wife says she is "lost"

[capt601]

Hello all.

3 weeks ago my wife told me that she is not sure about us. (we have been married 7 years and together 12 years.) She says that she is lost and needs some space. That she just doesn;t seem to have any feelings right now - mainly for me. but she does say that she wants to try to get them back, but she does not know. She suggested counseling and we have been going for the past two 1/2 weeks.

Another part of the story is that she has had a great job for the past year and has been working on a big project of the owner of her company buying out another company in another state nearby. She knew at the end of this that the possiblility of them moving the company to this new loction was very good when the deal was complete. Now that the deal has been signed there has been discussion of them moving to this new location. (this is the exact time when she brought up the "lost" thing to me. She says they are not positive on the move, but it seems to be a done deal. She loves her job with this company, and has done very well. She says one thought in her head with her being "lost" is that she would move to this new city (without me)and see how things go. I think that this for me would be the end, it is not like she is moving across town to think about things, she woudl be moving out of the state. I have found a draft copy of a contract that she would have to sign if they moved her job.

 

I have not confronted her on it completely, but have asked it they have had discussions or put anything into writing in regards to the move. She has said their has just been discussion, nothing else, because they are not sure yet what they are doing.with no mention of the draft contract.

 

As I said, we have been going to counseling and i feel that the counselor is laying everything on me and basically giving her more time to decide she doesn;t want to be with me. ( All in the meanwhile, she is still staying in our house with me, but sleeping in a separate bedroom. ) I realize that I could have done many things better, but i feel that this is a problem with both of us and not just me as the counselor tries to push. She has said that the counselor is helping her understand her fellings and get her to try to talk and express her feelings more. (this has always been a problem that she admits to - keeping things inside). But when I ask her if she thinks things will work out for us, she still says she doesn't know. I don't understand how someone can really not know.

 

Why is she still satying in our house if she really wants to move on?

 

How long will it take for her to understand her feelings towards me?

 

This is all really driving me crazy! I really love my wife, she is and always has been everything to me. I know that I did not always show it in the ways that she wants, but I just want to change for the good and do that for her. But it is tough because she says she needs her space. So basically, all I can do is just wait for her to make up her mind with everyting. I feel like a puppet on strings right now! With her at the controls.

 

thanks all, and this is a great forum.

[reddog63]

Sorry, but I would guess she may be envolved with someone else. You should keep eye out for signs.........telephone bill, etc. This talk of "space" is a good indicator.

[capt601]

that was the first thing I thought of, and I honestly believe that she is not. I may be completely wrong, but I did confront her on this issue and I still feel that she is faithful.

Like I said, the strange thing is she is still around the house. She doesn;t go out on the weekends except for during the days.

[slubberdegullion]

Capt601;

 

"I'm feeling lost" and "I need my space" is wimmenspeak for "I'm thinking about packing my bags."

 

It also sounds like the counsellor has taken sides, which is not at all what a good counsellor should do.

 

Reddog63 may be on to something. It could be that she is either involved or considering getting involved with someone else.

 

She has manipulated this in such a way that she's in complete control of the situation (as you pointed out). From where I sit, it looks like it may be time to take your power back. I don't recommend ultimatums because they usually backfire. So you may want to try to determine how her priorities stack up. If she decides that it's all about her, regardless of the cost to you and your family, then you already have your answer. But if - and I hope this is how it works out - she decides that she is better and stronger with you than without you, then you have a basis for optimism.

 

And get a new counsellor that you can both agree upon.

 

Good luck.

[Outcast]

i feel that the counselor is laying everything on me

 

Oh really. And what is the counselor saying?

[capt601]

He is saying that because we have moved due to job location changes with my job, that I am the cause. He is trying to say that we did not discuss these moves, evn though we did, and unfortunately my job is teh high breadwinner in our family. My wife and I did talk about he move and we always thought it was for the better for us. Now her and the counselor are trying to say that is why she is lost, she is finally realizing her feelings adn that she made teh move just to keep me happy.

 

It doesn;t seem as if the counselor has dealt with any other issues besides telling me to just give her space. he has not dealt with her being a spoiled single child growing up, and being raised by her grandmother because her parents were to busy working andnever really showed parental love to her. I think that is part of the problem. She has finally realized that she is in a commmiteed relationship and she is going back to her days as an only child and being the only one. And now with her new job possibility she is only thinking of herself adn not of our marriage.

 

Off to counseling in 2 hours, we'll see what happens.

 

thanks for all of the comments everyone.

[capt601]

went to the counselor this morning. Right now I feel completely alone, as I don;t have my wife to talk to, like I usually do.

 

Today when the counselor asked her where she was on the fence - either in the middle, leaning towards leaving me, or leaning towards staying together- she said she was still in the middle and not leaning one way or another. When he asked what would get her to go one way or another she said she did not know. He asked her if she needed help going one way -she said no. I think he was as shocked as me with her answer. he says by this he is seeing any willingness in her to try to stay together, but yet she still does not leave me, and says she wants to find out why she is having these feelings.

 

I am just told that i need to give her the space she wants, but i feel that I should be doing something for her. I am constantly thinking about all of this, and don;t ever see her just sit there and thinking or even initiating any conversations with me.

[Zetter]

OK, your situation is similar to mine in many ways. having lived through this for about 3.5 months now, I can at least give you my insight. My wife gave me the "I need space" and "I'm lost" bit verbatim. She moved out and wanted to separate to get her space, and she indicated that she wanted to work on things. She bought books and made an appointment for us to see a counselor. After she moved out she cancelled the counselling session and didn't read the books. She began dating a guy who she had her eyes for. I was devastated and tried for months to rectify. She kept telling me that she still needed space. Eventually she told me that she tried to let me down easy, and all of that "space" and "lost" crap was to allow me to adjust to the inevitable. I gave up. She continued to date this new loser. I cut off contact with her and asked her only to contact me if it was about the divorce. She respected that for a while, and then would use her anger of things in the past as reason to contact me and literally bitch me out, as if I left her and wasnt trying anymore. I got an offer to work in Europe for a few months, and asked her for the divorce. She agreed. When she got the papers, she called me and said that she could't do it. She still had feelings for me deep down, even though i had hurt her during our 3 years together. She asked for time to reconsider. I didn't know what to do. I agreed, and now we are separated but with the agreement that we can date other people and really work on being friends. Her feeling is if we can become friends again, the rest will come. This is a longshot as i see it, but I am willing to go along with it for now. I would have lost my mind if this was the situation 2 months ago, but it is funny how over time you adjust your perception of things. Whatever the situation ends up being, my advice to you (and the advice from my therapist) is to not listen to whatever anyone tells you you should or should not do. Example - if she wants to date other people, and you are willing to to try to salvage your relationship, then do it under whatever rules you are comfortable with. If you can't do it, then don't. Nobody else in the world is you, and knows what exactly you are dealing with. Everyone tells me I'm crazy for doing this, but I'm able to live with it for now. One thing is for sure, I have become a much better person for myself and this or future relationships after this painful, extremely painful, process. Good luck.

[slubberdegullion]

Capt;

 

Your wife seems to be confusing the emotion of love with the decision of love. If she, or anyone else, expects marriage or any other sort of romantic relationship to be eternal bliss, dancing butterflies and running slow-motion through the grass, then she's living a delusion.

 

But if she sees love as a decision to be maintained when everything else seems to be going wrong, then she's rational.

 

So when she says, "I don't feel love for you anymore," she's reaching into that delusional state. It's very common; hence, it may be one of the reasons why the divorce rate is so absurdly high.

 

Love is not a feeling or an emotion or a set of glands calling to another. It is a decision.

[Ladyjane14]

Capt601 and Zetter..... I don't know if you guys have kids and mortgages, but if you don't, why not just rip the band-aid off? Go NO CONTACT and file for divorce.

 

"I need space" is double-speak for "I'm prioritizing myself right now, with no immediate plans on prioritizing YOU or our marriage".

 

Sometimes that's because of an outside romantic interest. Sometimes it's because of career goals. Sometimes it's because your partner wasn't fulfilling your needs in the relationship.

 

Usually though, the request for "space" is an emotional withdrawal from the marriage which leads to more problems accumulated rather than problems being solved. It's representative of an inability to cope when troubles arise.

 

As life becomes increasingly demanding with family and financial obligations, followed by health concerns as we age....you can easily end up with a defective partner who is unwilling to work through life's difficulties.

 

Although most people will develop more emotional depth with time and experience, some clearly do not. You are rolling the dice when your partner has reached a certain level of maturity and is still incapable of effective problem-solving. There is no certainty for anyone really, regarding the maintenance of a healthy relationship. But you're fighting uphill when these important character traits are already known to be lacking.

[capt601]

ladyjane - thank you for your response. I am feeling that I am working towards doing the "no contact" thing and divorce right now. I dn't want to rush it, but i feel like she is playing me like a puppet right now - I am just dangling here waiting for her to make me move. I do really still love her, but feel that she is just waiting for the right time (which I think is wehn her job decides to move, that seh will "suddenly" realize this is the time for her to be on her own. I have already told her that if she takes the job and moves that it is over. She didn;t think I would say this, but i think at that point she has chosen her career over us.

i really feel really scared for myself. I don;t know what I will do without her.

 

She just left for the day to go rollerblading, and said she would be back in time for dinner and that she would like to have dinner together, so if I wouldn't mind picking something up. It just seems once again she is just toying with me. Is she trying for herself or just trying to make me feel better?

 

thanks all, this is a great support.

capt601

[Ladyjane14]

i really feel really scared for myself. I don;t know what I will do without her.

 

You'll be okay. It hurts like a bitch, true. You don't have to read very far in this particular forum to witness the pain and loss associated with the ending of a marriage.

 

But when you look closer....there is also recovery. Most recently, a post from B52srock, who had one helluva painful break up.

 

There are many others....Devildog, MassiveAtom, Yikes, Reservoirdog, just to name a few....who have made a better life for themselves. These are folks who have found themselves again, who are reborn like the legendary phoenix.

 

It's tough going, no doubt about it. And I bet most of those guys will tell you that there are still good days and bad days. But to a man, they're also likely to tell you that they would never go back.

 

Fear is the mind-killer. When you accept that the old marriage you knew is OVER, you'll find more clarity. What you're attempting to keep wasn't any good anyway. It couldn't stand the test of adversity. What you WANT is something better.

[Zetter]

There is no doubt that Cap's wife, as well as my own, are prioritizing their own needs for one reason or another. I guess my question that nobody can really answer is..."does the prioritization result in love lost forever?" I suppose a lot of the answer has to do with circumstances and the actions of the people in the relationship, and timing is everything. In my case, the initial answer was yes. After time, situational changes, ability to forgive, etc., the answer may have begun to change. The thing that is scary is that the people we are with have not shown the wherewithal to stick with a person they love, through difficult times, as you pointed out LJ. What would have to be different to continue a relationship with that person? I love my wife to no end, would take her back in an instant, but am not certain that she would not leave again. That is ridiculous on my part, but that is what happens when the heart rules the mind.

[capt601]

ladyjane and zetter, thank you. i agree completely that fear is the mind killer. It surely is tough trying to confront the fear I have right now. and as Zetter says "my wife is prioritizing her own needs for one reson or another" Tha tis the one that has me most confused and has had me thinking for awhile. Isn;t marriage about the two of you and making sacrifices for the other person? Whe you are in a marriage you have decided that I won't decide things just for myself anymore, but have decided that there is another person important enough in my life to share that decision with?

 

I had a real rough night on Saturday, and Sunday morning, adn it didn;t seem to phase her at all. i went out with some friends of ours on Sunday and talked with them. We discussed how I was at the point of giving up on all of this and to try to stop thinking things were going to change. They were surprised I had let it go on so long. I came home last night and told my wife that I was just about to give up, that I didn;t see her "willingness" to continue our marriage anymore (just as the counselor had seen in her). She said that is not true and that she wants to understand it and try, but she doesn;t know.

 

How long is this going to take for her? That is one of the things that is driving me crazy! How long do I wait? I want to wait and give her time to figure things out in her head, but I also see it not being fair to me to have to suffer through all of this. the counselor has said that she has not had the opportunity to live her own life and has always been living her life with sacrifices because of me. So do I give her a chance to sort things out in her mind and wait for who knows how long or what?

 

thanks all.

[lilmoma1973]

Here is the marriage site enjoy!!!!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/myhome.php?Cat=0

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

This one is to help you with emotional needs that you may not be meeting!!

 

good luck hope it works out for you!!

[Ladyjane14]

Okay, if you guys are determined..... then Lilmomma has give you good advice. Plan A is for you. You can find more details at marriagebuilders regarding that. Remember this though, Plan A is for a WS (wayward spouse) who is on the fence. If she ever jumps down.....it's time for Plan B.

 

You can get the same basic information from The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. You'll find it in bookstores and libraries.

 

The idea is simple..... You identify her ENs (emotional needs) and you start fulfilling them. You speak to her in her love language as opposed to your own. You present yourself as the charming, ATTRACTIVE man that she originally fell in love with. You are accomodating, and yet....(this is important)....living within your boundaries.

 

This all takes a bit of study. And it requires that you table your own agenda for the time-being. When you're in Plan A, your spouse is feeding from your emotional reserves....so you better have some.

 

There is no guarantee that you'll be successful. You accept your mission at your own emotional risk. But....if you're really determined....it's your best bet.

 

 

p.s. There is no time-table here. That said, once you've absorbed ALL the information, and you're using it full-time....you'll be able to guage your progress in short order.

[capt601]

thanks everyone. I will check that website out a little more once I return home from my trip.

 

i really do want to try to work this through I just don;t want to "force" her. I understand about getting her emotional needs taken care of, but only if I can see any willingness on her part.

 

i had an interesting converstion with her father this afternoon. I had not talked to him since this all begin. She had said that she had talked to him a few times about this. When I talked to him he was almost more confused about it all then me. He didn't know half of what was happening and what she was thinking. As he and I were talking he said without me talking that this is exactly what my wife has always done in her life "run away from problems". I had just this morning created a list of things that she had run away from in our relationship - kind of ironic. It is almost like she is afraid of any confrontations or the possibility of things not going her way.

With our situation, I see her with the great job that she has, and she loves working there, but all of a sudden they are going to move her job to another state. So instead of confronting the issues that she has in our marriage she decides that the job is an "easier" place and less confrontational, so she thinks that is the easy way to go.

 

Does this make sense? and since she is seeing our counselor tomorrow, and I am not seeing him until Wednesday, should I call the counselor and pass this info to him, as it has not come up before?

[capt601]

One more question for tonight. Dealing with marraige counseling, what is the usual number of times that you go each week? Does it vary with each situation? We have been typically going once each per week, along with usually going once together also. I seem to think that my wife needs to go a couple times a week, as the counselor wants to focus on her and her feelings (or lack of) right now. The counselor has not said anything about her going more often, shoudl I bring this up? As I do not, and don;t think I can handle this to go on forever!

[Ladyjane14]

I understand about getting her emotional needs taken care of, but only if I can see any willingness on her part.

 

Once you get a bit further into the information, you'll see that you don't get to qualify your Plan A based on your wife's participation. It's because your wife is not participating constructively in the relationship that Plan A is even necessary.

 

The idea is that her "love bank / love tank" is EMPTY. Therefore, she has nothing to give back to the relationship until the bank/tank is filled.

 

One other thought for you.... In a loving relationship, and not including drastic measures such as Plan B which involves 'no contact', ENs should ALWAYS be fulfilled and never withheld punitively. There are other ways that a person can make their point without resorting to withholding ENs. Good communication springs to mind.

 

Once a week in therapy should be fine. Rome wasn't built in a day, and it takes time to absorb the new ideas presented. Have patience.

[Zetter]

Cap, I am feeling the same things you are, specifically "how long do you wait" and under what circumstances. My wife has asked that we date other people and give it time. I'm in Europe for up to 3 months for work, and let me tell you it is no easier being away. I wish it was, and was hoping it was, but it aint. I got fed up with the BS one night and told her I needed more, and she replied "what do you want from me? you are freaking out after 4 days of being gone? How can we work on our friendship if you keep freaking out?" My feeling is that if she is worth it, and I am seriously questioning if I want to be with someone who would do this, then I am going to go along with it for the months I'm gone and one more when I get back. At some point it has to end, or it will go on forever because she has me right where she wants me, and the control is all hers. And while I recognize it, and it isn't right, I guess I'm hoping that she gets the sense of her freedom back and can see that she can keep that freedom in our marriage. Which was part of the issue to begin with, to be honest. All of my words at this point to her are bound to fail, and so I don't try to bring up heavy issues, just be caring, supportive, and there for her if I can. Which is probably Plan A, which I still have to read. I guess I'm hoping that there is still good in Darth Vader. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment and could be setting myself up to fail, but I figure I've gone this far, I might as well see how it turns out without ending it myself.

[Ladyjane14]

Zetter, I just don't agree with married people "dating" other people.....not under ANY circumstances. Maybe I'm showing my age.

[bkz]

How long is this going to take for her? That is one of the things that is driving me crazy! How long do I wait? I want to wait and give her time to figure things out in her head, but I also see it not being fair to me to have to suffer through all of this. the counselor has said that she has not had the opportunity to live her own life and has always been living her life with sacrifices because of me. So do I give her a chance to sort things out in her mind and wait for who knows how long or what?

 

thanks all.

 

Like others have said, this is up to you how long you can go on for. How imprortant to you is your marriage? You'll have to sacrafice your own needs and put your feelings aside to a sertain extent for a while if you want to give your marriage a chance.

 

The DB web site is the best info you'll find for saving your marriage and you'll want to get the book Devorce Remody soon as you can if you choose to go that route. Of course this site is awsome and id continue to post here as well.The book Ladyjane recomended "The Five Love Languages" is by far the best book ive read in understanding how to fullfill your spouses emotional needs, basically keeping there love tank full. I fallowed the Devorce Remedy and read it many times and it worked for me. My wife was "numb, confused, lost, not IN LOVE with me", you name it! She was ready to run from our problems like shes done with everything else in her life, rather than deal with it. Divorce was inevatible it seemed. It was the hardest thing ive ever had to go through and YOU'LL be the one doing most of the sacraficing in order to make things work, and its very difficult to say the least.

[bkz]

Zetter, I just don't agree with married people "dating" other people.....not under ANY circumstances. Maybe I'm showing my age.

 

UM, nothing to do with your age I was thinking the same thing. Dating when your still married and trying to work things out seems sorta counter productive to me? And if anything can only cause more confusion to an allready difficult situation.

[bkz]

One more question for tonight. Dealing with marraige counseling, what is the usual number of times that you go each week? Does it vary with each situation? We have been typically going once each per week, along with usually going once together also. I seem to think that my wife needs to go a couple times a week, as the counselor wants to focus on her and her feelings (or lack of) right now. The counselor has not said anything about her going more often, shoudl I bring this up? As I do not, and don;t think I can handle this to go on forever!

 

Trying not to give too much imput at one time here but..... You dont want to try and force or pressure her to do anything she doesnt want to. Me and my wife went to councelling once a week and one on one when we felt like it. Now we're only going once every two weeks and rarely go one on one.

 

Its possible to give her "space" while still living togeather and staying married, just get a life of your own for a while. Its important to be there for her if she needs you but dont stand around waiting. Start doing things for yourself and mabye hang out away from the house a bit, like going to the gym, hang with freinds, just do stuff you enjoy and let her deal with things in her own way. Basically dont let her drag you down, use this time to improve yourself instead.

[Zetter]

I don't agree with dating other people while married, either. It was explained to me that "we aren't married" after we separated and were going to file for divorce. Dating while separated apparently is not too uncommon, as it is a choice for marital status for Match.com, I understand. I guess my thinking was along the lines of "it's not like she can leave me for another guy." That's already been done. I'm either real understanding, real stupid, real hopeful, or real insecure. Probably an unhealthy combination of all of the above.