Lissy-Mae Posted February 19 Share Posted February 19 Good day, I have been seeing this guy for on and off 2 years. He constantly came back to me and contacted me on my phone. He never wanted to be in a relationship and basically wasted my time. About 2 months ago he told me he wanted to be friends and he does not think we will ever be more than friends. I am very insecure about what I look like and who I am. And this breakup is killing me on the inside. He is obviously happy and probably has a new girlfriend. Will karma ever get to him or will I always be alone and a loser, with him being happy. Im really struggeling with myself and I just want to kry. I just sometimes wish I made some sort of impact, however Im just nothing. Any guidance or advise will be greatly apprecaited. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 19 Share Posted February 19 15 minutes ago, Lissy-Mae said: Will karma ever get to him I don't mean to be insensitive, but what exactly did he do wrong? It seems you have always known he didn't want a relationship with you, but it appears you kept letting him back into your life. He could have been more mindful, yes, but it was up to you to draw a line and not let yourself get drawn back in again and again. 18 minutes ago, Lissy-Mae said: I just sometimes wish I made some sort of impact, however Im just nothing. You're certainly not nothing. You deserve someone who is equally interested in you, which is why you should have stopped this when you first knew he didn't want a relationship. These situations are time-wasters and stand do more harm than good to our self-worth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lissy-Mae Posted February 19 Author Share Posted February 19 1 hour ago, Lissy-Mae said: Good day, I have been seeing this guy for on and off 2 years. He constantly came back to me and contacted me on my phone. He never wanted to be in a relationship and basically wasted my time. About 2 months ago he told me he wanted to be friends and he does not think we will ever be more than friends. I am very insecure about what I look like and who I am. And this breakup is killing me on the inside. He is obviously happy and probably has a new girlfriend. Will karma ever get to him or will I always be alone and a loser, with him being happy. Im really struggeling with myself and I just want to kry. I just sometimes wish I made some sort of impact, however Im just nothing. Any guidance or advise will be greatly apprecaited. Thank you 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: I don't mean to be insensitive, but what exactly did he do wrong? It seems you have always known he didn't want a relationship with you, but it appears you kept letting him back into your life. He could have been more mindful, yes, but it was up to you to draw a line and not let yourself get drawn back in again and again. You're certainly not nothing. You deserve someone who is equally interested in you, which is why you should have stopped this when you first knew he didn't want a relationship. These situations are time-wasters and stand do more harm than good to our self-worth. You are correct - its all my fault. I should've left him from the start but he was a manipulator and gave me so much mixed singles and red flags, I did not listen to them. I tried to convince myself that he really wants to be with me. And that was only my ego speaking. I had to make the decision to leave him and I did not. I think deep down I wish I was good enough. And because I am not, it hurts more. I did change my number so he can never contact me again. I told him I don't want to be friends, I want him out of my life. And no matter how it hurts, I had to make that desicion. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 19 Share Posted February 19 What was it you liked so much about this man? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lissy-Mae Posted February 19 Author Share Posted February 19 14 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: What was it you liked so much about this man? Well, he is very attractive and funny. If you feel ugly like myself and you've been abused most of your life, any attention is almost like a drug - yet sometimes you go for the wrong person. I struggle immensely with who I am and what I look like, I enjoyed the attention and the fact that he always came back. I felt like he did not want to go. Yet, he never wanted to be in a relationship with me. In the process I gave my attention, my time and energy and even gave him keys to my house. He said he did not want to be more than friends. I told him I need time to get over him - so I took my keys back, changed my number just to finally get him out of my life. The last thing he said was "all I want for you in life is to move on from me". And thats why my heart is so sore. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 19 Share Posted February 19 You certainly are something and worth a lot. Don't ever judge yourself by a man's attention. Sweetheart, you need to get into therapy to help you get to the root of your low self esteem. It has nothing to do with your looks. Good for you that you took back your keys, changed your phone number to get him out of your life. He doesn't mean you any good. You will find a man who will love you for who you are so don't give up on yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 19 Share Posted February 19 3 hours ago, Lissy-Mae said: If you feel ugly like myself and you've been abused most of your life, any attention is almost like a drug - yet sometimes you go for the wrong person. I struggle immensely with who I am and what I look like, I am sorry you have struggled so much. I get why it easy to fall into this cycle with him, and thankfully you have now removed yourself from it. Have you ever had any professional therapy to help you deal with your feelings and past abuse? It will serve you much more rather than wondering if karma will catch up with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted February 19 Share Posted February 19 The decision to cut him off and move on is the best decision you can make for yourself. It may hurt now, but in the long run, it will save you from further heartache. He said from the start that he didn't want a relationship, and he was honest about that. You acknowledge your own responsibility in the situation, and that is an important step in moving on. You are not a loser, simply because someone doesn't want to be with you. I would also caution you to giving someone your key or allowing them access to your house, until you are sure that they are trustworthy and want the same things as you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lissy-Mae Posted February 19 Author Share Posted February 19 30 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I am sorry you have struggled so much. I get why it easy to fall into this cycle with him, and thankfully you have now removed yourself from it. Have you ever had any professional therapy to help you deal with your feelings and past abuse? It will serve you much more rather than wondering if karma will catch up with him. Its hard to remove myself...it feels like I failed. I do go to terapy and see my docter. But its still a long process to go. I have experienced recurring traumas through most of my life. Still to this day I have childhood PTSD and Im 30 years old. Its not that I want karma to harm him...I think its just the pain speaking. The fact is that he is toxic. He made me feel so bad about myself. Flirted with other woman. And he just came back every single time. When all you know is abuse and rejection and abandonement, you go for the wrong people. And I know that...I should have stopped him from coming into my life in the first place and I did not. And its my mistake. Because I cannot deal with my feelings towards myself Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lissy-Mae Posted February 19 Author Share Posted February 19 You are correct. I was the one who was suppose to listen to him from the start and I did not. I was confused...and due to my self worth, I made a huge mistake to let him into my life. Its not that i wish a bad life upon him, I think it just hurts to be invicible while he is happy...as if I never existed Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 19 Share Posted February 19 13 minutes ago, Lissy-Mae said: I was the one who was suppose to listen to him from the start and I did not. I was confused...and due to my self worth, I made a huge mistake to let him into my life. Yes you did but try not to be so hard on yourself. We all make poor decisions at some point. You now know to not make the same mistake twice. Right? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 19 Share Posted February 19 It's great you are taking care of yourself and your physical and mental health. Please understand that this toxic man was like poison to you and your mental health. Now that this toxicity is out of your life you can focus on your well-being. You dodged a bullet. Be glad you're free of him. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted February 19 Share Posted February 19 2 hours ago, Lissy-Mae said: You are correct. I was the one who was suppose to listen to him from the start and I did not. I was confused...and due to my self worth, I made a huge mistake to let him into my life. Its not that i wish a bad life upon him, I think it just hurts to be invicible while he is happy...as if I never existed It's okay that your self worth is low but please don't be so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes and it's important to learn from them and move on. You are not invincible, you just have to work on believing in yourself and your worth. The next time someone says they don't want a relationship, listen to them and believe them. Don't waste your time and energy on someone who can't give you what you deserve. You are not a loser, you are a strong person who deserves to be happy. And as for karma, it's not our job to wish bad things on others. Just focus on yourself and your own happiness, and trust that things will work out in the end. Keep your head up and keep moving forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lissy-Mae Posted February 20 Author Share Posted February 20 22 hours ago, stillafool said: You certainly are something and worth a lot. Don't ever judge yourself by a man's attention. Sweetheart, you need to get into therapy to help you get to the root of your low self esteem. It has nothing to do with your looks. Good for you that you took back your keys, changed your phone number to get him out of your life. He doesn't mean you any good. You will find a man who will love you for who you are so don't give up on yourself. Thank you for this message. I really appreciate it. I still have a lot of pain and I feel embarrassed. I really hope I wont be alone for the rest of my life. I just want to be happy and have peace with myself. The therapy helps a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lissy-Mae Posted February 20 Author Share Posted February 20 15 hours ago, Alpacalia said: It's okay that your self worth is low but please don't be so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes and it's important to learn from them and move on. You are not invincible, you just have to work on believing in yourself and your worth. The next time someone says they don't want a relationship, listen to them and believe them. Don't waste your time and energy on someone who can't give you what you deserve. You are not a loser, you are a strong person who deserves to be happy. And as for karma, it's not our job to wish bad things on others. Just focus on yourself and your own happiness, and trust that things will work out in the end. Keep your head up and keep moving forward. I am extremely hard on myself. When I saw this man, I went back to my suicidal behavior and cutting. I was in a very very bad space. I let him control me. I let him determine how I feel about myself. How I act. And no matter what I did. I was never good enough. And that broke me into pieces. I had to make the decision to get a new number and get my keys back so I can get him out of my life forever and for good. I just want to be happy. I just want to feel good about myself but I don't. I feel so empty Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lissy-Mae Posted February 20 Author Share Posted February 20 17 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: It's great you are taking care of yourself and your physical and mental health. Please understand that this toxic man was like poison to you and your mental health. Now that this toxicity is out of your life you can focus on your well-being. You dodged a bullet. Be glad you're free of him. I try to take care of myself. He was poison to me. He took a lot for me and I gave too much. I think sometimes I wish he could realize that he lost a diamond. Not just trash that he threw away. But yes, I did dodge a bullet and I am free of him. Just need to free him from my thoughts. Thank you for your message. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lissy-Mae Posted February 20 Author Share Posted February 20 18 hours ago, stillafool said: Yes you did but try not to be so hard on yourself. We all make poor decisions at some point. You now know to not make the same mistake twice. Right? I wont make the same mistake again - This was a hard hit and Iv'e learned that if a man is not fully invested, he needs to go. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted February 20 Share Posted February 20 1 hour ago, Lissy-Mae said: I am extremely hard on myself. When I saw this man, I went back to my suicidal behavior and cutting. I was in a very very bad space. I let him control me. I let him determine how I feel about myself. How I act. And no matter what I did. I was never good enough. And that broke me into pieces. I had to make the decision to get a new number and get my keys back so I can get him out of my life forever and for good. I just want to be happy. I just want to feel good about myself but I don't. I feel so empty So the hard takeaway from this is that you need to work on yourself before trying to be in a relationship. It's not about the other person being a villain or you being a loser. No one can validate or take away the empty feeling from you except yourself. Luckily, there is help, and it’s about you not simply changing who you are to avoid the pain, but also, about creating empowerment, self-compassion and a more even emotional ecology. Please find yourself a therapist so you can learn how valuable you are and how to love and care for yourself. It’s not easy because it feels like breaking apart emotionally, but the way forward is through. Feelings don’t get vanquished unless we acknowledge them and move through them. Suicidal behavior and self-harm is a call to action for yourself, not a call to self-destruct. I am so proud of you for recognizing that this man is bad news for your emotional well-being, and that you have taken steps to block him from continuing to hurt you. That indicates a survival instinct, a compass you should follow. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted February 20 Share Posted February 20 (edited) @Lissy-Mae Your biggest issue here is you have very little self-worth/respect. It's only human to want companionship and intimacy but you can't be in a relationship without it. The lack of it means you're vulnerable to abusive/toxic behaviors that further damage you and reinforce the crappy things you might think about yourself. It can also make you incredibly anxious and emotionally unstable which are not just relationship killers, but quality of life, killers. Without it, you look to others to define you and validate you because you haven't done it for yourself. They become your everything. If they leave you (Which happens more often than not in life), it will therefore destroy you, because you have nothing else going for you. That self-worth/respect and identity is the Immune System equivalent for protecting your mental health. Your focus should be inwards. Do you have personal hobbies or side-gigs that you are working on that you enjoy? A job? Do you volunteer? Are you happy with the people around you? Do you feel fulfilled by any all these things? Are these things in line with what you want to achieve in your life? What do you want to achieve in your life? Do you have goals to get there? If you haven't asked these kinds of questions, start. They're game changers. I had some serious confidence/self-esteem issues a long while back. I still do. But, I spent a lot of time journaling and I did this and things changed for me, for the better. Haven't been in a relationship for 7 years actually and I'm still running strong; lonely sometimes, but able combat the thoughts and move forward without dwelling for too long. That allows you to keep on, keeping on. Also, you should remember that relationships starting or succeeding is not just about you or how attractive you are or how hard you work on the relationship. It's also on the other person as well. Relationships take 2 people to work. You could be the perfect person and you could still lose your relationship because THEY had issues. Everyone struggles with something. They have fears. Baggage. Aspirations in life. All this stuff affects their mental-state and therefore, their commitment to a relationship. Don't put it all on yourself. Continue therapy and continue to work on yourself for you. Not for anyone else but just for you. Edited February 20 by Beachead Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lissy-Mae Posted February 21 Author Share Posted February 21 14 hours ago, Beachead said: @Lissy-Mae Your biggest issue here is you have very little self-worth/respect. It's only human to want companionship and intimacy but you can't be in a relationship without it. The lack of it means you're vulnerable to abusive/toxic behaviors that further damage you and reinforce the crappy things you might think about yourself. It can also make you incredibly anxious and emotionally unstable which are not just relationship killers, but quality of life, killers. Without it, you look to others to define you and validate you because you haven't done it for yourself. They become your everything. If they leave you (Which happens more often than not in life), it will therefore destroy you, because you have nothing else going for you. That self-worth/respect and identity is the Immune System equivalent for protecting your mental health. Your focus should be inwards. Do you have personal hobbies or side-gigs that you are working on that you enjoy? A job? Do you volunteer? Are you happy with the people around you? Do you feel fulfilled by any all these things? Are these things in line with what you want to achieve in your life? What do you want to achieve in your life? Do you have goals to get there? If you haven't asked these kinds of questions, start. They're game changers. I had some serious confidence/self-esteem issues a long while back. I still do. But, I spent a lot of time journaling and I did this and things changed for me, for the better. Haven't been in a relationship for 7 years actually and I'm still running strong; lonely sometimes, but able combat the thoughts and move forward without dwelling for too long. That allows you to keep on, keeping on. Also, you should remember that relationships starting or succeeding is not just about you or how attractive you are or how hard you work on the relationship. It's also on the other person as well. Relationships take 2 people to work. You could be the perfect person and you could still lose your relationship because THEY had issues. Everyone struggles with something. They have fears. Baggage. Aspirations in life. All this stuff affects their mental-state and therefore, their commitment to a relationship. Don't put it all on yourself. Continue therapy and continue to work on yourself for you. Not for anyone else but just for you. @BeacheadThis is such an empowering message. And I thank you for that. You are absolutely correct - if you do not love yourself or accept yourself, how will others? I currently go for therapy with my counselor and my psychologist. I also see my psychiatrist. I have struggled with borderline personality disorder since I was 12. Therefore I do disassociate with myself and struggle with my identity, especially abandonment and rejection. I realize I have to use this as a wake-up call. Stay away from relationships and work on myself. I am currently finalizing my masters degree and will be submitting in a month's time. I also love dancing and music and doing research. This guy I saw has severe insecurities and he also gets depressed and suicidal - and therefore it was a disaster bound to happen. Therefore he is also damaged. But he is not out of my life and I can move forward, even though it is very difficult. Thank you for taking the time to send this message to me. I really appreciate it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 21 Share Posted February 21 The immediate aftermath of the end of a relationship can be extremely painful. That doesn't mean it's a good idea to continue the relationship. Do work with your various mental health professionals to address your self esteem issues. They can help you through the grieving process. The loss of a relationship is sad. You are finally seeing the path forward without him & that is good. You will get through this. Keep hanging on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lissy-Mae Posted February 22 Author Share Posted February 22 I found out today he has a girlfriend...now I feel even worse about myself. The pain is unbearable Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 22 Share Posted February 22 (edited) If he told you he wanted to be friends and he does not think you will ever be more than friends, it's seems like he set you free from this nebulous situationship. How do you know he is obviously happy and has a new girlfriend? Please take care of yourself and please don't wrap up your self esteem in a casual relationship. Edited February 22 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 22 Share Posted February 22 How did you find this out? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 22 Share Posted February 22 5 hours ago, Lissy-Mae said: I found out today he has a girlfriend...now I feel even worse about myself. The pain is unbearable Him having a new GF is not about you. It's about him not being able to be alone. It's a defect in him not you. Link to post Share on other sites
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