jack Posted July 7, 2001 Share Posted July 7, 2001 Ok Tony I'll understand if you abandon me here but I can't stop playing games to win back my ex because they are working. I know I should stop, I have recieved excellent advice from you & other members but with each new positive result I am planning my next move. I hate to say it this way but the hunter is closing in on his kill. I am very close, she called twice today (I didn't answer-oh god even that's part of my stratagy) after our dinner last night. Both the dinner & the calls today were a direct result of games. Is it some sort of ego trip to win her back after she dumped me? To prove I can do it? To avenge her rejection of me? Or am I doing it because I really love her & want another chance to show her that we can work out the problems we were having? All I know is I can't stop & when (still if) she does come back I'm not sure how I'm going to feel about her after a month or two. I honestly believe I love her & I screwed up & I want another chance to show her I've changed. I hate playing these games with her but I CAN'T STOP. Scared if I stop I'll loose her for good. Sooo close. Ed you're advice on my previous post was bang on but how do you stop plaing a game you are winning & that has (at least in my mind,)the greatest prize in the world. Link to post Share on other sites
Laurynn Posted July 7, 2001 Share Posted July 7, 2001 No offense here, Jack, cuz you're definitely not the only one on forums like this, who've done what I'm about to speak about.... Why do people come to a place like this...pour out their heart and soul, obviously desperate for advice.......they get tons of helpful, unbiased, well-intentioned advice...stuff that's most often based on the past experience of the advice-giver (we learn through our mistakes, most of the time). Yet they keep coming back here, so CLEARLY ignoring all the advice that's being freely offered to them, and they are hell bent on "doing their own thing." So what's the point of coming here if all you're going to do is do what you're going to do anyway? Aren't you really just wasting everyone's time here if you have no desire whatsoever to listen and follow at least SOME of the advice here? This I just don't get. And by no means am I singling you out......you just happen to be the latest example :-) Perhaps it's just the particular words you've chosen, but I for one don't like the way you refer to all of this as a "game"......you seem to really be getting your kicks out of manipulating your ex. Wait a minute, wasn't tonight the night you went out on your date or when was that? And speaking of that, WHY did you bother asking some poor unsuspecting girl out on a date when all you were doing was doing it to get a reaction out of your ex? That's pretty dirty, if you ask me (to the girl you asked out)...you basically USED her. How would YOU feel if someone used YOU? Don't be too overly confident about the progress of your 'games'......games sometimes have a way of coming back to bite us in the ass. Don't get too sure of yourself cuz as my Mom used to say (and still does), "Pride cometh before a fall." You play too many games and your ex is going to see through them big time. Also, you better stop and take a long, hard think here. You already admitted that you're not certain whether you're doing all this just to prove you can get her back OR if you're doing it all because you truly love her. You better do some soul searching here, my friend. That would be pretty awful of you to win her back, then realize your heart really isn't in it and the challenge is over and you're no longer interested. I can speak from experience here.....sometimes when a relationship ends, it's a real blow to the ego and self esteem. The rational part of you KNOWS it was the best thing that could have happened.......but there's that prideful part of you that feels like a failure.......and you want that person back SOO badly, not because you love them and want them, but because it's a challenge and it's a type of game you play with YOURSELF, to see if you 'have what it takes' to get them back. Be careful..people's hearts are at stake here. L Link to post Share on other sites
Ed Posted July 7, 2001 Share Posted July 7, 2001 Is it some sort of ego trip to win her back after she dumped me? To prove I can do it? To avenge her rejection of me? Or am I doing it because I really love her & want another chance to show her that we can work out the problems we were having? Only you can answer the above questions. And then you go on to say... I hate playing these games with her but I CAN'T STOP. Scared if I stop I'll loose her for good. I started to comment on this point in my previous post, but I was not sure if you felt this way. Apparently, you do. This is exactly what I was referring to when I said "the game you are entering into will never end until one or both of you quits or dies." It is very likely you will be playing games with this woman for as long as you are together because you are scared of loosing her. If so, it will be a never ending circle in which one of you is the back walking away and the other is chasing, then the roles reverse. Many people carry on relationships like this their whole lives. I doubt any of them are very happy. I would much rather be serially monogamous or single than be involved in a co-dependent relationship of this kind. She is just as much a part of this game as you are. As far as that goes, it could easily be seen that YOU are the one being manipulated. She has got you totally wrapped up in her. And that's the way she wants it to be. With all the energy you are putting into this, there is no way you will have any real interest in another woman, no matter how many you use for that alleged purpose. You think you are winning her back, but she already has you and she knows it. Just wait till another man, a real man, enters the picture. You will enter into a jealous fit, go off the deep end and do some crazy things that may land you in a hospital, morgue, jail, or some combination of the three. If you are lucky enough to avoid those, at the very least, you will be depressed and disgusted for letting yourself be manipulated like that. I don't blame you for doing what you are doing. And to some extent, you are doing what some people would recommend to get her back. But if you ever want this relationship to turn into something worth having and keeping, the games will have to stop! If you made some mistakes, take it in stride, learn from them and do better next time. Let this girl go about her merry way and you go about yours. You don't need someone who wants to break up with you when you make a mistake or don't do what they expect you to do without first discussing it. What you need is someone who, of their own volition, wants to be with you, is willing to allow you to be human and make mistakes, will compromise and work through problems when they arise. That's the kind of partner you need to be too. There is nothing anyone can say or do to make you stop. You will probably have to go through this to really understand it. Unfortunately, most of life's lessons are learned this way, by actually going through it. It's too bad that so much time and energy is wasted on the young and so much wisdom and knowledge is wasted on the old. Link to post Share on other sites
jack Posted July 7, 2001 Share Posted July 7, 2001 Laurynn, Believe me I've tried to take the advice recieved on this forum & in some respects I have. I backed off, stopped pouring my heart out. I feel I did that only because it would further my goal of winning her back. But when she did call I manipulated her with seeds of jealousy & professions of friendship. It became part of the game, or stratagy to win her. I am definately not getting "kicks out of manipulating my ex". It's just now that we seem close to getting back together I want to stop playing with her & tell her my true feelings. No offense here, Jack, cuz you're definitely not the only one on forums like this, who've done what I'm about to speak about.... Why do people come to a place like this...pour out their heart and soul, obviously desperate for advice.......they get tons of helpful, unbiased, well-intentioned advice...stuff that's most often based on the past experience of the advice-giver (we learn through our mistakes, most of the time). Yet they keep coming back here, so CLEARLY ignoring all the advice that's being freely offered to them, and they are hell bent on "doing their own thing." So what's the point of coming here if all you're going to do is do what you're going to do anyway? Aren't you really just wasting everyone's time here if you have no desire whatsoever to listen and follow at least SOME of the advice here? This I just don't get. And by no means am I singling you out......you just happen to be the latest example :-) Perhaps it's just the particular words you've chosen, but I for one don't like the way you refer to all of this as a "game"......you seem to really be getting your kicks out of manipulating your ex. Wait a minute, wasn't tonight the night you went out on your date or when was that? And speaking of that, WHY did you bother asking some poor unsuspecting girl out on a date when all you were doing was doing it to get a reaction out of your ex? That's pretty dirty, if you ask me (to the girl you asked out)...you basically USED her. How would YOU feel if someone used YOU? Don't be too overly confident about the progress of your 'games'......games sometimes have a way of coming back to bite us in the ass. Don't get too sure of yourself cuz as my Mom used to say (and still does), "Pride cometh before a fall." You play too many games and your ex is going to see through them big time. Also, you better stop and take a long, hard think here. You already admitted that you're not certain whether you're doing all this just to prove you can get her back OR if you're doing it all because you truly love her. You better do some soul searching here, my friend. That would be pretty awful of you to win her back, then realize your heart really isn't in it and the challenge is over and you're no longer interested. I can speak from experience here.....sometimes when a relationship ends, it's a real blow to the ego and self esteem. The rational part of you KNOWS it was the best thing that could have happened.......but there's that prideful part of you that feels like a failure.......and you want that person back SOO badly, not because you love them and want them, but because it's a challenge and it's a type of game you play with YOURSELF, to see if you 'have what it takes' to get them back. Be careful..people's hearts are at stake here. L Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted July 7, 2001 Share Posted July 7, 2001 Jack, you're a real trip!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Laurynn Posted July 7, 2001 Share Posted July 7, 2001 You wrote: "But when she did call I manipulated her with seeds of jealousy & professions of friendship. It became part of the game, or stratagy to win her." First of all, your ex is a HUMAN BEING, not a Scrabble or Monopoly game. You *manipulated* her with "seeds of jealousy" and "professions of friendship"? So basically, Jack, you're trying to "win her back" based on games, deceit, manipulations and bulls***. Aint that swell. Yeah, I guess those things are the foundations for good, loving, respectful relationships *shaking head* You're having way too good of a time here, trying to get your ex back. I'm not reading anything about "LOVE", I'm just reading about a guy who's getting his kicks being deceitful, cagey, sneaky, dishonest, underhanded, using other people, purposely creating jealousy...... The whole thing is really messed up. L Link to post Share on other sites
Ed Posted July 7, 2001 Share Posted July 7, 2001 Laurynn, Believe me I've tried to take the advice recieved on this forum & in some respects I have. I backed off, stopped pouring my heart out. I feel I did that only because it would further my goal of winning her back. But when she did call I manipulated her with seeds of jealousy & professions of friendship. It became part of the game, or stratagy to win her. I am definately not getting "kicks out of manipulating my ex". It's just now that we seem close to getting back together I want to stop playing with her & tell her my true feelings. You can get her back by playing with her. But, you will have to keep the game going to keep her. Telling her your true feelings will probably get you right back where you started when you came to this sight for advice. As Tony so many times tells guys in your situation; she wants a challenge; she wants to be unsure of how you feel; she wants to pursue and be pursued. The big unknown is, if it works, how long will you have to do this to keep her. With most women, one day, probably many years from now, she will no longer want that from a man. She will want more security and more certainty. When that time comes, if you are lucky, she will give you a chance to stop the games. However, she could just one day announce to you she is leaving you because you don't express your feelings toward her and you act like you could care less whether she is there or not. Then you will be back here looking for advice again, wondering what the deal is with women. And so the game continues... It's all really very pathetic to me and I get sick to my stomach thinking about it. Of course, there are those invaluable relationships that can be had, in which both partners have gotten past the immature bulls*** and can have a very healthy exchange of love and caring for one another. A relationship built upon a solid foundation of human reality and honest exchanges, instead of a fairy tale dream of the perfect partner who always does everything right, at the right time, without having to vulnerably disclose our wants, needs and insecurities. There is no doubt that a certain amount of posturing, positioning and yes, game playing, is required to get a new relationship started. But if you have been with someone for a couple of years or so, and you haven't gotten past all this, you probably never will! Your time would be much better spent pursuing a different partner that is more willing and capable of cutting through the BS and getting down to the nuts and bolts of a truly satisfying love relationship between two sane, mature adults. Link to post Share on other sites
jack Posted July 8, 2001 Share Posted July 8, 2001 Laurynn, I am not having a good time & I am not getting kicks out of manipulating my ex.. Possibly that is why I am posting every detail, to purge my guilt. I've stated before I love her more than anything, I screwed up in our relationship & I see this as the only way to a second chance. I wasn't myself the last few months we were together. I took her for granted, I was obsessed with work. Cliche time: Loosing her made me realize how much I love her & how bad I screwed up. The only way I see to show her I am willing to change is to get her to give me another chance. My doubts in the previous post were founded in guilt. This may well be twisted but if I get that chance I will love, honor & respect her until the day I die. Update- She phoned once tonight-didn't answer. I expect another call later on. Haven't decided what to do yet. We have tentative plans for dinner tomorrow. Things are still shakey but they are definately settling. I AM NOT HAVING FUN. Ed you're a genius but I'm in too deep & there's no way out. Honesty will have to wait a bit longer. You wrote: "But when she did call I manipulated her with seeds of jealousy & professions of friendship. It became part of the game, or stratagy to win her." First of all, your ex is a HUMAN BEING, not a Scrabble or Monopoly game. You *manipulated* her with "seeds of jealousy" and "professions of friendship"? So basically, Jack, you're trying to "win her back" based on games, deceit, manipulations and bulls***. Aint that swell. Yeah, I guess those things are the foundations for good, loving, respectful relationships *shaking head* You're having way too good of a time here, trying to get your ex back. I'm not reading anything about "LOVE", I'm just reading about a guy who's getting his kicks being deceitful, cagey, sneaky, dishonest, underhanded, using other people, purposely creating jealousy...... The whole thing is really messed up. L Link to post Share on other sites
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