Is there any coming back from this stupidity?

[uncanny]

26 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

 

On line is not for the faint of heart.  I found it horribly demoralizing  & only did it for 90 days.  I will never do it again because it made me nuts. 

Anyway, re-read the quite from your initial post.  She said no to a day time date & you stopped talking to her.  You flaked / ghosted 1st.  Now you are upset that she didn't chase.  Your expectation is unrealistic.   As a woman she's not going to chase ever.  Women are socialized to not chase.  When you stopped talking she stopped too.  She mirrored your energy / effort. 

Expecting daily communication or even prompt responses from somebody you haven't met yet is also unrealistic.  Everyvody is busy & chatting is a low priority activity even for somebody who wants to make a connection. The people at the other end of the device are still not real; they are strangers.  I came of age when you had a phone call & then you waited for 3-4 DAYS for the next contact.  This daily stuff seems too intense too soon for me so I never understand why people get so upset when they aren't getting instant responses.  Yes technology offers the ability but IMO decorum mandates something slower.  

If you still want to meet her, reach out.  If you aren't going to take the laboring oar, this will never move forward because she has concluded that you are uninterested.  No matter what you write here, none of that is being communicated to her.  All she knows is you unmatched.  She has no idea why.  You want her to chase you but every other social convention tells her not to do that. You are swimming upstream here.  

It is definitely demoralising for the vast majority of people, that's for sure. Which is ironically why I was so quick to assume she'd lost interest. 

I think you misunderstood one part. She never said no to a date and time. She said she was up for a date on the app. Then when we chatted privately she said she'd like to do that but gave me her limited availability.

Expecting daily communication is not unrealistic in 2024. Far from it. Especially getting to know someone. Again, we chatted the whole day after matching. 

I do want to meet her, but as you can see this sheds some bad light on who I might be. 

Edited February 28 by uncanny

[d0nnivain]

1 minute ago, uncanny said:

I think you misunderstood one part. She never said no to a date and time. She said she was up for a date on the app. Then when we chatted privately she said she'd like to do that but gave me her limited availability.

People are busy.  My schedule is so packed it's hard for me to schedule doctor / dentist appointments.   When DH & I started dating I had just opened a new business; I had 2 PT jobs; I served on 3 boards of trustees & I was the caregiver to my elderly parents.  I pretty much gave my new BF take it or leave it options about when I could go on dates.  It wasn't from lack of interests but I already had commitments.  IMO if somebody is giving you any time / day that works, that is a sign of interest even if there isn't a great deal of flexibility. 

[uncanny]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

People are busy.  My schedule is so packed it's hard for me to schedule doctor / dentist appointments.   When DH & I started dating I had just opened a new business; I had 2 PT jobs; I served on 3 boards of trustees & I was the caregiver to my elderly parents.  I pretty much gave my new BF take it or leave it options about when I could go on dates.  It wasn't from lack of interests but I already had commitments.  IMO if somebody is giving you any time / day that works, that is a sign of interest even if there isn't a great deal of flexibility. 

I understand. I was just expecting her saying what she did but followed but some sort of But we can meet up. Or a We can meet up on the weekend. 

I guess I didn't want to pressure her for her to reject me with some bs excuse and then feel like s*** 

[Weezy1973]

2 minutes ago, uncanny said:

I guess I didn't want to pressure her for her to reject me with some bs excuse and then feel like s*** 

There was another thread on here where a guy said he had low self-esteem and was looking to women for validation, and I suspect you suffer from something similar. You’re having over the top emotional reactions to the possibility of rejection, which then makes you behave in ways that sabotage your chances of making a genuine connection. Therapy might be something you can look into. 

[uncanny]

2 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

There was another thread on here where a guy said he had low self-esteem and was looking to women for validation, and I suspect you suffer from something similar. You’re having over the top emotional reactions to the possibility of rejection, which then makes you behave in ways that sabotage your chances of making a genuine connection. Therapy might be something you can look into. 

You're right. However, once you've been rejected enough it's only expected isn't it? Imagine a woman that's suffered abuse from every guy she'd been with. Is she gonna be at ease next time? Most guys are not abusers, but it doesn't change the fact that repeated experiences shape who we are.

[basil67]

3 hours ago, uncanny said:

It's not like people who date are perfect. Far from it, I'd say. Everyone makes mistakes. People ghost and do bad s*** all the time with bs justification. Im saying it could have been a possibility Id deleted my account

When two people connect and decide to move away from the dating app, they make a mutual decision to do so.   However without having had this discussion, to her your actions will look like you are either flaky, playing games or have simply ghosted.  None of which would refelect well on you. 
She’s not going to chase you - your only option is to contact her and apologise 

[Weezy1973]

29 minutes ago, uncanny said:

You're right. However, once you've been rejected enough it's only expected isn't it? Imagine a woman that's suffered abuse from every guy she'd been with. 

When I talk about over the top emotional responses to rejection, comparing rejection to abuse would be a great example.
 

Rejection when dating, especially with dating apps, is pretty normal and should just be taken in stride. I had pretty good success with online dating, but that came with a lot of rejection as well. I just didn’t let it bother me. I don’t connect with nor am I attracted to every woman out there, why would I expect every woman to be interested in me? Most won’t be. That makes sense.

 

But if you can’t do that, first I’d again recommend therapy because clearly there’s a lot going on under the surface with you so that you don’t have much resilience when it comes to rejection. And second, get back off the apps. Meet people in person. 

[Gaeta]

7 hours ago, uncanny said:

I decided to give another one a go late Friday night despite its reputation for hook-ups

I suggest you use a paying, more serious, dating app. There is a reason why some of those apps have a bad reputation.

People lose interest all the time for no reason, l suspect she connected with someone else more interesting to her.

Move on. You say you don't like rejection, what you're thinking of doing will just bring you a second rejection on her part.

[uncanny]

44 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I suggest you use a paying, more serious, dating app. There is a reason why some of those apps have a bad reputation.

People lose interest all the time for no reason, l suspect she connected with someone else more interesting to her.

Move on. You say you don't like rejection, what you're thinking of doing will just bring you a second rejection on her part.

I've used pretty much all apps including the one more in line with people looking for something serious. All apps offer a free and paid version.

Edited February 28 by uncanny

[uncanny]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

When I talk about over the top emotional responses to rejection, comparing rejection to abuse would be a great example.
 

Rejection when dating, especially with dating apps, is pretty normal and should just be taken in stride. I had pretty good success with online dating, but that came with a lot of rejection as well. I just didn’t let it bother me. I don’t connect with nor am I attracted to every woman out there, why would I expect every woman to be interested in me? Most won’t be. That makes sense.

 

But if you can’t do that, first I’d again recommend therapy because clearly there’s a lot going on under the surface with you so that you don’t have much resilience when it comes to rejection. And second, get back off the apps. Meet people in person. 

It was just an example out of many. 

I use dating apps for a reason. I can't meet people in person. My job is pretty much all guys and I don't drink/don't go out in the nightlife. Fitness is a big part of my life and that's a solitary activity, at least what I do. Not a place to approach either 

[d0nnivain]

What are you doing other than the apps?  I was on them for 90 days.  Within a month of giving up & putting myself out there in the real world, I was getting dates again.  I met my husband about  2 months after I stopped the apps.  

 

We cross posted so . . .  go to industry events.  Meet people there  Check out continuing education options.  Join a hiking club or co ed sports team.   There are in person options.  

Edited February 28 by d0nnivain

[Alpacalia]

You acted impulsively and made a mistake, but it's not the end of the world if you reach out and apologize.

Start by acknowledging that you acted impulsively and made a mistake, and then ask if she would be interested in meeting up at a specific time and place. Let her know that you were excited to get to know her more and regret your previous actions. It's possible she may not be interested anymore, but it's worth a shot to try and make amends.

Alternatively, stick your head in the sand and live with the regret or learn from the experience. 

[Gaeta]

26 minutes ago, uncanny said:

I've used pretty much all apps including the one more in line with people looking for something serious. All apps offer a free and paid version.

I know that all apps offer a paying subscriptions. Stick with apps that have serious repuration.

I met my boyfriend on FB dating. It was simple. You like profiles and if they like you back you talk. There is no bs like is he currently online, when last time he was online, who's online, none of that.

Edited February 28 by Gaeta

[uncanny]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

I know that all apps offers a paying subscriptions. Stick with apps that have serious repuration.

I met my boyfriend on FB dating. It was simple. You like profiles and if they like you back you talk. There is no bs like is he currently online, when last time he was online, whi's online, none of that.

There's no FB dating here.

The app I used the most by far is the most serious one

[uncanny]

I reached out and apologized. Regardless of the outcome, it is the right thing to do as I wouldn't have liked someone doing the same to me. Doesn't matter whether she was interested or not, it was a shitty thing to do

[Wiseman2]

Next time you start chatting with someone please don't inundate them with texts and lateral moves to other apps. After a few messages, ask them to meet. 

[uncanny]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Next time you start chatting with someone please don't inundate them with texts and lateral moves to other apps. After a few messages, ask them to meet. 

That's not how it works on apps. You usually get the number and take it somewhere else. I didn't inundate anyone. She put just as much effort as I did

[basil67]

2 hours ago, uncanny said:

That's not how it works on apps. You usually get the number and take it somewhere else. I didn't inundate anyone. She put just as much effort as I did

Yes, this is what my daughter explained to me when she was dating

[Wiseman2]

 It's unfortunate you were so quick to assume she'd lost interest.  Please keep in mind that preemptive strikes really don't work.

Perhaps a bit of time patience and confidence would help. Impulsive behavior like jumping on the app, assuming things then blocking her can be avoided and helped. 

[uncanny]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 It's unfortunate you were so quick to assume she'd lost interest.  Please keep in mind that preemptive strikes really don't work.

Perhaps a bit of time patience and confidence would help. Impulsive behavior like jumping on the app, assuming things then blocking her can be avoided and helped. 

What exactly do you mean by preemptive strike though? 

[Alpacalia]

It means that by deleting her number and unmatching her, you took action before anything actually happened. You decided to cut her off before anything potentially hurtful could happen. Maybe this is a pattern for you, and you tend to do this preemptive strike whenever things seem like they're going well.

What happened is that when she didn't reply to your message, you got into a thought spiral that she must have lost interest, and that it would be better to cut her off before she could reject you. But the truth is, you don't know what's going on with her. She might have been busy, or she might have wanted you to take the initiative and set up plans, or she could have just been replying to other people and not have gotten around to replying to you yet. Deleting her number before getting all the information was jumping to conclusions and shutting yourself off from something that could have been good. 

She didn't give any indication that she had lost interest or that she wasn't going to reply to you, so there wasn't really any reason for you to delete her number and unmatch her. In fact, she was still enthusiastic about meeting up with you in so far as she requested you to pick a time.

Edited February 29 by Alpacalia

[uncanny]

25 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

It means that by deleting her number and unmatching her, you took action before anything actually happened. You decided to cut her off before anything potentially hurtful could happen. Maybe this is a pattern for you, and you tend to do this preemptive strike whenever things seem like they're going well.

What happened is that when she didn't reply to your message, you got into a thought spiral that she must have lost interest, and that it would be better to cut her off before she could reject you. But the truth is, you don't know what's going on with her. She might have been busy, or she might have wanted you to take the initiative and set up plans, or she could have just been replying to other people and not have gotten around to replying to you yet. Deleting her number before getting all the information was jumping to conclusions and shutting yourself off from something that could have been good. 

She didn't give any indication that she had lost interest or that she wasn't going to reply to you, so there wasn't really any reason for you to delete her number and unmatch her. In fact, she was still enthusiastic about meeting up with you in so far as she requested you to pick a time.

This is spot on. All said, really.

However, she did give a slight indication which was going the whole day without messaging 

[basil67]

15 minutes ago, uncanny said:

However, she did give a slight indication which was going the whole day without messaging 

I admit that I've chased guys in my time, but I'm not the average woman and in general I have to echo the idea that women are taught to not chase.  She was simply waiting for you to contact her to discuss an evening date.

However, I'm wondering why you didn't firm up a date when she told you that she could do evenings.  You could have said "I can work with that.  How's Friday night work for you?"

[Alpacalia]

24 minutes ago, uncanny said:

This is spot on. All said, really.

However, she did give a slight indication which was going the whole day without messaging 

A whole day without messaging means nothing. Seriously, it means nothing. You cannot predict interest or disinterest simply by how long a person takes to reply to you, so don't even try. Trying to predict interest on the basis of how long she took to reply is like trying to predict the future by throwing darts at a dart board while blindfolded - it's pointless.

The truth is, it's not really a fact that she lost interest just because she didn't send any messages for one single day. There could be any number of reasons why she didn't send any messages. Maybe she actually was busy, maybe she thought that you were getting too flirty too quickly, maybe she was talking to other people at the same time and was focusing on someone else for a bit, maybe she just didn't feel like chatting on the app all day. There are dozens of potential reasons for her behavior, and "she has lost interest" is only one of those reasons. There are a bunch of other potential explanations for her behavior that have nothing to do with her losing interest.

The way you're reading into this situation is only causing you self-inflicted pain where there doesn't even seem to be any actual problem. You're seeing this girl's inaction as some kind of rejection, when in reality it was just her taking a break and being busy living her own life. But because you're already expecting rejection, you're going to frame her behavior to fit that expectation.

The way you replied to her pretty much come completely screwed up chances of redemption and only added strength to her idea that you blew her off and/or ghosted. I'm not trying to be a jerk but it's my opinion and you can weed out if it's applicable or not.

This is where you're going wrong, because the whole idea of "chances of redemption" implies that you've done something wrong that needs to be fixed. But you haven't done anything wrong. You've been absolutely fine up until now - it's your thinking that is off-base. 

You have reacted to each of these situations as if she will reject you, so that's exactly what your brain keeps expecting to happen. "I don't want to drive her away" is also based on thinking that you're not good enough to hold onto her, and that you don't want to do the wrong thing. So you're playing this game to try not to upset her.

All that needed to be done here is that you ask for a date as soon as you have interest in dating the person. When you have a date in hand, you don't have to have an app-sucks story about how people can disappear or string you along. You don't have to have that really dramatic reason why. You don't have to do all sorts of work calculating what a "good enough" date is. You get rid of the concept of Good. Good ain't the point. The point is showing up. Giving yourself a chance.

Edited February 29 by Alpacalia

[uncanny]

20 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

A whole day without messaging means nothing. Seriously, it means nothing. You cannot predict interest or disinterest simply by how long a person takes to reply to you, so don't even try. Trying to predict interest on the basis of how long she took to reply is like trying to predict the future by throwing darts at a dart board while blindfolded - it's pointless.

The truth is, it's not really a fact that she lost interest just because she didn't send any messages for one single day. There could be any number of reasons why she didn't send any messages. Maybe she actually was busy, maybe she thought that you were getting too flirty too quickly, maybe she was talking to other people at the same time and was focusing on someone else for a bit, maybe she just didn't feel like chatting on the app all day. There are dozens of potential reasons for her behavior, and "she has lost interest" is only one of those reasons. There are a bunch of other potential explanations for her behavior that have nothing to do with her losing interest.

The way you're reading into this situation is only causing you self-inflicted pain where there doesn't even seem to be any actual problem. You're seeing this girl's inaction as some kind of rejection, when in reality it was just her taking a break and being busy living her own life. But because you're already expecting rejection, you're going to frame her behavior to fit that expectation.

The way you replied to her pretty much come completely screwed up chances of redemption and only added strength to her idea that you blew her off and/or ghosted. I'm not trying to be a jerk but it's my opinion and you can weed out if it's applicable or not.

This is where you're going wrong, because the whole idea of "chances of redemption" implies that you've done something wrong that needs to be fixed. But you haven't done anything wrong. You've been absolutely fine up until now - it's your thinking that is off-base. 

You have reacted to each of these situations as if she will reject you, so that's exactly what your brain keeps expecting to happen. "I don't want to drive her away" is also based on thinking that you're not good enough to hold onto her, and that you don't want to do the wrong thing. So you're playing this game to try not to upset her.

All that needed to be done here is that you ask for a date as soon as you have interest in dating the person. When you have a date in hand, you don't have to have an app-sucks story about how people can disappear or string you along. You don't have to have that really dramatic reason why. You don't have to do all sorts of work calculating what a "good enough" date is. You get rid of the concept of Good. Good ain't the point. The point is showing up. Giving yourself a chance.

Thanks for taking the time to write this. I agree. I do think however I did something wrong. Bailing/unmatching without saying a word is not cool. It doesn't matter if it's normal behavior online. It really doesn't matter what she says or if she even replies. I would have appreciated getting an apology after doing what I did. Her talking to 1000 guys at the same time doesn't change this either. It's about treating someone fairly.

I didn't get the part about the way I replied to her. Can you elaborate? I never replied to her

Edited February 29 by uncanny