Am I really to blame for my husbands affair?

[QueenJade]

My husband and I have been together for 9 years and married for 2. We got together fairly young. We've both struggled with our mental health and it has definitely affected our relationship negatively. The last 3-4 years I struggled with depression and indirectly took it out on my husband. I was not always affectionate, had a low libido, isolate myself and would push him away. It was never a reflection of him and I am not excusing my actions due to my mental health. It was not fair for him to be treated this way. He would express how he felt but I would always revert back.

I ended up getting pregnant and we now have a 1 year old. My mental health started improving, went to therapy and got on medication. A few months ago my husband expressed that he has fallen out of love with me and didn't know if he wanted to be with me. I suspected a certain coworker was to blame and he did admit he liked her. 

I later found out he was emotionally cheating on me with her when I was pregnant and is essentially leaving me for her. He blames me for this and says that I drove him into another woman's arms. However these last few months he has been very conflicted and still didn't know if he wanted to be with me or her. He lost a ton of weight, cries a lot and is afraid he is going to regret this choice. He also says he still has feelings for me but the resentment is just too strong. He basically doesn't want to lose her.

 However, I found out he was sneaking around with her and leaving me home alone with our daughter while he hung out with her and we started getting into arguments. Because of this, i pushed him to make the final decision to leave. He blames me for all of this. 

I am devastated and heartbroken. Despite everything, I desperately wanted him to change his mind. I love him so much. I have lost so much weight and I feel so depressed again. I feel like he's throwing away his family for a "what if" but I also feel like I am to blame. I should have been a better wife. He is really making me feel so shitty about myself. Part of me is so angry at him and knows he's doing a bad thing, but the other part of me really blames myself. 

 

Edited February 23 by QueenJade

[Wiseman2]

He's responsible for his own actions. Have you consulted an attorney yet? 

[QueenJade]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's responsible for his own actions. Have you consulted an attorney yet? 

I spoke to one last week just to get some information. We both agree on everything so we plan on just seeking a paralegal to help with the paperwork. 

[stillafool]

He's gaslighting you.  Of course it's his fault for falling for and having an affair on you.  He's only sorry he got caught.  There are problems in marriage but people don't have affairs with other people to solve them.  He's crying crocodile tears, so don't believe anything he says to you at this point.  Keep moving forward with your plan to divorce him.  It should be pretty simple to get a divorce from what you describe.

[QueenJade]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He's gaslighting you.  Of course it's his fault for falling for and having an affair on you.  He's only sorry he got caught.  There are problems in marriage but people don't have affairs with other people to solve them.  He's crying crocodile tears, so don't believe anything he says to you at this point.  Keep moving forward with your plan to divorce him.  It should be pretty simple to get a divorce from what you describe.

I agree that he's gaslighting me and I've called him out on it. He doesn't see it that way. Every time I try and discuss the situation he always turns it around on me and blames me for everything, as well as getting mad about me getting emotional. He would go through a period of a couple of days where he seemed like he wanted to be with me due to his words and actions, but then turn around and do a complete 360 and then would get surprised when I would get upset and say "I didn't mean to lead you on." It's been a wild ride. It's also hard because he cries and gets emotional about us separating and keeps saying he is so afraid he will regret it, but doesnt want to work things out with me. But again he is choosing her over me and it is hard to accept. I also feel he has a lot of guilt and to appease his guilt he tries to convince himself and me that it's my fault so he doesn't feel like a shitty person. 

Edited February 23 by QueenJade

[stillafool]

You need to get away from him.  He's crying because he's guilty and he knows it.  He isn't crying for you but himself.  Remember that.  I knew a guy who would cry like a baby and then beat up his gf.  Do not pay attention to tears.  He isn't going to let her go and even if he did he will blame you and then go back to her.  You need to leave and find that paralegal.

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, QueenJade said:

 The last 3-4 years I struggled with depression and indirectly took it out on my husband. I was not always affectionate, had a low libido, isolate myself and would push him away. It was never a reflection of him and I am not excusing my actions due to my mental health. It was not fair for him to be treated this way.

None of this magically drives someone to cheat. You are not responsible for his affair. 
 

That being said, those things can definitely lead to the breakdown of a marriage. I suspect even without the affair, the marriage was on rocky ground and was going to end regardless. 

[Wiseman2]

 It's great you spoke to an attorney last week just to get some information.  Unfortunately people don't "agree" to divorce.  Divorce is a legal situation that needs to be dissolved in court.

Please don't sign anything or agree to anything. Especially as a stay at home mother you'll need a lot of financial protection for yourself and your children.

Right now you're letting your husband have his cake and eat it too. However when he gets papers from your attorney about division of assets, alimony and child support, he'll wake up quickly.