N/C- different reasons & different degrees version 2

[grace2005]

I've been doing alot of thinking about this no contact rule. I would like to elaborate that no contact is a relative notion. Everyone has different reasons and different degrees of enforcing the no contact policy. Some situations require strict no contact while others may require only reduced contact. I'll explain the different degrees:

 

A. Strict N/C= If your ex broke up with you and they are seeing someone else or if you still have feelings for them then no contact would mean not initiating any contact with them as well as ignoring any contact they might initate with you until you have gotten over them. In this case no contact is to help you heal and get over them.

 

B. Strict N/C until ex initiates contact= If your ex broke up with you and they asked that you not contact them for whatever reason then that means no contact with them at all until they get in touch with you (if they do). They just need space to cool off. If you love them then set them free and give them that space.

 

C. Reduced Contact= If your ex broke up with you and you have initiated contact with them and they don't seem rude or irritable when they talk to you then you can drop the no contact down to reduced contact. This would mean calling maybe once or twice a month. Just make sure you can control your emotions 100% when you call. Don't talk about the past, don't sound depressed or whiny.

 

D. Reduced Contact (ex initiates contact)= If your ex has been initiating contact with you and you still want them back or if you are ok with just being friends for the time being then no contact would mean calling them 1 time for every 3 times they call you. This is just to signal to them that the door is still open.

 

E. Regular Contact (without talking about relationship issues)= If the two of you have reached enough emotional stability then it's ok to have regular contact but don't talk about the relationship or prospects of getting back together. Remember it has to be the ex's idea since it was their idea to break up in the first place. If they bring up topics related to the relationship then that is your opportunity to talk about your feelings.

 

F. No Physical Contact(beyond hugging)= if your ex says she wants to try again and if you still want her back then let her in slowly. Don't jump back into bed right away. It's best to not have any physical contact beyond hugging early on. If for some reason she can't control herself in your presence then apply no contact again. If she calls you, then take the calls but do not see her until the holidays.

 

I just hope that all of you will take a look at your situation and do a careful analysis as to what degree you should exercise the no contact policy. You know the personality of your ex best. Different reasons for breaking up and different situations require different measures of the no policy. Yes I believe no contact should be considered a policy and not a rule.

 

As I have updated everyone at the end of version 1 of this, my ex and I got back together last night. All the details of what happened are on version 1. Although I already suggested to her that we remain friends for a little while longer because reconciliation should happen slowly and naturally. The F option from above is where I am at now. I am going to have a talk with her tomorrow about eliminating physical contact beyond hugging until thanksgiving. I think once she sees I'm serious she'll stop trying to grab me in certain places. If for some reason that doesn't work then it's back to reduced contact by phone or e-mail. No visits until thanksgiving. The reason I am refusing physical contact with her beyond hugging is because I want her to realize that I'm not trying to take advantage of her and that I'm not asking for anything in return after taking her out last night.