trust, communication, sex, and respect issues

[badfish]

My husband and I have been together for 2 1/2 years, and we have a one year old son. My marriage is about to fall apart. From the very beginning of this relationship, my husband has had a habit of lying to me, then coming clean when he gets caught in a bad situation.

 

For instance, he lied to me about his drug usage in the beginning of our relationship, and didn't tell me about it until a couple of months later, when he had stopped. I wasn't happy about it, but we were newly in love and I forgave him since he wasn't using any more (and hasn't since). We went on our merry way, having fights along the way that I chalked up to the fact that he had only been in one other relationship, and it wasn't a serious one at that.

 

Well, I come to find out 10 months after we had began our relationship, that Brad had never had a girlfriend, that "Lauren" was made up. He also told me that he was a virgin before we had sex, instead of the 5 partners he had told me he'd had before me. He explained his reasoning for lying about this as him being shy to tell me about his virginity, thinking that I wouldn't want to be with him, and then when I kept asking questions and pressing further, he just kept making things up so "I didn't get hurt by knowing he lied to me". I'm pregnant by this time, and he seems sorry, so I forgive him again, and get his word that he will not lie to me any more.

 

Now, after being together for 2 1/2 years and being married for almost a year, I catch my husband hiding porn from me, and find out that he's been sneaking behind my back to watch it. More than once apparently. This hurt me because he planned on lying to me about it since I caught him in his brother's room watching porn shortly after we got married, and I think it's disgusting and disrespectful to sit there and look at other women naked, and get aroused from it, and derive sexual pleasure from watching these women, when you have before God and your spouse and your friends and family promised to be faithful in thought word and deed. I consider it pretty much as bad as cheating, especially when you plan it ahead of time, knowing all along that you're doing something that would hurt your spouse so you plan to hide it and lie about it.

 

His justification was that I don't have sex with him enough, and at least he didn't actually do anything with anyone else. I've suspected him of cheating before, but I was wrong, but I know the feeling I got when that thought crossed my mind, and it felt just as bad as figuring out what he'd been doing, picturing him sitting there, aroused and getting off on some other woman, whether she was actually touching him or just being displayed on a screen, it doesn't matter to me, and he knew that.

 

He argued with me and defended himself, saying that I don't meet his needs, and I should be thankful that he didn't go out and get it from someone else, blah blah blah. Now, it's true, I don't sleep with him very often. I can't bring myself to. But I feel that I have many valid reasons why I don't feel comfortable at that level of intimacy with him, and if we could get to that level together, I'm sure I'd be more than willing to be intimate with him on that level again, and I've made this more than clear to him on more than one occassion.

 

I feel right now as if there is no trust in this marriage whatsoever. I just found out I have been lied to - again - for quite some time (the porn thing). I always find out about these lies, and I've only listed the huge ones here. There has been many other, smaller things that don't really warrant being typed out on an internet forum.

 

The problems that I have with my husband are not only that I can't trust what he says to me, but there is a total lack of communication, and he also has a very big anger management problem.

 

For as long as I can remember, we've gotten into so many stupid, petty fights... at least once a week... because I will tell him something is bothering me/upsetting me/pissing me off/whatever. He will not take it seriously or not listen at all, and it will continue to rub me the wrong way. I tell him constantly that when I tell him these things, it's because I want him to know them and take them seriously, not because I like the sound of my own voice.

 

Now, you ignore someone when they tell you something is not sitting right with them for long enough, and that person is bound to get pissed off enough to really stop and point-blank confront the other person involved, right? I'm not perfect, but I do try to do the best I can in being open and honest about my feelings and thoughts with my partner. I don't believe in secrets when you're sharing a life with someone. So, I'll finally get upset enough to let my feelings show. I give up on the calm, nice requests and reminders, because they haven't gotten me anywhere, and I say something to the effect of, "Stop (doing/saying/etc. whatever). I'm about to get pissed off, and I've told you X amount of times already. This is ridiculous. I should be able to tell you one time how I feel and you should be taking that into consideration in your actions and words from that point on."

 

Then, things will continue... and then I can't take it any more and I get angry, which always leads to some ridiculous fight in which he attacks my feelings and I end up having to defend myself for getting upset in the first place. I feel so disrespected to not be able to say anything to my husband and just have him listen to me and take me seriously.

 

On a regular basis, he forgets the things I tell him are important to me, whether it be me needing an hour on Thursday to run to the store and pick something up, or something coming up with our son, or dates I need him to remember, or, especially, just my thoughts and feelings.

 

I've tried to get him to write things down, keep a schedule of each day, so we can both accomplish the things that need to be taken care of, and one person's needs aren't placed before the others'. When I call him on his behavior, with anything, he immediately gets defensive and places the blame on someone or something else, usually me, for him screwing up. He takes low blows at me, and acts totally shocked that I'm angry, like I'm out of line for losing my cool a little bit after saying the same thing anywhere from 10-100 times. That is no exaggeration, either.

 

I feel like he doesn't care how I feel; he can walk away from me when I'm crying my eyes out, begging him to just stop, and act like I'm the one with the problem instead of him. He gets angry and yells and doesn't listen to what I say, and I end up having to prove myself and my point, and prove him wrong, for hours sometimes, before he'll listen to me when I just wanted one small thing to stop. I feel like I could be a lawyer with all the arguing and defending I've had to do over these past couple years.

 

In the end, he'll concede in his words, and play nice for a couple of days, but then it's back to square one again and everything repeats itself.

 

Another thing that gets to me... he rarely looks at me when we are speaking to one another. I was always taught it was impolite and disrespectful to avoid looking at someone who is speaking to you or whom you are speaking to, and it's important to me. A lot of the time, he just won't even have his eyes open, period. I understand he's tired and he doesn't want to talk all the time, we have a one-year-old, and he works evenings, however, so our only time to talk uninterrupted is at night time. He doesn't attempt to talk to me any other time of the day, and I personally need a little time each day alone with my spouse while our son is asleep. I don't see it as being too much to ask that he not ignore me every night when he comes home from work.

 

But he never has anything he wants to do with me, he never has anything he wants to talk to me about, and he can't even bring himself to listen to me attentively when I attempt to engage him in conversation night after night. The only things he wants to do are sit in front of the computer, sit in front of the xbox, or sit in front of the tv and watch a movie or show.

 

I can't live like that. I need to be able to communicate with my partner. This is not normal to me, to not have someone to talk to ever. It brings me to tears almost every night, and then we end up staying up even longer because he ends up being mean to me and arguing with me about this being a problem.

 

I've told him I don't want to sit here day after day and night after night in silence, watching him look at everything else in the room besides me until he's looked at everything, then he watches the back of his eyelids.

 

Basically, we have no trust, no communication, and we share no fun experiences together. The last time we've spent a night completely alone was on our wedding night last January, where he passed out and couldn't be woken up for two and a half hours. When your "honeymoon" is only supposed to last for about 18-20 hours, 2 1/2 hours of complete and total silence sucks. That was a huge chunk of our evening together right there. And after trying to wake him up for about an hour of it, I gave up and sat there in silence and cried.

 

I feel so not on the same page as him, it makes me cry every time I think about it. I can't trust what he says or does right now, he won't talk to me, he won't spend any time doing anything fun with me unless I plan it, and he treats all of my thoughts, words, and feelings as if they don't matter.

 

Every time I confront him when he does something he wasn't supposed to do, he has an excuse. I feel completely and utterly disregarded and lonely. So, I don't really ever feel like having sex with him. We do maybe once a month or so, but usually I give in for feeling guilty. He complains that I don't ever have sex with him, and that he can't take it. Of course he's going to be aggressive if he never gets laid, he says. But I can't enjoy it when I have all this anguish swimming around in my head.

 

I feel like I'm doing the things I need to be doing; talking to him about our problems, trying to inspire him to change things and play a role in this, put more effort forth, but why should I have to force him to put effort into this relationship?

 

Basically I'm posting this here because I feel like our son deserves to grow up in an environment where he has both his parents there with him and happy about it. Perhaps on some level I also feel not right about just up and leaving because I know that he's capable of dedicating himself to something if he puts his mind to it, and I feel that I deserve to be the thing he puts his mind to.

 

We've discussed marriage counseling at length; at first I was all for it, but he didn't follow through at the last second, many times. Then, awhile ago, he told me that he thought we needed marriage counseling (ironically this was after one of the times that I know I did everything humanly possible to try to communicate with him that my needs were not being met and we got in a fight about it, and I told him flat-out if he can not and will not meet my needs as a partner, we are incompatible and there is no point in trying to make it work out if that is the way it's going to be) and I told him that I'm not putting any effort into marriage counseling getting set up and gone to every week. That if he wanted counseling, he needed to not only set it up, but show me that there was even a reason for me to go with him every week and spend all that time dedicating myself to something, when that's all I've done for this whole time and gotten nowhere with it... I'm burnt out on trying my little heart out.

 

Well, what a surprise... he brought it up weeks ago, and I told him that he could be in charge of it since he was asking for it, and nothing has come of it.

 

Is there anyone out there who understands how I feel and that can help me?

[Ladyjane14]

I get what you're saying....truly I do. I just want you to know that before I say what I'm going to say. 'Cause you will undoubtedly NOT want to hear it.

 

But since you asked..... Girl, are you his wife or his mother?

 

A man will hide things from you when you make him. When you're an emotionally trustworthy partner, who's not sitting in judgement upon him, he has NO reason to lie to you.

 

That guy doesn't seem to trust you. He won't even look you in the eye. The things he seems to lie about according to your post, are the things that he feels you will be judgemental regarding.

 

I don't want to get into the sticky question of porn usage. People all have their own views regarding it afterall. But it is a question which needs to be resolved to BOTH partner's mutual satisfaction.....not one that should be dictated by one or the other.

 

The thing that really astounds me in your post is that you admit to denying him sexual expression within the relationship, and yet clearly expect for him to maintain fidelity.....even when his outlet is limited to pornography and self-gratification.

 

I think perhaps that you would do very well to educate yourself in regards to the marital relationship. Frankly, I don't think even marriage counseling will be worthwhile until you are in a better emotional place. You need to be really receptive to change, both for your partner AND for yourself.

 

There are quite a few books on the market that will make a good start. His Needs / Her Needs by Harley, The Five Love Languages by Chapman, even Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phil will get you started.

 

The idea is to start understanding your partner's emotional needs, as well as your own. Once you've pinpointed your strengths and weaknesses as a couple, you'll be in a better position to determine if you need outside help.

 

I think you're going to lose him if things don't change. Right now, you're clearly frustrated with him, and that might not sound like such a bad thing. But you'd be wise to think about if that's really what you want or not. Without intervention....divorce is on the horizon.

[glittergurl]

Oh, there's too much to read.

[badfish]

"are you his wife or his mother?" it's funny you ask this, because I tell him all the time how I feel like I'm his mother... in regards to trying to get him to live up to his responsibilities, such as paying his bills on time, telling me if our son is out of something if he was the last one to give it to him, cleaning up after himself, etc. I hate it, but I don't know what else to do. I've talked to him about it before, I've backed off on everything, tried (for months) to let him do his own thing, his own way... but it resulted in us ending up in debt, him with bad credit, and now my credit is getting eaten away at because he wants to pay his stuff all back since it's been in debt longer, among other things going wrong day-to-day. It's so hard to figure out what I'm supposed to do, because of this lack of communication that has been eating away at our relationship. I've done everything I can think of. Believe me, I'm already a mother to one child, I don't want to be a mother to my husband as well. I've tried to compromise with him, write things out, do checklists, let him sink or swim on his own as well... none of them have gotten us anywhere. I guess it just doesn't sit right with me that this man is willing to let all these things go unnoticed when it's not only destroying his life, but mine as well.

 

You say that he seems not to trust me. Perhaps in a way that is true. I've never lied to him, cheated on him, or given him any reason to doubt my trust. However, I suppose he doesn't trust me to let him do whatever he wants at the expense of my feelings. He didn't trust me to be open about his drug usage in the beginning of our relationship, because I told him that I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who did those types of things, that I could see no good coming of it. He was really into me, and so he hid the fact until he kicked the habit. I told him he should have been honest with me from the start so I could make an informed decision on what I had wanted to do, and it was a shame that he had to quit on his own with no support, because I would've been his friend throughout it, and helped him, until he was clean and then could've seen where things went after that. When he lied to me about the past relationships thing, and the virginity thing, we were laying in bed together talking, and I asked him how many people he'd been with in the past. He made me tell him first, and I told him I'd been with 3 other people before him, and two of them were serious relationships, and one was a relationship I tried on for size with a close friend, in which we realized we were a better fit as friends. He told me he'd been with 5 people, made up names for them all, and told me he'd had one serious girlfriend, named "Lauren", and made up a whole relationship that they had had together. He kept this up for 10 months, after I had supported him and proved my devotion to him on many occassions. He came clean with me, and I told him he was silly for keeping it from me for that long, because I thought it was cute that he didn't want me to think that he was inexperienced and only blurted it out to impress me, and had he explained that from the get-go, I surely wouldn't have been upset. I never yelled or got upset once when he told me this, because he brought it up out of his own guilt for hiding it from me. And as for the other lie I listed here, I found the porn, asked him if he knew where it came from, and he told me. This was months after I told him that I had an issue with porn in marriages, that I felt it was unfaithful in a way to look at other people with lust in a marriage. He told me that was fine, and that he understood and agreed with what I had said. Instead of talking to me about it, he pretended to feel one way and then he went behind my back to do something else, knowing full well how I would feel if I found out. I guess the only reason I can see that he wouldn't trust me is that he doesn't trust me to let him do whatever he wants regardless of the consequences.

 

Am I wrong for passing judgement on him when he lies to me, when I try to talk to him about things, and get him to do the same with me? I would much rather have had him say, "Well, I like porn, and I like sexual gratification, so if you want me to give up porn, you'd better be willing to put out whenever I'm in the mood regardless of whatever else goes on in this marriage." Because at least that would have been honest, and maybe we could have reached some compromise. I agree that mutual satisfaction is important, hence the fact that I tried to communicate with him about it from the get-go.

 

I wish so badly that I could bring myself to be intimate with my husband and feel good about it. But the joining of two bodies in the closest and most intimate of ways seems unnatural to me when the intimacy is lacking in all other areas of the relationship. When I make attempts every single day of my life to talk to him, to get him to spend time with me and share experiences, thoughts, and make memories with me, when I try to communicate my needs to him and get him to work on the things he's admitted himself he's put minimal effort into ("I've put little to no effort into this relationship in a long time, and I was hoping that you would just accept it because it would have been easier for me that way." He said this to me a few days ago.) and I either get the cold shoulder, get ridiculed until I am reduced to tears and begging for him to stop and just see the fact that I'm unhappy and I can't do everything for this relationship on my own... what would I be accomplishing by letting him inside me? We both agreed that we had way too much sex in the beginning and that's probably part of the reason that things are the way they are now... all I want is for us to build a solid foundation for a happy and healthy relationship, and that requires effort from both people to build, right? To me, sex is an extension of the expression of love, respect, trust, and communication that you share with another person. When all I get is him telling me he loves me before he passes out every night, but none of the other things, no matter what I've done... yes, I don't have sex with him. Because it feels wrong, and I'd rather wait on the physical gratification of the relationship to build the other parts up to what they're supposed to be. I don't use sex as a weapon, or hold it over his head. I tell him that I want us to be right with one another and to share a life together the way it should be before we are intimate at that level.

 

I want to understand my partner's needs, and I want him to understand mine. But how does that happen when he won't communicate? I am all about change... I'm ready to see some change in him, and make some changes myself if need be. I think that he needs to take the first step this time, though, because it's been me all the other times, changing and compromising and holding up my end of promises and compromises... being as patient as I could be and forgiving as I could be... and it's gotten me this mess.

 

Thank you for the book suggestions, hopefully I'll have a chance to buy them soon.

 

And thanks for your input, if you have any more then feel free.

[badfish]

Oh, there's too much to read.

 

Thanks for that. Big help, seriously. I'm at the end of my rope here, and I decided to take a chance and hope that someone else would know where I was coming from and be able to help me. There's a lot to read, because there's a lot that I needed help with, and a lot that I needed to get out. If you didn't want to read it, you surely could have just skipped over it without taking the time to leave me a useless reply.

 

I'm up for input on my situation but not for input telling me I wrote too much for you to read. I made this post for the sake of my own sanity and for my marriage to be saved if at all possible, not for you or anyone else to not have to read too much.

[Ladyjane14]

I've got quite a few ideas for you, and unfortunately not alot of time tonight to get into them. But there are lots of folks who will chime in with more. It's slow here on the weekends, but you're sure to see quite a few different perspectives over the next few days.

 

The first and foremost problem in your relationship seems to be Intimacy. It's important to note that men and women have different views on that subject. Men seem to develop emotional intimacy through sexual contact with the object of their affection. (That means that your man is only developing emotional intimacy with you one day a month. The other 29-30 days he is NOT feeling particularly intimate with you. )

 

Women tend to need the emotional connection BEFORE they can be sexual. So it ends up being an altogether vicious circle.

 

The bad news is....that after observing this in my own relationship, as well as others....it is the woman who can successfully break the stalemate. We have more emotional tools at our disposal afterall.

 

I do know how you feel though. It's like being molested, when you feel like it's incumbent upon you to have sex in order to keep the peace. I'm in the 'been there and done that club' on this one.

 

But the way around that is through. And that'll take time. It's necessary to do away with previous resentments before you can enjoy success. It is possible though. Hold onto that for now.

 

For a start here's two ideas to think about, the first being that Anger and Resentment can block our softer emotions. They are red hot in comparison. Sometimes it's possible to love your spouse very much, and not even know it....because you can't feel past these other demanding emotions.

 

You never know what you've got left until you clean the crud off. It could be something wonderful, or it could be nothing special. But it's worth the effort for all that, when you have a family to consider.

 

And second, if you're game, you can begin by asking yourself the question of what your most basic needs are. Just the things you can't do without in regards to what your husband brings to the relationship.

 

I saw a BIG one on my own personal list in your post.....Fiscal Responsibility. I can't be married to a man who can't control his spending. Although I don't mind if he spends, he has to do it in a way that is responsible enough to NOT leave the family in debt. Threatening the financial security of the family is a deal-breaker for me.

 

What are your absolute deal-breakers? When you've made that list....the rest of the things that are bugging you will only be wants, not needs. 'Wants' are easy enough to deal with AFTER your 'needs' are being met.

 

Those books I mentioned will help you in identifying your EN's as well as his. And you can find most of them at the local library if you don't want to spend on them.

[portableversion]

wonderful. you are married to a porn addict and computer junkie with the mentality of a 13 year old. Do you want this loser to be the role model for your son???

 

Lose.Him.Now.

[AlmostMarried77]

I'm up for input on my situation but not for input telling me I wrote too much for you to read. I made this post for the sake of my own sanity and for my marriage to be saved if at all possible, not for you or anyone else to not have to read too much.

 

There is a lot to read, but it is a very nicely written post, i avoided reading it too at first due to lack of time but I just read it now and it stuck me as a very thoughfull and well composed piece (and rant;) )

 

Anyway, I think your husband has a lot of growing up to do, it does sound like he's acting like a teenage boy and untill he grows up and learns to face his responsibilities and the consequences of his actions then any hope of you getting the relationship you deserve is very low.

 

With regards to the marriage councilling, as with everything else, this is something that you will have to take control of yourself. He is not capable of maintaining the dedication needed so you will have to do it for the both of you. It might mean having to bribe him to go or whatever but without being pushed he's unlikely to keep it up himself.

 

On a much more serious note though, i don't think you should be married to him. From what you said it sounds like he will never be there as a husband or a father and will cause you more problems than he can solve. Even without the child involved, marriage requires work, dedication and a certain amount of selflessness. If he can't put his hands up, admit he was wrong on something and then work at making sure it doesn't happen again then he has got a very very long road to travel.

[Lil Honey]

I didn't read the entire OP or the entire thread. What I have to say is pretty simple. Your title is, "Trust, communication, sex, and respect issues".

 

IMHO, a person can't respect another without communication and can't trust another without respect. Respect is a prerequisite to sex. And sex is another form of communication. One is the foundation of the other and they are all interwoven.

[Ncoco4069]

I agree; way too much to read. Which begs the question - why are you trying so hard to justify yourself, Badfish?

I'm not trying to be rude it just seems that your trying to hard to clarify your feelings.

Sometimes people feel one way for no reason at all. Every emotion doesn't have to have a reason or purpose.

Sexual frustrations may be the hidden reason for your husbands aggressiveness. Low self-esteem may be an issue, too; he made up Lauren to make himself feel better. How long was he lying to himself? If he told you there's chances he told other people and he may even began to believe it.

Marrage Counciling would be good for your guys' relationship.

[badfish]

I don't think I was trying to justify my feeling so much as I was just trying to be clear and give some background on the situation, since this is an internet forum, we don't know each other personally here, and I didn't want to waste my time or someone else's because my situation was unclear. I'm uncomfortable talking to any of my RL friends/family about this, because there is a certain amount of shame in admitting to the people one is surrounded by that your life is a big, fat mess. Sorry it took so long to read, I was only trying to make it easier for people to understand; I've held a lot inside of me for a long time, and writing this was a weight off my chest and gave me hope that there was someone out there that could identify and help me.

 

the idea of low self esteem on his part is a good thought, one i hadn't considered through my frustrations.

 

apparently all of his friends knew he never had a girlfriend or any sexual partners before me, unfortunately no one told me this in the beginning because i was the girl who was taking up brad's time instead of him being with his friends 24 hours a day, so it took them awhile to warm up to me.

 

thank you for reading this and giving me your input, i appreciate it.

[badfish]

thanks for reading and commenting. i agree with pretty much everything you said. we had a talk earlier about the situation, and it went well. he brought up marriage counseling again, so it looks like we'll be getting the ball rolling on that soon. for the first time in a long time, i feel like i was talking to an adult who could understand what i was trying to say and respond accordingly. keep your fingers crossed for me that it continues to move in the right direction!

[badfish]

even though you didn't read, i like your response. thanks.