so in sync with. I told her that if she didn't have a boyfriend I'd probably be trying to date her and she got this big smile on her face and told me the only reason she got with him. He bought the house she was renting and started showing up all the time, eventually seduced her and moved himself in. Love bombing.
A few weks later i gave her something she said she wanted to try but didnt have the ability to get it yet. She damn near started crying saying that i have no idea how appreciative she is because he doesnt do this kind of thing for her, to him everything is sexual and that she needs affection. I told her from the day I met her I felt like she needed someone to care about her and she asked "and you're that person?" I am that person. I've never cared about anybody more and I did everything I could everyday to let her feel special and valued. A week later she got me something and I was in the same boat. Nobody does that kind of thing for me either. Seeing how happy it made her to do something nice for somebody and me being that lucky person was too much. I could no longer stop myself from falling for her. I was still trying not to look at her too much, only her eyes when we'd talked, I didn't want to become more attracted to her but I became attracted to her emotionally, I couldn't help it. So I started paying attention to her looks a little more. She's just as beautiful on the outside as she is on the inside and the next day I told her that. She said she can tell by the way I look at her. "It's not pervy or anything it's just like you..." Then she paused. I knew what she was thinking and she was right. With again, the most intense feeling ive ever felt, we shared this moment, probably 20 seconds, starring at each other. I was falling fast in love with her and the look on her face and the vibe I got from her told me she was doing the same.
We spent the next 4 months getting closer and closer every second. We exchanged gifts, talked with each other about everything and in ways neither of us have ever been able to with other people. We both felt this need to express everything with each other with such comfort and ease. We both felt like we didn't have a choice, like we just needed to say these things to each other and we each needed to hear what the other had to say. It is the deepest, most genuine emotional connection ive ever felt. And the only one this preasant since my nephew who i believe saved my life, the reason i was able to meet this girl. We have this undeniable connection on every level, intense chemistry, all sparks. We make each other better people, we learn more about ourselves and grow while getting to know each other. I've always had an idea of what I would feel like and act like as my best self. I am that with her. She makes me more caring, compassionate, confident, emotionally honest and all around a better person. I've always had an idea of what true love would feel like but didn't think it really existed. I feel that with her. If I could take everything I've ever liked about every girl I've ever liked and threw them all in to a pile and molded in to the perfect girl it would be her. She's inside and out the most beautiful person I've ever met. She has everything I've ever wanted in a girl, from looks to personality, sense of humor, hobbies, interests, carreer choices, we have all the same goals and passions in common, all the same favorite music, food, likes, dislikes, sense of humor, dream location...the list goes on. We have the same anxieties which we help each other with... In so many ways we seem like the same person. We understand each other on a whole other level. She makes me feel emotions ive never felt before, and emotions i have felt before, she makes me feel in ways that are new to me. So much intensity to every emotion especially compassion, care, romance and love. Its the most profound feeling ive ever had. She makes me feel special and cared for right back. I knew i liked her too much so i disected her head to toe, inside and out trying to find something wrong but every little detail just made me fall more and more in love with her. As did every word that came out of her mouth. In November it hit me. I remembered her telling me at the party in August that her previous job was vending. So I asked if she worked at []  7,8,9 years ago with her mom. She said "her?" And showed me a picture. It was her. This is the same girl I met right before getting sick. The same girl I thought about in the hospital, the same girl that could have been my last chance at not dying alone. Considering how long shes been with this guy, I was probably the last guy she met before getting with him as well. I couldn't believe it. Something special, out of my hands is happening here. A few weeks later her brother started working with us. The day he and I met we befriended and he told her that if she breaks up with boyfriend she should go out with me. Her mom saw it 8 years ago and now her brother too?! No way! I felt so lucky. How is  this happening!? I don't believe in God but it seems as though something much bigger than myself had taken control. Making it more and more obvious that we belong together. My nephew taught me how to love, then I met her but wasn't ready to love her. Cancer was a wake up call, made me decide that that kind of love is what I really wanted. Then I met her again with this new knowledge and readiness to love her at a time where she so clearly needs it... the better half of a decade seems to have been all about this girl and the universe is trying to put us together. There was a series of events from the day she showed up that made it seem so obvious that we're supposed to be together and will be soon.
I've been following my gut every step of the way and everytime i act on intuition it leads to good things. Everything seemed to be happening for a reason. My life seems to be falling in to place. That relationship ending and one forming with us was inevitable. All of the evidence was pointing in that direction, it was obvious. We talked about how hard it was to keep our relationship where it's at, but she couldn't cheat, for now we're just good friends and we both feel lucky to be so close with each other. that when she's single we'll get together and how great we'll be together. We were both very open about our feelings for each other, especially me, i felt like i had no control over what i said. Id tell her how amazing she is and that when shes single ill be trying to snatch her up and ill do whatever i can to make her happy etc. Ive never talked that way to anybody before and i never once felt nervous about it. I've never been so sure of anything, nothing has ever felt so right to me. She would say that we're just good friends, for now or to try and see her as a friend, for now. So I would ask her to stop me if she ever got uncomfortable or if i was out of line and making a fool of myself and she would tell me "I will but you're actually helping me more than you know." And I could see it.
She was depressed, anxious, riddled with ptsd do to 6.5 years of narcissistic abuse with this guy. Her previous relationship was toxic as well. She told me her whole life story. This poor girl has been through so much. But shes still the all around best person i know. It blows my mind how great she still is. Shes the most deserving of love person ive ever met and there is no one on the planet id rather give my love to than her. She was down in the dumps everyday because of this relationship. But after we became friends she started getting better and better. I was her closest confidant and best friend and she mine. I was giving her all the emotional support she could ask for, giving her back her confidence, self esteem and sense of value. Her stress and anxiety turned to happiness and laughter, joking around and having fun. I was helping her see reality and decide on her own to leave him. I was building her up and it made me feel absolutely incredible to do that for her.
It started to feel like we were already together. The things we said to each other, the way we talked, the things we did for each other, the way we looked at each other, the way we were both growing as individuals with each other... It was like a fairy tale, a cheesy hallmark movie. I've never believed in fate, soul mates, the one, anything like that before but she is starting to make me question everything ive ever believed in or not believed in. True love. Ive never loved anyone more, cared about anyone more, or wanted to sleep with anyone more and for the right reasons. But i couldn't do anything about it. Although it was getting harder everyday to not pounce on her, I was fine with just being friends for now, I was in no rush because the way we are with each other feels like we both know that eventually we'll end up together. Only a matter of time. She was talking to her brother about me, her mom, her friend at work who told me that I have nothing to worry about concerning her and to just keep doing what I'm doing. A couple other ladies at work started hinting things and saying that they think we should be together. Everyone that sees us together can see it.
This gravity between us was bringing us closer and closer all the time. We were on a collision course, only a matter of time till we collided and it would to be beautiful. A rollercoaster for sure... Like anyone in an abusive relationship she was confused and disoriented. Sometimes she was ready to leave him, other times he would be "good" and make her think he'll change and she won't need to leave. Then finally at the beginning of January 2023 she told me everything I had been waiting to hear. That she was for sure going to leave him. She just needed to figure out what to do with the kids, find a place to stay and gather evidence to defend herself. Then after healing we would get together for real.
January 25 the worst thing happened, she got fired. A month earlier the secret girlfriend employee of the manager got the manager position that my friend was training for so that they could openly date without getting in trouble. My friend got blamed for all of the mistakes and they fired her for it. I was devastated. She can't have friends outside of work. Especially guy friends. She can't even hang out with her brother without getting accused of sleeping with him. Although bf has no problem cheating with whoever he wants including non blood related aunts. I was losing my best friend, dream girl and love of my life. The most promising and important relationship of my life, the most successful ive ever been with a girl, i was doing everything right and for once not screwing it up, and the first time ive ever actually cared enough to try this hard. I just had the most surreal, euphoric, love filled, romantic, magical 7 months of my life, especially the last 4. It took 30 years to admit that this is what i want and 34 years to find it and with a girl that couldn't have been better if i designed her myself, and now this. We talked on the phone the next few days and established that it wouldn't change anything with us, that we would still be close and talk when she can. She said she'd remember that i called next in line and find me if he didnt change. A couple weeks later she said bf was being better than ever and believes hes changing and needed to focus on that so we shouldn't talk so much anymore, she didnt want trouble. That hurt. I didn't know if id ever see her again. I was worried but it never felt over. Like there was more to come. We remained friends and kept texting every few weeks, although now most of our conversations are short and not very engaging. In april I started to talk with her brother about. He already knew what was going on with us as I had told him every conversation her and I had back in December. So I told him everything that had happened since then. Then one day he invited me over to his place. 15 minutes went buy and I heard the door open in the other room. He looked at me and said "surprise." I turned around and it was her. She hung out with us for 30 minutes and it was great. She lives with her bf 3 houses down so it was a risk to come see me there but apparently I was worth the risk. The next day brother told me that she had been talking to him about me saying the same things I was saying to him about her so he thought "if you 2 feel the same way I figured you should see each other." He told me to not give up. To keep trying to be the friend she needs and guy she derserves, the person she'll want to go to afterwards. That meant the world to me. A week later our texting became more engaging. We told each other how much we missed each other, that we are one of each others closest friends and wanted to keep visiting. She went to lunch with us the next day and told me she was doing her vendor job again and that I could visit her at [ ] . Her brother had been telling me that her bf has started up again and is getting worse.
2 weeks later i got laid off. I lost my dream girl first now my dream job. More devastation. Everything I thought my life was meant to be is now falling apart. Like I'm the butt of some cruel joke. I got a job near [ ] giving me an opportunity to visit her on lunch break twice a week. Again maybe this was happening for a reason. We were slowly getting back to where we left off, being subtle. She was bringing up problems with bf again, we were expressing gratitude and appreciation for each other, telling each other how much we missed each other, miss talking to each other, how much we mean to each other, i gave her a thoughtful gift for her bday that meant a lot to her...We were texting every few weeks but she apologized for not texting me much... I reminded her how much i care, she said she can see it in my face everytime she sees me. She said she knows she doesn't deserve him and what he puts her through etc. One day late July i went in with every intention to remind her how much I want to be with her if that relationship crashes. As soon as I asked her how she was doing she burst in to tears saying her life sucks that it's been the most stressful week of her life. He keeps getting worse and worse. Earlier that day her ex told her what their daughter said about bf and he told her if she doesn't leave him daughter cant come over anymore. He offered to help her get a place of her own. She didnt know what to do. Bf threatens to smear her and scares her into thinking she'll lose her son if she leaves him but seemed to be seriously considering it. I didnt want to overwhelm her with my feelings. Shes already got 2 guys putting all this strsss on her she doesnt need another. So I was hoping this was it. This could be what gets her out of that relationship, she wont choose him over her daughter. 4 days later I went to visit and she was fine, like nothing ever happened. They had this "nice talk" and he said he'd stop. Her ex came over with custody papers saying that if she didn't sign them he would take out a protective order against him. She signed them! She said "my daughter lied. I know he's not good but I'm not going to let him go down for something thats not true." She told me last time that even his kids tell their friends and their parents what hes like and now everyone in town knows. His reputation is ruined and he blames it on her but she knows its him doing it to himself. Now shes saying this. This is not her talking. It's him gaslighting and getting in her head. Playing victim and brainwashing her. I was baffled. I gave her a little bit of a lecture about abuse and enabling. Trying to help her understand what she claims to already know but is in denial about. She said this is the deal breaker, that if he doesn't change now she's done for good and means it this time and is fine with whatever happens. That she feels like everything is happening for a reason and all of the pieces are falling in to place. I feel the same way but I now fear for different reasons. Then she got a new job. I saw her 2 more times before quitting and they were both good visits. The last time I told her again that I miss her and she said "well it's not like I'm going to fall off the face of the earth. Im figuring it out." Then we hugged and she walked away. A few days later we had a good text conversation. Then I got my job back at a different location making way more money.
We texted again a few weeks later, again a good conversation, like nothing was going to change with us. Our summer visits seemed to establish that there is still a bond between us, we still seem very close and interested but that ordeal with her daughter, that should have got her out, instead was a huge set back. I couldnt help but to feel like something bad was going to happen. She gave up her child to protect her abuser and whether she wants to admit it or not, deep down she knows she [messed] up. I thought she'd have a massive panic attack or something. I saw her brother the next day. He told me that she was getting sick a lot and getting blood work done twice a day because her cortisol levels were through the roof. Her body is trying to tell her that something needs to change. Too much constant cortisol and adrenaline from stress is toxic and can ruin your immune system and central nervous system. She's sabotaging her health with this relationship. A month later I texted her. I told her a few times over the summer that I wanted to thank her for everything she's done for me, the things I didn't get a chance to tell her at work. I never had time on lunch break visits and I didn't want to do it through text so she would say we could talk. But now it's been a year since we became friends and I didn't want everything to fade before talking about it so this text was an attempt to start that conversation. I told her we had a great thing going, I feel close with her still, I appreciate and miss her... no response. A week later her brother told me she's been getting tested for autoimmune diseases. Which again can be brought on by constant chronic stress. A week later he told me shes positive for at least 1, maybe 2 autoimmune diseases. Shes in denial and making bad choices, letting someone evil control her every move and her body is paying it. A month later she got her daughter back because her ex tried to get custody illegally. But after that drama settled her bf started up again. I saw her for a second on Halloween and she was stressed as all hell, worried about her health. It seemed like she wanted to talk more but couldn't. She didn't want me to stand there talking to her because bf was at home 3 houses down and probably watching her. I also got the vibe that she was hiding something. She doesn't know that I know that she was talking to her brother and mom about me, she never expressed that to me, they did. Maybe im just hopeful but i feel like she has unexpressed feelings. But she also probably doesnt want to tell me that bf hasnt xhanged and shes still not leaving like she said she would. She asked me to not text her for a while because she's got too much stress and doesn't need to be worrying about who's texting her with him jumping down her throat, but she'll reach out to me later. It sounded sincere so I didnt worry about it.
2 more months went by without talking to her.
I hung out with her brother at the beginning of January and he asked if I've tried reaching out to her lately. I told him what she told me on Halloween and he said it's probably fine now and to just text her while she's at work so he doesn't see it. The next day I drove through the store parking lot and saw her putting groceries in her car. As usual, she looked distressed. When I saw her  my heart sunk. When I see her I don't just see her, I see a part of myself. I don't just see another girl, I see THE girl. The silhouette of "my girl" that has been in my head since i started thinking about girls is no longer a silhouette. She now has a face and a personality and a name. Consciously I've been in love with this girl since I met her. Subconsciously Ive been in love with this girl since before i knew she existed and somehow my intuition knew id meet her at this job and i canNOT get her out of my head. I literally wake up thinking about her every morning. Whether i want to think about her or not there she is. Even when im not thinking about her shes still in my head. Shes become a part of who i am. I haven't been the same since I met her and I haven't felt right since she got fired and decided to stay with him. I know I'm crazy and pathetic but I can't shake the feeling that we belong together. Even if as just good friends. It seems so obvious to me and I swear she feels it too. I see it in Her face the same she sees it in mine but her thoughts, emotions and actions are no longer under her control. Shes not herself, she is the extension of her boyfriend. It kills me that I can't be with her. It kills me even more knowing how she gets treated by the guy that does get to be with her. If I were with her I'd treat her like the best thing to ever happen to me because she would be and she knows that. It's even worse knowing that the only thing keeping her in a relationship with someone she admittedly doesn't love and knows doesn't love her, is a trauma bond, and irrational fears of not having anywhere else to live and that he'll take her son away from her. Especially when she's got mountains of evidence that prove that he's not fit to be a father and that house was hers long before he bought it and started abusing her. The worst thing is knowing that someone I really, really, truly, genuinely care about is being degraded, defiled, devalued and abused. And the fuel to the flame...knowing how much I was helping her when I was able and how little I can now that I'm not.
I waited a couple weeks then texted her a casual "hi how have you been?" Still no response. Brother told me 2 weeks ago that she's always sick, as usual, and bf is always giving her s***, as usual. That relationship is slowly killing my best friend and the one and only girl I've ever loved and there is nothing I can do about it. I can't even be friends with the closest friend ive ever had, who clearly needs the help that i have to offer. I cant let something as stupid as not working together be what ruins our relationship. Especially when she got fired in such a bullshit, unfair way, I can't let those selfish a**h***s ruin my life like that. It's too good to give up on, our story is too good. I don't want to let one of the closest, most important persons in my life slip away because of a bad relationship with someone she knows is bad for her. I don't want her to give up on leaving behind a life that she is unhappy with because of fear and being broken down on a daily basis. I also can't help but to be mad at myself. I've always regretted not trying for girls that I liked before and didn't want her to become another regret. She's the best girl I've ever met and seems to be the reward for all of my past failures and regrets so i tried as hard as i could in the best, most appropriate way possible. But maybe I failed anyway. Maybe I should have kissed her in the thick of the passion, tried to cheat with her when she told me it was hard to keep our relationship where it's at instead of telling her that she's worth waiting for, trying to be the good guy and not take advantage of her like every other guy in her life. Or maybe the summer was a second opportunity and when that stuff happened with her ex and daughter I pushed her away by lecturing her instead of giving her the love and emotional support I was giving her before. I would never expect her to leave her longterm bf with whom she has kids and financial investments for me, nor do I. I've expressed that to her, I just want her to be happy regardless of whether I'm in her life and what role I play and it's a bummer how unhappy she is.
It's been 6 months since our last visit, 5 since our last text conversation, 4 since she stopped responding. Now I'm wondering what's going on. She says she misses me, misses talking to me, apologized for not texting me much, im one of her closest friends, she's not going to fall off the face of the earth etc. And now she's not responding to me. I cant help to wonder, do I even matter to her anymore? Am I just not good enough? Am i her good friend or was I a tool used for emotional support, her backup boyfriend that she doesnt need anymore because she cant get away from him? Did I put pressure on her and push her away with the text in September where I brought up our relationship at work? (Honesty, it does feel like we had an affair, emotionally) Does she still feel things that she doesn't want so is pulling out of our friendship or thinks its just easier to ignore them and me? I admit, I overthink, but I don't get it. We were building up all this love, passion, romantic tension for a year, it doesnt make sense that it would just not result in what its building up to. It doesn't make sense that we can each have these feelings, make plans to get together after him, hold on to each other all this time, be such close friends regardless of romantic interest and not even talk about it if it's over. It still feels unfinished to me but at this point it very well could be but we're not talking about it and its frustrating. If something is wrong or if it's over she should tell me. Part of me wants to text her again and call her out, ghosting is hurtful, disrespectful and dishonering to our friendship. She knows how i feel, how she feels, the things we said to each other. Knowing how much i care about her and how much i help her, doesnt she want and need that? Knowing that i have concerns about her relationship, kids and health, doesnt she think i might want to hear how shes doing? But if I call her out it'll make her feel even worse than she already does and really push me away. I also don't believe she would just cut me off without communicating, she's a genuine person and has always been very open and honest with me about that stuff. So I try not to take it personally, i know how abuse works, maybe its just him guilt tripping her and isolating her from family and friends. Maybe its self Isolation do to depression or embarrassment and shame.
When we met 9 years ago I wasn't ready. Less than a year later I got sick. That was a wake up call. We met again afterwards and all this happened but this time she's not ready? and less than a year later she gets sick. Maybe she'll have a wake up call? At this point, i try not to stress about being with her romantically. I just dont want to lose her, regardless of what our relationship is. I dont want the world to lose one of the best persons it has to offer to one of the worst it has produced. I dont know what to do, think or feel now. The whole thing is so wildly confusing and crazy that I've resorted to the internet for outside perspective from strangers haha. Something I would never do.

Edited February 25 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
identifying content

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Mw22 said:

Am i her good friend or was I a tool used for emotional support, her backup boyfriend that she doesnt need anymore because she cant get away from him?

Bingo. 

You got really, really carried away with the fairytale here, man. The reality is that she is a dysfunctional person with a host of her own issues. She has her good qualities, I am sure, but she is not the fantasy woman you make her out to be. Neither was your friendship with her. You made the mistake of assuming this was all going to work out beautifully, and now you are seeing that she actually doesn't feel the way you do anymore. She wouldn't have cut you off otherwise. If she wanted to be with you, she would have found a way. But the guy she actually wants to be with is not you. It's her boyfriend. Yes, maybe he is abusive. But she is still choosing him. 

You need to let go. Please be careful in the future not to get swept up in a romantic narrative of your own making. You lost perspective along the way and built this up to be a lot bigger than it was. You speak in a tremendous amount of hyperbole which tells me you still aren't seeing this situation realistically. You may not want to lose her, but you can't force her to be in your life either. At some point, you have to respect her choice to let the friendship go. She has ignored your attempts to contact her so you need to stop. 

Take this as a lesson moving forward, and steer clear of women with boyfriends. Always. 

[Wiseman2]

Hopefully you're feeling better and in recovery/remission and taking care of yourself and your physical and mental health.

You seem like a philosophical spiritual thinker and hopefully you will find a single available healthy woman who wants what you want,  now that you're free of this very troubled person. 

[MsJayne]

On 2/19/2024 at 12:18 PM, Mw22 said:

She gave up her child to protect her abuser

I'll apologise in advance for being judgy, but I think someone needs to give you a wake up jolt. Any woman who voluntarily abandons their child, (but blames circumstances), is a woman who is either mentally ill or is just an a*****e. It's good that the daughter's father is looking out for the child's well-being because her mother certainly isn't. Your woman sounds like a victim who will always keep on being a victim as long as there's someone (gullible) listening to her victimhood narrative. As long as there's someone like you giving her sympathy she can stay with her abusive boyfriend because she's got someone to do her emotional debriefing with, and that gives her the strength to carry on. It's only when someone tells her point blank to stop moaning about her situation, accept responsibility for it, (no one is forcing her to stay with an abuser, it's her choice), and to grow up and start being a parent instead of a whining drama queen, that she may start to feel some level of shame or embarrassment for the choices she's made. You're well-rid of her, your entire friendship was about you kissing her a** and her taking advantage of your kind nature. Notice I used the word 'was' - past tense - and that's because she has no further use for you and it's unlikely your friendship will be rekindled. She doesn't want to leave her abuser, she just wants to moan about him without the expectation that she take action, so you've become tiresome. As an example of how she's manipulated her story to suit her victimhood status refer to the bit about her boyfriend, (her landlord - ie; person with power), seducing her and then moving in. I bet her boyfriend would tell you a different story, that he bought the house and needed her to move out, but she didn't want the hassle of moving so she seduced him, and then played her cards so that she not only got to stay in the house, but she also now has a boyfriend who's a property owner/provider. Likewise for her being sacked - if she wasn't to blame for operational problems then she should have lodged an unfair dismissal claim. But she couldn't, because she knew that her pointing the finger at someone else wouldn't stand up to scrutiny. Are you sure it's her boyfriend who's the narcissist? She sounds like she's no slouch herself when it comes to manipulating and exploiting others for personal gain. 

[mark clemson]

Sexy trainwrecks are the worst sometimes, because it can be hard for men to see past the sexy to properly assess the trainwreck part...