symbol Posted November 12, 2005 Share Posted November 12, 2005 A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend of 7 1/2 years broke up with me. We've been living in two different cities for the pat 2 1/2 years and we are both working really hard to get phds. It has been really a rough time, especially for me, because I had problems with my exams and I wasn't even sure if I wanted to get a phd or not. He was always very encouraging and helpful and was always there for me when I needed him. But my pathetic mood went on for about 2 years, so I guess he was just too exhausted after a while. Recently I passed my exams and he brought up this breaking up issue. He says that I am no longer the happy, cheerful woman I used to be and that I happen to take everything on the negative side and he just doesn't know if he wants to live a life like that. I told him that I also don't want to live like this and that I sincerely want to change (and this is true - I even got some self-help books on to take stuff on the lighter side and maintain a happier life) but it seems that he doesn't believe me. I tried to talk with him several times on the phone, he just says that he has made up his mind, he is much happier this way and if there is any way we can be together again, it would only be when he misses me. He says that he doesn't long to be with me as he used to and that he can't make neither me nor himself happy this way. I also told him that I wanted to see him in person, but he says that he is too busy to do that, and even if I go to where he lives, he would not be able to spend all his time with me, and that would actually make things worse. It has been almost a week since I last called him on the phone. I just want to give him and myself some time. I am trying to get over the pain, but I love him so much and we have had a beautiful relationship for more than 7 years, it hurts a lot. I wonder if what I am doing now -avoiding contact- is the right thing or not. Any ideas are appreciated. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
SMHappyface Posted November 12, 2005 Share Posted November 12, 2005 You situation sounds very similar to my own, except I only had about 3 years on the docket. In my case I had changed to a negative person due to work and other stress, and within weeks of us getting engaged, he broke it off after a particularily ugly fight. Its been three weeks - he did come by to visit a couple days ago and told me that he is enjoying his freedom and that everything is still up in the air. He said the whole "I want space to see if I miss you" even though for years he was the most devoted boyfriend. In a day he changed. I can't promise you a happy ever after, but I can promise you will someday be happy. If you want to prove to him you are the person you say you are, don't pester him to talk and how much you miss him, nothing is more draining. Get some new hobbies, meet some new people, not only go on with life, LIVE life. Your ex, if he really loves you, will miss you. In the lonely absences, a persons true feelings come out, and if you go no contact, you will be giving him the opportunity to miss you. But if your ex does come back into your life, give him the happy cheerful woman he fell in love with. I know it is so very hard - Last night I wanted to get so very drunk to cut the pain. Right now you need to focus on yourself and become a whole person. If there is any chance for you to get back together with your love, it will have to be on his terms - pushing him will only push him away. Guys are intuitive, they find out information. If his sources give him a good report, you may be well on your way to a reconciliation. I know the feeling - you feel that you need to work it out before he is gone forever. That if he leaves, he will forget you. True love doesn't work like that - it touches your heart and marks it forever. If he truly love(d/s) you, time will make this apparent to him. Blessings to you and know that you are understood by many people. Keep up the positive side as much as you can. Link to post Share on other sites
downcydeguy Posted November 12, 2005 Share Posted November 12, 2005 He's grown apart from you. This is not uncommon with LDRs - which is what you had for the past 2 1/2 years. I'm sure you have changed, just as he has. Stay NC for a little while and see if he contacts you. With you both being in difficult courses, the stress of a LDR can become too big a distraction. Concentrate on your school for now and give him time. It doesn't look too good but nobody knows the future. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author symbol Posted November 13, 2005 Author Share Posted November 13, 2005 Thank you very much for your comments. It feels really good to know that there are people out there who go thru similar things and understand the way I feel. I guess I will go on with no contact for some time. Me and my ex have agreed on seeing each other whenever he finds time in his busy schedule. I will wait until he calls me to tell me that he is coming to town. But then, there is of course the problem of how to talk to him when he comes here. On the phone I always felt like I couldn't "reach" him, like he actually wasn't getting what I was trying to tell him. I hope that this will be different when we talk in person. Again, thanks a lot for the comments. Link to post Share on other sites
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