This one feels too much.

[WaywardSon]

Still here. The previous message was perhaps a bit premature, things were maybe slightly more tolerable at some point, but now I feel like in the beginning for no good reason at all.

 I feel closest to OK when I’m alone at home, go to bed early, wake up early, work, don’t drink a drop of alcohol, watch some sports or whatever, and run pretty boring routines. All socializing feels off, not only with strangers, but with friends and family,  like I suddenly feel awfully insecure. Already in real-time I struggle communicating and then later on I harbor regret over what I was saying earlier. The sense of rejection is so overwhelming; someone was once so interested in me and then when she had seen to the bottom of it, she decided that “nah, nothing much there after all”.

 

Edited July 8, 2024 by WaywardSon

[basil67]

7 hours ago, WaywardSon said:

The sense of rejection is so overwhelming; someone was once so interested in me and then when she had seen to the bottom of it, she decided that “nah, nothing much there after all”.

Kindly, this is the way of most breakups.  Things start out well and as we keep getting to know each other, we are either drawn further in or find less to work with.

Have you never experienced discovering that a woman you were dating/in a relationship with is not the one for you?

[WaywardSon]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

Kindly, this is the way of most breakups.  Things start out well and as we keep getting to know each other, we are either drawn further in or find less to work with.

Have you never experienced discovering that a woman you were dating/in a relationship with is not the one for you?

Well, not really no. I’ve broken up with some women after the first few weeks because I found them underwhelming and boring. I’ve broken up with some exes later on, but not because I suddenly started thinking they were in some way less substantial or whatever. There were combability issues and hurt and all that. This is something I connect to the discussions we had after that spiritual awakening, that I’m just one of the boring mundane folk. I can see that it’s connected to a pretty specific viewpoint, but still I haven’t been able to shake it off.

[basil67]

On 2/26/2024 at 12:41 AM, WaywardSon said:

she became cold and distant towards me, almost hostile. It had been discussed before that our dynamics, age difference etc. were likely connected to some unresolved issue with her father. She even openly admitted that she was now projecting her hatred towards me. In addition, she felt that the two of us could no longer connect, as I wasn’t spiritually aware the way she was.

I went back to the start for a refresh.  Yes, a spiritual awakening (be it of the woo woo kind or a religious kind) can drive a wedge between a couple if the other doesn't follow suit.  But all this projection of hatred towards you because of her dad?   Sorry, she's a nutcase and you're well rid of her.

You should have moved on when she started to become hostile towards you.

[WaywardSon]

20 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You should have moved on when she started to become hostile towards you.

She broke up out of the blue, told me her reasons, became hostile and started another relationship, all this within 2-3 weeks after which I moved out until she was out of the house. So I got out of the situation as fast as possible. We’ve been NC since then. Emotionally I haven’t really moved on obviously.

[basil67]

In your opening post, you said that you still love her to the bottom of your heart.   Given that time has passed and you've had plenty of opportunity to reflect on who she became, do you still love her that much?   If so, what is it about her new personality which you love?

[WaywardSon]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

In your opening post, you said that you still love her to the bottom of your heart.   Given that time has passed and you've had plenty of opportunity to reflect on who she became, do you still love her that much?   If so, what is it about her new personality which you love?

That’s always difficult to answer. I’ve tried to perceive her in a critical light, but then realize that even those character flaws were pretty lovable, and feel guilty. I loved the way she got excited about things, big and small. Ordinary life was like an adventure. The downside of that was that she wasn’t able to follow her plans through, and that all that excitement had a tendency to evaporate. I loved our conversations, because she was able to see things in context and be objective about her own actions.  Difficult to say really, loved her reactions to things and I myself felt loved. What she became was there only for such a short while, and I still have years’ worth of other hers to miss.  

Speaking of her being impulsive: She had quite an active on-line presence around all that new age stuff, but she went entirely quiet after our break-up. It’s possible it was just another short-term preoccupation, but if that was her reason for breaking up, that very reason should no longer apply. It doesn’t mean anything, but I’m left wondering about that as well.

[WaywardSon]

Now 6 months NC: Some podcast on break-ups was telling how it usually takes at least a full calendar year to get over a break-up because you have to first relive and experience the full yearly cycle of holidays and vacations without your significant other. I'm now on my summer vacation and I always knew it would be one of the toughest things, but it should be the last one of such challenges. Last autumn wasn't that good and the last truly happy days were ca. 1 year ago.

Not every day is as bad as it was 5 months ago but still have some bad ones every few days. If something positive has come out of it, there's some relief in not having any major life plans or goals now. For 20+ years it always felt that you had to aspire towards something, work and family life, and most importantly, a balance between the two. Suddenly all the past fears are gone, you take one day at a time and try to be content with that.

[WaywardSon]

I’ll be reaching the 1-year mark next week. Can’t really say things have changed much: I don’t feel like I ever moved from a certain phase to another. Some days I’m still sad, some days angry and some of the initial shock is still there as well. What made the heartbreak so difficult in the first place was the fact that I knew immediately that it wouldn’t be going anywhere anytime soon. Or that I had zero idea where to go from there. I still don’t. For that I can only blame myself as it was me who put all the eggs in the same basket. But I suppose that’s what people tend to do in their 40s to some degree? I don’t only mean going for a monogamous relationship, but concentrating on home and the “family life”.

Friendships and hobbies started feeling cosmetic at some point; there have been some half assed attempts to restore some of them but it’s easy to tell that that stuff is nostalgia and has no true significance in the now for any of us. I haven’t hence had much interest in any type of human interaction but still go to concerts, movies etc. and am interested in things at least. I have slight worry about how things will look going forward but fortunately I think people tend to get accustomed to the hermit lifestyle better as they age, due to some of the biological motivations dying out. Not talking about mating solely, I think there’s some biological developmental function to (male?)friendships as well. I mean sure, I'm focusing on things I myself enjoy but there's a part of my psyche that considers it a defeat.

Edited January 26 by WaywardSon

[Acacia98]

On 4/15/2024 at 11:04 AM, WaywardSon said:

 When I was younger, I often felt that either cosmos or God was giving me great things, lessons, gifts and whatever, or that I was myself able to manifest them. One way to explain the experience with mid-age crisis is that suddenly you feel like being forgotten and cut-off from all that. That it’s all just a monolog.

I have experienced this. It's possible that you no longer feel that way because you strayed from your path and have, instead, chosen to follow somebody else's path. It wouldn't hurt to try and see if that was the case and try to find your way back.

Also, it took me at least three years to start to get over my worst heartbreak. So I can understand the fact that you're still struggling.

May I make a suggestion? Could you consider taking up an activity like volunteering at an animal shelter or mentoring kids? Do something that puts you in contact with other people (and living creatures) in a nurturing role.