bkz Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 Zetter, I wasnt trying to be judgmental just speeking generally as all of our sitches are differant and I only hope the best for you in yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author capt601 Posted November 16, 2005 Author Share Posted November 16, 2005 I agree with everyone in that I should nto pressure her. It is hard but I am trying. one more thing to add to everything right now. At the end of last year she had lost her job and after a few weeks got this job that she is currently at. It was pretty tough at first, but she survived. In the spring I noticed that she was starting to alwasy have a couple of glasses of wine everynight. This was not normal for her, she would usually only drink on the weekends and then only a few. Well I kind of kept track of it and it really was every night. I brought it up and she of course denied drinking everynight, but I knew differently as I was keeping tabs because I was concerned. The reason I was concerned was that her father has a history of having a drinking problem - mainly due to my wifes mother, his wife passing away. I have always seen in her a tendency to go to alcohol when she has problems. I know that we all enjoy our drinks, but not too an excess. Well , I just returned home from a trip I was on and was looking through one of her drawers, as I am just making sure there is not another man. And I found a bottle of Vodka hidden in the back of one of the drawers. this concerns me because I have already seen at least 4 bottles of vodka be emptied at our house just over the past few weeks. She says she doesn;t have a problem but I really think she is just making excuses and doesn;t realize it with everything going on right now. I also found an empty bottle of cranberrry juice in the trash, that I know she is mixing in with the vodka. Do I confront her on this? I am seeing the counselor tomorrow morning and will also discuss with him. thanks all, you really are a big support and vent. Link to post Share on other sites
Author capt601 Posted November 17, 2005 Author Share Posted November 17, 2005 went to the counselor this morning. I told him that I did not think that the "giving her sapce" thing was working. It was just an excuse for her to cover up other problems that she was not willing to face head on. He did agree, which I was surprised. He recommended me doing just little things to see her reaction and kind of catch her off guard. Like just go up to her and give her a peck on the cheek or just touch her shoulder. If she says why are youdoing that, I am just to say "because I love you and want you to know, and that I want you to kow my feelings and that I can express them to you." we'll see how it works. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted November 17, 2005 Share Posted November 17, 2005 I can bet she is having an affair with someone from her work place (possibly her boss) who is married. She is hoping to move to the other state and be with him, but is also not sure whether he is going to divorce his wife. Don't forget she LIED to you about the contract! She is probably seeing him only during work hours, because he can't go out otherwise. You don't say "I am not sure about our marriage, I am confused" after 7 years. If she were not sure, she wouldn't have told you that. If she simply wanted to move away, she would use the occasion at work to do it and not discuss it as a marital aspect. If she were unhappy with the marriage because you're being a lousy husband, she would've been angry with you. She is not sure because she depends on someone else. He will decide if your marriage will be saved or divorced. Link to post Share on other sites
Hangnail Posted November 17, 2005 Share Posted November 17, 2005 I don't agree with dating other people while married, either. How noble. Too bad more people don't think this way. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted November 17, 2005 Share Posted November 17, 2005 Hey capt - did you discuss the alcohol situation with the counselor? Did he have any comments on that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author capt601 Posted November 17, 2005 Author Share Posted November 17, 2005 yes I did. he did not seem to think that it was a problem. that it was just a temporary thing for her and it was helpin gher to relax. He didn't see her as drinking too much. I disagreed completely with him. he said to bring it up in a light way, by joking about the drinking and how I thought she was drinking too much, even though she wasn't, just to see her reaction. I did that and she didn't say anything. But later in teh night last night we had a long converstion and I borught up the whole situation with her and she couldn;t say anything. I told her I was concerned adn that with her being in a weak emotional state, I did not want it to become a problem for her. I know someone mentioned that she was having an affair with her boss, teh funny thing is that both of her two bosses are gay. I erally don;t think there is someone else, but I will be honest, it is still in the back of my mind. WE also talked about her moving to the other city with the job. She said she wants to do it and needs to do it to feel independent for once in her life.But she also says that she wants to go to counseling to see if she can figure out why. I am not really sure if she means it or not. I asked her how long she was planning on staying away. Seh said she wanted 6 months, and that she thinks that she will come back. I just feel like this is the end and that Iwon;t stand a chance. I don't want to give up but I just don't see the good in being separated for 6 months how it will help our relationship and communication issues. She says she is just going up there for work, as I told her it concerns me that she says she wants to be independent for 6 months, but still be married. How does that work? Has anyone else doen this? and has it worked? Link to post Share on other sites
elijahBailey Posted November 18, 2005 Share Posted November 18, 2005 I know someone mentioned that she was having an affair with her boss, teh funny thing is that both of her two bosses are gay. I agree with that someone. And, btw, how d'ya know them 2 are gay? Because she told ya? Link to post Share on other sites
trickynj99 Posted November 18, 2005 Share Posted November 18, 2005 "I need space" is double-speak for "I'm prioritizing myself right now, with no immediate plans on prioritizing YOU or our marriage". The above quote was from one of Ladyjayne's posts earlier on this thread...i am soon to be in separation land with you. I have got ALL the same comments from my wife.. all i beleive i can do is hang in and you the same..there is NO SET TIME LIMIT!!!! even if you agree on a time limit, it is only real if you act on it so why bother worrying about how long at some point in time, either your wife on her own decides she wants to "TRY" to reconnect with you or you will give up...you are giving her the "Space" she wants so why would she give up...in the meantime there is always the risk of big fight because of all the hurt and anger i'm sure you are feeling. i wanted to simply say in those cold hard facts you are not alone and i'm sure lots of people care about you and as long as you are honest with yourself and grow through this period then hopefully you will get to a better place...with or without your wife..my situation is complicated by children as well which only ratchets up the guilt and hurt but i am trying to live by the simple concept of doing my best... seems you are too and you should hold your head up high Link to post Share on other sites
elijahBailey Posted November 19, 2005 Share Posted November 19, 2005 "I need space" is double-speak for "I'm prioritizing myself right now, with no immediate plans on prioritizing YOU or our marriage". Agreed. It also usually means she's got someone else on the side. Preposterous as it sounds, a woman doesn't usually leave her current comfort zone unless she's got another one set up elsewhere. A comfort zone for a woman usually means she's emotionally taken care of by a guy. If it's not you, it could be someone else. I could be wrong, but this is just my POV. good luck to the OP. Link to post Share on other sites
Author capt601 Posted November 23, 2005 Author Share Posted November 23, 2005 Well, I talked I had the talk with my wife last night. I told her that if she decided to move to the other city than she was deciding that her job was more important than our marriage. I told her that if she did this that I would not be able to do anything besides file for divorce. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I feel that she would just be walking all over me and playing me like a fool if I just let her move and sort things out for six months. I told her that I wanted to work on everything together and want her to stay here with me and keep our marriage going. It is really strange to me because I really did not see anything really wrong with our marriage. Just the usual of getting to comfortable with each other and not always going "out of the way" for love. But overall, we have a great relationship. She was very shocked when i told her this last night. I believe she thought that I would just let her go and I would sit back and wait for her. i guess I will just wait and see. I really don'twant to lose her, but hse just seems so distant right now. Even her father feels there is something else going on, but we jsut cannot figure it out. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted November 23, 2005 Share Posted November 23, 2005 Pretty smooth on your part, if you ask me. Way to use reverse psychology. Link to post Share on other sites
elijahBailey Posted November 23, 2005 Share Posted November 23, 2005 She'll walk, and that's when you'll know. Ultimatums don't help in situations like these. But I'd do the same thing because no man should be a fu(king pushover. At least she'll have some respect for you. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author capt601 Posted November 23, 2005 Author Share Posted November 23, 2005 She keeps saying that she really thinks that the time apart will help her, but it does not make sense! Why would she not want to try to make things work here? What kind of woman says she needs to have her independence for 6 months and say she is still married, and leave her husband for a job and another city? I really don;t believe there is someone else, but hey maybe I am the fool! I really feel like I will be the fool if I let her go, even though we discussed and she agreed to certain stipulations with this all. She says I can come up and visit her, and that she will come back to visit me a couple of times a month. could a separation really work or am I just being played a sucker? Link to post Share on other sites
elijahBailey Posted November 24, 2005 Share Posted November 24, 2005 She keeps saying that she really thinks that the time apart will help her, but it does not make sense! Why would she not want to try to make things work here? What kind of woman says she needs to have her independence for 6 months and say she is still married, and leave her husband for a job and another city? someone who has no feelings for you no more. I really don;t believe there is someone else, but hey maybe I am the fool! would you bet your bank? could a separation really work or am I just being played a sucker? it's your call. Link to post Share on other sites
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