fear of staying alone

[kuku]

I am 35, have a masters in fine arts. I live at seaside, where i managed to buy a little house with a garden 2y ago. 
I now renovate this house.. it btw in balkan europe. I work as a freelancer but constantly i am depressed, having fears what will tomorrow bring. will i be alone or no..will i have children ever in my life. I am very attractive phisicaly, but severally anxious and authistic. Not so god in socialisation.

My family is very traditional, living in middle EU. parents retired..house..garden..brother is very kind of as society wants-kids, wife, good job..house.
Generally my family is nice to me, but i cant stay there, as it makes me anxious.

I am now here at the seaside.. working online..renovating house and very afraid what future will bring. will i be alone? Will i be able to find a boyfriend at 40..42...45...
I have a feeling that i am not good enough and that time will smash me. 

Do you have any advice...how to deal this.
Sometimes i want to go back home but it makes me very depressed again. but being here by my own is also hard.

 

[Els]

Just so you know, lots of people would kill to have what you have - a flexible online job that lets you own your own house by the seaside. That doesn't mean that your feelings aren't valid, of course, but IMO contentment is a good foundation to build future improvements on.

Do you actually want all these things that society wants you to have - kids, husband, etc - or are you just feeling pressured by your traditional family? Have you tried making friends where you are, perhaps through autism support networks?

[kuku]

On 3/1/2024 at 12:11 PM, Els said:

Just so you know, lots of people would kill to have what you have - a flexible online job that lets you own your own house by the seaside. That doesn't mean that your feelings aren't valid, of course, but IMO contentment is a good foundation to build future improvements on.

Do you actually want all these things that society wants you to have - kids, husband, etc - or are you just feeling pressured by your traditional family? Have you tried making friends where you are, perhaps through autism support networks?

Hi. Thank you for response. It was not always like that. I earned house by great luck, by my savings from years of hard work and just by coincidence I got a cheap offer. Then just 3 months ago I got a kind of a stable remote -freelance job. Still I am a freelancer, but my client is long therm, so I am very grateful. But before that was really unstable and I got so scared of many years of struggling that now I just can not breath. Constantly I have a fear, that I will fall.

Also, I have a problem when I see some news from my colleges from my base country, having all those "normal jobs" and starting families. It makes me so scares that I am all wrong and did everything wrong. I need days to recover and remember, who I am, and what I did. I can not see myself worthy. Nothing is good enough that I did. I always thought- when i have a house, earned by me, than I will be safe and calm. But now is still not enough, I can not see myself good enough and serious enough. I have contstantlly this feeling that is not right to live like that and that I have to be more serious, more smart, more adult.

I think I want to have a kid. But I am not ready for it. I really wish to have it around 42 or so. I have a feeling that by then I will be menthaly stable and have more confidence.

I need to confess that I did not try enough to make friends. I have neighbours who are my friends, but I can not bother them all the time. Now I am thinking about starting a sport course.

I totally know, many would be happy to have what I have but still, I have a feeling like I just can't live properly and believe to the reality facts. Like I am a child, lost in adult body and I lie to myself that I am big and grown up.

[Els]

30 minutes ago, kuku said:

I totally know, many would be happy to have what I have but still, I have a feeling like I just can't live properly and believe to the reality facts. Like I am a child, lost in adult body and I lie to myself that I am big and grown up.

I think we all feel this way sometimes. At least, I certainly do. And I would love to have a seaside house in the Balkans!

Yes, I think starting a sport or hobby where you can go out and meet friends would be good for you. Especially because you can meet other people whose lifestyles are more similar with yours. I think it's normal to feel disconnected from people you knew in your childhood, especially if you immigrated to a new country and are living in a different culture now (I did). Sometimes you just don't have much in common with them anymore, especially if they are very much wrapped up in family life. Everyone comes into your life for a reason or a season, and that's okay.

 

[kuku]

4 hours ago, Els said:

I think we all feel this way sometimes. At least, I certainly do. And I would love to have a seaside house in the Balkans!

Yes, I think starting a sport or hobby where you can go out and meet friends would be good for you. Especially because you can meet other people whose lifestyles are more similar with yours. I think it's normal to feel disconnected from people you knew in your childhood, especially if you immigrated to a new country and are living in a different culture now (I did). Sometimes you just don't have much in common with them anymore, especially if they are very much wrapped up in family life. Everyone comes into your life for a reason or a season, and that's okay.

 

Thank you. You sound wise. I didn't know that other people you have also this feeling. LOL. I thought I am ill because of that. 

[Foxhall]

I kind of relate to what you are saying,

I dont know-  Ive had relationships, but have always felt something of a loner at heart, or have found it hard not to end up back on my own,

too much isolation is not good probably would be the root of any advice I could give you,

we are all searching for something perhaps or maybe more accurately some of us are still searching and take longer to figure things out,

sometimes perhaps we can meet our true love when we least expect it- although that is not saying it is ok to sit back and make no effort,

probably getting more connected to society as alluded by the other poster and joining some group is a good starting point,

posting here can be a good way even of clearing the mind.

 

[kuku]

58 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

I kind of relate to what you are saying,

I dont know-  Ive had relationships, but have always felt something of a loner at heart, or have found it hard not to end up back on my own,

too much isolation is not good probably would be the root of any advice I could give you,

we are all searching for something perhaps or maybe more accurately some of us are still searching and take longer to figure things out,

sometimes perhaps we can meet our true love when we least expect it- although that is not saying it is ok to sit back and make no effort,

probably getting more connected to society as alluded by the other poster and joining some group is a good starting point,

posting here can be a good way even of clearing the mind.

 

the thing is.. is when young people in my country mostly end at traditional life. House, family, job. Ok, it sounds nice and actually I wish that too. But there is something that really scares me and makes me so anxious to just take the pattern and settle there. It is maybe my individual case.. I really wanted to know myself and see things and research..what is out there. I did not want to stay in industrial city and be another copy pasted case. I feel very sad about this solution. I was depressed about this solution even when I was still a child. I was watching my destiny in front of me... everything was so clear- school-job-family-job-death. Maybe it has to do with industrial surroundings which can cause very depressive thoughts.. idk.
But always when I thought about working 40 year for somebody..going there every day..made me so sad. And then..now..on the other side.. I try to work as a freelancer..is again so unstable and scary.. it just makes me think, that i don't know what to do in this life to make it the right way. I ask myself WHY AM I NOT NORMAL. 
because the thing is, that most people is normal. Why not me? LOL. I would love to just not ask myself million things and just live as others.

But you are right. I feel better when i write down as i do here. And especially, when I hear people with same thoughts. THIS is really liberating. Then I feel a bit better. I guess I will make some social club in future, to join similar people, artists and so on.
Socialising is so important..and traveling. I wish that people would actually connect more and help each other.


 

[Foxhall]

8 hours ago, kuku said:

But always when I thought about working 40 year for somebody..going there every day..made me so sad. And then..now..on the other side.. I try to work as a freelancer..is again so unstable and scary.. it just makes me think, that i don't know what to do in this life to make it the right way. I ask myself WHY AM I NOT NORMAL. 

I would not worry too much about it.

I think your pretty normal actually and quite attractive profile to lots of guys,

the shyness and self esteem issues need a bit of help - getting a bit more connected to like minded people, as you say yourself- thats what is missing I think.

 

[kuku]

5 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

I would not worry too much about it.

I think your pretty normal actually and quite attractive profile to lots of guys,

the shyness and self esteem issues need a bit of help - getting a bit more connected to like minded people, as you say yourself- that's what is missing I think.

 

Thanks. I will try to work on it more now.
I have another issue..and question. I constantly look for another studies or educational options. Right now looking at 5 different studies to apply totally from beginning. Because I am afraid, what future bring and want to be prepared. I don't know how is that in your country, but in my country for exmpl. people mostly think that after 30 to still study-if u already did some studies-is a waste of time. 
Now... i am searching to apply for some useful studies at my "seaside" country-where i live now (not my base country), because here the studies are 3x cheaper than in my country (where studying is free only once and i did it already).
Now..some people say to me- stop and work on what you have, because you are just running away. Still, another say that is smart (mostly people from northern countries).

Thinking about programming course, or architecture studies, or business psychology studies, physiotherapy..and so on. I don't know what to choose, so I don't fall again and be depressed at the end, with facing the reality of those fields. Maybe this is a question for another room, but in case you guys have some experiences, i would be grateful.

[Wiseman2]

Did you "fall" before and get depressed at the end?  Your choices are a bit too all over the place. Either you are interested in and have the prerequisites for something..or you don't.

Please try to take care of your depression and anxiety. If you choose to go back to school pick something reasonable and doable. 

Architecture or physiotherapy? This is way too broad and most people have this figured out in highschool before they choose further education. 

Edited March 3 by Wiseman2

[kuku]

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did you "fall" before and get depressed at the end?  Your choices are a bit too all over the place. Either you are interested in and have the prerequisites for something..or you don't.

Please try to take care of your depression and anxiety. If you choose to go back to school pick something reasonable and doable. 

Architecture or physiotherapy? This is way too broad and most people have this figured out in highschool before they choose further education. 

I was studying abroad and actually I was successful, but slowly I would get more and more anxious and stop socialising until I totally broke down one day. I t was like black out in my brain, I could not go out for more days and I was very afraid of everything. I had a feeling that there is no space for me to exist. That there is not possibility for me to settle in life and figure out. I could not see the fact that I was attending one of bests art schools and that i had so many possibilities..and support from this school. I just felt that they did a mistake to take me and that I am not enough smart and I will loos all anyway. My heart was like- it was a feeling of explosion.
I had so many ideas and my supervisors were very interested in my work. I got some great chance to make project with a great specialist..but I just could not take it. It was like-i lost my arms and legs and got black out. Then I somehow manage to end the studies and ran away..to the seaside. Its maybe important to say..that in this time when my black out started..it was 1 year before COVId started. So it was really tuff time anyway in general. When Corona started I just graduated and escaped to my seaside place and stayed here.


I think that my anxiety was in my since I was little but it manifests now more and more. And when I try to help myself, go to therapists I always find some wird ones and this made me even more anxious and I felt like.. man, if I can get used by therapist even..what is the chance to help myself. I feel  worthless and stupid. This can only happens to me.
The thing with therapists was awful. The last one literally used me. She was asking me about surnames and names of my close relationships (she is from small town and wanted to know out of curiosity). And this brought me the fear that I can not trust to therapists. Of course..what could I expect in Balkan.. here the doctors don't respect Hippocratic Oath.
My friend was interviewing some specialist here and asked him which was the worst patient ever..and he literally told her the name and surname. Can u imagine?

About studies..yes. I am aware that it sounds not very thoughtful. I am in panic and trying to find solution. Those studies I menition because they are near to my place and are interesting to me. Architecture was actually my 1st study at age of 19, but I left it after 3 months as I wanted to do painting study at that time. But kind of regret it now.

Anyway, I think more and more I will make a 6-month course for programming now, because its not too long ..and also i dont loose much with those 6 months , even if I would not like it at the end, it can not make a damage probably and I will learn something in worst possible case.

[Foxhall]

On 3/3/2024 at 9:58 PM, kuku said:

I have another issue..and question. I constantly look for another studies or educational options.

Some of my work is with adults returning later in life to education - so I will likely encourage you to pursue whatever you are interested in,

always good to broaden horizons and gain new subject knowledge.

Stating the obvious but having a passion for or at least some interest in whatever you study- I come across that a lot of "older" people dont really have the desire to put in the study that is needed,

You could consider than a type of course that does not really enhance employment prospects but that you may just enjoy,

I did something completely different a few years ago- spending a year or so studying herbal medicine myself (which was completely different from what I had previously been working in) some might say it was a waste of money- but money is not everything I suppose- if you enjoy it can be worthwhile.

could be a good in a sense also to exercise the mind and give something to focus on.

[kuku]

On 3/4/2024 at 11:53 PM, Foxhall said:

Some of my work is with adults returning later in life to education - so I will likely encourage you to pursue whatever you are interested in,

always good to broaden horizons and gain new subject knowledge.

Stating the obvious but having a passion for or at least some interest in whatever you study- I come across that a lot of "older" people dont really have the desire to put in the study that is needed,

You could consider than a type of course that does not really enhance employment prospects but that you may just enjoy,

I did something completely different a few years ago- spending a year or so studying herbal medicine myself (which was completely different from what I had previously been working in) some might say it was a waste of money- but money is not everything I suppose- if you enjoy it can be worthwhile.

could be a good in a sense also to exercise the mind and give something to focus on.

Hi! Thank you for nice answer, It made me think for a bit. 
Right now I returned to renovating my house, which will be going on next 3 months. while waiting for workers to finish that, I will grow some vegetable garden and learn how to sew clothes (I have some sewing machine here and would be smart to use what I have at the moment), and start painting again.
About courses- For now I am planning to start programming course in September- I hope I will stick to it until the end. I guess this is already enough stuff for this year and then I see what life brings. I am a bit afraid of future but I try to see those small steps as a success as much as i can. I just hope I don't get depressed again for a while, life is really nicer without it!