Figuring out what I want

[mario_C]

I've realized something about myself: I miss living alone.

I look after an elderly parent so I can't say that I live alone per se. I'm 55 and am desperate for a date or intimate relationship, but what confuses me is that I don't actually like being with or talking to other people. So that's my real obstacle. 

Is that just my brain sabotaging me, or am I just wired to live and die alone? I'm already too old to date, and figuring out how to be a social person, how to talk to people (women), is wearing me out.

Some days I wish I could just make my own dinner and eat edibles and breathe free again - that's what I really want. But I can't return there.

I don't know what to do. 

[Alpacalia]

Do you think that because you care for an elderly parent that is why you don't enjoy being around others? Sometimes when we care for someone else, it can be emotionally and physically draining, and we just want to be alone and recharge our batteries.

[mario_C]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Do you think that because you care for an elderly parent that is why you don't enjoy being around others? Sometimes when we care for someone else, it can be emotionally and physically draining, and we just want to be alone and recharge our batteries.

Hello again! There's quite a bit of that, and also I train myself to isolate - to have privacy, to do things I like to do. I have to retrain myself to do things with others, to compromise.

[basil67]

Seems like a chicken and egg thing going on here.   Which came first: training yourself to isolate or disliking company?   

[Gaeta]

You want something but don't want the trouble of getting it. It's what drives everything in life: how much motivated you are.

There is no age to fall in love, l fell in love again last year at 57. I really really want to grow old with someone so l did the whole online dating and l found my someone after a year and a half searching. Everybody hates searching for someone to date but it's a matter of how much you want the treasure at the end of the rainbow.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately living with a parent will make dating somewhat difficult as far as privacy and ability to entertain dates. It's unfortunate you have to take care of your elderly parent, however you could start looking into resources for elder care and assisted living. This might be a solution for both of you. 

Edited February 25 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

It is going to make dating difficult so I would caution you to be upfront with it and make sure whomever you date is understanding and supportive of your situation.

Yes, it's going to narrow the pool of possibilities considerably and yes, it may mean that you remain single for a while, but ultimately it's important to find someone who accepts and supports all aspects of your life.

That being said, if you're so inclined, try to work on being more social and open to spending time with others, even if it's just small gatherings or one-on-one interactions. This will expand your social circle and potentially meet new people who may be interested in getting to know you better with similar interests and create a more natural environment for socializing.

[Gaeta]

I don't see taking care of an elderly parent as an obstacle unless your parent is completely dependant on you for eating, cleaning, and bathroom. Is it the case?

[Foxhall]

On 2/24/2024 at 1:37 PM, mario_C said:

but what confuses me is that I don't actually like being with or talking to other people. 

I 

I admire your honesty on this,

the only thing Id say on this is well while its ok to feel this way from time to time- ultimately we are wired for connection and excessive isolation is not good for us- I have to take the word on smart people who have researched this over the years,

personally Ive always been a bit of a loner but nonetheless I do also feel better after being in company - I might need alone time to recharge afterwards but the company of decent people is good for the soul.

in that sense the biggest barrier to you finding a relationship is not your elderly parent- the main barrier is yourself,

I wish you good luck and advise you to open your heart.

[mario_C]

14 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I don't see taking care of an elderly parent as an obstacle unless your parent is completely dependant on you for eating, cleaning, and bathroom. Is it the case?

Hi, no that is not the situation. Not yet, anyway.

[mario_C]

15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately living with a parent will make dating somewhat difficult as far as privacy and ability to entertain dates. It's unfortunate you have to take care of your elderly parent, however you could start looking into resources for elder care and assisted living. This might be a solution for both of you. 

Wiseman, no, I'm not putting her in a home so I can date. She will never be ok with that. I would just have to move out if it came to that.

[Els]

11 hours ago, mario_C said:

Wiseman, no, I'm not putting her in a home so I can date. She will never be ok with that. I would just have to move out if it came to that.

I get that there's a lot of negative emotions around retirement homes, but honestly I don't think most people are equipped to be their elderly parent's sole caregiver, and also most people are not going to want to be in a serious or long-term relationship with a person who intends to live with their parent until death does them part. Nobody's saying that you should just book her into a place without her consent and never talk to her again, but on the other hand you shouldn't be giving up the entirety of your life's prime to be her sole caregiver, and if she loves you she wouldn't want that for you either. There's a middle ground for most people - hiring a caregiver, or visiting them frequently in a retirement home, etc.

I'm a bit confused if the house you are living in belongs to you or her? Of course, if it belongs to her, then it is you who needs to move out - you can't take her house and tell her to go live somewhere else.

Edited February 26 by Els

[d0nnivain]

You are not too old to date at 55.  My MIL & her current partner found each other in their late 60s. 

It's possible to find somebody who respects your need for privacy & alone time.  You will also have to find somebody who is 420 friendly & who will be cool with your edibles.  

Have you ever been a social person or been able to talk to women, about anything?  Do you have friends?  There's not magic to this; it's more about smiling, saying hello, being nice & listening.   It's easy to meet people if you are around like minded individuals.  I was just at a conference over the weekend.  It was so easy to strike up a conversation because every there was so happy to talk to people of like mind.   What are your interests?  Find groups of people who like what you like.  

[Alpacalia]

On 2/24/2024 at 8:26 AM, mario_C said:

Hello again! There's quite a bit of that, and also I train myself to isolate - to have privacy, to do things I like to do. I have to retrain myself to do things with others, to compromise.

Didn't you also say that you're a professional driver? Maybe that's part of it too. If you're with people all day and that kind of profession involves a lot of direct human interaction, it's understandable that you would want time to yourself. 

I'm not much of a driver, but I notice when I spend a lot of time with people at work I don't exactly want to go out of my way to socialize afterwards either unless it's in a very limited, specific condition. Speaking of, I took an Uber the other day and I was in no mood to talk. The driver kept trying to socialize with me and I felt myself getting grumpyguts. It's surprising how few words I wanted to devote to a stranger - after 5 days of no one but a dog to talk to, but I ended up having a really fun conversation with the driver.

There's nothing wrong with that though...maybe build in some time to yourself. Do something fun. Reward yourself somehow. Consider living alone when circumstances allow. I think everyone needs some kind of outlets that are fortifying for them.

Start small, perhaps by joining a social group or taking a class that interests you. Focus on building friendships and meaningful connections first, instead of solely focusing on finding a romantic partner. Or, just go out on ONE date. It doesn't have to be a big deal. Maybe you'll have a nice time, maybe you won't.

Edited February 26 by Alpacalia

[mario_C]

Hi, everyone. We talked about me moving out and she seems OK with it. She gets I'm deeply unhappy living like this, and that she also wants to live her own life more fully. But mainly that we both should have our own space as long as her health holds out. Mood swings can happen, but right now she seems accepting of what I need to do.

So now it's a question of money - this area is stupid expensive to live on your own in, but I can work hard and afford it. She would need to help on the down payment, though, which means she'll veto anything not to her approval and also be nosy about my spending... Anyway, we're making progress.

As for the dating thing, I'm on Bumble now. Not getting any answers, but it's fun to see that yes, some single women are out there. I also try the BFF and Bizz sections, and have to sort through a lot of sales bros and confused artists LOL

Edited February 29 by mario_C
Just ensuring we can edit posts, good

[Els]

7 hours ago, mario_C said:

So now it's a question of money - this area is stupid expensive to live on your own in, but I can work hard and afford it. She would need to help on the down payment,

Why would you need her to pay for a down payment? You could rent, as most people do when they first move out from their parents' place. Admittedly renting isn't ideal at 55yo, but I don't see how it's any worse financially than paying rent to your mother? And if you weren't in fact paying rent to your mother and were living in her house for free, why don't you have a down payment saved up at this age? (Also, you're not exactly just "looking after your mom" if you're living with her rent-free and she's able to do most things by herself, are you? That's called "living with mom".)

Edited February 29 by Els

[mario_C]

3 hours ago, Els said:

Why would you need her to pay for a down payment? You could rent, as most people do when they first move out from their parents' place. Admittedly renting isn't ideal at 55yo, but I don't see how it's any worse financially than paying rent to your mother? And if you weren't in fact paying rent to your mother and were living in her house for free, why don't you have a down payment saved up at this age? (Also, you're not exactly just "looking after your mom" if you're living with her rent-free and she's able to do most things by herself, are you? That's called "living with mom".)

A rental still requires 3 months of rent to move in. A condo is much worse. I was never very good at making money or investing 😕

I do laundry, pay utilities, and pay for most groceries - she insists on splitting, you know how it is. And I own my business, such as it were.

But point made - this is why I need to have my own place. It's been too long. I'll do what it takes.

Edited February 29 by mario_C

[Alpacalia]

54 minutes ago, mario_C said:

A rental still requires 3 months of rent to move in. A condo is much worse. I was never very good at making money or investing 😕

I do laundry, pay utilities, and pay for most groceries - she insists on splitting, you know how it is. And I own my business, such as it were.

But point made - this is why I need to have my own place. It's been too long. I'll do what it takes.

I feel for you OP. When my mother was ill and lived with me I took care of ALL her living expenses. I own a condo and rent it out, and rent an apartment for my "living". It is all I NEED.

If you're caregiving for your mother then she should absolutely be contributing towards the rent if she can afford it (unless it is some kind of extraordinary circumstances or she is otherwise completely destitute). 

[mario_C]

26 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I feel for you OP. When my mother was ill and lived with me I took care of ALL her living expenses. I own a condo and rent it out, and rent an apartment for my "living". It is all I NEED.

If you're caregiving for your mother then she should absolutely be contributing towards the rent if she can afford it (unless it is some kind of extraordinary circumstances or she is otherwise completely destitute). 

Hi, Alpacalia! Yeah, these are some of the things that ate through all my savings at various points. So recently I've been working the bare minimum thinking another degree would help, but it's feeling like a waste of time. It's more important for me now to rebuild financially and get my own space.

She absolutely pays for many things - house is paid off, and we alternate paying groceries (I turned her on to a Asian mart here, and she directed me to her fave supermarket which is actually pretty good). She likes to buy stuff on Walmart, which is...well, her decision

[Alpacalia]

Just now, mario_C said:

She likes to buy stuff on Walmart, which is...well, her decision

Well who doesn't? lol Yeah, I hear ya. It makes sense that a fresh start would help things.

[mario_C]

So I came to a moment of clarity. I know that I just don't deserve love or affection or closeness because I'm a loser. It's obvious.

But everyday I fight it. I work on making my life meaningful every day. Doesn't that count? Could I deserve somebody one day?

Probably not. But if I give up I couldn't give on.

 I dictated this in my car in a parking lot so I'll just have to follow-up on these thoughts later.

[Els]

10 hours ago, mario_C said:

So I came to a moment of clarity. I know that I just don't deserve love or affection or closeness because I'm a loser. It's obvious.

But everyday I fight it. I work on making my life meaningful every day. Doesn't that count? Could I deserve somebody one day?

Yes of course you can turn things around, it's never too late. So, you don't currently have to pay rent... have you drawn up a budget to see where most of your money goes? Do you work full time? You could start saving for the rental deposit now (although 3 months at the start is really high - it's 1 month worth of bond and the first 1-2 weeks' rent, where I live).

[mario_C]

3 hours ago, Els said:

Yes of course you can turn things around, it's never too late. So, you don't currently have to pay rent... have you drawn up a budget to see where most of your money goes? Do you work full time? You could start saving for the rental deposit now (although 3 months at the start is really high - it's 1 month worth of bond and the first 1-2 weeks' rent, where I live).

I have a detailed spreadsheet! I've learned to save and to work towards these goals. It's always uphill, but I'll keep at it. What else am I gonna do?

[Alpacalia]

On 2/29/2024 at 4:58 PM, mario_C said:

So I came to a moment of clarity. I know that I just don't deserve love or affection or closeness because I'm a loser. It's obvious.

But everyday I fight it. I work on making my life meaningful every day. Doesn't that count? Could I deserve somebody one day?

Probably not. But if I give up I couldn't give on.

 I dictated this in my car in a parking lot so I'll just have to follow-up on these thoughts later.

Geeze. Way to be harsh on yourself. Why are you so convinced that you are a "loser"? Is it because you haven't achieved certain societal standards of success? Or because you have made mistakes or have flaws? Let's be clear: none of these things make you a "loser". Success and perfection are subjective and unattainable ideals. It's okay to not have everything together or to not fit into a certain mold.

And why do you think that effort and constantly working on yourself is not enough? Do you think that everyone who is in a happy, fulfilling relationship has it all figured out and never has to work on themselves? That's just not true. 

[Kassieee]

You should go to a 35 + club and go dancing.

Edited March 2 by SlimShadysWife