I can feel it. It's ending tonight.Can I save us?

[Worried7]

My boyfriend have been constantly going uphill and downhill for like the past 2 months or so We've been together for 2 years and 13 days..we'll fix our problems and then get into a fight over something else.We nearly broke up a few weeks ago but were strong enough to make it through and now we're back in the same place.. Well lately he's been completely hateful & then blaming me for it. Well we talked about it and got it all straightened out as usual, until 10 minutes later he said if he doesn't get sex pretty soon he's going to go crazy.And I said, " I'm sorry sweetie..only a couple of more months and I'll get to see you.( I live 2000 miles away). And he just kept pushing it and pushing it by saying " If I don't get to screw you soon I don't know what I'm going to do." so I said " have patience..pretty soon you'll be able to" and it kept going on and on until it got to the point that what sounded to me like he would screw another girl since I'm not there and he was giving me warning signs that he was about to. So I said " what do you want from me?! You keep pushing this issue and it's out of my hands what do you WANT?" And right after that he said " I'll just talk to you tomorrow.." and I said " why? you don't want to talk" and he said, " I'll just talk to you tomorrow bye" and I said I lov eyou and he hung up without replying.And I KNOW he's gonna blame me again saying it's all my fault that our relationship is ' this way '.

So what should I do in this situation?What CAN i do? And what do I say when I DO call him this morning after him saying all of that? Do I just ask him what is on his mind..and if he wants to break up do I try to talk him out of it or just let him go? B/c I love him more than anything and we're supposed to be getting married when I finish college.

What do I say? Where do I begin? How can I save our relationship or is it too late? Please post back with answers before it's too late. I'll be calling him within an hour or two.

Love,

Worried7

 

P.S. I'd appreciate your prayers I need them so much right now.

[Outcast]

Nobody needs to be with an unreasonable person. You are far away and can't help that yet he's still whining and complaining that you're far away - and getting mad at you. Do you really need this kind of drama in your life? It's unfair and illogical of him to get in a snit the way he has been.

[Worried7]

Yea I Guess you're right.(We had sex the last time I saw him by the way and used a condom but already thought I was pregnant a month after that) But I told him a few months ago that I didnt want to have sex with him in December b/c (I'm 17 and my best friend that is 16 is pregnant b/c the condom broke..My SO is 3 yrs to the day older than I am) I said that it happens and I dont want it to happen to us while we're so young..and he said " that's bull crap. She's lying--that rarely happens." and I'm like yea..well it happened to her she's living proof why don't you believe me?! Oh, and her birth control that she had been on for 6 entire months didn't work either. So I told him wait until March so I'll be closer to 18 so if something does go wrong, I'll be a little older. And that's when he started threatening our relationship saying " I don't know if I want a girl who won't put out for me I Don't ask for much" and I said " you can't wait until MARCH and you're threatening everything we have and that you'll either cheat or leave me after everything we've had together?" and he said " that's just not what I want" And I said, " I dont ask for much either. Just someone to love me and respect my body and my choices..it's only until I'm 18. Don't throw us away" And then after that he's been treating me like a worthless piece of crap and saying I treat him bad. I know he's a guy, he's got a penis but it's not just about that, our relationship, me not getting pregnant, and my body should be more important that. It USED to be..now it's like he gets what he wants and if it doesn't go that way, then that's too bad he'll let me go in 2 seconds. I guess he forgot he said he'd stay with me forever and forgot about the ring he put on my finger. Sex is obviously more important than US and MY feeligns about the whole thing. He won't even listen to me. He gets mad when I try to tell him how I feel and makes me feel worthless. So NOW that you all know that, how can I make him listen to my views for once and make him understand? Do i give in and have sex with him to keep our relationship, and wonder if he'll stop treating me this way or stand my ground and lose my him ( my everything)? This is probably the toughest decision I've ever had to make in my life that will CHANGE my life drastically. So tell me what to do and what to say to him b/c I have no idea? And once again, how do i start the converation on the phone when he picks it up? I think I'm gonna puke I'm so scared to death of what's going to happen. I never thought it would come to this I Thought he loved me more.

post back asap

Love,

Worried7

 

P.S. he also said " there are alot of girls here that I could **** easily..so I'm just saying..." I'd say " saying what?" and hed just go on about how he could have any girl he wants and he's not lost without me so it wouldn't matter if he ended it or screwed our relationship up..and that makes me even more pissed off b/c I REALLY dont' wanna give myself to him if he's going to say that to me and say he'll move on and forget about me in 2 seconds adn our relationship ' doesn't matter that much to him right now'. I don't know what to do or what to say to him..or what to do if he breaks it off. Plz help me.

[Sami_D]

Why on Earth would you want to even continue seeing this person, much less get married to him? It makes no sense. He's treating you really badly. You know that. Why do you want to throw yourself away on someone like him?

 

It seems to me that you should tell him to get lost and find some other mug to bully. Don't you think? I wouldn't even answer the phone if he calls later. He needs to wake up to himself and begin treating people (especially those he's supposed to be in a relationship with!!!) with respect.

[Worried7]

Why on Earth would you want to even continue seeing this person, much less get married to him? It makes no sense. He's treating you really badly. You know that. Why do you want to throw yourself away on someone like him?

 

It seems to me that you should tell him to get lost and find some other mug to bully. Don't you think? I wouldn't even answer the phone if he calls later. He needs to wake up to himself and begin treating people (especially those he's supposed to be in a relationship with!!!) with respect.

 

 

You're right. I keep telling myself that. But it's easier said then done. I Love him too much and I'm too scared to be without him. He was perfect up until like 3 weeks ago and that's when it got REALLY bad..he just started thinking with his penis and not respecting my body at all. I dont know what happened, he's a changed man.

[Sami_D]

You're right. I keep telling myself that. But it's easier said then done. I Love him too much and I'm too scared to be without him. He was perfect up until like 3 weeks ago and that's when it got REALLY bad..he just started thinking with his penis and not respecting my body at all. I dont know what happened, he's a changed man.

 

I know it's much easier said than done. And I appreciate that he's changed in some way in how he's relating to you.

 

I think that you need to be clear about what behaviour you'll accept from him. You can only do that by your actions. From the sound of your conversations he's just not listening to you.

 

I'm not terribly good with advice... I don't know what you should do exactly, but I don't think you should be trying to make this 'work' when he's behaving like this. And I don't like to hear someone say that they're with someone who treats them badly because they're afraid to be without them.

[Worried7]

I know it's much easier said than done. And I appreciate that he's changed in some way in how he's relating to you.

 

I think that you need to be clear about what behaviour you'll accept from him. You can only do that by your actions. From the sound of your conversations he's just not listening to you.

 

I'm not terribly good with advice... I don't know what you should do exactly, but I don't think you should be trying to make this 'work' when he's behaving like this. And I don't like to hear someone say that they're with someone who treats them badly because they're afraid to be without them.

 

I agree with you. But what I meant by him being a changed man is that he went from perfect to a**h*** in a short period of time.

[Outcast]

17 is far too young to be considering marriage. Of course he is changing - people can change quite a bit from their teens on. But instead of changing into a mature man who understands the risks of sex, he's turning into a whiny, selfish jerk.

 

You got together when you were 15. That's way too young to find the one person you'll be with forever. Yes, every now and then you'll read a story of people finding their 'one' in high school, but you also read about people who married high school sweethearts and then got murdered by them.

 

I guess he forgot he said he'd stay with me forever and forgot about the ring he put on my finger. Sex is obviously more important than US and MY feeligns about the whole thing. He won't even listen to me. He gets mad when I try to tell him how I feel and makes me feel worthless. So NOW that you all know that, how can I make him listen to my views for once and make him understand?

 

Given everything you just said in the rest of the paragraph, clearly you cannot. He maybe thought he loved you - people who are young do that all the time. As they get older, they realize it was probably just a crush.

 

Understand this: love means wanting the best for your beloved. You may be doing that but he is not, now is he?

 

I'm too scared to be without him

 

You are without him. You're living a couple thousand miles from him and doing just fine.

 

and lose my him ( my everything)

 

Nobody should be your 'everything'. That means you lose your entire self in him.

 

How much face - to - face time have you actually spent with this guy? Is this mainly an Internet romance?

[Worried7]

We talk on the phone for 2 hours every night. He's in his sophomore year in college so he does his homework and talks to me. We see each other every two to three months.

[Outcast]

So the answer is that you have not spent a great deal of time with him and that this is principally a long-distance relationship. So what's happening is that you have been in a relationship with your image of who he is rather than who he actually is. Anyone can seem wonderful at a distance and for only a couple hours a day. It's only when you spend an extended period of time with a person that you really know him.

 

So what's happening is that he was always this guy but hid it however now after all this time he can't hide it anymore.

[makaze]

He is a complete jerk. I'd be disgusted to even meet him let alone be in a relationship with him. You should have enough self-respect to break up with him and forget about him. I wouldn't be surpised he cheats on you all the time anyway.

I understand you're in love with him, people fall in love with all kinds of scum [i'm no exception] but you will get over him quickly. People like these aren't worth remembring anyway.

[Worried7]

no no no no no ... We've met about 10 or 11 times throughout our relationship it's not like it's been an ' interenet relationship'. He lived here and then moved to go to college.

[Worried7]

And you don't understand..I'm not a dumbass who stays with scum. We had the " fairy-tale " relationship up until the LAST TWO OR THREE WEEKS. That's why it is so hard to let go. I'm not a dumbass who will stay and get treated like ****. sorry if you took it that way, I didn't fill you in on everything. And no he didn't cheat on me in the past b/c all he did was go to class and call me the second he got out and we'd talk all night and he'd tell me how happy he is to have me. He didn't turn into the scum of the earth until very very recently. That's why I'm worried..b/c it all happened so sudden. So if he doesn't straighten up and get mature again, I'm already gone.

[glittergurl]

And he just kept pushing it and pushing it by saying " If I don't get to screw you soon I don't know what I'm going to do." so I said " have patience..pretty soon you'll be able to"

 

Are you for real? Me and my husband are often separated for a few months in a row (business reasons), and NEVER did he talk to me this way. That is just soooo unrespectful, and I can't believe you just answer "no worries sweetie, soon you'll be able to screw me" Sounds like your guy doesn't have a lot of feelings for you; it's like you're just a piece of meat to him.

 

Seriously, your guy sounds like a cave man He ain't a big loss.

[mini696]

If you accept the way he is treating you now, he will only take advantage of it later. You are only 17 and that is very young for a sexual relationship. You said he has a penis, but he also has a hand and should know how to use it at his age.

 

The way he is getting angry at you for not sleeping with him makes me think he is transferring guilt from cheating onto you.

 

I would leave this guy and find someone worthy for you. But if you still want to stay, the only other advise I can offer is to have phone sex with him.

[Worried7]

Yea. Thankyou all for responding. It means alot to me. I'm going to get out of this relationship & try to stay strong..hopefully he won't reel me back in. Ya know it's funny. Today when we talked on the phone, he acted as though nothing had happened yesterday. He didn't even apologize..he just acted like everything was okay..or maybe he was blaming me again for everything and wanted ME to apologize. Ugh I don't know..but he has all of the symptoms of being an abuser. I don't know why it started all of a sudden but it did and now he has to realize HE is the screw up..and he lost someone who loved him and would of given him the world. I was thinking about it and I don't know what sparked it, but when he was 7, his dad had an affair and his parents fought and fought in front of him until they got a divorce, then worked it out and got re-married about 5 years later. Maybe he's just scared that would happen to us and before he realized it, he was causing it to happen to us. Maybe he just loved me too much and thought I'd leave him and that made him freak out adn that's how he reacted. I don't really know which of those is the reason or if it was the combo..but whatever it is, he needs to seek a counselor since he won't talk to me about it without getting angry @ me for " starting arguments with him too much and he's getting sick of it".

So now on to getting the strength to leave..and how to cope when it IS over. And how to leave the past behind of us going to the beach together and him holding me and kissing me for the first time and sending me roses nearly every other day just because he knew that was my favorite flower and wanted a part of him to be here with me while he's away. Wow this is nuts. I never thought this would happen to us. EVER. Our parents know how much we love eachother. They can tell by the way we look at eachother and how much we hold eachother..and always get through everything without yelling..My god I can't believe it's over.

Someone pray for me..Please just pray for me to get my life together again after this. He was nearly my everything, he said I'd never have to worry about anything else b/c he was always going to be here for me loving me.

Thanks again for posting back, It really does mean alot. Keep me in your prayers.. I need them so much right now.

Love,

Worried7:(

[Sami_D]

You are romanticising his behaviour and trying to find reasons why he's acting so badly towards you. It doesn't matter why, and he's not your problem. Don't try to fix him. I know it's hard, but you deserve SO much better than him! He doesn't care about you at all. Sending flowers and holding hands is easy... but it doesn't mean anything when someone actually has NO respect for you.

 

Best wishes, and stick to your guns on this... He can't suck you back in unless you let him.

[Worried7]

No I mean he did that WITH respect up until the last couple of weeks. I'm not saying that he did that right now.. He hasn't been an ass the entire time..not until the LAST TWO WEEKS . Just trying to make my point.

[Worried7]

he just called me and said that he's going to dinner with a friend, Mark, and won't be able to call me until 8 or later! and he was talking very lowly b/c he was in " class " and didn't say I love you. tHis is just another hint flashing before my eyes...

[mini696]

Stop overanalysing things, and stick to things you are sure about... The facts.

[Sami_D]

he just called me and said that he's going to dinner with a friend, Mark, and won't be able to call me until 8 or later! and he was talking very lowly b/c he was in " class " and didn't say I love you. tHis is just another hint flashing before my eyes...

 

Do you think that the recent changes in him are because he's found someone (or thinks he has) who will "put out" for him?

 

Whatever you do, DON'T compromise yourself just because he's putting a load of pressure on you. He's being totally immature and selfish, which is not unusual in a male his age (my first boyfriend was exactly the same), but no reason to give in to him.

 

I know you've been together a long time, but first relationships don't always work out, whatever promises have been made. You've got your whole life ahead of you... and you're totally right. There's NO rush for you to have sex. Especially not with someone who is behaving like this.

[Worried7]

Yea That's EXACTLY what i've been thinking.

 

What do you think? Or do you think he really IS stressed out about school & is missing me alot & is just getting frustrated?

[Worried7]

Just to Update you all:

 

He & I talked things out and he apologized & we're still together. He's really sorry and wants to work things out and I told him if he is ever disrespectful to me like that again we're over for good..and he got my point. I get to see him in a little less than a month so you KNOW i'm excited to see him and to get to the bottom of what happened. I guess we're stronger than I thought, even after all of that. Just pray for us that things will get better and better and we'll both continue to be happy.

I'll keep you updated-especially if we start to experience more problems!

Love you all!

Worried7

[Suckers]

you girl are an idiot :-) he's playing you like a violin ....

[Not regged]

I feel sorry for women like you.... i'm a guy who would do anything for the one he loves...and i allwas get ****ed over .... but girl...wakes up and smell the ****...he's using you .... but kk you are 17 years old....dont think you have the brain yet to see that...good luck, still wonder why women get a kick out of abuse...but guess thats the way it is :-)