Author uncanny Posted March 1 Author Share Posted March 1 (edited) Yeah, you guys call me paranoid or controlling, but that I'll be there anyway just screams We can meet while we're at it and I'll be doing something else anyway I won't bail but I've a bad feeling about all this. I'll keep you updated Edited March 1 by uncanny Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted March 1 Share Posted March 1 1 minute ago, uncanny said: Yeah, you guys call me paranoid or controlling, but that I'll be there anyway just screams We can meet while we're at it and I'll be doing something else anyway I won't bail but I've a bad feeling about all this. I'll keep you updated Maybe it means she's there anyway because she was working/doing some shopping so it's an easy/convenient place to meet? That's what it strikes me as. Don't overthink it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author uncanny Posted March 1 Author Share Posted March 1 (edited) 4 minutes ago, FredEire said: Maybe it means she's there anyway because she was working/doing some shopping so it's an easy/convenient place to meet? That's what it strikes me as. Don't overthink it. She's meeting a friend. That's why she said she'd be free at that particular time and place Edited March 1 by uncanny Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted March 1 Share Posted March 1 17 minutes ago, uncanny said: She's meeting a friend. That's why she said she'd be free at that particular time and place Yeah again really normal. It's a first date, don't expect her to reserve her entire day in anticipation. All you're doing is initially getting to know each other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 1 Share Posted March 1 2 hours ago, uncanny said: Not sure what to do as she doesn't seem that excited about the date. Even asked what I had in mind. She'd said she'd be somewhere but would be free that evening when I asked her out, and when I set a time she replied I'll be there anyway. How do you even respond to this? You respond enthusiastically along the lines of great it's serendipity. When you picked the location you had no idea she's already be there. So to me that is karma or the universe lining things up for you. 2 hours ago, uncanny said: Good question. I don't know. I read it as showing low interest and trying to make me take the hint. I suggested a bar near the area, yes You are misreading it. I see it as a positive. Re-read my answer above. She's not going to be over the moon. It's a 1st meet. Caution is required. As a woman some where in her mind she is also concerned about safety. She doesn't know you & has to account for the possibility that somebody she may meet may be a bad actor. That doesn't lend itself to high enthusiasm. Like you she may have been at this a while & may be discouraged by prior bad experiences. Still you both have to look at everybody optimistically with fresh eyes. As for paying. . . going Dutch on a 1st date is fine but there is something magical about being treated. Offering to buy her a drink is a nice gesture. Equally does indicate that if you two will be having two drinks she should get the 2nd round to treat you. Part fo dating is for each person to make the other feel special. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author uncanny Posted March 1 Author Share Posted March 1 28 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: You respond enthusiastically along the lines of great it's serendipity. When you picked the location you had no idea she's already be there. So to me that is karma or the universe lining things up for you. You are misreading it. I see it as a positive. Re-read my answer above. She's not going to be over the moon. It's a 1st meet. Caution is required. As a woman some where in her mind she is also concerned about safety. She doesn't know you & has to account for the possibility that somebody she may meet may be a bad actor. That doesn't lend itself to high enthusiasm. Like you she may have been at this a while & may be discouraged by prior bad experiences. Still you both have to look at everybody optimistically with fresh eyes. As for paying. . . going Dutch on a 1st date is fine but there is something magical about being treated. Offering to buy her a drink is a nice gesture. Equally does indicate that if you two will be having two drinks she should get the 2nd round to treat you. Part fo dating is for each person to make the other feel special. Thanks for all that. However, I did know she'd be there as she stated it before, so that puts things in a different perspective Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 1 Share Posted March 1 OK. If you knew she'd be there that shows you are kind & thoughtful. You are making it easier for her. Even if it's not a love match with her, you will be out & about that night. Maybe you will meet somebody else. Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted March 1 Share Posted March 1 10 hours ago, uncanny said: Equality after all isn't it? It isn’t really. Men pursue women in much larger numbers than the other way around. Like I said 95% men send first messages to women with online dating. I suspect cold approaches are even more skewed towards men approaching women. The best defense against spending too much is to just choose a cheap first meet. A drink, a coffee etc. If the first meet up / date is a dud (and most will be duds) it will be short anyways. If it’s a good date and goes long, you might pay for a few drinks. If you just weave it into your expectations, so you’re not upset to pay, then her offering or even insisting to pay could be a nice surprise for you. It seems to me that due to your bad previous experiences, you’re now sabotaging your chances for things to go well. Which will create more bad experiences and that negative feedback loop will continue. Unless of course you willfully change your mindset, which you seem to be trying to do in this thread (which is great!). And like you said, it’s hard. But it will be worth it - not that you’ll find your perfect match. But hopefully dating won’t be so painful and you’ll even enjoy yourself, including when the dates a dud. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 1 Share Posted March 1 Seems really indifferent to say "I'll be here with friends, show up if you feel like it". Maybe it's just a way to see each other in person but hardly a date. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 1 Share Posted March 1 It's not a date per se. It's a 1st meet off the internet. That is a different animal altogether Back in the day it was common in my circle to inform somebody that you met & liked but weren't dating yet that I'll be at XYZ club on Friday. It was a signal of interest but it wasn't a date. You were there with your friends. They showed up with their friends. No pressure. If you found each other in the crowd maybe you go in a dance or two. If that went well you had breakfast after the bars closed. Maybe there was a good night kiss or an exchange of phone #s. Texting wasn't a thing yet. Then you figured out if you wanted to go on a prearranged date. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author uncanny Posted March 1 Author Share Posted March 1 5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Seems really indifferent to say "I'll be here with friends, show up if you feel like it". Maybe it's just a way to see each other in person but hardly a date. She's seeing said friend, but is free afterwards. I want to believe she wouldn't be so insane as to show up with a freaking friend Link to post Share on other sites
Author uncanny Posted March 1 Author Share Posted March 1 This gets worse by the minute. Finding a job is more straightforward than this Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted March 1 Share Posted March 1 Maybe you can look at from her perspective in that since you unmatched her and deleted her initially then reached out to her afterwards that she feels some type of way and has reservations that you're going to do it again. Initially that was viewed as hot and cold and was a red flag to her maybe. It just so happens the day you suggested to meet she is joining a friend earlier and would still like to meet you afterwards. She is not "uninterested" per se but just maybe doesn't want to go through that again but still would be open to meeting you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
shellzbellz83 Posted March 1 Share Posted March 1 6 hours ago, uncanny said: Not sure what to do as she doesn't seem that excited about the date. Even asked what I had in mind. She'd said she'd be somewhere but would be free that evening when I asked her out, and when I set a time she replied I'll be there anyway. How do you even respond to this? Frankly, you don't seem excited at all, either. Everything from your angle has been doom and gloom, so not sure why you'd be expecting a great deal of enthusiasm from the other person. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted March 1 Share Posted March 1 3 hours ago, uncanny said: This gets worse by the minute. Finding a job is more straightforward than this After this date, please consider taking a break from dating. The level of anxiety you're feeling is extreme. Rather than putting yourself through the torture of dating right now, consider being kind to yourself and just being single for some time. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 1 Share Posted March 1 9 hours ago, uncanny said: I read it as showing low interest and trying to make me take the hint. Don't forget that you are the one who unmatched her. She's probably feeling (righfully) a bit wary about you. Give the girl a break, dude. It isn't realistic to expect her to be overly keen when your own behaviour was confusing. Whatever you do, please learn from this experience moving forward. 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted March 2 Share Posted March 2 12 hours ago, uncanny said: Yeah, you guys call me paranoid or controlling, but that I'll be there anyway just screams We can meet while we're at it and I'll be doing something else anyway I won't bail but I've a bad feeling about all this. I'll keep you updated you have a "bad" feeling about this because you yourself FEEL bad. and insecure, bitter, and approach most of this with animosity. How is that going to go well? It pretty much is guaranteed not to. IMO. She'll be on the defense because of how you've already acted, including the unmatch "mistake"🙄 you have a chip on your shoulder about just about everything. You have very inflexible ideas about women & dating, which sort of fall into a traditional or conservative zone but then you want to be progressive in that you don't want to pursue or pay. It's misaligned and seems like so much of it is stemming from your insecurity. I don't think you are ready to date. I can't even wish you luck because I feel for her--just being 100% real --you seem to angry to bring any happiness to her or yourself. I see your current state as a walking red flag..just being real. Sorry. Hope you can sort yourself out. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author uncanny Posted March 2 Author Share Posted March 2 7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Don't forget that you are the one who unmatched her. She's probably feeling (righfully) a bit wary about you. Give the girl a break, dude. It isn't realistic to expect her to be overly keen when your own behaviour was confusing. Whatever you do, please learn from this experience moving forward. I will Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted March 2 Share Posted March 2 (edited) uncanny did you happen to share with her that you so hastily deleted her number and unmatched her on the app? I'm wondering if you did, what her response might be. It might be helpful for her to know this, and might help to gain her trust with you. Not saying you have to go into a deep dive about the pain you've experienced on dating apps, and that it's made you wary of being hurt again. But even just saying that you had rashly deleted her number and unmatched her, without really thinking it through, but that you realized afterwards that it was the wrong thing to do. Edited March 2 by Alpacalia Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted March 2 Share Posted March 2 3 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: uncanny did you happen to share with her that you so hastily deleted her number and unmatched her on the app? I'm wondering if you did, what her response might be. If not, you haven't really told her the whole truth of what happened, or why it happened. It might be helpful for her to know this, and might help to gain her trust that you are willing to be honest and open about what's going on with you. Not saying you have to go into a deep dive about the pain you've experienced on dating apps, and that it's made you wary of being hurt again. But even just saying that you had rashly deleted her number and unmatched her, without really thinking it through, but that you realized afterwards that it was the wrong thing to do. Yeah I don't know if it'd be a good idea to get into it too much, just a brief mention. Better to try and go onwards and upwards and enjoy the date once you're on it. Hopefully no news is good news. People seem to come to this forum looking for answers and if things go better than expected disappear because they feel the issue is resolved. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted March 2 Share Posted March 2 3 minutes ago, FredEire said: Yeah I don't know if it'd be a good idea to get into it too much, just a brief mention. Better to try and go onwards and upwards and enjoy the date once you're on it. Hopefully no news is good news. People seem to come to this forum looking for answers and if things go better than expected disappear because they feel the issue is resolved. Yes, a brief mention. I agree, underplay it a little. It's not needed to go on and on about it. I was just curious. Link to post Share on other sites
Author uncanny Posted March 2 Author Share Posted March 2 She really enjoyed it and things happened. I explained why I did what I did which she appreciated 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted March 2 Share Posted March 2 (edited) 9 minutes ago, uncanny said: She really enjoyed it and things happened. I explained why I did what I did which she appreciated That's great! So just keep in mind going forward that fears and apprehensions that may arise are as likely to be from your end as hers. The initial stages of dating are really about getting to know the other person, seeing how compatible you are and how interested (or otherwise) the two people are and in what kind of relationship. So just be careful not to assume disinterest when most likely it's just a normal level of interest for the first few meetings. Edited March 2 by FredEire Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted March 2 Share Posted March 2 (edited) 10 minutes ago, uncanny said: She really enjoyed it and things happened. I explained why I did what I did which she appreciated 'Things' happened 😲. Good to hear. Sounds like they were all positive things. Edited March 2 by Alpacalia Link to post Share on other sites
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