Shed a Lil light on this subj for me!!!!

[Just Me]

Here I go: Long story short. I was 18 and my bf was 19 when I moved in with him after graduating HS. We were together only 5 months when we found out I was pregnant. I had Kyra when is 19yo, found out I was pregnant again and had my son when I was 20yo. Our son past away from CDH (another story) after 45 min of birth. I was pregnant again at had Myah when I was 21 yo. I am now 23. Me and my bf have been together for almost 5yrs now and we have two beautiful girls (3yo and 1yo now). I want to be more then a girlfriend. He has a phobia of marriage due to really bad past relationships he watched his mom go through when he was a child. We have talked about it and he says that he can't say when but he isn't sayin never. Well, my dad is ill in the last 5 years I lost my mom. I really want my dad to walk me down the isle. Another thing is my religon, Im not the strictest with my religon but I do want to marry the father of my children and the love of my life in the eyes of God. Here's the situation I have put myself in and need help.

 

First, has marriage changed your relationship with your spouse for the better or worse?

 

Second, should I ask him to marry me?

 

Third, Im so confused!

[slubberdegullion]

I do want to marry the father of my children and the love of my life in the eyes of God.

If you're already involved in an exclusive relationship with him, then from what I understand (which, granted, may be incorrect, as I'm no biblical scholar) you're already married in the eyes of God.

First, has marriage changed your relationship with your spouse for the better or worse?

At the risk of incurring the wrath of the married folks here, I have never ever seen a relationship improve after marriage. If there's something that bugs you a little bit now about your potential mate, marriage will only magnify it by 100.

Second, should I ask him to marry me?

Why? Is it because you truly want to have the marriage document? Is it the glitz and glamour (and frightful expense) of the ceremony? The social acceptance? Specifically, what is your reasoning behind yearning for marriage?

Third, Im so confused!

Welcome to the club! We're all confuddled when it comes to relationships!

[glittergurl]

Hmmm, it's sad that he's letting his parents influence his decision. Honestly, the fact that his parents divorced should be an advantage for him to step into marriage, because he's more aware of possible problems that might come up in your relationship later, than someone who's witnessed perfect family bliss all their life. All it takes is the right approach, and a strong will to make it.

 

Anyway, I know a lot of people say that it's "just a piece of paper"; and I used to think the same. But after me and my husband got married, I don't know, maybe not the same day, but probably a few days later, I started feeling a stronger bound with my husband. I mean, just the fact that I can call him "my husband" gives me butterflies It also makes you realize that if something bad comes up in your relationship, you can't just give up and walk away. It gives you an extra reason to work it out, and solve problems. It creates more concrete goal for both of us, and that is: achieve a good marriage, until death do us part

 

And you have two children now; so what exactly are his arguments? If it's the fear of committing, well he needs to wake up and realize that commitment happened 3 years ago when you had your first baby with him.

 

I totally understand about your dad being sick and all; and you should really stress that next time you bring it up. Parents don't live forever, unfortunately, and it would suck if your boyfriend took that away from both you and your dad.

 

Also, I don't know if you should actually propose. I mean, just try to bring it up while having a romantic dinner or something. Bring it up as a normal conversation that can be discussed, let him say how he feels about it, etc. and discuss it openly withou any stress or pressure.

[Just Me]

Why? Is it because you truly want to have the marriage document? Is it the glitz and glamour (and frightful expense) of the ceremony? The social acceptance? Specifically, what is your reasoning behind yearning for marriage?

QUOTE]

 

Truthfully, to I guess a part of me wants it because of the social acceptance. I hear about my ex getting married, my best friend is married, a couple of people from work are getting married, and when people hear we have had three kids and have been together for 5 years almost the question it. I want to be able to say this is my husband and not boyfriend, I want us to be taken more seriously. I want to feel like we are seen as one and not two people living together. Not to mention it would be nice to have the same last name as my children! I want to feel like are relationship is at its peak and not in the middle, if that makes sense. Its kindda hard to explain the exact yearning it just this feeling. I think of us married and I think thats would make us a full set, the whole package, the real deal, etc.

 

I have always promised him that I would never give him the altumatim *however you spell it* to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me or Im leaving him right now. To me that sounds crazy, but what happens when he doesn't pop the question I feel like I can't be in a relationship that isn't going to the level I feel I need?

[Just Me]

...I know a lot of people say that it's "just a piece of paper"; and I used to think the same. But after me and my husband got married, I don't know, maybe not the same day, but probably a few days later, I started feeling a stronger bound with my husband. I mean, just the fact that I can call him "my husband" gives me butterflies It also makes you realize that if something bad comes up in your relationship, you can't just give up and walk away. It gives you an extra reason to work it out, and solve problems. It creates more concrete goal for both of us, and that is: achieve a good marriage, until death do us part

 

And you have two children now; so what exactly are his arguments? If it's the fear of committing, well he needs to wake up and realize that commitment happened 3 years ago when you had your first baby with him.

 

I totally understand about your dad being sick and all; and you should really stress that next time you bring it up. Parents don't live forever, unfortunately, and it would suck if your boyfriend took that away from both you and your dad.

 

Thank you...this really helps. You are so right about him needing to see that commitment happened three years ago. I feel bad for him in away because we were kids when we had our first daughter and he has had to do so much more growing up then I have. But he is an awesome father and a great boyfriend. Not many people understand the whole thing about me dad being ill so I feel that we don't have all the time in the world. Also, thanks for the insight on how you feel more bound with your husband. I feel that marriage will do that for us. Yes, we act like we are married and some people forget we aren't but it just doesn't feel the same. Its not about me wanting a ring...Im not a jewerly type anyways, I just want that feeling that you talked about. Thanks again.

[slubberdegullion]

OK, now we're getting somewhere. Social acceptance is a driving motivation for many choices one makes; nothing wrong with that.

 

The other issue that I can see is in regards to your family; wanting your dad to walk you down the aisle, etc. Again, there's nothing wrong with that. However, even given the significance of that event (which takes, oh, maybe a minute), is it about that feeling of being walked down the aisle, or is it about being married?

 

The sense I get is that it's both, but again, I may be wrong here.

 

btw... it's "ultimatum"

[littlekitty]

At the risk of incurring the wrath of the married folks here, I have never ever seen a relationship improve after marriage. If there's something that bugs you a little bit now about your potential mate, marriage will only magnify it by 100.

 

Slub, I'm really interested by this comment... without wishing to thread snatch, and since it seems related, could you expand on this for me?

 

[JayKay]

I am confused about your boyfriend's inability to 'committ' so to speak

 

He's already committed to making children. Isn't that the biggest committment one could make? What are his fears about marriage?

 

I'd sit down and talk to him about the relationship you are currently having and expand on why marriage is important to you.

 

I'd also do a lot of soul-searching; you shouldn't get married just to 'fit in'. You should really believe in your heart of hearts it's what you want for the good of your family.

[buzz]

Ask yourself a question. If you went to the courthouse and were married would that make it for you? Or is it the wedding event you desire so?

[Becoming]

Interesting thread. You can get Daddy to walk you down the aisle and introduce your bf as husband all you want but a ceremony and a piece of paper don't make it a marriage. Only commitment can do that, and what I hear you saying is that you want that commitment that he'll be there instead of bailing when things don't work for him anymore--like Glitter describes. He has a commitment now, but you want more. At the same time, you've already told him no ultimatums, so, frankly, why would he marry you? He's got all he wants right now at his comfort level. The problem is your comfort level has changed now that there are children involved. Have you discussed this with him? You want different things now, which is the way things work; people change all the time. So how're you two gonna work this out in a mutually acceptable way? We can offer observations, but it's up to you two to come up with something that's equally agreeable to both of you.