work life imbalance (update) Anxiety

[ladyeatinggreens20]

Hello all.  This is an update from my previous thread. All the feedback received  was very much appreciated! I wanted to share a bit and vent a bit this evening. 

Since my last thread some things have gotten better. Some things got worse/ intensified and I've had to manage redirecting things to prevent escalation. What's made things better in a sense is me setting (some) better boundaries in response to being fed up with feeling... fed up. Also, after my brother became the rudest/most disrespectful anyone has ever been (verbally) to me, so that also prompted me to set more boundaries for my peace of mind... temporarily anyway. 

He's been a bully since a kid. I would get in trouble when the adults saw me defending myself... He still is a bully, intentionally or unintentionally. Only difference now is that he's an adult, plus  more crafty and charismatic.  Other members of my family now believe me, after seeing first hand.. the depths of his behavior toward them. I've had to contact a mediator and want to work with an intermediary to avoid interacting with my brother directly. Why? Because he's more manipulative than I ever realized. I feel so drained after each and every encounter with him(in person and over the phone). I used to go back and forth with him , cursing him out but it made me feel soooo bad after the fact, as if I were someone I didn't recognize. He continues to try using guilt to control me(and others as well). It causes me to distance myself, not give him any dialogue and I get anxious(which I don't like one bit). I don't want to  interact with him directly, but I do only when necessary for the sake of my mom. One weekend, he refused to get mom for a week because he "felt" she needed to be at my place. Ordinarily I would have had to actually work! Inclement weather was the only thing that allowed me to be home instead of having to be away working, not knowing when I could make it back home to make sure she was ok. Over the last few months:

• I've increased therapy sessions
• I've had a health issue. partially due to stress and partially not I guess
• I've had more trouble sleeping .  
• I've had to tell my brother and a few other family members that I will not be able to take on more right now because I need to take of my current health issues at hand. 

I've also had to state the obvious to my brother by telling him that "I matter"... I refuse to get sick from stress and/or verbal abuse. My job is stressful enough and so is dealing with an adult bully sibling. Of course I feel better when setting boundaries for myself initially, but why am I feeling so guilty after setting boundaries and actually taking care of my health...? I have follow-up doctor's appointments and one previously to see if one of my issues is cancer or not. Thankfully it's NOT. Still I have to find out what the issue actually is..... My brother doesn't give a crap. He just mainly wants to know when and if I can have my mom stay with me again in my one bedroom apartment/one bath apt... The issues that make my living situation very uncomfortable having a older adult stay with me, are described in my previous thread. So I won't get into all that again here. Bottom line, I work full time and live in a one bedroom/one bath apartment AND I need to take care of my mental and physical health. My brother on the other hand, does NOT work full time and lives in a 4 bedroom house with his wife. They have lots of space and a private bedroom for my mom. I understand that they may want a break sometimes, but I cannot always be the answer that break, especially right now... I have always shared care for my mom...  I'm the one who recognized (over the phone)when she was not well to the point of possibly losing her life... Hence her being hospitalized back to health thankfully.

But again, why am I feeling so anxious and sometimes guilty, even when my therapists is suggesting that I still need to set better boundaries...? (please, again... I'm open to feedback).  Thanks.

 

[Alpacalia]

8 hours ago, ladyeatinggreens20 said:

What's made things better in a sense is me setting (some) better boundaries in response to being fed up with feeling... fed up.

That's good. Please know that your brother being rude and disrespectful has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. If you can avoid him, do so. You have to. 

One thing that comes to mind, not sure if you already do this, is giving yourself empathy or love and being okay with that. Give yourself credit mentally/terms of what you have accomplished, feel self appreciation for facing difficult situations. Reward your own process (for lack of better term) or progress. 

[ladyeatinggreens20]

On 2/23/2024 at 8:02 AM, Alpacalia said:

Thanks Alpacalia. I have been putting some of what you’ve mentioned into practice, e.g. giving myself grace, rewarding myself with “grace” and/or just using down time to do something or nothing, to recharge. 

I’ve also been trying to go to  therapy when time permits and listening to info from individuals around the topic of boundaries.  While I refuse to match hype or belligerent energy, I still assert myself as necessary. I just get sad and sometimes upset with the fact that I’m more defensive with a family member than anyone else in my life. We don’t choose our family.
 

 

On 2/23/2024 at 8:02 AM, Alpacalia said:

That's good. Please know that your brother being rude and disrespectful has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. If you can avoid him, do so. You have to. 

One thing that comes to mind, not sure if you already do this, is giving yourself empathy or love and being okay with that. Give yourself credit mentally/terms of what you have accomplished, feel self appreciation for facing difficult situations. Reward your own process (for lack of better term) or progress. 

 

[Alpacalia]

10 hours ago, ladyeatinggreens20 said:

I just get sad and sometimes upset with the fact that I’m more defensive with a family member than anyone else in my life. We don’t choose our family.

Yes. It's frustrating. I'll pass on some sage advice that was recently given to me:

I don't want to be harsh but the rest of what you posted is irrelevant. It has nothing to do with the situation at hand which is what to do with your mother. The way you cope with your mother's situation is to decide what you are willing to do and what you aren't willing to do. What other people are willing to do or not willing to do you have no control over so stop worrying about who's turn it is or what's fair.

It's tricky because you have to interact with him on certain things and you can't avoid him completely. Your feelings are just your feelings and I appreciate that the whole situation is making you feel really bad. I'm just repeating here but what is needed here is that you set boundaries for your well-being.

Basically you are in charge of the degree to which you avoid a possible confrontation, and also in charge of the degree to which you may decide to avoid the person you choose.

[ladyeatinggreens20]

I've done some work on myself over the years, yet there's so much more... that's for sure.

Thanks for the reply.

[ShyViolet]

If you live in a 1 bedroom apt and he has a whole house.... I think it's time for you to refuse to let him send your mom to your house!  It makes no sense.  If I were you I would refuse to talk to him.  You need better boundaries!  You do not have to let someone continue to bully you.

[ladyeatinggreens20]

7 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

If you live in a 1 bedroom apt and he has a whole house.... I think it's time for you to refuse to let him send your mom to your house!  It makes no sense.  If I were you I would refuse to talk to him.  You need better boundaries!  You do not have to let someone continue to bully you.

Thanks for the reply ShyViolet. You're right about me needing to set better boundaries. And I have actually. The unfortunate part is that it has taken me to have a medical issue for me to set the better boundary and my sibling still doesn't care. I've offered several times to go to his place (or hire someone for a few hours) and relieve he and his wife, but he responded disrespectfully and rejecting it. So I basically had to tell him to kiss me where the sun "don't" shine. And I hung up. I didn't want to hear his voice anymore, all he probably heard was my dog barking in the background and the silence of me pressing "end".

I hate this type of discord and I feel worse than I felt when I started this thread. I advocate for other people all day everyday as part of my profession. Why am I feeling so helpless? He's talked about me to almost all of our family because he is and has always been a bully. Those who don't know him like I do, are blinded by his charm. Little do they know he has gossiped about all of them behind their backs... most of them have asked to stay at my place at least once over the years when they've come into town , nearby, etc. Cool.  Thing is a few of them have already become distant or nonresponsive to a simple birthday wish, holiday, etc. I haven't asked to stay with any of them for any reason, ever. 

If I'm sounding weird right now, it's because I'm trying to wrap my head around why all this is happening. I'm trying to keep my life on track without having to depend on anyone. Something my brother has never really done. He doesn't even have a job and wouldn't be in that house if it weren't for his wife. I don't bother people. I don't disrespect people. I just want this issue to go away. Really... I'm tired of drama, especially from my sibling.

I cannot just not talk to him. That's how I see my mom. If you have another suggestion, I'm definitely open to hearing it.