I M27 was dating a girl F26 for 3 months I don't know what happened

[Accurate42]

I [M27] had been dating this girl [F26] for 3 months but the relationship broke down. I am western and she is Chinese.

I’ve never really had a girlfriend before, or really been interested in meeting someone until I moved to this new city. I’m 27 and I don’t speak the language in this city. I’m sorry for the long post.

I met this girl 3 months ago randomly, she seemed nice and sweet at the start. She speaks my home language really well so it was nice to meet someone else who can.

I asked some Chinese friends and they said her actions do not align with a traditional Chinese girl.
Especially when she was saying she wanted to talk to other people and be with other people to find true love…and I’m right next to her.

Some things to note, not in any particular order;

• * We hadn’t kissed
• * Most of the time she would only come over if I paid for the cab
• * We both agreed to take things slow, I was the one to suggest this because I thought it was moving a little fast.
• * When she comes over we always cuddle and snuggle together on the couch
• * We stay in different rooms because she says her parents would get mad
• * We agreed that if there’s a problem in the relationship, the best way to resolve it is to communicate and talk to each other about it
• * Whenever I try to talk to her about the relationship she doesn’t want to talk about it and tells me she needs more time, she gets upset
• * She had me call her by a nickname from the start, and was reluctant to tell me her real name
• * She was ok with me hugging her, but wouldn’t hug me back, and she stopped that
• * She asks me to call her more but whenever I try, she doesn’t answer, gets annoyed and tells me to text instead.
• * It was always at my place we would hang out, I tried suggesting hanging out at her place but she didn’t want me to know where she lived
• * If we had to meet, it would always be somewhere near her place.
• * She told me to wait for her at a meeting place, but didn’t show up at the arranged time, I tried messaging and calling but no response, I ended up waiting for almost an hour on the street.
• * By the second or third date, she jumped right in asking if I was the prince she was waiting for and asked me to be her prince
• * She told me she was shy, insecure, and clingy
• * She told me she likes a muscular man, I go to the gym but I’m not muscular
• * She says she’s looking for someone to lift her out of poverty
• * She didn’t want people to see us together in public, because she was afraid “they would think things”
• * she doesn’t want to hold hands or lock arms outside of the estate I live, unless no one is around or it’s dark
• * On a couple of occasions I invited her to group meals with a couple of friends and she wanted to go, but by the time we were supposed to meet she wouldn’t reply to messages until hours later and
• * When plans were made and things changed, she wouldn’t keep me updated that the plans changed
• * I went on a trip. The day I return she offers to meet me at the airport to help me get home. It’s late, I get off the plane and she’s not there. I try calling, no answer. I call again a little later and she tells me she’s not coming.

We hang out at my place and she stays over more, we become more physical and close with each other but no sexual interaction. I find out that she’s saving herself for marriage.

When she comes over it’s usually late in the evening, she eats, sits with me to watch something for an hour or two, then goes to bed. Sometimes she would go straight to bed after eating or would watch something on her phone instead of talking with me.

When she’s in bed, I stay up and I can still hear her talking on the phone or watching videos. She has asked me to lie next to her in the bed before, so I ask if I can join her to watch the show, but she says no.

In the morning, after eating, she often says she has to immediately leave.

We go out, but she says she doesn’t like my clothes, that people will think I’m homosexual because the clothes have patterns and designs and we should look at different clothes. I tell her it’s ok to not like some things, everyone has different styles but I’m open to listening to her opinion and suggestions.

These past few weeks, she kept bringing up that we go and looks at dogs together that week and buy one right away. She talks about this in text and in person when she comes over. I tell her it’s something I might consider later so she says to buy it when we come back from the trip. This seems like a rash decision to me, we’re not officially together, she's said before she can't move in because her parents would be angry if they find she’s staying with a boy.

She’s been telling me how much she wants to go to a different city, and we both like the idea of going together. We decided to make plans to go away for a couple of nights, but stay in different rooms.

She was asking me if I felt relaxed with her and enjoyed everything I say yes and she says yes.

For convenience, we agreed that she should stay over the night before so we can go to the train station together. I don’t hear from her so i send a message and she’s not coming over.

We meet in the morning and get the train, she seems happy and relaxed and fine. Really excited.

When we get to the city, we explore and have some fun looking around.

She really wants to go to a club together, it’s her first time, and she really wants to have 6 cocktails. We promise each other we won’t leave each other. She has a couple of drinks and I record the live music but she’s disappeared and I get worried. I look around but can’t find her anywhere I leave the bar to look outside and go back in and she’s laughing saying it was just a joke. I brush it off.

I start enjoying myself we have another drink and I’m dancing, but she pushes me into some people and says she doesn’t want people to think she’s with me. She wants to talk and have fun with other people and not with me.

I try to talk to her at the bar, but she keeps turning away from me and pushes me away. There’s another guy wanting her to drink more and I keep telling him she’s had enough. I try to talk to her and she keeps pushing me away and turning away. People are saying some things. I stand back and tell her to stop, and tell her if she wants me to leave I will. But she gets really upset and storms out.

I have to chase after her and sit on the road in front to get her to stop because she’s drunk. I take her back to her room. After what she said in the bar, the relationship changed. I try to talk to her about her behaviour and what she said to me at the club but she just laughs and just says it was a crazy night. I try to talk to her about our relationship, but she won’t and says we’ve already talked about it before. She keeps saying she feels pressure but she won’t talk to me about it.

We explore the city some more, she says she wants to go out to drink later but not with me. She asks me to take her back to the club and wait for her. She wants to have a drink with me after the club but I say no and we’ll have one when we return home instead.

She sends me a message early in the morning when we were going to be returning home asking if I was at the front desk. I didn’t see the message until later, so I reply but get no response. I’m a little worried about her since she was drinking and was a little emotional. I got to the front desk and check if she’s there and ask if she had been waiting, she hadn’t.

I go to her room and gently knock on the door, no answer. I figure she’s still sleeping. I go back to bed for a while, there’s a knock on my door. I open the door thinking it’s her but she called the POLICE.

They tell me she heard a knock on the door and she asked the hotel staff to call the police. They tell me she’s very sensitive and thinks the relationship is going too fast. She doesn’t want me to contact her. I tell them we were going to organise how much each of us paid when we got back home, so they talk to her and she agrees to pay me her share. I feel so worried and concerned about her right now but they told me not to contact her. She blocked me from social media.


Did I do something wrong that warranted the police being called?
Were there some red flags I didn’t see?
What can I do to handle the situation better in the future?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Accurate42 said:

Did I do something wrong that warranted the police being called?Were there some red flags I didn’t see?

You have a pretty extensive list of all the red flags. Please delete and block her. Once someone calls the police for whatever reason, it's your cue to end it permanently. 

[Acacia98]

Her behavior doesn't make any sense to me, OP. But she sounds like a dangerous person for you to be associated with.

Whether she has lost touch with reality or is a manipulative person who uses you and hurts you deliberately, she poses a threat to you. In my opinion, that is all you need to know to decide that you will keep your distance from her no matter what. She's done you a favor by blocking you. Now you need to block her too so that if she tries to reconnect down the road, she won't be able to reach you.

By the way, you need to learn to love and value yourself more. I think you have low self-esteem and that contributed to your staying with her and trying to make things work long after you should have ended things with her.

 

Edited February 21, 2024 by Acacia98

[ExpatInItaly]

You should be glad this weird, shady indiviual is not in your life anymore. 

Please, don't ignore significant warning signs in the future. You knew something was really off about her and you persisted anyway. Now you can see why that was a bad idea. 

Keep her blocked everywhere. 

Edited February 21, 2024 by ExpatInItaly

[Accurate42]

4 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

Her behavior doesn't make any sense to me, OP. But she sounds like a dangerous person for you to be associated with.

Whether she has lost touch with reality or is a manipulative person who uses you and hurts you deliberately, she poses a threat to you. In my opinion, that is all you need to know to decide that you will keep your distance from her no matter what. She's done you a favor by blocking you. Now you need to block her too so that if she tries to reconnect down the road, she won't be able to reach you.

By the way, you need to learn to love and value yourself more. I think you have low self-esteem and that contributed to your staying with her and trying to make things work long after you should have ended things with her.

 

Thank you for the reply, some of the things she did seemed genuine.  You're right about the self-esteem, it's much better than it has been, I've worked hard on increasing it but is till lower than I'd like.

I just got to this new city so I don't have anyone or friends here. It was such a good feeling to have someone that genuinely seemed to like me and seemed to be genuinely interested in me with the potential for a deeper connection.

At first all I wanted was a really good friend, it seemed like she wanted more and she kind of grew on me, I guess I just didn't want to lose the connection 

[Accurate42]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You should be glad this weird, shady indiviual is not in your life anymore. 

Please, don't ignore significant warning signs in the future. You knew something was really off about her and you persisted anyway. Now you can see why that was a bad idea. 

Keep her blocked everywhere. 

Yeah, you're right. From the beginning something seemed a little off but I thought she was just a bit quirky, really into me, or just a cultural thing  

[FredEire]

6 hours ago, Accurate42 said:

I [M27] had been dating this girl [F26] for 3 months but the relationship broke down. I am western and she is Chinese.

I’ve never really had a girlfriend before, or really been interested in meeting someone until I moved to this new city. I’m 27 and I don’t speak the language in this city. I’m sorry for the long post.

I met this girl 3 months ago randomly, she seemed nice and sweet at the start. She speaks my home language really well so it was nice to meet someone else who can.

I asked some Chinese friends and they said her actions do not align with a traditional Chinese girl.
Especially when she was saying she wanted to talk to other people and be with other people to find true love…and I’m right next to her.

Some things to note, not in any particular order;

• * We hadn’t kissed
• * Most of the time she would only come over if I paid for the cab
• * We both agreed to take things slow, I was the one to suggest this because I thought it was moving a little fast.
• * When she comes over we always cuddle and snuggle together on the couch
• * We stay in different rooms because she says her parents would get mad
• * We agreed that if there’s a problem in the relationship, the best way to resolve it is to communicate and talk to each other about it
• * Whenever I try to talk to her about the relationship she doesn’t want to talk about it and tells me she needs more time, she gets upset
• * She had me call her by a nickname from the start, and was reluctant to tell me her real name
• * She was ok with me hugging her, but wouldn’t hug me back, and she stopped that
• * She asks me to call her more but whenever I try, she doesn’t answer, gets annoyed and tells me to text instead.
• * It was always at my place we would hang out, I tried suggesting hanging out at her place but she didn’t want me to know where she lived
• * If we had to meet, it would always be somewhere near her place.
• * She told me to wait for her at a meeting place, but didn’t show up at the arranged time, I tried messaging and calling but no response, I ended up waiting for almost an hour on the street.
• * By the second or third date, she jumped right in asking if I was the prince she was waiting for and asked me to be her prince
• * She told me she was shy, insecure, and clingy
• * She told me she likes a muscular man, I go to the gym but I’m not muscular
• * She says she’s looking for someone to lift her out of poverty
• * She didn’t want people to see us together in public, because she was afraid “they would think things”
• * she doesn’t want to hold hands or lock arms outside of the estate I live, unless no one is around or it’s dark
• * On a couple of occasions I invited her to group meals with a couple of friends and she wanted to go, but by the time we were supposed to meet she wouldn’t reply to messages until hours later and
• * When plans were made and things changed, she wouldn’t keep me updated that the plans changed
• * I went on a trip. The day I return she offers to meet me at the airport to help me get home. It’s late, I get off the plane and she’s not there. I try calling, no answer. I call again a little later and she tells me she’s not coming.

We hang out at my place and she stays over more, we become more physical and close with each other but no sexual interaction. I find out that she’s saving herself for marriage.

When she comes over it’s usually late in the evening, she eats, sits with me to watch something for an hour or two, then goes to bed. Sometimes she would go straight to bed after eating or would watch something on her phone instead of talking with me.

When she’s in bed, I stay up and I can still hear her talking on the phone or watching videos. She has asked me to lie next to her in the bed before, so I ask if I can join her to watch the show, but she says no.

In the morning, after eating, she often says she has to immediately leave.

We go out, but she says she doesn’t like my clothes, that people will think I’m homosexual because the clothes have patterns and designs and we should look at different clothes. I tell her it’s ok to not like some things, everyone has different styles but I’m open to listening to her opinion and suggestions.

These past few weeks, she kept bringing up that we go and looks at dogs together that week and buy one right away. She talks about this in text and in person when she comes over. I tell her it’s something I might consider later so she says to buy it when we come back from the trip. This seems like a rash decision to me, we’re not officially together, she's said before she can't move in because her parents would be angry if they find she’s staying with a boy.

She’s been telling me how much she wants to go to a different city, and we both like the idea of going together. We decided to make plans to go away for a couple of nights, but stay in different rooms.

She was asking me if I felt relaxed with her and enjoyed everything I say yes and she says yes.

For convenience, we agreed that she should stay over the night before so we can go to the train station together. I don’t hear from her so i send a message and she’s not coming over.

We meet in the morning and get the train, she seems happy and relaxed and fine. Really excited.

When we get to the city, we explore and have some fun looking around.

She really wants to go to a club together, it’s her first time, and she really wants to have 6 cocktails. We promise each other we won’t leave each other. She has a couple of drinks and I record the live music but she’s disappeared and I get worried. I look around but can’t find her anywhere I leave the bar to look outside and go back in and she’s laughing saying it was just a joke. I brush it off.

I start enjoying myself we have another drink and I’m dancing, but she pushes me into some people and says she doesn’t want people to think she’s with me. She wants to talk and have fun with other people and not with me.

I try to talk to her at the bar, but she keeps turning away from me and pushes me away. There’s another guy wanting her to drink more and I keep telling him she’s had enough. I try to talk to her and she keeps pushing me away and turning away. People are saying some things. I stand back and tell her to stop, and tell her if she wants me to leave I will. But she gets really upset and storms out.

I have to chase after her and sit on the road in front to get her to stop because she’s drunk. I take her back to her room. After what she said in the bar, the relationship changed. I try to talk to her about her behaviour and what she said to me at the club but she just laughs and just says it was a crazy night. I try to talk to her about our relationship, but she won’t and says we’ve already talked about it before. She keeps saying she feels pressure but she won’t talk to me about it.

We explore the city some more, she says she wants to go out to drink later but not with me. She asks me to take her back to the club and wait for her. She wants to have a drink with me after the club but I say no and we’ll have one when we return home instead.

She sends me a message early in the morning when we were going to be returning home asking if I was at the front desk. I didn’t see the message until later, so I reply but get no response. I’m a little worried about her since she was drinking and was a little emotional. I got to the front desk and check if she’s there and ask if she had been waiting, she hadn’t.

I go to her room and gently knock on the door, no answer. I figure she’s still sleeping. I go back to bed for a while, there’s a knock on my door. I open the door thinking it’s her but she called the POLICE.

They tell me she heard a knock on the door and she asked the hotel staff to call the police. They tell me she’s very sensitive and thinks the relationship is going too fast. She doesn’t want me to contact her. I tell them we were going to organise how much each of us paid when we got back home, so they talk to her and she agrees to pay me her share. I feel so worried and concerned about her right now but they told me not to contact her. She blocked me from social media.


Did I do something wrong that warranted the police being called?
Were there some red flags I didn’t see?
What can I do to handle the situation better in the future?

I think there's plenty of red flags you didn't see. You list some of them at the beginning.

China is a very traditional country where people settle down early and it would be taboo to marry a westerner, although it does happen sometimes.

To me it sounds like she was never that interested, she just liked the idea of and the danger factor of spending some time with a westerner.

But there's taking it slow and taking it slow, did the fact that you'd being seeing eachother months and not even kissed not suggest disinterest to you?

You need to expect more effort in a relationship, this girl was giving you absolutely nothing. The police stuff seems pretty crazy, you're better off without her.

[Accurate42]

2 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I think there's plenty of red flags you didn't see. You list some of them at the beginning.

China is a very traditional country where people settle down early and it would be taboo to marry a westerner, although it does happen sometimes.

To me it sounds like she was never that interested, she just liked the idea of and the danger factor of spending some time with a westerner.

But there's taking it slow and taking it slow, did the fact that you'd being seeing eachother months and not even kissed not suggest disinterest to you?

You need to expect more effort in a relationship, this girl was giving you absolutely nothing. The police stuff seems pretty crazy, you're better off without her.

It did seem that she was disinterested in me. I stopped messaging and heard nothing until a week later, she started to message me more frequently asking to have dinner at my place.

She did show some signs that we were becoming a little more affectionate, like she would ask if she could hold onto my arm when we cuddle and watch a movie. But she would take something away, like the hugging and holding hands, even on the private estate I live, and tell me it was pressure.

I asked her about the kissing and she just told me she'd tell me when she's ready.

Yeah, looking back it felt like I wasn't getting any affection from her and I was giving most of it. 

The police seemed understanding and could see the situation wasn't normal, even the hotel staff were mostly kind with me. Just completely bizarre, unexpected, and unnecessary. 

[FredEire]

3 minutes ago, Accurate42 said:

It did seem that she was disinterested in me. I stopped messaging and heard nothing until a week later, she started to message me more frequently asking to have dinner at my place.

She did show some signs that we were becoming a little more affectionate, like she would ask if she could hold onto my arm when we cuddle and watch a movie. But she would take something away, like the hugging and holding hands, even on the private estate I live, and tell me it was pressure.

I asked her about the kissing and she just told me she'd tell me when she's ready.

Yeah, looking back it felt like I wasn't getting any affection from her and I was giving most of it. 

The police seemed understanding and could see the situation wasn't normal, even the hotel staff were mostly kind with me. Just completely bizarre, unexpected, and unnecessary. 

If a girl is really into you she won't be denying you affection, she'll be all over you.

There can be a cultural or personal preference issue sometimes in terms of when you first kiss or sleep together, but three months isn't "taking it slow" it's non-interest.

Key thing I've learned in dating is listen to your gut. If she's acting disinterested, most of the time she is. If you feel some weird funky atmosphere or see strange behaviour patterns all is not as it seems and you're probably better off out of the picture if she can't be honest with you about what's really going on or blames you for her shortcomings.

[Alpacalia]

Yikes.

I'm so sorry it ended this way but I don't see that you really did anything wrong. She was definitely acting in ways that I would find really weird as well. To begin with, she seemed to have almost no real interest in being a part of your life.

She was very compartmentalized and wanted to keep her life and your life very separated. There's no escaping what you wrote - she was just using you. You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't intentionally hurt her. Cancelling plans by not showing up and not answering. Forcing you to change your clothes, telling you to wait for her and she didn't show with no explanation, wanting you to go away alone while she stays home, and knowing nothing about her family and where she lived after three months of dating, all add up to enough red flags that you shouldn't ignore these signs should you see them again in someone else.

Just be grateful that you didn't get her pregnant in those three months. This is a small comfort now because you feel so bad, but if you had, you would feel more terrible because she would be stuck in your life forever, at least until the child turns 18. You can safely write this relationship off. 

[d0nnivain]

The two BIG red flags you missed were she's a tease & a gold digger.  The minute she said she wanted somebody to lift her out of poverty that was your cue to leave.  As for the rest of it, not wanting to be seen in public with you was such a slap in the face.  There was no excuse for that rudeness.  If somebody starts to treat you like that, it's time to walk away not stick around & take them on a nice trip for them to pick up & flirt with others.  

No you didn't deserve to have the police called.  If she had the hotel call the police but they immediately came to your room out of all the other hotel guests, she pointed them toward you.  Now that she has called the police and blocked you, take that seriously.  Never contact her again or you could end up in jail.  

[ShyViolet]

On 2/20/2024 at 10:03 PM, Accurate42 said:

Were there some red flags I didn’t see?
What can I do to handle the situation better in the future?

You can't possibly be serious?  You didn't see any red flags throughout this ordeal?  Your story is just one red flag after another after another.  It doesn't sound like this girl even liked you.  Based on her crazy and erratic behavior, I'm also wondering if she has some mental issues.

You really need to get better at recognizing red flags before you date again.  

[smackie9]

You were being used. Next time when you have to do all the lifting, dump them quick. 

[Accurate42]

On 2/21/2024 at 6:15 PM, FredEire said:

If a girl is really into you she won't be denying you affection, she'll be all over you.

There can be a cultural or personal preference issue sometimes in terms of when you first kiss or sleep together, but three months isn't "taking it slow" it's non-interest.

Key thing I've learned in dating is listen to your gut. If she's acting disinterested, most of the time she is. If you feel some weird funky atmosphere or see strange behaviour patterns all is not as it seems and you're probably better off out of the picture if she can't be honest with you about what's really going on or blames you for her shortcomings.

Yeah, you're right. I'm all for taking things slow, but it did get to the point where it felt like all she did was come over to mine to eat and sleep, nothing else. She would just watch some videos on her phone then take herself to bed.

Next time, if they can't be honest, then like you say they're better off out of the picture.

[Accurate42]

On 2/21/2024 at 11:39 PM, d0nnivain said:

The two BIG red flags you missed were she's a tease & a gold digger.  The minute she said she wanted somebody to lift her out of poverty that was your cue to leave.  As for the rest of it, not wanting to be seen in public with you was such a slap in the face.  There was no excuse for that rudeness.  If somebody starts to treat you like that, it's time to walk away not stick around & take them on a nice trip for them to pick up & flirt with others.  

No you didn't deserve to have the police called.  If she had the hotel call the police but they immediately came to your room out of all the other hotel guests, she pointed them toward you.  Now that she has called the police and blocked you, take that seriously.  Never contact her again or you could end up in jail.  

I could understand the not wanting to be seen right next to where she lived, but when we went to other places and we were just locking arms or I try and hold her hand (we've held hands before) and other people are around, she would complain about pressure and move away or run away from me. This made me question what she really wanted. The fact she said she didn't want people to see me with her or her with me, in a completely different city, was a slap to the face; and I was ready to tell her I didn't want to be romantically involved.

The police is just bizarre, she's stayed over at my place lots and lots of times, and she's felt comfortable enough to do so. 

[Accurate42]

On 2/23/2024 at 3:26 AM, ShyViolet said:

You can't possibly be serious?  You didn't see any red flags throughout this ordeal?  Your story is just one red flag after another after another.  It doesn't sound like this girl even liked you.  Based on her crazy and erratic behavior, I'm also wondering if she has some mental issues.

You really need to get better at recognizing red flags before you date again.  

In hindsight, I know what the red flags are now 

She just became totally erratic in the space of a few days which is so strange, so maybe has some mental issues.

 

 

[Gaeta]

Yes her actions were not representative of traditional chinese women but if l understand well you are not Chinese yourself so it changes everything. Traditional chinese women date chinese men. Older chinese women that have never met a Chinese man for husband will date foreigners but it's viewed like she is less then. At 26 she is almost at the limit to find a Chinese man, usually 27-28 yo they're considered old maids. This woman was only interested in using you, right from the get go she said she wanted to meet other people. My guess she was looking for a rich foreigner.

[FredEire]

17 hours ago, Accurate42 said:

Yeah, you're right. I'm all for taking things slow, but it did get to the point where it felt like all she did was come over to mine to eat and sleep, nothing else. She would just watch some videos on her phone then take herself to bed.

Next time, if they can't be honest, then like you say they're better off out of the picture.

Someone who comes over to your house to take your food and sleep there, still isn't "ready" to even kiss you after months together, what is that? It's not a girlfriend, it's not friends with benefits, it doesn't even sound like friends to be honest. More like an emotional and financial vampire.

You just have to have higher standards for yourself. You should be emotionally and sexually fulfilled in a good relationship, if someone doesn't seem like they even want to engage with you in either of those areas just say ok, I wish you luck and goodbye, as early as possible so you don't waste any more time on it.