How do you get used to the 'boring' part of the relationship?

[brokenbird]

Hi. The question itself is not the best to describe my thoughts, so please be a bit open instead of focusing on the "get used to" part.

A few months ago I was at a social gathering where we discussed the different aspects of a romantic relationship. There was a part where they mentioned a period of time where a relationship, which had some rocky roads in it, turns into a healthy, calm one. I did not really paid attention because my partner and I still walked that rocky road because of our past.

However, weeks have passed and I began to realized that all that hurt we caused each other really is in the past, because nothing concerning happens in the present. He truly has calmed down, became more responsible, and that tremendous amount of self-searching I have gone through changed me too. We can talk, our arguements last no more than 30 minutes, we take care of each other and things are fine. Im not saying that the past doesnt hurt me anymore, many people here know that I have OCD so I tend to ruminate, but in the NOW, all is fine. 

I had a horribly caotic childhood, many concerning friendships and emotionally draining lovelife, so this healthy thing is unusual to me. I want to talk to my therapist about this the next time I see her, but the next appointment is in about 20 days, so I want to educate myself until that comes around. I almost feel....bored ? No one has ever been stable in my life so this is completely impossible for me to comprehend. Do I get used to it ? How does this work ? Obviously I want this type of love, but I cant handle it yet.

[Weezy1973]

9 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

I almost feel....bored ?

Normal and healthy. Because you had a chaotic upbringing, chaos feels “normal” and that constant dose of adrenaline keeps you engaged. So consistency and stability will sometimes feel boring. 

 

12 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

Do I get used to it ? How does this work ?

Yes, you get used to it. Your relationship just becomes part of the fabric of your life and not a source of adrenaline or dopamine. You’re not constantly on the roller coaster. 

 

15 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

Obviously I want this type of love, but I cant handle it yet.

You can handle it, but it will definitely feel uncomfortable at first. Therapy is a good place to talk about it. You can even talk to your partner how it feels weird which he will probably understand given your background. 

[d0nnivain]

You were conditioned by your upbringing to think that chaos was normal because that was what you knew.  Calm / boring is more normal.   In modern times we have lost the ability to be quiet & still, to meditate, to be mindful, to be in the moment.  

I suggest you learn more about mindfulness & meditation.  When you learn to embrace the quiet & the still you will like it better & be less bored.  

[Wiseman2]

It's great things are calming down and you two are getting into a more comfortable contented phase.

As you know, manufacturing chaos is a form of power and control. (Google manufacturing chaos). 

It's a way to throw everyone off balance and be the only one who knows what's going on. Almost like controlling everyone with your own pupper show.

All you can do is continue therapy and continue exploring mistaking intensity with intimacy. 

[Alpacalia]

Perhaps you depend too heavily on the entertainment provided by others, rather than finding ways to entertain yourself.

Invest some time in yourself so that you are not reliant on others for amusement. If you have a thrill-seeking nature, try engaging in adventurous sports or activities that can also help you connect with like-minded individuals. If you crave a bustling social life, consider joining clubs or organizations related to your interests.

If you tend to become bored easily due to a need for constant mental stimulation, challenge yourself by learning new and challenging things.