When you date someone briefly and they fall off. Did it ever work out?

[harnold]

To make a long story short, met a girl from my gym who had SUPER high interest in me.  She was very much initiating every conversation, bragging to all her friends about me, very much complimented me all the time, "couldn't believe I was hanging out with her", etc.  We hung out and hooked up, and things were fine for a few days after that.  She ended up flaking on our next date, then she got sick and missed a week of gym and work, and during this time frame the vibe changed.  She went from being very much about it, to lukewarm, and things just ended up fizzling out.  We tried to make dates a couple more times, and she flaked again... the first time she tried to reschedule, the second time she made no such effort, so I left it at that.  Its clear her interest is way down, and it doesn't feel right for me to try to set up another date.  I left the ball in her court, hoping shed reach out, but its been 2 weeks and nothing.  I imagine thats that.  We dated about a month before things fizzled out.  What shocking is how suddenly it all happened.  I immediately picked up on the lower interest following her very flake, and it was just a slow spiral down after that.

 

Now, there are probably a million reasons this could have happened.  Possibly an ex.  Maybe it was me.  I will say she was a very insecure/shy girl around me, and I possibly went out of my way to validate her and make her feel 'normal' so she wouldn't be so f***ing awkward around me.  I believe I overdid it and that part of the mystery kind of wore off when I showed her my soft side.  I didnt do anything needy or supplicatory, nor did I chase her, but I was very nice.  People might call her immature for this, but I really can't blame her.  Im in pretty shape and a bit aloof at the gym, and I know that quite a few girls there have expressed interest in me.  I can totally get that she built up this image of me and once the mystery vanished and I became 'too nice too fast', the mystery vanished.  It is what it is.

 

Now onto my main question.  For some reason Im quite bothered by this situation.  I realize its time to move on, but Id like to retain hope that down the line there could still be some spark that pulls us towards hanging out again and seeing where things go... especially since we always see each other at the gym.  As of now I'm just staying in my own lane and she appears to be doing the same, but with that said... for those who've been in a situation like this where things started out then fizzled out... did they ever pick back up again?  Just curious to hear anecdotes from others in the thread, or any input just in general.

Edited March 1 by harnold

[ExpatInItaly]

27 minutes ago, harnold said:

I can totally get that she built up this image of me and once the mystery vanished and I became 'too nice too fast', the mystery vanished

I strongly doubt this. 

That's not really how we women think. If we are actually into a guy, him being nice isn't repellent. Where did you get this idea? Unless you were being overly needy or suffocatingly sweet, reciprocting interesting and being kind is going to generally work in your favour. 

There might have been something else that turned her off, or yes, she might be seeing someone else or an ex came back. 

27 minutes ago, harnold said:

for those who've been in a situation like this where things started out then fizzled out... did they ever pick back up again?

Not personally, no, but I have seen this happen with friends countless times. I can't really think of an occasion in which the two parties wound up together longer-term. When someone lets a fledgling relationship fizzle, well, their genuine interest isn't usually high enough to begin with. 

Edited March 1 by ExpatInItaly

[harnold]

52 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Not personally, no, but I have seen this happen with friends countless times

So you've seen it pick back up again, only to fizzle out eventually?

 

52 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I strongly doubt this. 

That's not really how we women think. If we are actually into a guy, him being nice isn't repellent. Where did you get this idea? Unless you were being overly needy or suffocatingly sweet, reciprocting interesting and being kind is going to generally work in your favour. 

Perhaps I'm not explaining it correctly.  I definitely wasn't suffocatingly sweet, I just kinda tried to reciprocate the energy she was bringing.  But I have heard this from numerous friends of mine as being a possibility... aka once the girl felt fully validated by me, she had nothing left to chase.  Maybe some other guy occupies her mind now as the forbidden fruit or whatever.  FWIW she just turned 21 so still pretty young, maybe this applies more to younger females than older/more mature ones? Additionally, I got the sense that her ex was very manipulative and treated her poorly, so is it possible she's just one of those girls that subsonsciously seeks that kind of treatment without knowing it?

 

(and yes ofc there is always the possibility I said/did something that just rubbed her the wrong way, but I genuinely can't think of anything despite my best attempts that would have done that.  In fact, the very last comment she made when we were hanging out in my car before she began flaking the next day was "you are seriously so f*cking hot" - which isn't a comment you make to someone who just offended you etc imo)

52 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

When someone lets a fledgling relationship fizzle, well, their genuine interest isn't usually high enough to begin with. 

Thats why it throws me off.  Her interest was objectively super high, and I just wonder what the catalyst for such a drop off could have been.  At the very least so I know going forward what I should do differently in future relationships.  In the past Ive only seen such extreme drop-offs occur when an ex/other dude came back into the picture

Edited March 1 by harnold

[Acacia98]

In my experience, if a good relationship starts after initially fizzling out, it's usually in a completely different set of circumstances from what you describe. The interested parties tend to both be stable and consistent (neither is flakey). So I don't expect it to happen in your situation.

For one, she was too extreme in her display of interest in the beginning. What I mean to say is why on earth was she bragging about you to her friends? What was there to brag about when you barely knew each other and had not yet dated?

You should definitely date women who show an interest in you. But it's important to remember there are normal levels of interest and then there's an abnormal show of interest that has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with whatever her present whims happen to be. The moment those whims fade, she'll lose interest in you and start gushing about some other random guy.

Edited March 1 by Acacia98

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, harnold said:

So you've seen it pick back up again, only to fizzle out eventually?

Yes, exactly. 

4 minutes ago, harnold said:

Perhaps I'm not explaining it correctly.  I definitely wasn't suffocatingly sweet, I just kinda tried to reciprocate the energy she was bringing

You explained it correctly, and that was my point: you weren't over-the-top, so it is very unlikley that you reciprocating interest turned her off. 

5 minutes ago, harnold said:

aka once the girl felt fully validated by me, she had nothing left to chase.

Again, this is my point: if that's the case, she wasn't truly interested in you as a person to begin with. 

6 minutes ago, harnold said:

FWIW she just turned 21 so still pretty young,

I was once a 21-year-old woman, harnold. While they're not the most mature lot, I can't think of a time when I really liked a guy (even at that age) and then suddenly lost interest when I realized he was interested, too. 

7 minutes ago, harnold said:

I just wonder what the catalyst for such a drop off could have been.  At the very least so I know going forward what I should do differently in future relationships.

Based on the opinion of a girl you went out with just a few times? Why would you change anything when she barely knew you, and isn't the be-all and end-all of what women want? You're assigning too much importance to what she thinks of you. 

10 minutes ago, harnold said:

In the past Ive only seen such extreme drop-offs occur when an ex/other dude came back into the picture

This is probably what happened. Someone else has her interest now. 

It doens't mean you necessarily did anything wrong. She just wasn't feeling it as much as you thought. 

[harnold]

2 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

In my experience, if a good relationship starts after initially fizzling out, it's usually in a completely different set of circumstances from what you describe. The interested parties tend to both be stable and consistent (neither is flakey). So I don't expect it to happen in your situation.

For one, she was too extreme in her display of interest in the beginning. What I mean to say is why on earth was she bragging about you to her friends? What was there to brag about when you barely knew each other and had not yet dated?

You should definitely date women who show an interest in you. But it's important to remember there are normal levels of interest and then there's an abnormal show of interest that has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with whatever her present whims happen to be. The moment those whims fade, she'll lose interest in you and start gushing about some other random guy.

 

 

What set of circumstances is that?

 

And I actually 100% agree with the "extreme-ness" of her interest.  At the time, I took her 'bragging' about me as kind of like a confidence booster - like "damn, im the sh*t" kinda thing.  As I said earlier (and hopefully this doesn't come off as cocky), I am in very good shape, and I know there are many girls into me at my gym, so I figured this was her way of patting herself on the back or w/e... like an ego boost of sorts.  Again, hope that doesn't come off cocky.  BUT with all that said, looking back on most of the relationships Ive had that started with extreme high interest / clinginess, I always found out later that said girls were fresh out of a relationship, hurting a bit, and in reality the high interest had less to do with me rather than with her just finding an outlet to pour her emotions into.  What do you think about that?

 

 

"there are normal levels of interest and then there's an abnormal show of interest that has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with whatever her present whims happen to be. The moment those whims fade, she'll lose interest in you and start gushing about some other random guy."

Can you elaborate on this? What causes these whims?

[harnold]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, exactly. 

You explained it correctly, and that was my point: you weren't over-the-top, so it is very unlikley that you reciprocating interest turned her off. 

Again, this is my point: if that's the case, she wasn't truly interested in you as a person to begin with. 

I was once a 21-year-old woman, harnold. While they're not the most mature lot, I can't think of a time when I really liked a guy (even at that age) and then suddenly lost interest when I realized he was interested, too. 

Based on the opinion of a girl you went out with just a few times? Why would you change anything when she barely knew you, and isn't the be-all and end-all of what women want? You're assigning too much importance to what she thinks of you. 

This is probably what happened. Someone else has her interest now. 

It doens't mean you necessarily did anything wrong. She just wasn't feeling it as much as you thought. 

Thanks.  I hope you didnt take offense at my 21 year old comment.  Ive been posting on this board for a while now and recognize your user handle, and I always appreciate you chiming in over the years.

 

" if that's the case, she wasn't truly interested in you as a person to begin with. "

I guess at the end of the day, regardless of her physical attraction to me, and whether the validation part is true or not, that part must be true.  And now that you mention it, she rarely did talk about anything else except how attractive I was, or overly flirty/sexual comments... at least initially.  It was only after the vibe was starting to change that she became capable of having normal small talk conversation (and the convos became much less focused on physical/sexual stuff).

 

At least I can take solace in the fact that she's probably with someone else and that there's nothing I could have done to sway this.  I guess it is what it is.  Idk why it bothers me so much given the fact we only hung out a few times, in fact there was another girl I was hanging out with recently who I had a much better and deeper connection with and yet I could care less about that particular relationship having ended.  Go figure.

[FredEire]

4 hours ago, harnold said:

Thanks.  I hope you didnt take offense at my 21 year old comment.  Ive been posting on this board for a while now and recognize your user handle, and I always appreciate you chiming in over the years.

 

" if that's the case, she wasn't truly interested in you as a person to begin with. "

I guess at the end of the day, regardless of her physical attraction to me, and whether the validation part is true or not, that part must be true.  And now that you mention it, she rarely did talk about anything else except how attractive I was, or overly flirty/sexual comments... at least initially.  It was only after the vibe was starting to change that she became capable of having normal small talk conversation (and the convos became much less focused on physical/sexual stuff).

 

At least I can take solace in the fact that she's probably with someone else and that there's nothing I could have done to sway this.  I guess it is what it is.  Idk why it bothers me so much given the fact we only hung out a few times, in fact there was another girl I was hanging out with recently who I had a much better and deeper connection with and yet I could care less about that particular relationship having ended.  Go figure.

It seems she was only half interested and used the thing that you too had for a bit of a thrill/self-esteem boost.

As others have said I don't think the problem is that you showed interest. The whole "nice guy" thing is a bit of a myth. Women don't like weak passive (which is what people are usually really thinking of when they say "nice") men but they do like strong driven men who are also nice and polite. Being aloof will get you nowhere, I learned that when I got a bit older.

It bothers you because you had her interest and then you lost it and it drives you crazy because it leaves you wondering why and wanting to win her back, whereas the other girl you mentioned was interested and available. It's stupid and frustrating but that's the paradox of dating. You want what you can't have.

Edited March 1 by FredEire

[Wiseman2]

 It seems like after you hung out and hooked up, she completely lost interest or regrets it. Add to this acting "aloof" at the gym confirmed for her that she probably just wants to wash her hands of the whole thing and forget it happened.  Step back, be polite if you run into her but it's probably time to move on. 

[harnold]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 It seems like after you hung out and hooked up, she completely lost interest or regrets it. Add to this acting "aloof" at the gym confirmed for her that she probably just wants to wash her hands of the whole thing and forget it happened.  Step back, be polite if you run into her but it's probably time to move on. 

Right.  My question is just why she lost interest.  Regret is another option I was considering but that would happen pretty instantly after the hookup wouldn't it? In this case she was still very much about it even after the hookup, and people at the gym would often comment to me 'damn, that girl really likes you' when seeing us together at gym even after said hookup.

 

Re the whole being aloof thing, just to clarify.  I meant I'm aloof in general at the gym.  I wasn't to her after we started talking, and neither was she (she was always following me and trying to be in my presence).  Except the last time I saw her where we both stayed in our lanes outside of a quick 'hi'.  It just kills me that I can't pinpoint why the drop-off happened (Im sure part of the reason being because I subconsciously hope that if I know the reason, I can 'fix' it going forward)

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, harnold said:

Right.  My question is just why she lost interest.

We can't answer that for you, we aren't mind readers.  But the only thing you need to know is that she did lose interest.  I'm not sure why you would think there's potential here for another chance.  She isn't interested in you so just keep your dignity intact and move on.

[smackie9]

I used to do that when I was a teenager. Go in full force for about two weeks, then I baled. There's a song called chewing gum...and it pretty much sums things up. The flavor (excitement) lost it's flavor. I quickly moved onto the next experience. 

Edited March 1 by smackie9

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, harnold said:

 My question is just why she lost interest.

Nobody but her can tell you that. 

It's best not to get hung up on questions you will probably never have a clear answer to. 

[NuevoYorko]

How long were you actually dating?  Or were you ever really dating?  "Hung out and hooked up" doesn't give much information.  I'm just left with the sense that nothing much happened between you and, whatever actually did happen, did not inspire her to want more of it.  

 

[basil67]

18 hours ago, harnold said:

I believe I overdid it and that part of the mystery kind of wore off when I showed her my soft side.  I didnt do anything needy or supplicatory, nor did I chase her, but I was very nice.  People might call her immature for this, but I really can't blame her.

I'm old and in all my years, and the girls/women I've spoken to, none of them have ever expressed a desire for mystery in a man.  Most women I've known want someone who's kind, open and friendly, so I think you did nothing wrong - it just wasn't to be.    I feel like this idea of mystery has come from some dating guru as a way to sell more books.   

I want to tell you to be 'normal' to her at the gym but your normal is 'aloof' so I feel it could make things a bit awkward and lessen your chance of her getting any attraction back.   May I ask why you're aloof at the gym?  Is it a disguise for insecurity or is it the opposite and you think you're above everyone else?  Either way, it's an odd way to put yourself forward 

Edited March 1 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

That's confusing. You could try to figure out what flew up her butt until she saw you in a paper dress doing P90X in the park at 5 AM in the morning, but really, when it comes down to it, she made the choice to back out... and then seemingly used the excuse of that illness to test you on pulling back, and when you failed she decided you weren't that guy she thought you were, then backed out.

She made all the calls, now you're going to move onto someone you have a lot better of a connection with...  and yes, it really *IS* that simple and a good way to let the ghost of her past to stay stuck in the toilet.

[Weezy1973]

She lost interest because she lost interest. The last thing you want to do is try to figure it out and change who you are for the sake of some random person. Be yourself and let the chips fall where they may.

[harnold]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'm old and in all my years, and the girls/women I've spoken to, none of them have ever expressed a desire for mystery in a man.  Most women I've known want someone who's kind, open and friendly, so I think you did nothing wrong - it just wasn't to be.    I feel like this idea of mystery has come from some dating guru as a way to sell more books.   

I want to tell you to be 'normal' to her at the gym but your normal is 'aloof' so I feel it could make things a bit awkward and lessen your chance of her getting any attraction back.   May I ask why you're aloof at the gym?  Is it a disguise for insecurity or is it the opposite and you think you're above everyone else?  Either way, it's an odd way to put yourself forward 

Thanks.  Neither.  Im just very to myself and focused on my workout.  Lot of people have told me they thought I was an a**h*** before they knew me, but when they finally talked to me they're all surprised to see I'm not at all. I guess kind of like how many girls have a "resting b**** face" but are actually super cool to talk to once you do.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, harnold said:

Thanks.  Neither.  Im just very to myself and focused on my workout.  Lot of people have told me they thought I was an a**h*** before they knew me, but when they finally talked to me they're all surprised to see I'm not at all. I guess kind of like how many girls have a "resting b**** face" but are actually super cool to talk to once you do.

Ah, so you're not aloof - you're focused!  That's OK

[Lotsgoingon]

She ended up flaking on our next date, then she got sick and missed a week of gym and work, and during this time frame the vibe changed.

Dude, she "got sick" because she wanted to avoid you---just like every day in the world, workers call in sick when for whatever reason they decide that they just don't want to go in and deal with a particular hassle that day.

Plot problem #2. Your character lacks any motivation--the script writer needs to go back and revise. In other words, you seem to have gotten interested in her because she was interested in you. That’s a terrible reason for getting involved with someone. Heck you don’t know if they’re mentally unstable or what.

Plot problem #3: You missed a huge sign that she had extremely low esteem. She was very much initiating every conversation, bragging to all her friends about me, very much complimented me all the time, "couldn't believe I was hanging out with her", etc. There are about four red flags in that one sentence. Can't believe you were hanging out with her? Ocean bottom level of self esteem. Bragging about you to her friends? What is she, 13!?

Sounds like shortly before meeting you she got teased and embarrassed by her gf's for not dating attractive guys or for not being forward with attractive guys. She found you attractive and approached you and you foolishly went along and she got with you. She told the story to her gfs--mission accomplished. She had no further use of you. And didn’t believe you would like her anyway.

And yet, you're still thinking about her. The ultimate conclusion: she realized you were a patsy, that you would go along with her lead despite no real interest in her. And double irony: I bet you got on this ride because secretly you looked down on her and thought she would be an easy target.

 

 

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

She ended up flaking on our next date, then she got sick and missed a week of gym and work, and during this time frame the vibe changed.

Dude, she "got sick" because she wanted to avoid you---just like every day in the world, workers call in sick when for whatever reason they decide that they just don't want to go in and deal with a particular hassle that day.

Plot problem #2. Your character lacks any motivation--the script writer needs to go back and revise. In other words, you seem to have gotten interested in her because she was interested in you. That’s a terrible reason for getting involved with someone. Heck you don’t know if they’re mentally unstable or what.

Plot problem #3: You missed a huge sign that she had extremely low esteem. She was very much initiating every conversation, bragging to all her friends about me, very much complimented me all the time, "couldn't believe I was hanging out with her", etc. There are about four red flags in that one sentence. Can't believe you were hanging out with her? Ocean bottom level of self esteem. Bragging about you to her friends? What is she, 13!?

Sounds like shortly before meeting you she got teased and embarrassed by her gf's for not dating attractive guys or for not being forward with attractive guys. She found you attractive and approached you and you foolishly went along and she got with you. She told the story to her gfs--mission accomplished. She had no further use of you. And didn’t believe you would like her anyway.

And yet, you're still thinking about her. The ultimate conclusion: she realized you were a patsy, that you would go along with her lead despite no real interest in her. And double irony: I bet you got on this ride because secretly you looked down on her and thought she would be an easy target.

 

 

Yep low self-esteem is so difficult to deal with because whatever setback or issue comes up, it's always because you don't like her and would rather be with other women, even if that couldn't be further from the truth.

[harnold]

10 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

She ended up flaking on our next date, then she got sick and missed a week of gym and work, and during this time frame the vibe changed.

Dude, she "got sick" because she wanted to avoid you---just like every day in the world, workers call in sick when for whatever reason they decide that they just don't want to go in and deal with a particular hassle that day.

Plot problem #2. Your character lacks any motivation--the script writer needs to go back and revise. In other words, you seem to have gotten interested in her because she was interested in you. That’s a terrible reason for getting involved with someone. Heck you don’t know if they’re mentally unstable or what.

Plot problem #3: You missed a huge sign that she had extremely low esteem. She was very much initiating every conversation, bragging to all her friends about me, very much complimented me all the time, "couldn't believe I was hanging out with her", etc. There are about four red flags in that one sentence. Can't believe you were hanging out with her? Ocean bottom level of self esteem. Bragging about you to her friends? What is she, 13!?

Sounds like shortly before meeting you she got teased and embarrassed by her gf's for not dating attractive guys or for not being forward with attractive guys. She found you attractive and approached you and you foolishly went along and she got with you. She told the story to her gfs--mission accomplished. She had no further use of you. And didn’t believe you would like her anyway.

And yet, you're still thinking about her. The ultimate conclusion: she realized you were a patsy, that you would go along with her lead despite no real interest in her. And double irony: I bet you got on this ride because secretly you looked down on her and thought she would be an easy target.

 

 

Oh boy.  I do appreciate the response, but I can't say thats all accurate.

 

She did get sick. She had an athletic competition that week and she missed it.  And when I finally saw her, she had a pretty nasty cough that can't be faked.  Im fully aware of the gamut of fake excuses that exist for someone to bail (including sick, hospitalization, all that stuff etc), and this doesn't excuse her last few flakes, but the sickness one was legit.

 

And to your point about me being interested only because she was interested... thats not true.  We had a mutual friend at the gym, and one day I asked him about her... told him I found her very attractive, not just her looks but her work ethic.  Figured it would be in confidence but lo and behold he went and spilled the beans to her.  It worked out because he told me she was likewise very interested and wanted me to approach her, so I did.  But my interest was definitely there before.  I definitely didnt look down on her at all... as a big fitness guy, Im really attracted to girls who lift as seriously as me, and it was easy to see how passionate about it she was.

 

That said, I will say that her super high level of interest did endear me towards her all the moreso... Im with you on that.  I guess it just felt good being pursued like that, feeling special and whatnot (specifically by someone youre interested in, as opposed to being chased by someone you couldn't care less about which is a totally diff vibe).  I also did see the signs of the low self esteem but kinda didnt think much of it. She didnt seem jealous which is usually the biggest red flag to watch for with low self esteem girls, so idk. I guess I just found it more 'odd' than anything else, and didnt really think too far down the line that it could have any ramifications.  But like you said, I do partly wonder if she did use me as a self esteem booster.  I guess I'll never know.

Edited March 4 by harnold