Spags330 Posted February 20 Share Posted February 20 I was informed on Christmas morning that my wife, 11 year old daughters, niece's, sister-in-law, and mother-in-law would be taking a girls trip to Paris. I wasn't thrilled with the idea nor was I pleased that it was thrown on me suddenly. I have a fear of flying and am not comfortable with my family flying. But I took it in stride that morning and pretended to be happy for them as I didn't want to be the killjoy to hold them back. My wife had questioned me in the past about doing a girls only trip which I said I would be ok with. I did not however expect the first time the do a girls trip would be half way around the world. Nothing like breaking me in easy right? We live on the east coast. Anyway, I found out a week later that it will be taking place over Memorial weekend. Now here's the big issue apart from the smaller previously mentioned issues. I am the coach of my daughters soccer team and planned a tournament in another state the same weekend. It is a somewhat big tournament and is important to me. I had planned and booked the tournament before the girls booked their trip. I put a lot if time and energy into planning the tournament with the tournament staff and team families. I feel like I'm being stepped on and my feelings don't matter. I'm getting told that they were planning a trip and because I didn't put my tournament on our family calendar, they didn't realize the conflict in schedules making it my fault. I don't think plans should be made by going off a calendar and not talking to your spouse to confirm. Anything can happen with a calendar on a phone. Maybe it doesn't get submitted or whatever. Also, we have done the tournament the prior year talked about doing it again the following year. I even sent my wife the list of hotels to choose from so it's not like we weren't discussing the accommodations before the girls picked their trip. I would appreciate any thoughts. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 20 Share Posted February 20 (edited) How does your daughter feel about it? Going to Paris seems like an amazing adventure for her. It's unclear how this is about you except that you don't like flying and had made arrangements for the soccer. That's ok. Soccer can wait. Edited February 20 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 21 Share Posted February 21 The purpose of the calendar is so that everybody knows the schedule. You failed to put the tournament on the calendar so this is partially your fault. Can you ask her & the girls nicely to move their trip? I am assuming you can't move a tournament. Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted February 21 Share Posted February 21 Do you normally use the calendar as part of planning family activities? If yes, then it's your fault for failing to stick to family protocol. If no, I'd just put it down to other family members not realising because they were focused on their own interests, (and that's acceptable). You could attend the tournament without the family and they can join you next year, (you could put it in the calendar now ). A trip overseas is an enriching experience which is invaluable to your daughters, plus there's a lot of people going on the trip, it would be rather entitled of you to expect all of them to change their trip dates to accommodate your wishes. If your wife and daughters were excited about a soccer tournament they wouldn't have forgotten about it, perhaps that's something to ponder. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 22 Share Posted February 22 This was all booked two months ago, so I imagine that you've accepted that their trip is happening. With this in mind, it sounds like you're caught up in being "right". Thing is though, sometimes misunderstandings happen and we just have to roll with it. Hanging on to who was right and wrong serves nobody any good in the long term. Take a deep breath in and when you breathe out, make a conscious effort to leave this behind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted February 22 Share Posted February 22 One of the most important and valuable things you can do in a marriage is give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Nobody here was disregarding feelings. They didn’t know about the tournament. They didn’t purposely schedule the trip on the same days as the tournament. Best thing you can do is just be happy for them, and still go to the tournament on those days. And as an aside, nobody should be expected to not fly in airplanes because you have a fear of flying. That’s your thing and nobody is responsible for that except you. You can go to therapy to get over irrational phobias like this one. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 22 Share Posted February 22 (edited) On 2/20/2024 at 9:04 AM, Spags330 said: I'm getting told that they were planning a trip and because I didn't put my tournament on our family calendar, they didn't realize the conflict in schedules making it my fault. I don't think plans should be made by going off a calendar and not talking to your spouse to confirm. I agree with this - it very much sounds like you and your wife have communication issues and it's clear you're starting to harbor substantial resentment. It may be too late to do anything about the trip, but you may want to consider marriage therapy/couple counseling in the future as it seems problems are starting to build up and "fester" which does not bode well for your future happiness (and likely hers eventually). It can sometimes help to have a referee to broach these issues to a resolution. It can be that the actual resolution part gets dodged in the discussions, but in the LT that just leads to more built up resentment... Edited February 22 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted February 22 Share Posted February 22 On 2/20/2024 at 12:04 PM, Spags330 said: I have a fear of flying and am not comfortable with my family flying. This is not reasonable. You have a fear of flying... fine. You are entitled to your feelings and your fears. But you don't have the right to project that fear onto your family members and expect them not to fly just because you have a fear of flying. If they want to go on this trip, they have every right to go and you need to get used to that. It sounds like you failed to properly communicate the soccer tournament to them when you planned it. If you had communicated it to them, they would have known about it. There was a lot of assuming. Take this as a lesson to develop a better plan of communication about your calendar of events. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Spags330 Posted February 22 Author Share Posted February 22 I made the reservation for the tournament November 18th which I confirmed with my wife. So it was known. After that, the girls planned the Paris trip. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 22 Share Posted February 22 How does your daughter feel about it? Isn't that the most important thing? 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 22 Share Posted February 22 (edited) 1 hour ago, Spags330 said: I made the reservation for the tournament November 18th which I confirmed with my wife. So it was known. After that, the girls planned the Paris trip. But it wasn't in the diary! Seriously, if my husband tells me a date or if I have any other appointment, if it's not in the diary, it's not happening. I simply don't remember it. It's not malicious on my part - I simply have the memory of a sieve. I can't remember names either. Edited February 22 by basil67 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 26 Share Posted February 26 On 2/21/2024 at 3:04 AM, Spags330 said: I wasn't thrilled with the idea nor was I pleased that it was thrown on me suddenly. I have a fear of flying and am not comfortable with my family flying It's understandable if you have a personal fear of flying and don't want to fly yourself because you're uncomfortable with it, and I understand that personal phobias aren't always rational... but why would your phobia make you uncomfortable with your family flying? You realize that flying is statistically and objectively safer than driving, right? Quote My wife had questioned me in the past about doing a girls only trip which I said I would be ok with. I did not however expect the first time the do a girls trip would be half way around the world. Nothing like breaking me in easy right? We live on the east coast. I don't understand this. If your issue is with the schedule conflict, why does it matter whether they're going to Paris or Florida? Quote I am the coach of my daughters soccer team and planned a tournament in another state the same weekend. It is a somewhat big tournament and is important to me. Okay, but how important is it to your daughters, compared to going to Paris? Shouldn't their soccer tournament be about them, not you? I feel like you should just let this one go and make sure to add events to the family schedule in the future. Also, I really think you need to work on your aversion towards your family flying, perhaps with the help of a therapist. You risk alienating not just your wife, but also your daughters, if you carry on like this. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 26 Share Posted February 26 It sounds like the trip of a lifetime for them. I would swallow your pride and wish them Bon Voyage. One missed soccer tournament is not that big a deal, and if it's a yearly thing, I doubt your daughter is going to be too disappointed that she will miss it this time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted February 27 Share Posted February 27 On 2/22/2024 at 3:06 PM, Spags330 said: I made the reservation for the tournament November 18th which I confirmed with my wife. So it was known. After that, the girls planned the Paris trip. You are contradicting yourself. You said in your first post that you hadn't put the tournament in the family calendar and so they did not know about the conflict in scheduling. It sounds like it wasn't fully "known" based on what you originally said. Link to post Share on other sites
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