Advice About Fulfilling a Commitment Made Before NC Established

[shastafruit]

Hello,

 

The advice here seems very sound. I have been wracking my brain and conscience about this and don't know what to do. I don't think family and friends are objective enough, so here I am. Thank you so much in advance for your advice!

 

My ex broke up with me several times over the phone until it "took." He had good reasons to do it, but the way he did it was very brutal. We were going to get married, so all in all it was pretty wrenching. He certainly contributed to the demise of the relationship, but I am just so guilty and upset, even after all these months. And of course, still pitifully in love.

 

After almost 8 months of "I do want to get back together" comments but no real sign that that was in fact what he wanted to do--a lot of warmth then retreat--I finally gathered what little strength I had left and told him as I weeped pathetically that I had to break off all contact with him since he confirmed he didn't see us getting back together (though when I said "You never want to be with me again?" he answered, "Well, I can't say *that*"--which I didn't allow to give me hope, for once; I couldn't take the equivocation anymore). I explained it wasn't becasue I hated him or anything like that at all; rather, this "being friends," emailing all the time, talking on the phone etc etc was really unhealthy for me and was not allowing me to get over him. And if we were not going to get back together, I *had* to get over him. This was destroying me.

 

So it hasn't been very long (about 2 weeks) but I've been good. I've done a total No Contact and I'm miserable but committed to it.

 

Finally, to my problem (sorry so long). Prior to the no contact I promised to watch his dog while he was away on a business trip for 5 days. He has watched my dog once while we were broken up. We LOVE each others' dogs. His dog in particular is very high strung, having come from a shelter. It's tearing me up inside to think he will have to put her in a kennel because we are not speaking. He does not have any friends besides me (I am not just saying that; it's true). However, he does make a good salary and might be able to find a nice open home setting for her to stay at.

 

I really don't want to see him or communicate with him. I don't want to do a sneaky endrun around my own NC pledge. I just want to recover from this endless pain, and even seeing him for a few minutes while he drops off his puppy is something I dread. But I love his puppy like a child and I want to take care of her.

 

Should I affirm that I will fulfill my commitment by contacting him soon? Or let him contact me if it's that important and reaffirm I'm willing to take care of her (I would never say no if he asked)? This probably seems like a lot of agonizing over something really small, but it feels big to me because it took so much strength to walk away from someone I love and want so much.

 

Thank you for any insight you can provide.

[933KJL]

I would just tell him with plenty of notice that you are sorry but you need to heal and watching the dog will be too tough for you. Suggest a good kennel (the dog will be fine --really) or see about hiring someone to come and feed and walk the pooch while he is at work.

 

I would be apologetic for sure, but also say that you are sure he can understand.

[shastafruit]

Thank you for your reply. I do happen to know a link to a wonderful doggie care place I could direct him to. Since you are a dog person, I feel comfortable you know about these things. Thanks again!

 

shasta

 

 

I would just tell him with plenty of notice that you are sorry but you need to heal and watching the dog will be too tough for you. Suggest a good kennel (the dog will be fine --really) or see about hiring someone to come and feed and walk the pooch while he is at work.

 

I would be apologetic for sure, but also say that you are sure he can understand.

[slubberdegullion]

Dog person here too.

 

My first inclination was to say that you should keep your committment, because in this case it's not about you or him, it's about the dog.

 

But I've reconsidered that.

 

933JKL is, I believe, absolutely right. Though putting the dog in a kennel may sound harsh, most kennels are great places for dogs. When I had my fella, he used to love going to the kennel because he got to socialize with other pooches!

 

Unless you live near me... then I'll take care of the dog!!

[shastafruit]

Unless you live near me... then I'll take care of the dog!!

 

It's hard to make me smile these days! Thank you for that. And thanks for the contribution. This really helps me.

[helena abadi]

i would say no. 100% NO NO NO. it may seem small to you, but in terms of healing, it's BIG. he can find a lovely kennel for the puppy. i said NO to my ex over something similar. he was surprised, i was EMPOWERED. saying no made me feel doggone great. i hope you will be too.

[shastafruit]

Thank you so much for taking the time to write. It helps to hear from someone who has been there. Hee, "doggone"

 

i would say no. 100% NO NO NO. it may seem small to you, but in terms of healing, it's BIG. he can find a lovely kennel for the puppy. i said NO to my ex over something similar. he was surprised, i was EMPOWERED. saying no made me feel doggone great. i hope you will be too.

[helena abadi]

i needed the morale booster, because the break-up had been painful and prolonged, and i felt about as disempowered as a dog with no tail. i got respect for the NO WAY.

 

in other terms, in saying NO you are putting necessary distance between you, and it's something you have found it hard to do so far.

 

let us know what happens. good luck.