Lotsgoingon Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 Mind games. She probably doesn't know what she game she was running herself. The one-sided conversation is a major red flag, I agree. Just be clear. There folks in the world who we know are self-absorbed but who are charming all the same. It's easy to just go along for the ride with them on a date. But you have to catch yourself. You don't want to go the home of this person on the first date. These people can be dangerous. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aphexx13 Posted February 23 Author Share Posted February 23 thanks everyone for the input and support. i do believe she had no intension of forming a relationship and only wanted a hookup and when she didnt get it she got mad at me for wasting her night. the whole kissing chemistry thing doesnt make sense because if she was so drunk that she lost all her boundaries how are you going to remember if chemistry is there or not. i think she has some major relationship issues and a drinking problem. hell for all i know she could be married and cheating on her husband. she works 3rd shift 3 on 3 off and when shes working her ex husband stays at the house to watch their 17 yr old son. when i went to her house her son was with her ex down in Florida. hard lesson learned for me Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 If you think think she has a problem with drinking , she probably does. Hard to believe shes 51. That's tragic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 (edited) 1 hour ago, aphexx13 said: I agree. about the taking down the dating sites. typically what i do is only date 1 person at a time so i pause or disable my dating apps while im dating someone. i do blame myself for not seeing the red flags sooner. to my defense my profile was very detailed about my personality my like and dislikes and what i was looking for in a relationship. hers was a paragraph at most specifying meeting right away. she claimed that we were so much alike and had so many things in common. during our date we hardly got to talk about personal things. one problem and big flag was she dominated the conversation because she was so hyper physically and verbally i could barly get a word in . I do think she has a problem with drinking from some of her stories. shes 51 but seemed very immature. the thing that bothered me the most and what caused me so much confusion is she sent me a message before we met saying that the last guy she met obviously was after 1 thing and she was sick of guys doing that. thats why i was so confused when she did a 180 and jumped on me. she also said that she was hopeful that we would hit it off and we could have a dating app deleting party. Most people don't pay much attention to profiles. Most people are about 90% concerned about how attractive the individuals pictures are and about 10% concerned about what the individual says on the profile. In general when profiles are looked at they are just quickly scanned to find a conversation starter. And actually 50 something year old women acting like that isn't surprising at all. Many women are in their sexual prime in their 50's. Their kids have often moved out by then and so they have a new found freedom and opportunity to act in ways that they usually didn't while they were busy raising their kids. It's a big reason why many women in their 50's start dating younger men because they begin finding that younger guys are more at their level in terms of energy and sex drive. Good chance she drinks when she gets nervous and so that is why she was a little tipsy during the date. Drinking a bit might help her open up a bit and feel comfortable doing what she had in mind. As far as her saying how the previous guy only wanted one thing well it's probably true that she complains about it a bit after the fact (many people complain about past sexual partners) but those are probably also the types of guys that she is attracted to. Edited February 23 by Sony12 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 That sounds more like what you think than what you have evidence to support. You are not in a position of authority to declare she “has a drinking problem”, or has “major relationship issues”, or is “married and cheating”, based upon what you have described. That is speculation fueled by your disappointment. Better to have left it at, “I guess you didn’t handle your alcohol well so I moved on.” Link to post Share on other sites
Author aphexx13 Posted February 23 Author Share Posted February 23 10 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: That sounds more like what you think than what you have evidence to support. You are not in a position of authority to declare she “has a drinking problem”, or has “major relationship issues”, or is “married and cheating”, based upon what you have described. That is speculation fueled by your disappointment. Better to have left it at, “I guess you didn’t handle your alcohol well so I moved on.” evidence is what she talked about has nothing to do with what i think, its facts she gave to me. having several blackout drunk stories in the last month sounds like a issue with alcohol to me. also dominating a conversation and not listening to the other person or cutting them off is a red flag. i could name a few other things she did that are relationship red flags but whats the point. I never did say for certain that shes married or cheating. sure i was disappointed but speculation wasnt fueled by it. and after letting my emotions calm down and im thinking more clearly i can definitely say i dodged a major bullet. also i was the one there so i think i have the best perspective of the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 6 minutes ago, aphexx13 said: evidence is what she talked about has nothing to do with what i think, its facts she gave to me. having several blackout drunk stories in the last month sounds like a issue with alcohol to me. also dominating a conversation and not listening to the other person or cutting them off is a red flag. i could name a few other things she did that are relationship red flags but whats the point. I never did say for certain that shes married or cheating. sure i was disappointed but speculation wasnt fueled by it. and after letting my emotions calm down and im thinking more clearly i can definitely say i dodged a major bullet. also i was the one there so i think i have the best perspective of the situation. Are you a little on the controlling side? Do you prefer to be the one who carries conversations along and to be the one who controls the direction foreplay goes? How old are most of the women you date? Are you used to dating women over 50? Because women naturally often start becoming more assertive as they get older. They are more confident in what they are looking for and have the experiences of how to get it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aphexx13 Posted February 23 Author Share Posted February 23 39 minutes ago, Sony12 said: Are you a little on the controlling side? Do you prefer to be the one who carries conversations along and to be the one who controls the direction foreplay goes? How old are most of the women you date? Are you used to dating women over 50? Because women naturally often start becoming more assertive as they get older. They are more confident in what they are looking for and have the experiences of how to get it. no. i believe in mutual communication of what each other want. typically 6 to 10 yrs younger. this was the first person that was 1 year younger and over 50. this woman wasnt confident at all she kept going from lets do this to is this bad should we. made me very hesitant to do anything out of fear of being accused of something she didnt want. Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 16 minutes ago, aphexx13 said: no. i believe in mutual communication of what each other want. typically 6 to 10 yrs younger. this was the first person that was 1 year younger and over 50. this woman wasnt confident at all she kept going from lets do this to is this bad should we. made me very hesitant to do anything out of fear of being accused of something she didnt want. If she wasn't confident she wouldn't have invited you back to her place and come onto you like she did. Perhaps you just aren't used to that type of aggressiveness but it isn't uncommon with women who know what they are looking for. And FYI. You don't need to worry about being accused of anything unless they clearly tell you to stop and you don't. If they are reciprocating and infact initiating things than it is a 100% consensual. Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 (edited) 5 hours ago, aphexx13 said: I agree. about the taking down the dating sites. typically what i do is only date 1 person at a time so i pause or disable my dating apps while im dating someone. i do blame myself for not seeing the red flags sooner. to my defense my profile was very detailed about my personality my like and dislikes and what i was looking for in a relationship. hers was a paragraph at most specifying meeting right away. she claimed that we were so much alike and had so many things in common. during our date we hardly got to talk about personal things. one problem and big flag was she dominated the conversation because she was so hyper physically and verbally i could barly get a word in . I do think she has a problem with drinking from some of her stories. shes 51 but seemed very immature. the thing that bothered me the most and what caused me so much confusion is she sent me a message before we met saying that the last guy she met obviously was after 1 thing and she was sick of guys doing that. thats why i was so confused when she did a 180 and jumped on me. she also said that she was hopeful that we would hit it off and we could have a dating app deleting party. She's 51? Yikes. At this stage then you'd have to say it's probably some sort of chronic pattern that's dominated her dating life as you'd think anyone over at most 35 would have figured out an approach to dating that would lend itself to more solid outcomes. Do you mind me asking are you a lot younger? Is there some sort of toy boy factor involved? Edited February 23 by FredEire Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 (edited) 4 hours ago, FredEire said: She's 51? Yikes. At this stage then you'd have to say it's probably some sort of chronic pattern that's dominated her dating life as you'd think anyone over at most 35 would have figured out an approach to dating that would lend itself to more solid outcomes. Do you mind me asking are you a lot younger? Is there some sort of toy boy factor involved? No he said in a post to me that he is a year older than her. He primarily dates women under 50 though and this was the first lady for him who was over 50. It's possible that the lady does hook ups with younger men though and was acting during their date how she acts around them. A lot of highly sexual 50 something year old women online do meet up with guys in their 30's and even sometimes in their 20's. Agree though her acting in that matter would make more sense if she does enjoy having sex with younger men and has formed dating behaviors based on that. I date older women and that is why her actions don't seem that out of the ordinary to me. Edited February 23 by Sony12 Link to post Share on other sites
Author aphexx13 Posted February 23 Author Share Posted February 23 (edited) 4 hours ago, FredEire said: She's 51? Yikes. At this stage then you'd have to say it's probably some sort of chronic pattern that's dominated her dating life as you'd think anyone over at most 35 would have figured out an approach to dating that would lend itself to more solid outcomes. Do you mind me asking are you a lot younger? Is there some sort of toy boy factor involved? No I'm 52 Edited February 23 by aphexx13 Spelling Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 18 minutes ago, Sony12 said: No he said in a post to me that he is a year older than her. He primarily dates women under 50 though and this was the first lady for him who was over 50. It's possible that the lady does hook ups with younger men though and was acting during their date how she acts around them. A lot of highly sexual 50 something year old women online do meet up with guys in their 30's and even sometimes in their 20's. Agree though her acting in that matter would make more sense if she does enjoy having sex with younger men and has formed dating behaviors based on that. I date older women and that is why her actions don't seem that out of the ordinary to me. I agree. I'm 30 now an have had similar experiences dating in my 20s. Everyone moves at their own pace obviously but at this stage she may want to figure out if she actually wants another relationship or is happy hooking up for the rest of her dating years. I wonder has she had a recent seperation/divorce and wanted to sleep around but at the same time feels it isn't appropriate? Link to post Share on other sites
Author aphexx13 Posted February 23 Author Share Posted February 23 3 minutes ago, FredEire said: I agree. I'm 30 now an have had similar experiences dating in my 20s. Everyone moves at their own pace obviously but at this stage she may want to figure out if she actually wants another relationship or is happy hooking up for the rest of her dating years. I wonder has she had a recent seperation/divorce and wanted to sleep around but at the same time feels it isn't appropriate? Supposedly been divorced for 10 yrs had a relationship for 5 which was bad he was a alcoholic. Last guy she dated for 7 months but she ended it because he wanted a open relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 Sounds to me she was just looking for sex and this whole talk about exclusivity and taking her profile down was just her way to justify to herself sex on first date under these circumstances was ok. 51 yo, bringning a man home (her secure sanctuary) she does not know from internet, she is not very smart. If you are into finding a serious relationship this should have given you a hint she was not serious. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 12 minutes ago, FredEire said: I agree. I'm 30 now an have had similar experiences dating in my 20s. Everyone moves at their own pace obviously but at this stage she may want to figure out if she actually wants another relationship or is happy hooking up for the rest of her dating years. I wonder has she had a recent seperation/divorce and wanted to sleep around but at the same time feels it isn't appropriate? A lot of women who act in this manner aren't looking for anything serious at the time. Many of them have had bad experiences in relationships in the past and feel it is more enjoyable to be single than to go through that again. Some of them eventually decide to get married again but others are completely happy having non committal relationships for the rest of their dating lives. They consider their families to be all the family they need. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author aphexx13 Posted February 23 Author Share Posted February 23 Just now, Gaeta said: Sounds to me she was just looking for sex and this whole talk about exclusivity and taking her profile down was just her way to justify to herself sex on first date under these circumstances was ok. 51 yo, bringning a man home (her secure sanctuary) she does not know from internet, she is not very smart. If you are into finding a serious relationship this should have given you a hint she was not serious. I agree. I definitely missed the flags Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: Sounds to me she was just looking for sex and this whole talk about exclusivity and taking her profile down was just her way to justify to herself sex on first date under these circumstances was ok. 51 yo, bringning a man home (her secure sanctuary) she does not know from internet, she is not very smart. If you are into finding a serious relationship this should have given you a hint she was not serious. It isn't smart but I have had women invite me over to their houses right away without even bothering to go to dinner first. Now we do often talk for awhile before that happens so we are at least somewhat familiar with each other but inviting men over on the first date isn't out of the ordinary. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 8 hours ago, aphexx13 said: evidence is what she talked about has nothing to do with what i think, its facts she gave to me. having several blackout drunk stories in the last month sounds like a issue with alcohol to me. also dominating a conversation and not listening to the other person or cutting them off is a red flag. i could name a few other things she did that are relationship red flags but whats the point. I never did say for certain that shes married or cheating. sure i was disappointed but speculation wasnt fueled by it. and after letting my emotions calm down and im thinking more clearly i can definitely say i dodged a major bullet. also i was the one there so i think i have the best perspective of the situation. Yes, be happy that she is not a person you desire. Life is all about learning. You probably knew it before you went but some things are so tempting! Be a bit more discerning going to a woman's house that 1) you really don't know; 2) she needs a drink or drinks to get warmed up and "real" in the name of being "snuggly," "aggressive" and 3) you want a long-term relationship that doesn't include sex in the beginning. I can see you going from zero to 100 and leaping over the hurdles. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aphexx13 Posted February 23 Author Share Posted February 23 9 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: Yes, be happy that she is not a person you desire. Life is all about learning. You probably knew it before you went but some things are so tempting! Be a bit more discerning going to a woman's house that 1) you really don't know; 2) she needs a drink or drinks to get warmed up and "real" in the name of being "snuggly," "aggressive" and 3) you want a long-term relationship that doesn't include sex in the beginning. I can see you going from zero to 100 and leaping over the hurdles. Thanks, all good advice. Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 32 minutes ago, Sony12 said: A lot of women who act in this manner aren't looking for anything serious at the time. Many of them have had bad experiences in relationships in the past and feel it is more enjoyable to be single than to go through that again. Some of them eventually decide to get married again but others are completely happy having non committal relationships for the rest of their dating lives. They consider their families to be all the family they need. I agree. I myself have got into a few situations where I get strong feelings, the girl seems to as well and it all ends soon after in some sort of bizarre conflict in which she feels very angry and hurt by something small I did. In all these cases I realised afterwards that they were very recently out of relationships with someone they had strong feelings for and most likely were dumped. I think if there's very deep feelings very quickly it's important to question why. Is it the start of something wonderful or just a rebound/searching for a replacement while the wounds of a previous relationship are still raw. Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 56 minutes ago, aphexx13 said: Supposedly been divorced for 10 yrs had a relationship for 5 which was bad he was a alcoholic. Last guy she dated for 7 months but she ended it because he wanted a open relationship. Yeah so as I guessed she most likely has small part of her that still wants to find the man to spend the rest of her life with and a larger part that couldn't be bothered and just wants to have fun with men (including potentially much younger ones) while she still has the opportunity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aphexx13 Posted February 23 Author Share Posted February 23 3 minutes ago, FredEire said: Yeah so as I guessed she most likely has small part of her that still wants to find the man to spend the rest of her life with and a larger part that couldn't be bothered and just wants to have fun with men (including potentially much younger ones) while she still has the opportunity. Sounds about right. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 On 2/21/2024 at 11:42 PM, aphexx13 said: talked to her today and asked for some clarification. she says our kissing didnt have the chemistry she wanted. although thats not what she was saying during our making out. she was saying how turned on she was and how much she liked it. one thing i didnt like is she was very aggressive and was shoving her tongue down my throat. it was very sloppy and not very sensual. i told her that it was a bit awkward and our first time and we needed to learn each others kissing style. she said its about what she likes and wants and wont settle like she has in the past. i told her you cant judge things by 1 date and we should try a few more dates before giving up on our feelings. After she said it's all about what she likes, that would be enough for me to not want to see her again. That tells you everything you need to know about her. You didn't do anything wrong. She needs to make up her mind about what she really wants. First to say no sex and then to aggressively stick her tongue down your throat is a turn off. I would hate to be kissed that way and I'm a woman. Block and delete. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 9 minutes ago, stillafool said: After she said it's all about what she likes, that would be enough for me to not want to see her again. That tells you everything you need to know about her. You didn't do anything wrong. She needs to make up her mind about what she really wants. First to say no sex and then to aggressively stick her tongue down your throat is a turn off. I would hate to be kissed that way and I'm a woman. Block and delete. True. As long as she continues to have those interests she probably needs to stick with men who are pursuing those kinds of things on the first date. And likewise if that type of behavior is a turnoff to the TC he probably should stop accepting first date invitations. Link to post Share on other sites
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