After an ugly breakup can we still be friends?

[HotCaliGirl]

My longtime boyfriend and I had an ugly breakup several months ago. Recently we started emailing and I wrote that I wanted nothing more than email exchanged (no phone calls or seeing each other) so there wouldn't be an opportunity to fight/get hurt again and instead to stay in contact and abreast of what's going on with each other's lives - I still feel hurt and it took a long time to get to where I am to feel better.

 

Yesterday he emailed for me to come over to his place Sunday night to watch a movie, adding that is because he is working over the weekend which to me implied that were he not working, we'd be spending the entire weekend together. He used to not work on weekends and my original suspicions of him cheating arose when he had to "go to the office" on superbowl sunday, after which I just lost it and would go through his bank statements and read into everything he said and did looking for signs of infidelity.

 

After thinking for a while, I responded ok to see him Sunday (tomorrow), but I am feeling a little sick in my stomach about it. I wouldn't mind email friends only (sounds like a girlie thing!), and think maybe he's not interested as emails-only but friends in-person, yet I don't want to say no straightup about seeing him either, so I don't know if it's ok and i'm taking things too seriously or what. Any feedback? Is it possible to just be friends after the hell I went through?

 

I think the amount of time we were together makes it hard to just walk away and leave him in the past. Is it possible to become very good friends now or am I setting myself up for more hurt? I don't want to regret missing this opportunity but I don't want to make a bad choice either.

 

The weirdest thing is that we are not bringing up anything from the past even though there was a LOT of unexplained and unfinished "business" so I don't want to go back there again to open a can of worms, unless from someone's experience, it's possible to make a new beginning while not re-visiting the past. I would appreciate your comments and opinions on this...thanks.

[Reckless]

As a general rule I'd say never, ever ever try and stay friends with an ex. Never. Okay, you can if maybe you were friends before and the breakup was by mutual concent and you're both remarried/in relationships and happy. And (s)he's a friend of the family and you have absolutely no feelings for each other and in fact find him physically repulsive now (but still a nice person). And the affair was 40 years ago and your children meet in college - and say 'hey, weren't you mama old 'beau'...' and he smiles leans on his walking stick and says 'yeah' your ma was quite a girl way back when.... "

 

Other than that don't go there.

[HotCaliGirl]

maybe you're right reckless, but it's hard. I'm still hoping he'll apologize for a lot of things and maybe I'm in the process of providing him with the opportunity to do so, or maybe I'll realize I am over him and be able to remain friends - hard to tell, but I can't go on not dating thinking I'm cheating on him, I know I need some kind of something to happen for me to move on for good and maybe by being able to just be friends, I will feel a sense of closure relationship wise. oh well, I'll see what happens...

[downcydeguy]

I'm thinkin this could end poorly. You obviously have not gotten closure and it doesn't sound like that's the reason he's called you over to his place. He must have already broken up with the rebound chick and is hoping to slide back into your life. If you can handle meeting him, do it. Stay calm the whole time and tell him you would really appreciate some answers. Then see what he says. I think you're in for another jab to the heart though. Sorry.

[helena abadi]

I'm thinkin this could end poorly. You obviously have not gotten closure and it doesn't sound like that's the reason he's called you over to his place. He must have already broken up with the rebound chick and is hoping to slide back into your life. If you can handle meeting him, do it. Stay calm the whole time and tell him you would really appreciate some answers. Then see what he says. I think you're in for another jab to the heart though. Sorry.

i agree with downcydeguy. i know you're looking for an apology, but be prepared you might not get it. now now, not ever. sounds as tho you hope you might rekindle something. breaking up can be a looong process of back and forth, rekindled and dashed hopes, lingering attachment etc etc, on both sides.

 

keep your expectations to zero. as for being friends: if both parties have completely got over everything, harbour no anger, and have no romantic hopes for each other at all, it is possible. but i don't think it happens very often at all. when i think about my past boyfriends...there's only one i would want to be friends with, and i haven't seen him for many years. maybe that's why i can entertain the notion!

[HotCaliGirl]

I'm thinkin this could end poorly. You obviously have not gotten closure and it doesn't sound like that's the reason he's called you over to his place. He must have already broken up with the rebound chick and is hoping to slide back into your life. If you can handle meeting him, do it. Stay calm the whole time and tell him you would really appreciate some answers. Then see what he says. I think you're in for another jab to the heart though. Sorry.

well, I think I do have closure, I was ok with being friends via email but now he wants to see me in person, so I'm not sure if that's something I want which is why I'm confused. I don't want to experience any of the hurt I suffered. That' s the thing, I don't want to ask him for answers, I want to put it behind me, unless he volunteers for an apology or explanation of a lot of things.I'm wondering if it's possible to jump to friends and have the ability to put things that happened in the past behind me...I think I might be able to, I think that's my survival mechanism that allows me to move on after sh*t happens in life...just hope the same will happen in this situation...

[HotCaliGirl]

keep your expectations to zero. as for being friends: if both parties have completely got over everything, harbour no anger, and have no romantic hopes for each other at all

wow, that is exactly what I needed to hear - thank you!!!

[kodiak]

HotCaliGirl-

 

I hope my story will help you make a decision. Back in August 2003 i met a wonderfull girl. It was a LDR but it was great. We shared many great memories and many laughs. Sure we had our ups and downs but towards the end of our relationship it got worse. I sabatoged the relationship bc my mind was playing games with me and the demons of a LDR relationship snuck up on me. Needless to say we both loved each other very much when it ended but it wasnt working, so it wasnt a messy break-up( Thats were our situations is different). However i went through all the pain and suffereing that comes along with it. We had minimal conatct, a few phone calls here and there, mostly gone without her or I answering. The last I physically talked to her was Sept 2004. So i went on my life but i missed her dearly. In Dec. 2004 she called me and left me a message, tried calling her back but she never returned my call. In Feb i got a card from her that told me what a great guy i was and that she knew this when she met me but is really realizing it now, etcc. basically a bunch of sappy stuff. So after that i never heard from her until about a month ago, she called me.

 

So to the point im trying to get at..sorry. since last month we have been talking daily, several times. She sent me gifts, cards, pictures, etc. Made every hint that she just might be interested in re-establishing something. She wanted me to come and visit her and at first I was like you and wasnt sure. I debated and debated. Finally i decided to get on a plane and visit her. i got there and things were totally different. She was a different person than the one that was on the phone with me. We had a talk about things and she told me that she doesnt want to be in a relationship right now,etcc..she cried, i cried it was horrible. We left things on great terms and I pack my stuff and came back home. Sure it hurt to see her but I thought atleats the girl of my dreams was back in my life. so i thought.. Anyways I have been home for three days and i havnt heard a word from her. She has ignored my calls, my text, etc... Finally this morning i sent her a text that said i didnt understand why she is ignoring me but she has her reasons and i respect it. I told her that i will always consider her a great friend whether she calls me again or not.

 

It hurts like hell right now and im very cinfused. So Caligril be carefull with your heart and follow what your gut tells you. i dont know you but i dont want you to get burned like i did. Hope this helps

[HotCaliGirl]

i dont want you to get burned like i did. Hope this helps

Thanks for sharing your story and yes, it does help...I wish I had another week to think this through, but in a couple of hours I will be going to a lunch I'm invited to, then in the evening will be heading out to meet with him, all the while changing my mind back and forth. I hate being in this state of limbo, and tomorrow I don't want to wake up with a broken heart all over again.

 

Looks like in your situation she was sappy, lovey and you had the intention of rekindling things. In mine, I am truly hoping to keep it as a friends-only relationship. I think that will help me to move on in my life. It was a sudden break-up so I feel like I am still attached to him on the rare occassion I go out with someone so by keeping him as a friend, it might help me to move on with my life. I just hope that is how things will go. I was ok with emailing only, in my gut I am not ready to see him and don't know if that's a good thing (for me!!! i konw he would like to see me) so I am scared I am doing the wrong thing...

 

At this point I don't want to send an email saying " I can't see you tonight after all " which I was willing to do up until helena abadi's advice to not have any expectations. I think that gives me a lot of strength, to not expect what I wanted - an apology etc. - but will force me to stick to what i am saying I want, which is friends-only, nothing more and I think it might help me to move on in my personal life, which he might think i've already done, but it's been truly a devestating experience....

 

That was lame for your ex to lead you on like that, maybe she was lonely and was imagining things would be ok with you again, when for you it meant taking a flight all the way over to her place, then when you're there, she's like no thank you all over again...geez..hope you can get over that burn.

[kodiak]

Hotcaligirl-

 

All i can tell you is just do what your gut tells you to do. Not your heart. The reason i say this is because your heart will lead you to do things that might not be right because its yoru heart. I wish that i cant take back my trip more than anything else in my life right now. You see I hurt bad right now but more than the hurt, i just am confused. Why did this girl do this to me. I went out there and was nothing but sweet and caring to her. I wish i would have never let her know how i felt because i think thats why she hasnt called me since i have been back. Let me tell you how much this hurts. I mean from a girls point of view how could she just let me leave and cut all contact with me. It would be easier if she would have told me that she doesnt think that we should talk anymore, i would undertstand. Now im stuck here wondering what happened. Its almost like she just totally lost her cell phone or something. I want her to call me. I get alot of opinions from guys but i need some from a girls perspective too, so if you can get the time and read my thread in second chances i would appreciate it. Please i need the help too.

 

Im sorry because i went on and on aboout me, its just that im hurting. Please just make sure you do the right thing. It was great to see her for the first couple days but then all my feelings that i thought were gone came back. dont let this happen to you. I truly thought that i was getting a second chance or atleast i have my ex back in my life. Now im stuck here with absolutely nothing. It hurts that she hasnt called and its just so weird. why? why? why? Should i wait until she contacts me or do i give it a week then call her and put a end to all of this. I was doing great in my life until she popped back in. She came and then left.. Make sure you follow your gut Caligirl. Dont be the sucker like I was..

[HotCaliGirl]

Kodiak, just based on what you've written, without reading your thread just yet, I could say that maybe she was trying to hurt you, or more likely as time went by since your breakup, she was remembering the good things and not thinking about the bad but when she saw you in person, was reminded of the bad and just didn't want to have anything more to do with you having ill feelings about the whole thing to the extent of not caring how it would make you feel should she not provide an explanation or say anything, doing whatever made her feel better which was to get you out of her life again.

 

I've done that in the past, but have come to be more empathetic only after being in the other persons shoes and knowing how that feels like, to be dropped. I would suggest you move on without feeling more pain - easier said than done, but having done what she has to you, I think she feels absolutely nothing for you and doesn't care that you like her.

 

Her correspondence with you was based on a fantasy, not reality, which hit home after she saw you in pereson. she was fantasizing you to be someone else in her mind but when she saw you, the real you, she just wasn't interested all over again, as hard as it is, but that's what it appears to be the case.

[kodiak]

HotCaligirl-

 

Thanks for your quick reply. Although its not what I want to hear, its probably the truth behind all this. Please though when you get a chance read some of post in my thread, just maybe it will give u a little more info on what was going on. The hardest part im having is now that I am home she has been a complete starnger to me. Nothing. However i put closure on it today. I sent her a text saying that whatever her reasons are for ignoring me that i respect them. That if our emotional talk screwed things up that i was sorry and that I had no intentions of feeling that way whe i got out there. I told her that if i knew that it would turn out like this i would have never have picked up the phone back in sept when she called. I told her goodbye and not to be a stranger forever.

 

I understand what you were saying about seeing someone totally different when i got there but i dont get it. I mean why didnt she say something to me then when we had our talk. We got out alot of things and nothing on her part was said. Its like she did this so she could shut the door but not lock it and throw away the key. maybe some guy screwed her over and thats why she took comfort in me in the last month. I hate to think that but maybe thats the case. If so i guess she is not the girl I thought she was. I hope that she truly wanted to see me because she wanted to see me. There are now so many questions I have and i didnt get the closure i need. If she said that i can never love you again or that we will never be togther or that she hated me, it would suck, but then i could know. Meanwhile im sitting her trying to figure out why she popped into my life for a month, then just walked out. HotCaligrl, dont get me wrong we had a great time together when I was there and there wasnt any drama except for that one night. We always had a thing that when we made a promise we pinky sweared. She pinky sweared that we would still talk and that after our talk she realized that she wanted too still. This was the first time that she broke it. Do you think that she will call and if so do I talk to her or let it go? Maybe she is pondering over some thoughts she might be having? I dont know..

[Da_1_n_OnlyN3na]

in a way i guess staying friends with an ex who you reallly didnt want to be with and wanted to get it over with is stupid and anoying.....but if you had an ex who you really loved and broke up cuz of sumthing stupid then its perfectly normal...me and my ex r still friends even after a huge break up ......im telling you i would have liked my bf to have cheated on me then go thru all that ....IT WAS THAT BAD! but it depends on both ppl if they both want to stay friends u noe...

[HotCaliGirl]

in a way i guess staying friends with an ex who you reallly didnt want to be with and wanted to get it over with is stupid and anoying.....but if you had an ex who you really loved and broke up cuz of sumthing stupid then its perfectly normal...me and my ex r still friends even after a huge break up ......im telling you i would have liked my bf to have cheated on me then go thru all that ....IT WAS THAT BAD! but it depends on both ppl if they both want to stay friends u noe...

Thanks for your opinion Da_1_n_OnlyN3na. I went through with it and went to see him. After so many months of hurt and thinking I was over it, a lot of feelings came back seeing him, so I have to be strong to keep it as friends.

 

You're right that it's stupid to remain friends with an ex who you're not into, but in our situation, we have a strong foundation, a lot in common and great long conversations on various topics, so we really enjoy each other's company even if it's not sexual.

 

The problem is that I have to contain myself from getting jealous about his life, and we can't really talk about any dating stuff...like he called me late last night saying that he didn't get a chance to email me all day - in the past i would've been upset and he wouldn't have done that, but now it's like ok, we're just friends so he does't have to stay in touch all the time.

 

Also, if he has plans for Friday night like he mentioned, I am finding out it is hard for me to cope with that. I have to realize and really accept the friend role now and that is a whole new difficult transition I was not anticipating, thinking it was a "done deal", that I was ok with it, so I guess it might end up making a good friendship if I can pass the initial stages of heartache and not get jealous, same with him i guess....

 

i don't know if this is good or bad though...if i were to tell him I'm seeing someone which i'm not, I think he would get upset, same wit him telling me straight out, so this is weird too, like selective friendship where some stuff are still "off topic."... Sure it's ok to be with other people once you've broken up, but it's not easy I guess...

[Kengne]

Hey girl!

 

How long had you been in NC before you started emailing back again?

 

Cuz it sounds to me... if you can't hear abt his dating life... and still get jealous... even after all these mths... then you are not ready to be his friend, and should not to try force it and hope that it will get better with time as you assume the "friend" role.

 

Sure - it WILL get better with time but I think staying in C with him DURING that time will only slow down (as opposed to hasten) the process.

 

I know you have good long conversations and really enjoy each other's company - but guess what hun? You have other friends. You can meet other ppl, whose company you will also enjoy. That alone is no valid reason to be his "friend" when clearly you are still not over him!

 

Why cause yourself stress? Because it seems to me being his friend NOW... will only hurt YOU more in the longrun - not him. I know it SEEMS that staying in C with him will help you move on as its comfortable... but the mere fact that a rush of feelings came over you when you saw him is a HUGE RED FLAG that you are not ready to be friends = not yet.

 

It doesn't MEAN that you can NEVER be friends! It just meants that maybe RIGHT NOW isn't a good time - and you need to take more YOU time to get over him. I strongly suggest NC - but that's just my 2 cents.

 

Good luck!

 

K.

[HotCaliGirl]

Hi Kengne, thanks for your thought provoking response...

How long had you been in NC before you started emailing back again?

It had been about 7 months of NC before emailing again.

 

Cuz it sounds to me... if you can't hear abt his dating life... and still get jealous... even after all these mths... then you are not ready to be his friend, and should not to try force it and hope that it will get better with time as you assume the "friend" role.

I had no idea how hard it would be for me to hear about his dating life. He called me last night, saying that after work this girl who was interested in him called to share her marital problems with him, and that after our breakup he had taken her son snowboarding!!! I couldn't handle it, I got so upset and jealous, but since we're "friends" now I had to play it cool and give advice and all that cr*p, now I have a huge heartache. I was like "you should go there and console her and be there for her children" all the while thinking why do i have to go through this just to be friends? It's not fair.

 

He has invited me to visit him tonight, I am going crazy all over again...Maybe I should retaliate so he knows what it feels like? what do I have to lose, maybe it'll make me feel better because after all the healing, he is undoing everything all over again... or is it me?

 

I'm so considerate that even though guys hit on me 24/7 I NEVER ever would mention any of it to him, he was so jealous he wouldn't want me in public around any guys, but I always act dumb like I don't notice any men and never talk about anyone else, so maybe he has forgotten how hurtful it could be and the heartache I could cause him too...I don't know, this is terrible when I thought it would be so simple to remain as friends...

[Hot Coco]

I haven't read the whole thread so forgive me if I'm repeating what anyone else said but I did read the first couple of posts. You were advised to NOT be friends with him. Why? Because others before you have learned that you just can't be. Now you know.

 

But you never REALLY wanted to be friends with him anyway. Deep down, you've been hoping you could discuss the past and start fresh. That's clearly not happening. Even just email friends is playing with fire. He'll just use you as a FWB.

 

You need to cut him out cleanly. By dragging this out, you're just dragging out the heartache. He's not ever going to be what you want him to be. He's already proven that.

 

Too bad you broke NC. Now, you have to start all over again. Good luck. At least you now have one lesson less to learn in life...that NO (usually) you can't be friends with an EX.

[seachange]

Caligirl - is it too late to tell him you can't make it tonight because you have previous plans? It sounds like you need much more time and space to heal before you can even consider being friends.

[HotCaliGirl]

Caligirl - is it too late to tell him you can't make it tonight because you have previous plans? It sounds like you need much more time and space to heal before you can even consider being friends.

Hi Seachange, I've been contemplating canceling all day but at this point, I am getting ready to leave the house in about half an hour to see him.

 

I am feeling so upset, hoping I'll feel better if I see him for some reason. I couldn't eat all day and am feeling the hurt just when it was going away and i thought I was strong enough to deal with him again. I am even not attending a dinner that was planned ahead of time in honor of a family member so I feel so pathetic about this whole thing and feel miserable to know I am still going to see him.

 

I feel like he has the solution to make me feel better, I can't stand to feel the way I am feeling yet have this sick gut feeling I am doing the wrong thing. This is insanity I would talk someone else from doing, but I don't know why I am still going to see him, thinking he will make me feel better all th while acting strong...what if I break down? That will be worse. I hope things will get better tonight and i'll not regret going. Thanks for thinking of me.

[Hot Coco]

Hi Seachange, I've been contemplating canceling all day but at this point, I am getting ready to leave the house in about half an hour to see him.

 

I am feeling so upset, hoping I'll feel better if I see him for some reason. I couldn't eat all day and am feeling the hurt just when it was going away and i thought I was strong enough to deal with him again. I am even not attending a dinner that was planned ahead of time in honor of a family member so I feel so pathetic about this whole thing and feel miserable to know I am still going to see him.

 

I feel like he has the solution to make me feel better, I can't stand to feel the way I am feeling yet have this sick gut feeling I am doing the wrong thing. This is insanity I would talk someone else from doing, but I don't know why I am still going to see him, thinking he will make me feel better all th while acting strong...what if I break down? That will be worse. I hope things will get better tonight and i'll not regret going. Thanks for thinking of me.

It's a shame you couldn't have been stronger. Now, you're going to come back probably feeling worse. Think how you would have respected yourself more had you told him you had other plans tonight. It's a shame that you chose him over your family. But now you'll know better for next time. As long as you don't make this same mistake again, then you should be proud of yourself. Don't worry about the mistake you made tonight.

 

The only other thing I can think of here is that you are going to come back on a high. You may have slept with him. He may tell you everything you want to hear for that moment. But then, you will painfully realize that he will go back to being how he was and you will have felt used.

 

Even THAT won't be so bad if you learn. Learn what we've ALL had to learn at one point or another. You're not alone. And no matter how this turns out, you can always come here for support. A lot of us have had to learn certain lessons the hard way.

[Hot Coco]

Cali, I'm sorry if you already made this clear but I don't remember now. May I ask who broke up with who? I think this is important to help us help you.

 

Please keep us posted. Hope everthing's ok!

[HotCaliGirl]

Cali, I'm sorry if you already made this clear but I don't remember now. May I ask who broke up with who? I think this is important to help us help you.

 

Please keep us posted. Hope everthing's ok!

Hot Coco, I can't believe how you were right on the point in your previous post. I didn't think anyone could relate to what I am going through, but maybe you are right as far as your comment stating: "Now, you're going to come back probably feeling worse. Think how you would have respected yourself more had you told him you had other plans tonight. It's a shame that you chose him over your family."

 

I feel worse, and my family is upset with me. They had hired additional caterers to meet my dietary needs which are vegetarian, various members were trying to contact me on my phone throughout the night, while I was with someone I felt I shouldn't have been seeing...

 

I do feel worse, and I don't know what to do. As far as who left who - I had left him after suspecting he was lying and cheating, which was very hurtful...I think he knew how wrong he was so he did not contact me for all these months which for me was good to get over him, but all of a sudden he wants to see me again, and I feel the BS creeping on all over again, only this time I'm supposed to be ok with it since we are just friends.

 

You'd think I'd stay away, which is what I was doing and what I was intending on doing by suggesting we contact only by email, but now that i've seen him a couple if times, it not only hurts more but it's like I want to correct everything that has upset me about him which in the process is like torture.

 

He asked that we see each other an hour later than our original plan since he had to work late supposedly which is part of my initial suspicions before things went bad before since his job doesn't require him to work late, so it was extremely hurtful to hear that from him, yet i still saw him on the later hour, thinking what if he was with someone else before? or is he playing mind games with me? or ??? anyways, I don't know what to do...

 

Also, he lives in a gated area and instead of buzzing him which goes to his regular landline, he asked that I call him on his cellphone and he'd go out to let me in, saying he was on the computer, but he has DSL which allows for a call to go through if you're logged on, so i was wondering if he was on the phone with someone else? but what if he was, why am I getting upset about it, why wouldn't he tell me the truth?

 

I think I'm getting upset because I don't like to be lied to, not because I still have feelings for him... What can I do? I feel hurt but I don't want to just start NC because I need to do something to bring an end to this without coming across as so sensitive and upset to keep my dignity yet get my point across... any feedback would be appreciated!!!

[kodiak]

HotCaliGirl-

 

I know exactly how you are feeling. Remember i just went through seeing my ex after being broken up for almost two years. I knew that i always loved her and i guess after i saw her i relaized that i have never got over her. The pain i feel right now is horrible and i dont know you HotCaliGirl, but i dont want to see you go through what i am going through right now. My ex told me all those things and made me feel that she was interested. Then i get on a plane on go visit her, well you know the rest of my story. I am a firm beleiver if something is meant to be it will happen. Maybe your ex sincerly wants to re-kindle things with you and i hope it works out if thats the case. i just wanna warn you. i feel so bad right now. She want call me and i sent her a text simply saying "That i appreciate all she did for me when i was there and althought i cant prove it, i just hope that she belives me" Part of the reason were not talking is because she thinks that I regret seeing her and going there. Me being such a good guy even though everybody says I should be a dick to my ex, has to let her know that stuff. Whats the point? I truly dont know. I guess i just feel bad because she wanted me to have a greatime and i didnt show it. So i sent her that text and ofcourse no reply. Not even a thank you. That hurts, i feel as if she hates me. Im ranting about me here again but im just venting. Just be carefull with how far you go along with this. My family, friends all told me be carefull and I should not have gone to see her but i didnt listen. How do you know if your suppose to get a second chance then, you know? Do what your gut tells you bc like i said to you before sometimes your heart can mislead you. Mine did..... Hope i helped you out a bit. I know that i need all the help i can get...

[Bogun]

I might be wrong but this looks like a case of you feeding this guys ego. From what I've read this is how it looks...he calls up his hot ex, invites her round and she comes running (at least from his perspective). Then he does it again, and you come running again. Also it sounds like he's banging his current girlfriend, all while he's doing this to you. I think in his mind he thinks he's hot sh*t because of the way he can get you to come running whenever he asks. Perhaps he's even bragging to his mates about having you on the end of a stick, while he has his girlfriend. And don't be surprised if he pulls some moves on you if you keep visiting him.

My advice; use this opportunity to ask him once and for all to give you the answers you want, then be honest with him and tell him that its too hard to be friends and walk away from him.

[HotCaliGirl]

I might be wrong but this looks like a case of you feeding this guys ego. From what I've read this is how it looks...he calls up his hot ex, invites her round and she comes running (at least from his perspective). Then he does it again, and you come running again. Also it sounds like he's banging his current girlfriend, all while he's doing this to you. I think in his mind he thinks he's hot sh*t because of the way he can get you to come running whenever he asks. Perhaps he's even bragging to his mates about having you on the end of a stick, while he has his girlfriend. And don't be surprised if he pulls some moves on you if you keep visiting him.

My advice; use this opportunity to ask him once and for all to give you the answers you want, then be honest with him and tell him that its too hard to be friends and walk away from him.

Bogun, it is so difficult to read your post in case you are right. I am feeling a lot of heartache right now - I thought I would feel better if I saw him, but I can't believe how much worse I feel. If he's seeing me to boost his ego, how can I find out for sure? I would of course want to know, so now I'm more confused.

 

If he calls or emails and I don't respond in a short period of time, he gets upset, but if I email or leave a message he is sometimes taking all day to get back to me, always with an excuse that 'makes sense' so it would be like I'm reading into things were I to complain. Basically I'm feeling upset over things which I thought I wouldn't be, including the fact that before I started seeing him recently, I recognized the fact he goes out, but now as the weekend is approaching, I am feeling terrible like he's cheating on me or something, only it's worse because he's ok doing what he's doing...

 

At least I do know that he's not the type of person to brag to anyone that he has me on a stick, if that's the case which I hope is not. I don't want to upset him by saying that I don't want to see him anymore, especially since he's ok with everything and I'm not. I want to be ok with the way things are, and to be strong enough to overcome these horrible things that I'm feeling. Why am I the weak one in all this, I think I want him to feel more sensitive towards my feelings and keep some info. to himself about his personal life, I don't get why he is sharing them with me, when he's not the type of person to hurt me in these types of ways.

 

If he asks to see me, I want to be strong enough to say no, but it's like a challenge I am fighting to try to win, as if I have another opportunity to fix things so I won't feel as bad as I'm feeling, so I don't know how to handle things. Maybe the next time we talk or email I'll tell him that I have plans for the entire weekend so that I won't give him an opportunity to ask to see me and for me not to be able to say no. That seems like a good idea... I feel so upset at myself for putting myself in this situation after having gotten over him. I never wanted to feel this upset again, especially over him...

 

Oh my gosh, he just sent me a text message as I'm writing this saying that he's been thinking about me all day!!!!!! What in the world is going on???? How am I supposed to respond? "we're just friends" would make him feel stupid for sharing that, on the other hand in the back of my mind what if he is realizing what an idiot he's been to mess around with having someone like me in his life? I wish I could get some advice!!!

 

If my family knew I went back to see him, they'd think I was crazy after seeing how devestated he had made me earlier this year...ESPECIALLY if they were to know I skipped the family event for HIM!!! please help! I don't know what to do...because now I don't think I'm strong enough to follow through with making an excuse not to see him, but will risk him not asking to see me...things are getting worse by the second, after all the progress I had made I can't believe how I'm starting to think...