Is there any coming back from this stupidity?

[uncanny]

15 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I admit that I've chased guys in my time, but I'm not the average woman and in general I have to echo the idea that women are taught to not chase.  She was simply waiting for you to contact her to discuss an evening date.

However, I'm wondering why you didn't firm up a date when she told you that she could do evenings.  You could have said "I can work with that.  How's Friday night work for you?"

Right on. That hasn't changed even in 2024. Women do not chase. It's the guy who has to do that. If he doesn't, he's pretty much screwed unless he's exceptionally attractive.

Good question. Short answer is because I was an idiot. Long one is because I interpreted her not saying we could get together as not being interested. I knew she was gonna be busy that day. I just expected her saying But we could still do something etc. 

I did act entitled when I could have simply said let's do it in the evening then. The problem is she could have turned me down and that would have been a big bummer 

[Alpacalia]

22 minutes ago, uncanny said:

I didn't get the part about the way I replied to her. Can you elaborate? I never replied to her

Reply meaning response. Your reaction. Which, was just bailing.  

[uncanny]

Well, guys, my assumption was correct so don't know where that places me

She basically gave a bs reply saying she thought I was busy and that she didn't think anything was wrong 

Edited February 29, 2024 by uncanny

[basil67]

2 hours ago, uncanny said:

Right on. That hasn't changed even in 2024. Women do not chase. It's the guy who has to do that. If he doesn't, he's pretty much screwed unless he's exceptionally attractive.

Given the number of unattractive men in relationships, it sounds like this doesn't hold anyone much back

53 minutes ago, uncanny said:

Well, guys, my assumption was correct so don't know where that places me

She basically gave a bs reply saying she thought I was busy and that she didn't think anything was wrong 

Dude, have you been ignoring all our posts?  Everyone told you that she was waiting for you to make contact with a date and this is exactly what she said.    Why even bother with a thread if instead of learning, you write it all off as BS?   If you refuse to accept her truth, you'll never learn...and you'll continue to fail

 

Edited February 29, 2024 by basil67

[uncanny]

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Given the number of unattractive men in relationships, it sounds like this doesn't hold anyone much back

Dude, have you been ignoring all our posts?  Everyone told you that she was waiting for you to make contact with a date and this is exactly what she said.    Why even bother with a thread if instead of learning, you write it all off as BS?   If you refuse to accept her truth, you'll never learn...and you'll continue to fail

 

I haven't ignored all the posts. In fact, Ive read them more than once.

Be real, though. Who the heck is busy 72hs that they can't even take 30sec of their day to send a reply? She didn't think I was busy. That in itself is, indeed, bs. She lost interest for whatever reason as someone said, and that's fine. At least I'd read the scenario correctly 

 

[uncanny]

59 minutes ago, uncanny said:

I haven't ignored all the posts. In fact, Ive read them more than once.

Be real, though. Who the heck is busy 72hs that they can't even take 30sec of their day to send a reply? She didn't think I was busy. That in itself is, indeed, bs. She lost interest for whatever reason as someone said, and that's fine. At least I'd read the scenario correctly 

 

Update: we're meeting up. I'm a bit sceptical she took it so well, but will try to keep it cool and stay collected 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, uncanny said:

At least I'd read the scenario correctly 

Except you didn't:

1 hour ago, uncanny said:

Update: we're meeting up

If she had lost interest in you, she wouldn't be meeting you. Try not to stand in your own way so much, man. You assume way too much. Go into this meet-up relaxed and be yourself. 

[Wiseman2]

She gave you the heads up that she was busy, so it's unclear why you were expecting that she should engage in banter or see you anyway.

"I knew she was gonna be busy that day. I just expected her saying But we could still do something etc." 

[uncanny]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Except you didn't:

If she had lost interest in you, she wouldn't be meeting you. Try not to stand in your own way so much, man. You assume way too much. Go into this meet-up relaxed and be yourself. 

We'll see. First I have to see if she will actually show up 

[FredEire]

Why assume so many negatives? Judge her actions not something you are projecting on to her. If she wants to meet up with you she must have some level of interest. Don't reject her on her behalf pre-emptively. Just go with the flow and practice non-judgement, and accept you are obviously insecure due to past bad experiences.

I'd also add when you go on your date don't perceive every little comment or awkward moment as some sort of slight or lack of interest. You're likely to both be nervous, cut her some slack and just go with it.

Edited February 29, 2024 by FredEire

[uncanny]

59 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Why assume so many negatives? Judge her actions not something you are projecting on to her. If she wants to meet up with you she must have some level of interest. Don't reject her on her behalf pre-emptively. Just go with the flow and practice non-judgement, and accept you are obviously insecure due to past bad experiences.

I'd also add when you go on your date don't perceive every little comment or awkward moment as some sort of slight or lack of interest. You're likely to both be nervous, cut her some slack and just go with it.

I get what you're saying. But one thing is for sure and that is she never bothered to check on the potential date for days. I'll go if she doesn't bail but not sure how well it bodes 

[FredEire]

13 minutes ago, uncanny said:

I get what you're saying. But one thing is for sure and that is she never bothered to check on the potential date for days. I'll go if she doesn't bail but not sure how well it bodes 

You have to give people the benefit of the doubt. She wants to meet up even after you blocked and deleted her, so you had a positive result in the end.

There could be a number of reasons she didn't check on the date. You don't know her at all, why not go on the date and find out what she's like in person instead of pre-judging her?

You obviously liked her if you felt motivated to come here and post about it. Why are you talking her down before you've even gone on a date?

[Weezy1973]

38 minutes ago, uncanny said:

I get what you're saying. But one thing is for sure and that is she never bothered to check on the potential date for days. I'll go if she doesn't bail but not sure how well it bodes 

Your negativity is a defense mechanism. Is to try to protect yourself from rejection. Unfortunately it often becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. You’re so certain you’ll be rejected that you behave in ways that are unappealing to protect yourself from getting hurt and end up getting rejected. It’s a pretty tough loop to get out of.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, uncanny said:

I get what you're saying. But one thing is for sure and that is she never bothered to check on the potential date for days. I'll go if she doesn't bail but not sure how well it bodes 

If she meets you and it goes well, then awesome! You got a second chance to make a good impression and maybe it'll turn into something more.

And if she does bail you'll be just fine without her company. So go and see what happens. No one who bails when meeting for the first time is worth stressing over.

[FredEire]

37 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Your negativity is a defense mechanism. Is to try to protect yourself from rejection. Unfortunately it often becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. You’re so certain you’ll be rejected that you behave in ways that are unappealing to protect yourself from getting hurt and end up getting rejected. It’s a pretty tough loop to get out of.

Yeah.

I think what you need to do here is just be conscious that what you're doing right now is trying to sabotage your chances with this girl as self-protection. Realise it, breath through it, and you reduce the chance that it affects you.

[Versacehottie]

On 2/28/2024 at 2:00 AM, uncanny said:

My hope is she also felt a connection which is not that common. Anyone can set up dates with anyone

sort of...except just being real...you can't manage your emotions through knee jerk reactions when the stakes are low such as you haven't gone on the first date yet, have only had good conversation and are just trying to figure out logistics...your reaction was butt hurt and childish/self-centered. That in itself is a red flag. You can try because an apology never hurts, especially if it's growth for yourself but I don't think a girl that puts the sort of parameters directly on her profile (vs a more easygoing one) is the sort that will give you another chance. 

FYI, block or unmatch...i think you are quibbling over something that is considered virtually the same. It's not a good look and puts someone on the defense. It's more than a "mistake". Try to get to the point where you can regulate your emotions and manage your impulses...that will serve you better in dating. (especially when it is just about you feeling insecure!)...I would almost guarantee this is pattern that follows you around...which is exactly what I'd be considering if I was considering giving you another chance. I'd think "wow this guy seems impulsive, insecure and has knee jerk reactions, do I want to deal with this? It seems like it might set up an unstable relationship" Also it exposes your insecurity which isn't attractive at all. BTW you are being defensive here with people who are giving you advice--so again, it does seem like you approach most things like that. Good luck

[FredEire]

7 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

sort of...except just being real...you can't manage your emotions through knee jerk reactions when the stakes are low such as you haven't gone on the first date yet, have only had good conversation and are just trying to figure out logistics...your reaction was butt hurt and childish/self-centered. That in itself is a red flag. You can try because an apology never hurts, especially if it's growth for yourself but I don't think a girl that puts the sort of parameters directly on her profile (vs a more easygoing one) is the sort that will give you another chance. 

FYI, block or unmatch...i think you are quibbling over something that is considered virtually the same. It's not a good look and puts someone on the defense. It's more than a "mistake". Try to get to the point where you can regulate your emotions and manage your impulses...that will serve you better in dating. (especially when it is just about you feeling insecure!)...I would almost guarantee this is pattern that follows you around...which is exactly what I'd be considering if I was considering giving you another chance. I'd think "wow this guy seems impulsive, insecure and has knee jerk reactions, do I want to deal with this? It seems like it might set up an unstable relationship" Also it exposes your insecurity which isn't attractive at all. BTW you are being defensive here with people who are giving you advice--so again, it does seem like you approach most things like that. Good luck

Yeah I wouldn't blame her for thinking this. As in in her shoes, "if he's blocking and deleting me because he likes me and he's nervous about it, what would he do if we got into an argument? Key my car? Cut holes in my clothes?"

You may want to try and figure out when you have these reactions how much of it is really about her and how much of it is about your relationship with yourself. That way if you get into a relationship you can be better able to keep your responses to difficulties appropriate to the situation.

Speaking as someone who struggles with self-esteem, it seems to create one of two reactions - being overly distant and inaccessible or overly clingy and nervous jumping to conclusions about every time the person you're seeing doesn't respond for a couple of hours.

In my previous relationship I was definitely the first one, I didn't communicate enough with my partner, but over time when I'd go to a dinner with my friends and wasn't looking at my phone I'd discover a string of messages from my girlfriend asking why I'd left her on read.

The effect was I felt even more pushed away and dreaded conversations due to the reaction I was likely to get, and she felt more and more ignored and pushed away.

It's a "good" fit in the sense that it's two complimentary insecurities, but you don't want to start off that way. I think the only way to fix it is to recognise your behaviours and figure out why you tend to react that way, communicate openly and adjust based on the reality of the situation.

As for this date though I'd say just start from square one, forget any of this drama and meet her with an open mind putting your insecurities and judgements aside.

 

[Alpacalia]

11 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Yeah I wouldn't blame her for thinking this. As in in her shoes, "if he's blocking and deleting me because he likes me and he's nervous about it, what would he do if we got into an argument? Key my car? Cut holes in my clothes?"

Can't speak on behalf of this woman but that's not what I'd be thinking AT ALL.

I'd be thinking he is someone that has such a low capacity to manage his emotions that deleting everything was easier than simply replying (let alone at least planning to meet up).  That he wasn't someone I could depend on in a bad situation because you think so lowly of yourself (sorry, just being honest and since you seem aware that your reaction to these situations is irrational, might as well break it down so there's no delusions of winning her back with a romantic gesture, you *cannot* genuinely say that about someone you deleted the phone number of because you were "scared").

There are many many people that are emotionally stable, levelheaded and know how to treat others well that are dating- there's literally no excuse for not being one of them.

It sounds like you have your own issues to work on before getting into dating. If you're deleting/blocking when people try to make a date, it's very much looking like insecurity or immaturity.

That's not attractive or desirable or something that makes someone say 'wow, I want to go out with him again'. If you have fears of being hurt in dating, you are not alone, but your way of trying to avoid being hurt has the biggest potential to hurt people. It reads controlling and dramatic.

Edited February 29, 2024 by Alpacalia

[uncanny]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Can't speak on behalf of this woman but that's not what I'd be thinking AT ALL.

I'd be thinking he is someone that has such a low capacity to manage his emotions that deleting everything was easier than simply replying (let alone at least planning to meet up).  That he wasn't someone I could depend on in a bad situation because you think so lowly of yourself (sorry, just being honest and since you seem aware that your reaction to these situations is irrational, might as well break it down so there's no delusions of winning her back with a romantic gesture, you *cannot* genuinely say that about someone you deleted the phone number of because you were "scared").

There are many many people that are emotionally stable, levelheaded and know how to treat others well that are dating- there's literally no excuse for not being one of them.

It sounds like you have your own issues to work on before getting into dating. If you're deleting/blocking when people try to make a date, it's very much looking like insecurity or immaturity.

That's not attractive or desirable or something that makes someone say 'wow, I want to go out with him again'. If you have fears of being hurt in dating, you are not alone, but your way of trying to avoid being hurt has the biggest potential to hurt people. It reads controlling and dramatic.

Cause online dating is ridden with emotionally stable and available people, right? Everyone has things they need to work on, things that are not attractive. I'm sure you have your own without realising it. And that's fine. At least I try to make amends and revert my mistake instead of treating people like s*** with no remorse as is usually the case. I'm not perfect and neither are you, but I have a lot to offer despite these visible shortcomings. I'm really not sure there "many, many" levelheaded people as you claim. Assuming someone couldn't depend on me cause of what I said is ironic considering if there is one thing I am is dependable. 

[uncanny]

2 hours ago, FredEire said:

Yeah I wouldn't blame her for thinking this. As in in her shoes, "if he's blocking and deleting me because he likes me and he's nervous about it, what would he do if we got into an argument? Key my car? Cut holes in my clothes?"

You may want to try and figure out when you have these reactions how much of it is really about her and how much of it is about your relationship with yourself. That way if you get into a relationship you can be better able to keep your responses to difficulties appropriate to the situation.

Speaking as someone who struggles with self-esteem, it seems to create one of two reactions - being overly distant and inaccessible or overly clingy and nervous jumping to conclusions about every time the person you're seeing doesn't respond for a couple of hours.

In my previous relationship I was definitely the first one, I didn't communicate enough with my partner, but over time when I'd go to a dinner with my friends and wasn't looking at my phone I'd discover a string of messages from my girlfriend asking why I'd left her on read.

The effect was I felt even more pushed away and dreaded conversations due to the reaction I was likely to get, and she felt more and more ignored and pushed away.

It's a "good" fit in the sense that it's two complimentary insecurities, but you don't want to start off that way. I think the only way to fix it is to recognise your behaviours and figure out why you tend to react that way, communicate openly and adjust based on the reality of the situation.

As for this date though I'd say just start from square one, forget any of this drama and meet her with an open mind putting your insecurities and judgements aside.

 

Thanks. Indeed that's exactly what I'd think in her shoes. Not gonna lie. Ultimately, though, only I know I'd never do something remotely close to the things stated. I'll try to chill out and keep an open mind

Edited February 29, 2024 by uncanny

[FredEire]

5 minutes ago, uncanny said:

Cause online dating is ridden with emotionally stable and available people, right? Everyone has things they need to work on, things that are not attractive. I'm sure you have your own without realising it. And that's fine. At least I try to make amends and revert my mistake instead of treating people like s*** with no remorse as is usually the case. I'm not perfect and neither are you, but I have a lot to offer despite these visible shortcomings. I'm really not sure there "many, many" levelheaded people as you claim. Assuming someone couldn't depend on me cause of what I said is ironic considering if there is one thing I am is dependable. 

No, people are far from perfect as you say. But what has any of that got to do with what Alpacalia said or your current dating situation?

You clearly have some anger over past relationships/encounters. You've got to deal with that and realise every situation is individual. Don't internalise it and let it push everyone away from you who might stand a chance of getting closer.

[Alpacalia]

9 minutes ago, uncanny said:

Cause online dating is ridden with emotionally stable and available people, right? Everyone has things they need to work on, things that are not attractive. I'm sure you have your own without realising it. And that's fine. At least I try to make amends and revert my mistake instead of treating people like s*** with no remorse as is usually the case. I'm not perfect and neither are you, but I have a lot to offer despite these visible shortcomings. I'm really not sure there "many, many" levelheaded people as you claim. Assuming someone couldn't depend on me cause of what I said is ironic considering if there is one thing I am is dependable. 

That's rich considering the action to simply ignore and delete her. What exactly have you done to solve any glaring flaws about you in your life, other than being passive aggressive.

It was not fair for you to delete her number and unmatch her without giving her a chance to explain her busy schedule. This was a knee-jerk reaction based on your fear of getting hurt, but it ultimately hurt the other person.

So please save all of this hurtful, judgmental and holier-than-thou attitude towards someone else, and take some time to reflect on your own mistakes and flaws and how you can handle them better in the future.

[uncanny]

5 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

That's rich considering the action to simply ignore and delete her. What exactly have you done to solve any glaring flaws about you in your life, other than being passive aggressive.

It was not fair for you to delete her number and unmatch her without giving her a chance to explain her busy schedule. This was a knee-jerk reaction based on your fear of getting hurt, but it ultimately hurt the other person.

So please save all of this hurtful, judgmental and holier-than-thou attitude towards someone else, and take some time to reflect on your own mistakes and flaws and how you can handle them better in the future.

It was indeed not fair and I not only reflected on it, but also apologized, which that in itself says something. I'm not gonna dwell on this for ages. I'm not being passive aggressive. In fact, I'm being quite direct. I owned up to everything you said

[Alpacalia]

45 minutes ago, uncanny said:

It was indeed not fair and I not only reflected on it, but also apologized, which that in itself says something. I'm not gonna dwell on this for ages. I'm not being passive aggressive. In fact, I'm being quite direct. I owned up to everything you said

Well that's good but please try to avoid going into with the mentality that online dating is filled with emotionally unstable and unavailable people as a means to justify your behavior. This woman did not do anything to deserve being deleted and unmatched without explanation or a chance to explain and that behavior is not fair to someone who is showing a genuine interest in getting to know you.

Get to know people, give them a chance and if it doesn't work out then move on. Don't let past experiences dictate your present and future actions.

Best of luck to you!

[basil67]

9 hours ago, uncanny said:

I get what you're saying. But one thing is for sure and that is she never bothered to check on the potential date for days. I'll go if she doesn't bail but not sure how well it bodes 

And you're still ignoring all the advice you've been given about how women aren't socialised to chase.  Her letting you take the lead in setting up the date isn't about her not bothering, it's about her figuring out how keen you really are.

Given that you're still so mistrusting of her motives, I think that you're doing the wrong thing by going on a date with her.  Leave her free for men who are happy to lead