Mom of 4 thinking about another man and divorce. Thoughts on dating after divorce?

[Mistymountain35]

I’ve been in a relationship with a man for 13 years now. We have 4 beautiful children and look like a happy family, but I haven’t been happy in the relationship for many years. I’d rather not share all the details, but let’s just say if I did decide to end things, everyone in my family and his side of the family would understand. It wouldn’t come as a shock because they know the kind of person he is. The reason I’ve been thinking more about all this is because of this other guy I met. I put my 4 children into a new school this year and met a man at the beginning of the school year who is a single dad. I heard rumours his wife passed away a couple years ago, but don’t know that for sure. He has two kids and while I don’t know him that well at all, I’ve seen how he interacts with his kids and it’s just amazing! He’s definitely a hands on dad! He is also a tall, fit, beautiful man with the warmest smile…and I think he may be attracted to me? lol. He went out of his way to introduce himself once, and every time he sees me at the school, he will smile, and as we walk by each other, he will look all intensely into my eyes. I sometimes catch him glancing my way. I’m assuming that must mean something? Or maybe he is just really friendly? For context, even though I’ve had 4 kids, I’ve always been the type to take good care of my body, so I’m in good shape and would be considered “attractive” under today’s beauty standards. Anyway, I have been thinking more about my relationship with my husband lately because this other man seems to have a lot of the traits my current one doesn’t, so it’s got me feeling all sorts of things. I feel sort of bad thinking about this, but I can’t help it. If y’all knew what I’ve been through with my husband, I know you would probably be like “Why didn’t you end things years ago?” And the answer to that is…fear I guess. Fear of devastating him, the kids…fear of not being able to support myself and the kids financially without him. So I’m just looking to hear feedback from other single parents, who perhaps found love or didn’t after divorce, especially those parents who had 3+ kids! Even though I’m considered “attractive” and feel like I have a lot to offer in a relationship, I sometimes think, “Who would actually want to date a lady with 4 kids?”

Edited February 25 by Mistymountain35

[stillafool]

50 minutes ago, Mistymountain35 said:

I’ve been in a relationship with a man for 13 years now

 

50 minutes ago, Mistymountain35 said:

I have been thinking more about my relationship with my husband lately

Is he your boyfriend or your husband?  The majority of people who divorce, even with kids in tow, go on to have relationships and marry other people.

[Mistymountain35]

We aren’t married. Technically he is a common-law partner. I do refer to him as my husband though, just because it’s easier to say husband than “common-law partner.” Common-law is basically the same thing as being married, here in Canada. 

Edited February 25 by Mistymountain35

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Mistymountain35 said:

I sometimes think, “Who would actually want to date a lady with 4 kids?”

I think you’re putting the cart before the horse. Your own physical and mental health and the health of your kids should be your first concern. Whether someone will want to date you is pretty far down the list of priorities. If your husband is abusive it’s best for you and your kids to get out of that situation. 
 

As for that other guy, you don’t know him. You’re projecting a fantasy onto him to escape your reality. Focus on your reality first. Even if you were going to be single the rest of your life, is it still in your best interest and your kids best interest to leave your partner?

[Mistymountain35]

Yes, that’s true. I am aware that I’m projecting and don’t even know much about this guy. And yes, it is because I don’t want to face my current reality. My current partner is not what I’d call abusive, but he’s not a good father or partner. I feel like I have 5 children most of the time because he acts like a “man-child” for lack of a better term, and I’m exhausted. 

[Weezy1973]

4 minutes ago, Mistymountain35 said:

I feel like I have 5 children most of the time because he acts like a “man-child” for lack of a better term, and I’m exhausted. 

So this is the problem you need to focus on, not whether or not a single mom of 4 is dateable. Have you already done marriage counseling? Do you think your kids lives would be better if you got a divorce? Do you have enough help from family and friends to raise four kids on your own?

[Wiseman2]

It seems like your crush on this man has brought the bad marriage back to the surface. Maybe you've been on autopilot for the sake of the children, but this crush seems like a catalyst for addressing the underlying problems. 

[Gaeta]

Half the population is single so there are plenty of people to date for everyone. Someone with 4 kids is not everyone's cup of tea but you'll find plenty of men to date. 

If you are unhappy then leave. Expect to be single for a while and that finding a new partner can take 2-3 years of searching and lots of disappointments, game playing, ghosting. The first person you'll date will rarely be the one you'll stick with.

If l were you l would put my energy in fixing what you have now.

[d0nnivain]

If you want out, get out but not just because you met this other guy.  The other guy is not a meal ticket or a life plan.  If he didn't exist, if you never met him, would you still want out of your current situation?