Is there any coming back from this stupidity?

[uncanny]

Hey everyone,

Fed up with a dating app, I decided to give another one a go late Friday night despite its reputation for hook-ups, and not having had much luck in the past using it.

To my surprise, however, I got a bunch of likes immediately, and soon matched with this girl my age. We had a great convo for a good while. I got a lighthearted message from her the next morning apologizing as she had fallen asleep. What followed was some more chatting and flirting until I asked her out to which she said yes, just requesting what time and place. I proceeded to ask for her number, which she enthusiastically gave me

We then took to chatting on another app for the whole day with little breaks in between exchanging photos and voice messages. We seemed to be hitting it off great, even though meeting in person is obviously another thing. Anyway, I was home and it was quite late by then, and she replied to one of my messages with little engagement, to which I decided to let it be and just turn in.

She didn't message me the day after, so I decided to ask her out in the afternoon to get together the day after. She replied hours later that she'd love to but was working and could only do evenings. I didn't want to be rejected and hurt like I have many times in the past, so I didn't reply. Instead I impulsively deleted her number and unmatched her on the app. My thinking was if she was interested, she'd hit me up.

As you can predict, looking back I realize how deeply stupid doing this was. She was probably losing interest as I hadn't set up a date to get together. In fact, she stated on the dating app she only wanted people that were willing to meet up to match, likely having had bad experiences in the past I guess.

Bottom like, I didn't want to risk getting hurt, and now I realize I could have simply set up a time and place that worked instead of assuming things.

Now, the point of this all? Just need some opinions/advice.

She mentioned she had Instagram, so that's obviously the only way of getting ahold of her. I'm confident she would reply as she was very easy going and friendly, not to mention super keen on meeting up. She was just waiting for me to not beat around the bush and ask her out. I'm completely aware my reaction was disproportionate to her reply 

The thing is, how do I even come back from the stupid s*** I did? I'd genuinely like to get to know her more. 

 

Edited February 28 by uncanny
Spacing

[basil67]

 

21 minutes ago, uncanny said:

I'm confident she would reply as she was very easy going and friendly, not to mention super keen on meeting up.

I don't share your confidence.  She was easy going, friendly and keen before you blocked her.  Don't expect her to have the same attitude to you if you slide into her DMs

[uncanny]

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 

I don't share your confidence.  She was easy going, friendly and keen before you blocked her.  Don't expect her to have the same attitude to you if you slide into her DMs

I didn't block her. That's something I don't do. I deleted her number in hopes she'd be the one to show interest and unmatched her on the dating app. She can still message me 

Edited February 28 by uncanny

[Sony12]

I honestly wouldn't bother with this gal anylonger. She doesn't seem to have much interest in meeting. People acting really interested until the time comes where they have to start putting more effort into it is extremely common.

Generally when people legitimately want to meet they don't flake on you and start becoming distant when the prospect of meeting comes up.

Edited February 28 by Sony12

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, uncanny said:

I didn't block her. That's something I don't do. I deleted her number in hopes she'd be the one to show interest and unmatch her on the dating app. She can still message me 

From what you wrote:  You had a good connection, then were out of contact for a day or so.  Then you asked her out, she seemed keen to meet you and had given times when she was available, then you unmatched her. 

Yes she can still message you, but why would she do this after you'd unmatched her?  Perhaps I'm out of touch, but wouldn't she interpret your unmatching as you having ghosted her?

[uncanny]

11 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

I honestly wouldn't bother with this gal anylonger. She doesn't seem to have much interest in meeting. People acting really interested until the time comes where they have to start putting more effort into it is extremely common.

Generally when people legitimately want to meet they don't flake on you and start becoming distant when the prospect of meeting comes up.

She was definitely interested at first, but I hadn't set up a place and time. She did say she was free in the evenings, but my schizo mind interpreted as she put little effort. I should have simply said let's meet up in the evening

[uncanny]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

From what you wrote:  You had a good connection, then were out of contact for a day or so.  Then you asked her out, she seemed keen to meet you and had given times when she was available, then you unmatched her. 

Yes she can still message you, but why would she do this after you'd unmatched her?  Perhaps I'm out of touch, but wouldn't she interpret your unmatching as you having ghosted her?

I read her out of contact for a day as she was not interested when in reality it's likely she was tired of waiting for me to ask her out. That was on a Sunday and she was waiting since Saturday for me to settle it. The lack of reaching out for the day plus taking hours to reply (a first) frustrated me and lead me to do that. 

I think ghosting her would have been blocking her. I do think she could have sent me a message by now saying Hi or whatever. She could have given it the benefit of the doubt and thought I'd deleted my dating app account. Again, no message no nothing after a good connection? 

 

[uncanny]

Also, I do feel terrible about this, as I know how flaky people can be and how being ghosted sucks. She seemed like a genuinely nice person that wanted to meet up and hopefully meet someone good. I definitely didn't unmatch her cause I wasn't interested. Ironically I did so because I was too interested.

I do want to apologize even if I'm turned down. I'm aware it's just a match, but we're still people and I wouldn't like someone doing that to me. 

[basil67]

It wouldn't hurt to send an apology and perhaps an explanation.   At this point, you've got nothing to lose

[uncanny]

23 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It wouldn't hurt to send an apology and perhaps an explanation.   At this point, you've got nothing to lose

Nothing to lose, that's exactly what I thought. Man do I feel like such a jerk. Hopefully she does see I'm not one and was actually interested in meeting up 

[basil67]

Let us know how it goes  

[uncanny]

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Let us know how it goes  

Brace for impact

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, uncanny said:

She could have given it the benefit of the doubt and thought I'd deleted my dating app account. Again, no message no nothing after a good connection? 

Er, no. Most women with their dignity intact would not try to message a guy who has randomly umatched them. Why should she? If you had a good connection, you shouldn't have unmatched her to begin with. 

Your thinking is off there, man. 

Anyway, you can try reaching out. She might be responsive, she might not. You won't know until you try. 

[uncanny]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Er, no. Most women with their dignity intact would not try to message a guy who has randomly umatched them. Why should she? If you had a good connection, you shouldn't have unmatched her to begin with. 

Your thinking is off there, man. 

Anyway, you can try reaching out. She might be responsive, she might not. You won't know until you try. 

Because I think if she was truly interested she would have thought I deleted my account. Or she would have simply asked about it. Again, it is confusing why she didn't send me a single message the day after 

[ExpatInItaly]

It's not confusing. 

She evidently has self-respect and isn't going to chase after the guy who just unmatched her. Until you wrap your head around this, you are going to have a hard time dating. It comes across as quite entiteld on your part. 

 

[uncanny]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It's not confusing. 

She evidently has self-respect and isn't going to chase after the guy who just unmatched her. Until you wrap your head around this, you are going to have a hard time dating. It comes across as quite entiteld on your part. 

 

It's not like people who date are perfect. Far from it, I'd say. Everyone makes mistakes. People ghost and do bad s*** all the time with bs justification. Im saying it could have been a possibility Id deleted my account

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, I understand what you are saying. 

But you need to understand that most women are not going to chase after you and try to see your point of view when you randomly vanish. 

[uncanny]

13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, I understand what you are saying. 

But you need to understand that most women are not going to chase after you and try to see your point of view when you randomly vanish. 

I'm aware, but I didn't vanish. She knows I didn't block her. We weren't speaking on the dating app anymore. She knows I'm on the chat app 

[d0nnivain]

You are butt hurt because a woman you don't know & haven't met wouldn't take a day off from work to meet you -- a stranger -- for a 1st meet / date.  Are you kidding?  She wasn't rejecting you.  She was giving you a time to meet that was convenient for her.  People have jobs & your failure to recognize that was ridiculous.   You then acted like a petulant child & unmatched sending the clear message that you were rejecting her.  

The idea that you can even get deeply & paralyzingly hurt from somebody you don't know & have never met is deeply flawed.  You have to develop a much thicker skin if you are going to try on line dating / apps.  Your attitude must be that nothing matters & it's all a big fantasy until you actually meet in person. 

Since you still have a way to contact her you MIGHT be able to salvage this by offering another evening date.  You really can't expect her to miss work for you just because you have an unconventional schedule & are available during the day.  Any date -- whether a 1st or a wedding anniversary -- has to be at a mutually convenient time. 

In her shoes I would write you off as a time wasting flake who doesn't know his own mind.  I'm not optimistic that you can salvage this after you trashed it.  

[Weezy1973]

4 hours ago, uncanny said:

She did say she was free in the evenings, but my schizo mind interpreted as she put little effort.

If you’re prone to this type of thinking with a veritable stranger, I’d hate to see what your brain does with someone you actually know and like. This is something you need to work on. 
 

That being said, you dropped the ball when you asked her out, she said what time and place, and then you asked for her number, and didn’t proceed with suggestions for a time and place. And then her interest started to fade. How hard is it to actually ask someone out on a date with a time and place? 
 

I’m afraid that she has lost interest and has probably moved on and is chatting and perhaps setting up dates with some other guys. You could try to reconnect and apologize. But if she’s not receptive, then really just move on. Lesson learned.
 

 

[uncanny]

11 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You are butt hurt because a woman you don't know & haven't met wouldn't take a day off from work to meet you -- a stranger -- for a 1st meet / date.  Are you kidding?  She wasn't rejecting you.  She was giving you a time to meet that was convenient for her.  People have jobs & your failure to recognize that was ridiculous.   You then acted like a petulant child & unmatched sending the clear message that you were rejecting her.  

The idea that you can even get deeply & paralyzingly hurt from somebody you don't know & have never met is deeply flawed.  You have to develop a much thicker skin if you are going to try on line dating / apps.  Your attitude must be that nothing matters & it's all a big fantasy until you actually meet in person. 

Since you still have a way to contact her you MIGHT be able to salvage this by offering another evening date.  You really can't expect her to miss work for you just because you have an unconventional schedule & are available during the day.  Any date -- whether a 1st or a wedding anniversary -- has to be at a mutually convenient time. 

In her shoes I would write you off as a time wasting flake who doesn't know his own mind.  I'm not optimistic that you can salvage this after you trashed it.  

I've already said I didn't act the best way, so being a wanker about it and calling me names is unnecessary. I am sure there are areas in your life anyone could pick on to chastise you too.

Anyway, you misunderstood. I am not "butthurt" because she didn't take a day off work, what the heck? I have a job and responsibilities myself. So does everyone. If you read my replies you'll see I reacted that way because she went a whole day without sending a single message. No one is busy enough to not be able to pick up their phone for one min and you know it. Especially not on a Sunday. If I hadn't asked her out it is unlikely she would have sent me a message. That in itself was disappointing, yes

Again, be nice 

Edited February 28 by uncanny

[uncanny]

11 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

If you’re prone to this type of thinking with a veritable stranger, I’d hate to see what your brain does with someone you actually know and like. This is something you need to work on. 
 

That being said, you dropped the ball when you asked her out, she said what time and place, and then you asked for her number, and didn’t proceed with suggestions for a time and place. And then her interest started to fade. How hard is it to actually ask someone out on a date with a time and place? 
 

I’m afraid that she has lost interest and has probably moved on and is chatting and perhaps setting up dates with some other guys. You could try to reconnect and apologize. But if she’s not receptive, then really just move on. Lesson learned.
 

 

I agree 100%

My hope is she also felt a connection which is not that common. Anyone can set up dates with anyone

[Weezy1973]

11 minutes ago, uncanny said:

My hope is she also felt a connection which is not that common.

Nothing before you meet up in person means anything until you actually meet up in person. Feeling a “connection” through texting isn’t real. And as you can see, can fade fast. 

[uncanny]

2 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Nothing before you meet up in person means anything until you actually meet up in person. Feeling a “connection” through texting isn’t real. And as you can see, can fade fast. 

I'm aware. But it's better to see you've things in common, otherwise we'd be setting up dates with anyone regardless of anything 

[d0nnivain]

5 hours ago, uncanny said:

She didn't message me the day after, so I decided to ask her out in the afternoon to get together the day after. She replied hours later that she'd love to but was working and could only do evenings. I didn't want to be rejected and hurt like I have many times in the past, so I didn't reply. Instead I impulsively deleted her number and unmatched her on the app. My thinking was if she was interested, she'd hit me up.

 

 

8 minutes ago, uncanny said:

Anyway, you misunderstood. I am not "butthurt" because she didn't take a day off work, what the heck? I have a job and responsibilities myself. So does everyone. If you read my replies you'll see I reacted that way because she went a whole day without sending a single message. No one is busy enough to not be able to pick up their phone for one min and you know it. Especially not on a Sunday. If I hadn't asked her out it is unlikely she would have sent me a message. That in itself was disappointing, yes

On line is not for the faint of heart.  I found it horribly demoralizing  & only did it for 90 days.  I will never do it again because it made me nuts. 

Anyway, re-read the quite from your initial post.  She said no to a day time date & you stopped talking to her.  You flaked / ghosted 1st.  Now you are upset that she didn't chase.  Your expectation is unrealistic.   As a woman she's not going to chase ever.  Women are socialized to not chase.  When you stopped talking she stopped too.  She mirrored your energy / effort. 

Expecting daily communication or even prompt responses from somebody you haven't met yet is also unrealistic.  Everyvody is busy & chatting is a low priority activity even for somebody who wants to make a connection. The people at the other end of the device are still not real; they are strangers.  I came of age when you had a phone call & then you waited for 3-4 DAYS for the next contact.  This daily stuff seems too intense too soon for me so I never understand why people get so upset when they aren't getting instant responses.  Yes technology offers the ability but IMO decorum mandates something slower.  

If you still want to meet her, reach out.  If you aren't going to take the laboring oar, this will never move forward because she has concluded that you are uninterested.  No matter what you write here, none of that is being communicated to her.  All she knows is you unmatched.  She has no idea why.  You want her to chase you but every other social convention tells her not to do that. You are swimming upstream here.