Rebobble Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 I (27m) have been in a relationship with my so (28f) for 7 years tomorrow. Things moved pretty fast, we moved in together after about 6 months and stayed together ever since. We have a great relationship in the sense that she's honestly the best person I've been with, I am so happy to be in her life, she's proper incredible. She's my best friend and we have lived through tough times together. We never fight, mostly because we tend to both be easy-going people and have very similar tastes and interests. She's the only person I have introduced to my parents and we have been talking semi-seriously about getting married (we have both thought about it, but she's dropping more and more hints towards this). The main issue we face in our relationship is physical intimacy. It just never happens. As in twice in the last 4 1/2 years. We have talked about this and each time she has said that she wants to have more, but never actually does anything about it. This is generally a non-issue since we both have relatively low sex drives, but is sometimes a bit frustrating. She moved out of our flat since Sep. for a 2 1/2 year training course. She used to come back on the weekends, but has now started a position about 700 miles away, so this is no longer a possibility. I have managed to travel to her last month, and currently am on my there again for a few days. Things were a bit hard at the start of this new part of our relationship, since both of us were feeling lonely, but they have been better for a few weeks now. The real problem is that I have met someone else. She (23f) and I have bumped into each other a few times before but only started properly talking last Friday. Things then moved quite fast as this conversation quickly turned to flirting. We met up last night to watch a movie and we ended up having sex and sleeping together. I would usually not find this to be such a major problem since I consider physical desire to be completely independent of romantic desire. But I have been feeling like this is different. I yearn for messages from her and she does the same. She knew I was in a relationship when she started talking to me, so I'm not sure about what she expects, but we both had a great time. So basically, I can't help thinking that my current relationship might have run its course and that we could/would be better off as friends. But this is my first serious relationship, the person I have all the important firsts with and someone with whom I can really imagine building a future / marrying / raising kids, so this is generating a lot of anxiety. Maybe I am just confused by the novelty of this new relationship? Maybe I am just afraid of losing the comfort of my current one and this very important person in my life? Has anyone here been in such a situation? I plan on talking about all this to my therapist when I get back but I have too much on my chest to not mention anything before this. Link to post Share on other sites
La.Primavera Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 I would like to sympathize with your situation about the lack of intimacy, but the way you so casually gloss over having sex with another woman and cheating on the "best person you have ever been with", who you have been with for the past seven years like it is no big deal is really concerning. It reads so heartless and cold. Do I think you should end the relationship? Yes, absolutely! For many reasons, but the biggest reasons would be that she deserves better, and this new person you are seeing sounds like she is a better fit and has similar values. I can't think of any reason to continue the relationship. It's already over. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 Agree that your current relationship might have run its course. You are already sleeping with someone else. Please set both yourselves free, and don't try to be friends. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 2 hours ago, Rebobble said: But this is my first serious relationship, the person I have all the important firsts with Having all your firsts in a relationship doesn't necessarily equate to having longevity in the relationship. People tend to get overly-attached to the idea of being with your first, but the reality is that the first is rarely the last. And that's not a bad thing at all. There are plenty of healthy reasons why people move on from their first real partner. 2 hours ago, Rebobble said: I can't help thinking that my current relationship might have run its course and that we could/would be better off as friends Given that there is basically zero sexual intimacy in your relationship, you essentially already are just friends. It is very concerning that you two are so young and the bedroom is already dead. I do think you are correct that your relationship has run its course. You both need to move on from each other, but please be careful about pinning your hopes on this new girl. That may or may not develop, but it is your very clear indication that you need to end it with your girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rebobble Posted February 23 Author Share Posted February 23 2 hours ago, La.Primavera said: I would like to sympathize with your situation about the lack of intimacy, but the way you so casually gloss over having sex with another woman and cheating on the "best person you have ever been with", who you have been with for the past seven years like it is no big deal is really concerning. It reads so heartless and cold. Thanks for the reply. This is definitely not how I want it to seem, but I do have a tendency to over rationalize and do this. The point I was trying to make is that I have always believed that having sex with someone else is fine as it is simply answering physical needs. However, this encounter has left me asking myself all these questions which is why I am currently panicking... I just can't seem to find a way to explain it Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 It seems like you are going to have a tough time convincing your GF and this woman you're currently sleeping with that having sex with someone else is fine as it is simply answering physical needs. Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 3 hours ago, Rebobble said: Maybe I am just afraid of losing the comfort of my current one and this very important person in my life? Has anyone here been in such a situation? Personally I made a mistake on this situation- I stayed in the safe but fading relationship and have probably ended the chances too with the other love of my life (the only woman I have asked to marry me) She came back into my life after eight years apart- but I stayed in the relationship which was steady but lacking something, Id strongly encourage you to end your current relationship- stay friends sounds good- but set the two of you free as alluded above and move on. there are always new possibilities ahead- in my situation if I end up with neither of the two women- I am opening up to the prospect well what the hell- there may be even better to come. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 You have lived together for six years and had sex only a handful of times? You've had sex only twice in the past 4 1/2 years? Come on now. Something is way off, like spectacularly off, that both of you continue in such a friendship, claiming you're romantic partners. The options: you guys have no sexual attraction to each other. Or one of you (or both) is not attracted to the other sex in general. Or one or both of you have serious sexual trauma that you're miles deep in denial about. Or (and this is most likely the case) several of these conditions are true. Of course you were going to get involved with someone else because you are NOT involved with your current "gf." You're pretending to be involved. Pretend involvement is no match for real romantic passion. Passion will win out over pretense every time. Any chance both of you were raised in strictly religious families that created shame about premarital sex that both of you internalized? You need to break up with the “gf” and move out and live your life. And she needs to do the same. Your involvement with the new woman isn't the surprise. The surprise is that you and your "gf" lasted as long as you did in a chaste relationship. BTW: best friends that have been through tough times together = zero when it comes to romance if there is no romance in the first place. There has to be romance AND friendship, not just friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 24 Share Posted February 24 Yes, I would say that your current relationship has run its course. It’s not a romantic relationship if you are not sexually intimate with your partner - you are roommates or friends. And now, you have cheated with another woman… so, it’s time to end your relationship. Beat wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 24 Share Posted February 24 (edited) 6 hours ago, Rebobble said: The point I was trying to make is that I have always believed that having sex with someone else is fine as it is simply answering physical needs. Is your girlfriend of the same opinion? Because, it doesn’t necessarily matter how you think of the situation when you have cheated on your partner - she is the person who decides whether this is acceptable to her, or not. And most people would have a real problem with this… Edited February 24 by BaileyB 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rebobble Posted February 25 Author Share Posted February 25 On 2/24/2024 at 5:18 AM, BaileyB said: Is your girlfriend of the same opinion? Because, it doesn’t necessarily matter how you think of the situation when you have cheated on your partner - she is the person who decides whether this is acceptable to her, or not. And most people would have a real problem with this… Soooo, clearly not. We have had this conversation before (and a few times actually) along the years. This is also part of why I am having a lot of trouble with this situation at the moment, since she does not deserve this. However, I have been literally waiting for weeks to join her and now that I'm here, I can't seem to enjoy it, which is adding even more panic to the mix. On 2/24/2024 at 12:50 AM, Lotsgoingon said: The options: you guys have no sexual attraction to each other. Or one of you (or both) is not attracted to the other sex in general. Or one or both of you have serious sexual trauma that you're miles deep in denial about. Or (and this is most likely the case) several of these conditions are true. Any chance both of you were raised in strictly religious families that created shame about premarital sex that both of you internalized? You need to break up with the “gf” and move out and live your life. And she needs to do the same. Your involvement with the new woman isn't the surprise. The surprise is that you and your "gf" lasted as long as you did in a chaste relationship. So, we used to. When we started dating, we had a "normal" sexual activity and this for a while. No strictly religious families and no particular shame about sex (even though we still wouldn't speak of sex to our parents but that does not seem off to me). She did switch pills a few years back and lack of desire seemed to have stemmed from there, but when we talk, she says she is attracted sexually to me, but then nothing happens afterwards (and we have had these conversations multiple times). The main point I'm having trouble with is that my partner and I have, apart from sex, a really good relationship. She's inspiring and amazing and we find peace and comfort in our relationship with one another. Sex has never been the cement in our relationship, but the affection and pride we take in each other. She is the first person that I have imagined building a proper life with, having a house, kids and the works. She and I strive for the same things in life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rebobble Posted February 25 Author Share Posted February 25 I am fully aware that she does not deserve to be treated like this, and that I should have thought of this beforehand. But somehow, this still happened. I cannot begin to put words on how tortured I feel and how lost I am trying to find the best way out of this. I can't even make my mind up about whether this relationship where there was talk about marriage in the next few years and buying a house and whatever should be fixed and worked out or if I'm just simply too used to the comfort of this relationship and not "in love". This is running through my head 24/7 since friday and its getting really complicated to deal with.. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted February 25 Share Posted February 25 (edited) Make a decision and stick to it. Either end the relationship where there is no open or cheating, or break up and allow her to find someone else who can fulfill her needs. You have outgrown her. It's as simple as that. You're in their care which is two different people at the same time not justifiable. They help no one especially you. Edited February 25 by Alpacalia Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted February 25 Share Posted February 25 (edited) She is the first person that I have imagined building a proper life with, having a house, kids and the works. OP, I've read thousands of posts on this forum and had thousands of conversations in my life. I have NEVER heard someone use the term "proper life." You used that term earlier as well, in your first post. Twice in your first post. What do you mean by "proper life?" I'm wondering if there is some hidden thinking in here that is important for understanding what's going on with you and your gf. Sounds like you might have a Madonna-Whore split going on in your mind. Edited February 25 by Lotsgoingon Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rebobble Posted February 26 Author Share Posted February 26 20 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: She is the first person that I have imagined building a proper life with, having a house, kids and the works. OP, I've read thousands of posts on this forum and had thousands of conversations in my life. I have NEVER heard someone use the term "proper life." You used that term earlier as well, in your first post. Twice in your first post. What do you mean by "proper life?" I'm wondering if there is some hidden thinking in here that is important for understanding what's going on with you and your gf. Sounds like you might have a Madonna-Whore split going on in your mind. Ok, so this is probably more of an issue with my local English slang. In this case, I use "proper" as one would use "really good" or something in the vicinity. I'm not sure that there's much to read into this. What I mean is the epitomy of the "normal dream life" : if I have to imagine myself 30 years from now, I have no trouble imagining myself by the side of my current partner. She is truly someone that you can imagine being with in the long term. This is mainly why I'm torn in this situation as it would be a lot easier if I could not fathom a future with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 26 Share Posted February 26 On 2/24/2024 at 4:25 AM, Rebobble said: We met up last night to watch a movie and we ended up having sex and sleeping together. Umm, yikes. Let's just say this was NOT what I was expecting from the tone of your post before this sentence kicked in... Look, very few relationships survive infidelity, and those that do are usually married with kids and practical reasons to stay together. LDRs especially do not survive infidelity, because all you really have in a LDR is trust and communication, and frankly in this situation you two clearly have neither. Please do your gf a favour and break up with her instead of stringing her along. On 2/24/2024 at 4:25 AM, Rebobble said: I would usually not find this to be such a major problem since I consider physical desire to be completely independent You would usually not find it a major problem to be physically cheating on the "best person you've been with"!?!?! I just... what are you even saying? Honestly it's like reading a (poorly coded) generative AI post about a human relationship... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 26 Share Posted February 26 2 hours ago, Rebobble said: What I mean is the epitomy of the "normal dream life" : if I have to imagine myself 30 years from now, I have no trouble imagining myself by the side of my current partner. She is truly someone that you can imagine being with in the long term. Without any sex life. That doesn't sound like the dream. It sounds like you will continue to feel sexually unfulfilled and I guarantee that it is going to lead to resentment. So while you may have the outward trappings of a great relationship, the truth is that you two would be missing a key element of what distinguishes a friendship from a romantic partnership: sexual intimacy. Since you are already struggling with this (and understandably so) and actually cheating on her, the idea of a normal dream life with her is mostly an illusion. It will become an even bigger problem if you commit to a lifetime of this. Ending this relationship wouldn't mean giving up the dream, in other words. That dream exists mostly in your imagination. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 26 Share Posted February 26 On 2/25/2024 at 1:48 PM, Rebobble said: Sex has never been the cement in our relationship, but the affection and pride we take in each other But surely you understand there is a wide margin between sex cementing a relationship, and sex being virtually absent from a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rebobble Posted February 28 Author Share Posted February 28 Sooo, update on this. Managed to man up and talk to her last night. Mentioned the things that were frustrating me and the level to which they are frustrating. She was devastated of course. We kinda hit a communication wall, so I left this morning. We agreed to take some time apart to think things through. Even though I know that this conversation was necessary, it still hurt both of us and even in the second part of the conversation this morning, we were both heartbroken. I have friends telling me to break things up completely, others telling me that this is fixable. I can't seem to wrap my head around anything at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 28 Share Posted February 28 1 minute ago, Rebobble said: Managed to man up and talk to her last night. Mentioned the things that were frustrating me and the level to which they are frustrating Did you tell her you cheated on her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rebobble Posted February 28 Author Share Posted February 28 7 minutes ago, Els said: Did you tell her you cheated on her? No. Chickened out. I hinted at it and I believe she picked it up. I was going to tell her but I honestly could not bring myself to it when looking at her. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 28 Share Posted February 28 3 hours ago, Rebobble said: No. Chickened out. I hinted at it and I believe she picked it up. I was going to tell her but I honestly could not bring myself to it when looking at her. Well, she needs to know. Otherwise there's no point in her "thinking about things" when she's missing 90% of the picture. It's incredibly unkind and cruel of you to keep hiding this from her, especially if you're not even breaking up yet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rebobble Posted February 28 Author Share Posted February 28 1 hour ago, Els said: Well, she needs to know. Otherwise there's no point in her "thinking about things" when she's missing 90% of the picture. It's incredibly unkind and cruel of you to keep hiding this from her, especially if you're not even breaking up yet. I know. I wanted to disclose everything last night and originally planned on fully breaking up. I just couldn't when I was talking to her and I saw her so hurt. I know I'm the one that hurt her in the first place and that I should own up to my actions. I fully appreciate that. But in that moment, I couldn't. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 28 Share Posted February 28 7 hours ago, Rebobble said: I have friends telling me to break things up completely, others telling me that this is fixable Your friends aren't in the relationship. You need to listen to yourself on this one. This is especially true if your friends don't know you cheated. (do they?) 3 hours ago, Rebobble said: I know I'm the one that hurt her in the first place and that I should own up to my actions At this point, you really should. Don't lie by omission anymore. I can understand that it's hard to drop a bomb like that, but taking time apart to think is useless when she doesn't have all the facts. What is she meant to be thinking about, exactly? 7 hours ago, Rebobble said: Mentioned the things that were frustrating me and the level to which they are frustrating. She was devastated of course. What did you tell her? That you were thinking of breaking up because there is no intimacy? I am a little confused as to how this conversation went. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 28 Share Posted February 28 10 hours ago, Rebobble said: I hinted at it and I believe she picked it up. 6 hours ago, Rebobble said: But in that moment, I couldn't. So, you hinted with the hope that she would discover the truth herself and you wouldn’t have to say it. But, what you’ve done is hinted such that her imagination is going to go wild - As difficult as it is for you to confess the truth, I’m sure that she would prefer to know the truth than to wonder whether you have/have not been faithful and to imagine all the possibilities… In avoiding your own discomfort, you have now essentially passed the pain and discomfort to her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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