Field Posted February 28 Share Posted February 28 (edited) So, my partner and I have been together for 7 years. We’ve always openly discussed marriage and kids, we’re both on the same page with wanting these things… however, I’m 26 and he’s 27, and I’m approaching the point where I’m wondering WHEN this is going to happen. I’ve always made it clear that I want a kid before I’m 30, he’s made it clear he wants to travel first and find a stable career. Fair enough, but, he’s making no steps towards this. I’ve nearly finished my degree (I’m only working part time at the minute) and will be working full time in a field I love within the year but I don’t see anything happening on his behalf. I just want assurance that we’re still on the same page to have a kid before 30 (my parents are in their 70s and family is very important to me, I want my kids to know their grandparents) but I don’t know if I feel confident that he’s on the same page as me. Whenever we talk about it he gets defensive and says “well it doesn’t just happen that way”. I’m stuck and I don’t know what to do. Edited February 28 by Field Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 28 Share Posted February 28 (edited) If at 27 he's taken no meaningful steps toward achieving his stated goals: stable career & travel before marriage you have to assume it will not happen. He's too complacent. If you stay you will not have a kid before 30 absent an "accident". You will be then tied to a man who resents you & the child who does not have the financial wherewithal to support offspring. I was in your shoes. I waited & waited until I was 35. I'm in my mid 50s now & childless because it was too late by the time I had all the pieces in place. With the increasing war on IVF you can't wait any longer Edited February 28 by d0nnivain 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 28 Share Posted February 28 42 minutes ago, Field said: Whenever we talk about it he gets defensive and says “well it doesn’t just happen that way”. I’m stuck and I don’t know what to do. If he gets defensive when bring up the subject of marriage and kids that's not good. Especially when you are 26 and want those things by 30. Him being only 27 and a man gives him a lot more time to start his career, find a wife and start a family. I think you have no other choice but to address this once again with him and if he doesn't give you a definitive answer, that will be your answer and you need to start making your own plans. That may mean breaking up and finding a man who has the same mindset as you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 28 Share Posted February 28 Sorry this is happening. Do you live together? Before discussing marriage and family it's important that you are both settled in your careers and financially independent. If your BF is talking about traveling and unfortunately you two are not on the same page. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 28 Share Posted February 28 (edited) I think it's clear that you're both not on the same page re: timelines, so you may have a difficult decision to make. That being said, IMO it does sound a bit rushed on your part, especially when you haven't even finished your degree yet. Children are expensive, especially with the economic downturn and cost of living crisis nowadays, and many young parents struggle financially even when both people have graduated and been working full-time for several years. Unfortunately these financial difficulties can cause issues in the marriage, and can lead to families breaking apart. Have you thought about what you are going to do about your finances and childcare? If you have a child 1-2 years after graduation, there's no way that your income will match the cost of childcare, so are you going to stop working to be a SAHM for 5-6 years almost as soon as you enter your career? Will you be able to re-enter your career field after that? I'm not saying you should stay with him (in fact, I think breaking up is probably the best solution since you're on different pages), but I'm advising you to also consider the logistics of this urgent plan of yours. You say you want your children to know their grandparents, but is that really more important than them being in a financially stable family? What do your parents think about your plan to rush such an important decision on their behalf? Edited February 28 by Els 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Field Posted February 28 Author Share Posted February 28 5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this is happening. Do you live together? Before discussing marriage and family it's important that you are both settled in your careers and financially independent. If your BF is talking about traveling and unfortunately you two are not on the same page. We’ve been living together for 6 years now, I fully understand the side of financial stability but how do I help him move towards that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Field Posted February 28 Author Share Posted February 28 Thank you all! Some very hard things to think about Link to post Share on other sites
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