Im in-love with someone that does not want me back

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, Lissy-Mae said:

I found out today he has a girlfriend...now I feel even worse about myself. The pain is unbearable 

How did you find out he has a girlfriend?

[Alpacalia]

Please stop checking up on him or looking at what he is doing.

Go dark for a few months until you’ve healed. Get out and have some fun. Guys are attracted to fun, hopeful people (guys are repelled by people radiating negativity).

Don’t be that woman scared of being alone and settling for any man is a man. That’s what desperate crude women do. Just work on how you feel first.

Also sounds like you’re sounding out on a guy who isn’t good for you. No I can’t tell if he hadn’t made the same foray into your world as you he would have had feelings for you or not.

Do understand holding on is going to get all just so much much worse. Every moment you are holding on you are hurting you self-worth. We can’t promise others to give us what we don’t already give ourselves.

[Brambling]

Hey.

It sounds like he's played you at first and led you on, and it's completely understandable that you'd feel hurt.

But also, consider that this is how a lot of people learn what's right and wrong in relationships. Many people just don't think about the impact of their actions and words on others. 

So, if I were you, I'd let go. He hurt you. Doesn't matter if he intended or not, if he was mature enough to know what he was doing. 

For now, it just means he's not trustworthy and he's not good for you (or for anyone, dare I say. He's going to bring the same behaviour to every relationship).

Be glad to have dodged a bullet.

Rise up, dust yourself up, and work on your self-esteem.

Romantic love does not improve/help your self-esteem. But your self-esteem will help you not get hurt by morons like him any more.

You're not a loser! 

[Lissy-Mae]

You asked me how I founded out - the truth is he works at the same company I do. That's why this situation is so bad. This has been going on for 2 years. On and off. Do I have my facts that he has a girlfriend? No I don't. Except for the fact that he is constantly on his phone. So I made an assumption. I was at a really bad space yesterday. I was angry and depressed. But last night, I decided Im not going to entertain this anymore. I'm handing in my masters degree in two weeks. That.s where my focus is. I will not let an emotional unintelligent man get me down, let me feel like a fool, after everything that I've done for him. I will not allow this anymore. I will not let him come back into my life time and again just so he can decide when he wants me and when he does not. I will not let him steel my happiness. He is not worth it at all. So I made a pledge last night - I will not let him get me down anymore. This was the last. I am now focusing on getting my masters degree so I can one day become a professor at university. I will follow my dreams and not let this man get me down. Its his loss, not mine.

[d0nnivain]

Good for you!  Congrats on the masters.  Once you get that can you change jobs?  Being away from him may do you a world of good.  

[stillafool]

Yes, congrats on the masters.  I too think it will be a lot easier on you once you change jobs and don't have to see him again.  I feel your assumption that he has a gf now if correct.

[Alpacalia]

That's impressive - it takes a lot of strength and determination to make a decision like that. It can be hard to let go of someone, especially when they are familiar and have been a part of our lives for a while. You have a bright future ahead of you and it's great to see that you are determined to achieve your goals despite the difficulties you are facing.

[Lissy-Mae]

Good day to all. I thought I had everything under control but I dont. I feel so empty and worthless. I wish you could see him at work. He is so happy. He does not even know I exist. It breaks me that I was thrown away and that I did not even make an impact. He avoids me any chance he gets. I dont know how to feel anymore. Last night I sat at the beach looking at the moon and crying. I did not even make an impact. Im so worthless that I am invicible. Wish I was better. I cant deal with this pain anymore. And I dont know if Im ever gonna get through this. He is so much better and happier, and Im nothing. Just a wallflower he does not notice. 

[d0nnivain]

You are not worthless or invisible.  You made an impact but now he's going in a different direction.  He's living his life.  That is all.  It may be a fake it 'til you make it thing.  When I know I'm going to see EXs I go out of my way to make sure it looks like everything in my life is fabulous.  He may be doing the same. 

You have to figure out how to live your life independent of him.  Maybe it's time for you to look for a new job.  A daily dose of him is not good for your mental health 

[stillafool]

Is there anyway you can look for another job so you aren't around him anymore?  Do you have the means to go to therapy?  I think that would help you to raise your self esteem.

[Alpacalia]

Kindly, get out of that negative thought loop.

Each time my thoughts go to negative places, mostly concerning worrying about things, I tell myself, get out of the feel-sorry-victim loop. It's too easy to stay there. Set a time each day where you allow yourself 15-30 mins to worry about everything and then, while not easy, start acting like it's dealt with because YOU HAVE DONE ALL YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

Then focus on something else or read a book. Punishing yourself for not being better is ignorant. You will feel energy increase as you remind yourself that you don't owe anyone a reason for existence. Look around at the world how many people never ever encounter a possibility for a love connection - I don't mean that to minimize your feelings. But try and turn it around and you are on earth for a purpose and something special will happen if you treat yourself with care and kindness.

Remind yourself this new thing you have cooked, or your perfume smelled great yesterday or you read about global warming today to distract yourself. Feelings are amplified with mental echo chamber. 

So give yourself a set time each day to worry, feel down about yourself, whichever... 

and then toss it for the rest of the day.

Edited February 29 by Alpacalia

[Lissy-Mae]

5 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Kindly, get out of that negative thought loop.

Each time my thoughts go to negative places, mostly concerning worrying about things, I tell myself, get out of the feel-sorry-victim loop. It's too easy to stay there. Set a time each day where you allow yourself 15-30 mins to worry about everything and then, while not easy, start acting like it's dealt with because YOU HAVE DONE ALL YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

Then focus on something else or read a book. Punishing yourself for not being better is ignorant. You will feel energy increase as you remind yourself that you don't owe anyone a reason for existence. Look around at the world how many people never ever encounter a possibility for a love connection - I don't mean that to minimize your feelings. But try and turn it around and you are on earth for a purpose and something special will happen if you treat yourself with care and kindness.

Remind yourself this new thing you have cooked, or your perfume smelled great yesterday or you read about global warming today to distract yourself. Feelings are amplified with mental echo chamber. 

So give yourself a set time each day to worry, feel down about yourself, whichever... 

and then toss it for the rest of the day.

@Alpacalia - Thank you for your message. I have read it and I have listened. Please take note that I have borderline personality disorder which overlaps with bipolar 2 and childhood PTSD. I go to therapy and drink my meds everyday. But what you need to understand, is that people with borderline personality disorder went through a lot of trauma. We have severe abandonment issues and I disassociate with myself - I have a identity disturbance. Its like having 80% emotional burns over your whole body. I did not ask for this. So believe me if I say, I am trying. I just use this platform to share my feelings as this is an open space. So rejection kills us. Do I want this guy back? No way in hell. Do I want to have a future with him? There is no way I will allow it. Its about the rejection, its about the ego. Its about being a woman and struggling on the inside. Feeling worthy. All I want in live, honestly, is for my self-hatred to die off and have peace with myself. That is all. Believe it or not, at work I am this bubbly social butterfly that always laughs. Im not depressed at work. I am a training manager, helping people everyday, teaching them things, getting them to learn. My masters is almost done. Im handing in in about 2 weeks. Im not a bad person. Im just a broken person. Thats the only difference - and everyone thinks Im this strong confident woman because I embody confidence. So I am just broken. People are broken, but instead of forcing them to get over themselves, try to understand. Try to stand in their shoes. 

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, Lissy-Mae said:

@Alpacalia - Thank you for your message. I have read it and I have listened. Please take note that I have borderline personality disorder which overlaps with bipolar 2 and childhood PTSD. I go to therapy and drink my meds everyday. But what you need to understand, is that people with borderline personality disorder went through a lot of trauma. We have severe abandonment issues and I disassociate with myself - I have a identity disturbance. Its like having 80% emotional burns over your whole body. I did not ask for this. So believe me if I say, I am trying. I just use this platform to share my feelings as this is an open space. So rejection kills us. Do I want this guy back? No way in hell. Do I want to have a future with him? There is no way I will allow it. Its about the rejection, its about the ego. Its about being a woman and struggling on the inside. Feeling worthy. All I want in live, honestly, is for my self-hatred to die off and have peace with myself. That is all. Believe it or not, at work I am this bubbly social butterfly that always laughs. Im not depressed at work. I am a training manager, helping people everyday, teaching them things, getting them to learn. My masters is almost done. Im handing in in about 2 weeks. Im not a bad person. Im just a broken person. Thats the only difference - and everyone thinks Im this strong confident woman because I embody confidence. So I am just broken. People are broken, but instead of forcing them to get over themselves, try to understand. Try to stand in their shoes. 

I have PTSD. This isn't about standing in your shoes or anyone else's. This is about running through walls of fears you have. Everyone has these obstacles in life and you have many. If you keep saying I am broken and you cling to that identity like a medal, you will remain broken for a long time because you are patting yourself on the back and reinforcing said identity.

[Lissy-Mae]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

I have PTSD. This isn't about standing in your shoes or anyone else's. This is about running through walls of fears you have. Everyone has these obstacles in life and you have many. If you keep saying I am broken and you cling to that identity like a medal, you will remain broken for a long time because you are patting yourself on the back and reinforcing said identity.

Im sorry about your PTSD. You are right about everything. Thank you for your advice.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Lissy-Mae said:

Im sorry about your PTSD. You are right about everything. Thank you for your advice.

Eh, that's life.  

No problem. Remember, you are not your trauma or your diagnoses. You are so much more than that. Keep working on yourself, seeking help and support, and never give up on yourself. Healing and growth are possible. Stay strong.