If You Still Truly Love Them - Break NC?

[Natalie05]

This is my second breakup with "Bob" in 2 years. First breakup I initiated - several months later he came back to me when I thought we were totally over and I'd neve hear from him again. We reconciled - it lasted 8 months then he broke up with me. I was left shocked because when he came back he was professing undying love and how he was so sure I was "the one".

 

Once again it's been several months since he dumped me and he hasn't come back. I feel like it's my turn to go crawling back since he crawled back after I broke up with him - yet something keeps me from doing so.

 

I still love him - our problems are we are both very strong personalities who both want it our way so we just combust. Our last breakup was caused by tensions due to committment (he wanted marriage - I wanted to wait). He kept giving me ultimatums - I'd shut down and get mad at being pressured - he couldn't get what he wanted so he blew a fuse and ended it.

 

I agreed to his terms - just not in his timeframe. I felt we needed more time to work things out - he didn't want to wait.

 

So - months later I'm missing him, wanting to reconcile but I cannot bring myself to contact him due to the NC rule. He likes to stomp me when I'm nice and apologetic so I'm gunshy about contacting him. I think he's the man - he should contact me.

 

I know he loves me and I love him - it's stupid games and a waiting contest or maybe I'm wrong and he's moved on and doesn't want me anymore.

 

Can any of you give me advice on what to do? I'm consumed with thoughts of him and wanting him back - I miss him so much. Something keeps telling me to just wait and if it's meant to be he'll come back. If he comes back again I won't let him go like this ever........

 

What would you do if you were me?

[whereismylifegoing]

how about stop playing games............

[J dub]

>First breakup I initiated

 

for what reason?

 

>I feel like it's my turn to go crawling back

 

Technically, he broke up with you, so if anyone goes "crawling back" it'd be him. If you want to go back to him and beg for forgiveness, thats a bit different because you didnt leave him this time around.

 

>our problems are we are both very strong personalities who both want it our way so we just combust.

 

If that's so, it's unlikely he will come back to you again seeing as he already broke down and did it once. Strong personalities dont make a habit of things like this.

 

>Our last breakup was caused by tensions due to committment (he wanted marriage - I wanted to wait).

 

What are you waiting for? If you love him, whats the problem?

 

>He kept giving me ultimatums - I'd shut down and get mad at being pressured

 

Understandable, people dont respond well to ultimatums as a general rule.

 

>he couldn't get what he wanted so he blew a fuse and ended it.

 

Or perhaps he got sick of feeling like you wouldnt commit?

 

>it lasted 8 months then he broke up with me. I was left shocked because when he came back he was professing undying love and how he was so sure I was "the one".

 

Why would you be shocked if he wanted to marry you and you beat around the bush? If you really wanted it, you'd have agreed to it and he knows it.

 

>So - months later I'm missing him, wanting to reconcile but I cannot bring myself to contact him due to the NC rule.

 

No contact is not a rule, it's a principle and it's used as a tool to help those who have been dumped to heal and move on. If youre currently doing No Contact because he told you to leave him alone, I can understand...but if not then what caused you to decide to initiate it?

 

>He likes to stomp me when I'm nice and apologetic so I'm gunshy about contacting him.

 

That's not a very attractive personality...are you sure you really want him back because you love him? Or is it because he's not something you can have, therefore you want?

 

>I think he's the man - he should contact me.

 

Again technically speaking yes, this time around he should be the one. But he already has once and I really am not sure he'll make a second round on that.

 

>I know he loves me and I love him - it's stupid games and a waiting contest or maybe I'm wrong and he's moved on and doesn't want me anymore.

 

Contacting him would answer this question, but it might set you back and make you feel worse if you find out he's done. But, it'll give you closure and allow you to move on.

 

I think you would benefit from calling him and talking to him about where you stand. The only way I can see him accepting you back, however, is if you agree to marry him on his terms/timeline because otherwise you dont have to offer what he clearly wants, therefore theres no reason for him to allow for another chance. so, you need to look deep within yourself and honestly decide whether or not this is something that stems from simply missing him, maybe its guilt, or maybe you really do love him and want to be with him forever. If the latter is the case, I wouldnt waste any more time...forget pride, in this situation its up to you to take it into your own hands and find out once and for all what his thoughts are.

 

Again, though...be sure you will be willing to adhere to whatever terms he wants....unless you want to wait it out and see if he comes back to you. If he does, then its on your terms -- but I am doubting his return.

[Nikita20]

Why is it you wanted to wait to get married to him? It sounds like he is committed to you, but you are having doubts. Am I reading that correctly?

[grace2005]

Usually it's the guy who wants time to think about marriage and the woman is wanting him to hurry up and commit. This is the first time I've seen vice versa. I say this because usually women mature emotionally faster than men. Usually men don't get serious about commitment until they are in their late 30s. Women usually are ready to settle down in their early 20s.

[ReluctantRomeo]

This is the first time I've seen vice versa.

 

You'll see more examples once you start to get some experience in the romantic world...

[ReluctantRomeo]

I feel like it's my turn to go crawling back since he crawled back after I broke up with him - yet something keeps me from doing so.

 

Your pride? Why do you think of it as crawling back? One can contact an ex-lover without it being shaming or demeaning.

 

 

What would you do if you were me?

 

Contact him.

 

J Dub is right - he may very well not do this the second time. Especially since you seem to be the initiator of the breaks.

 

So swallow your pride, give him a casual call and ask how he's doing. Make it light and relatively short - an opportunity to test the water. Be prepared to deal with anger and to say you're sorry where appropriate.

[Natalie05]

Ok guys I read all your replies - took some time to think and here's what I've done.

 

I sent him an email. In it I attached a photo of us that I recently got developed (and it turned out to be the best photo ever take of us). I wrote a short email saying I wanted to say hello, send him this pic because I thought it was the best pic taken of us and that I think of him all the time, I miss him and hope we can see or talk to each other again. Short and sweet.

 

If he responds then great - if not, I have my answer and will let it go and not pursue this anymore. Deep down in my heart I love him. I have learned alot about myself during these months apart. I have regrets, I admit my mistakes and I do really love him. I see things differently and I'm miserable without him.

 

So there - either he still loves me or he's moved on. He doesn't check his email daily so he'll have my email waiting next time he checks it. Could be two weeks from now for all I know.

 

I would call him but I think a casual email is better to feel him out and test his temperature. I'll keep you posted on this. THANK YOU for all your great advice.

 

Oh and to answer the "vice versa" comment. I definately want to get married - I just didn't want to after dating only 4 months. We've each got kids - that's a whole 'nuther monkey wrench when you try to rush marriage and throw everyone under one roof - especially kids.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Well, keep us updated. Good luck!

[Natalie05]

Ok, this was really weird. When I sent him the email I somehow typed his address wrong (guess I was nervous) so the email came back undeliverable. I transposed two letters in his email address.....

 

I then stuck the email in my drafts folder instead of resending it - and I thought about it - then changed my mind and deleted it.

 

Something tells me not to contact him.

[RecordProducer]

Wow! Freud would definitely agree.

 

Is it possible for you to run onto him "by accident" somehow? In any case, I think an email is a cold thing; you won't know his reaction to it. Perhaps you could just say "hi, how are you?" and send him the picture without telling him you've missed him and still love him?

[Natalie05]

Well he hardly ever checks his email - he's got a really slow computer so he gets online only once or twice a month.

 

I could drop the picture in the mail to him with a nice note "Just got these developed, thought it was the best pic ever taken of us - wanted you to have a copy in hopes you'll remember the good times. Hope one day we can talk and see each other again and become friends".

 

How's that sound?

 

Then I can move forward knowing I attempted to see if anything was still there between us. If he never responds then I'll have my answer and be able to accept that it's over and move on.

 

Everytime I attempt to do anything I read all the other threads on here and they scream "NO CONTACT IF IT KILLS YOU!!!". Maybe I'm just wanting to go back to the good old days (the way we were) and hope we can reconcile. Maybe there is no hope???? I can't stop thinking about him.

 

Plus I want sex (oops - there I said it.........can't help it but I gotta end this dry spell or I'm gonna go bonkers) - self gratification only goes so far...

[RecordProducer]

Yeah, you do sound a little like you just need someone (but not just anyone). I figured that since you're so sane and calm about the situation after a few months. If loneliness/need for a man were not your problem, would you still want him? If some great guy asked you out, would you forget about your ex or is he the only person in this world that you want to be with at this moment?

 

He wants marriage so you need to decide whether you want to marry him or have him merely for sex and fun. If it's the former than you better be 100% sure then think of the actions you need to take to let him know. He hasn't contacted you in a few months and we don't know if he has moved on, loves someone else or is waiting for you to call him. It's pretty unusual for a man to break it off because the woman was not sure about marrying him. Men usually don't break up when they are in love.

 

Obviously he is not calling you. So if you want a casual relationship with a possible perspective for marriage, call him and let him know how you feel. In any case, you need to be open and honest if things between you two are serious. You have already been hard to get so calling him is not humiliation. I always vote for the guys-should-take-action theory, but he left you because he wanted to move the relationship to a higher level.

[grace2005]

I think that if he loves you then he should give you the time you need to think about things and not pressure you into marriage. I am speaking from a male perspective on this. Since he broke up with you for the reason of not being ready for marriage this is one of the situations where applying NC would not do any good to get him back. That only would work if he broke up with you because you smothered him. But no he broke it off because he wanted to move things at a faster pace than you are. NC would just backfire on you. But if he really thinks you are the right one for him then I don't see how he can go wrong giving you some more time whether it's 6 months to 1 year or 2 years to sort out things. I just hope he wants to marry you for the right reasons and not just for the sake of getting married. What is the rush?

 

Marriage is a serious step and should not be taken lightly. He does not love you enough if he's pressuring you into marriage. If I proposed to my gf tomorrow and she said she needs time to think about it, I would give her that time. If she was not ready I would be understanding. It's not like my biological clock is ticking since I'm not a woman I don't have to worry about that.

 

I would go ahead and give him a call and see if he's up to meeting and discussing these things. Good luck

[grace2005]

By the way, true love does not demand its own way. If my gf ever gave me the ultimatium and pressured me I would walk out the door immediately and never look back. I find that to be a huge turn off! Taking that next step to marriage has to come naturally and not through bribing or blackmailing.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Something tells me not to contact him.

 

Don't endow this with some spiritual meaning. You're nervous, that's all.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Men usually don't break up when they are in love.

 

Normally I'd agree with you RP. But this situation is an unusual one. In the guy's position, I would probably have done the same.

 

There comes a time when you want the person you love to commit to you. It's ok to wait for a while, but what if you eventually come to think they're never gonna commit?

[country gal]

Usually it's the guy who wants time to think about marriage and the woman is wanting him to hurry up and commit. This is the first time I've seen vice versa. I say this because usually women mature emotionally faster than men. Usually men don't get serious about commitment until they are in their late 30s. Women usually are ready to settle down in their early 20s.

 

 

Actually Grace, thats one of the reasons I left my last bf. He wanted marriage and I didnt. He was definately "marriage material" and a great guy with whom I would have had a stable secure life, but it wasnt enough. And the guy I dated before him wanted marriage as well - same deal only slightly less "marriage material" (controlling). Go figure.

 

Anyway, Natalie, I would really examine your reasons for waiting ... whats holding you back? Is there something you are afraid of in your vision of the future with him? Is there something missing for you? Would you be settling (despite knowing how great he may seem in many ways)?

[grace2005]

I know alot of women and some of my female friends who got married in their early 20s only after 5-6 months of dating. That is just too soon. I mean most couples don't even have 1 fight yet until after the 1st 6 months of dating. Sometimes the real person with their flaws does not come out until after 5 years. I sure hope that guy knows what he's doing by wanting to settle down so fast.

 

Alot of experts say the honeymoon phase lasts 3 months in a dating relationship. I think it can last up to 9 months or even 1 year. That was the case with my current gf. Our honeymoon phase lasted about 9 months before we had any serious conflicts. It's a good thing we didn't get married during that time. I feel we need to wait and see how well the two of us do under rough circumstances.

 

It's in times of hardship that a person's true character comes out. The trials we face together are the true tests of whether or not we are right for marriage material not during a season of prosperity. Afterall marriage is for better or for worse. In sickness and in health. I'm not saying that two people should live together before marriage either. I think that would be a recipe for disaster.

 

So my point is that you can't go wrong with waiting. If he decides to walk out on you because you won't marry him on his timetable (I think is ridiculous) then it probably was not meant to be. Have you ever asked him why he wants to marry you right now? I'm curious to know his reasons.

[Natalie05]

You see what is keeping me from marrying him is the fact I truly think he just wants a wife at any cost. I've always felt his love for me was based on getting something in return (a wife) rather than him loving me for who I am.

 

Pressuring me into marriage then saying "Uh, well you won't commit so it's over" - is a pretty strong indication. We've each got one kid from previous marriages he's told me "they'll adjust - don't worry about them" but it would be me and my child who'd have to "conform" to their way of life, in their house, in their neighborhood. We'd have to give up everything - a great school district, neighbors and friends we've had for years.........I'm just not ready to do that and be stuck in his house living by his rules.

 

He always did things for me (nice things) then expected me to worship him in return. I wanted him to do things for me - just because he wanted to. I always felt set up for some reason.

 

I think if someone truly loves you - marriage should be when it feels right and both parties are ready. I felt it was an ultimatum and he was watching the clock. He proposed way too soon in the relationship then pressured me to set a date, etc. It was just TOO MUCH PRESSURE. Then he nagged me constantly - if I didn't come over to his house every night and spend all weekend with him he'd get upset. He'd pout if I didn't feel like coming over or on weekends if I just didn't feel like spending the night he'd start complaining "We never spend any time together".

 

I was always the bad girlfriend who wouldn't put in enough effort. This made me shut down and turn cold.

 

I wanted to do things for him on my own without being demanded or expected to do so. I wanted to cook for him when I wanted to, spend time with him alot but I also have a life and a house to keep up and there's homework and grocery shopping, etc., that I have to do.

 

He berrated me for living in a "tiny apartment" and said it was time to get on with my life. HUH??? I live in a large townhome and I love my neighborhood and my house - it's cozy and I love it. He tried to make me feel like I had nothing and should get married so I can have a life.

 

So this is what caused our breakup. It's a shame because besides all this we did get along well and we shared the same hobbies and we had alot of fun. I do love him but I have to know someone loves me for the right reasons - not just to fill a void (he said he made mistakes in the past with rushing relationships because he was trying to "fill a void").

 

I think I was just another girl on his list. I didn't conform so he dumped me.

 

And the sad part is - I really loved him and eventually did want to marry him but I wanted it to be right.

[Natalie05]

Grace2000 your last post is so CORRECT - AMEN to what you said - so many people dive into relationships and you really don't know the true person until you've at least dated one year. All that beforehand is smoke and mirrors - the honeymoon phase.

 

I TOTALLY AGREE WITH EVERYTHING YOU SAID!!!!! Very few people admit this.

 

With my ex things were great just dating - we were together alot and we only live 3 miles from each other - I wanted to wait until our kids got out of high school to get married (which would only be 4 years from now). When you blend a family under one roof the entire dynamic changes - and I didn't want to go thru all that yet. Our kids are different and we raise our kids different (I believe in morals, manners and discipline) he believes in let em' run wild and do whatever as long as they don't get hurt. I had to teach his kid the words "Please" and "thank you" - he didn't know them until I came along.

 

I think I did the right thing in not letting him rush me into marriage. But I wish we could have worked it out enough to keep dating. For him it was all or nothing.

[Natalie05]

And one last thing............his reason for rushing marriage was......

 

"I'm not getting any younger - I'm going to be 50 in a few years and I want to be settled". (I would be his 3rd marriage). His first marriage was shortlived and she was ten years older than him - ended in divorce after 3 years. His second marriage lasted for 9 years (she got pregnant with his only child while they were dating then they got married and she got caught cheating on him with another man. She filed for divorce, he tried to work things out then got mad at her and filed for divorce - it was a nasty breakup - he got custody and has been divorced now for 5 years going on 6).

 

After his divorce he met a girl at a bar and two weeks after knowing her proposed to her (bought her a big ring and a new car). She moved in, lived with him for 6 months then moved out - relationship fell apart. He blamed her saying she drank too much.

 

We met thru out kids who were going to the same school (they now attend different middle schools). He thought our meeting was fate and meant to be, blah, blah, blah.........our first and second dates he was trying to hold my hand and kiss me which I thought was too much too soon. Then month three he proposed........ we were together on and off for 2 years after - things were rocky when committment issues were brought up - otherwise things were great and we had fun.

[grace2005]

"He always did things for me (nice things) then expected me to worship him in return. I wanted him to do things for me - just because he wanted to. I always felt set up for some reason."

 

Hey Nataliae it sounds to me like he lost a good thing by giving you up. We need more women like you in this world. It's more his loss than yours IMHO. And the idea that he wants to get married because he is over 50, I mean with his attitude he may never get married. I hope no other woman he dates in the future will cave in to his ultimatiums. Seems to me he would've had a better chance getting married had he stayed with you and given you time. But now I think he's likely to end up by himself if he continues to have that same attitude of rushing and pressuring women to marry him. So really its his loss. Not too many people are going to respond well to ultimatiums and even if you or someone else caved in they would resent him 10 years later and want a divorce. You see what I'm getting at??

 

There is a thread I posted about what real love is. It is titled "unconditional love is the answer" You'll find it in one of october's threads. Here is the thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t73826/

 

My gf likes to cook for me but I don't expect her to nor would I ever ask her but I appreciate her for her willingness to do that. Love never demands its own way. I'm the type of person who tries to cut people some slack because that's how I would want to be treated.

[grace2005]

Normally I'd agree with you RP. But this situation is an unusual one. In the guy's position, I would probably have done the same.

 

There comes a time when you want the person you love to commit to you. It's ok to wait for a while, but what if you eventually come to think they're never gonna commit?

 

 

Not necessarily. There's many reasons why people date. Some use dating as the means to find their marriage partner. Others date just to seek compaionship. It does not necessarily have to lead to marriage. It is not a crime to want to date without wanting to get married or not being sure if or when you want to. I'm not in any hurry to get married and neither is my gf. I'm 25 and she's 27 going on 28 in January. She has other matters going on in her life that she and I have agreed to put plans of marriage on the back burner for now. I like the way things are now because I have my own space and individual life activites during the week and I can spend the night with her every other weekend. Even living together out of wedlock would be suffocating right now. If it turns into marriage fine. If we continue to carry on like this for years that's fine too. Maybe I'll marry maybe I won't. I'm letting it happen naturally. If it's meant to happen I don't have to force it. I can't force it. Besides there are other ways of committing to each other without marriage. Just being loyal to one another exclusively is one way.

 

Natilae I just wanted to point out one more thing. I think you seem to be the more mature one in this relationship. I commend you because like other mature individuals understand that there's alot of things at stake when one makes that decision to marry. I would hate to stand at the altar thinking to myself "hmm maybe I'll get divorced someday" There's alot of complications to work out. And for him to blackmail you into it and making you choose an all or nothing deal is childish! If I was in your position I would have walked out the door and never looked back. Why would I want to marry someone who put a gun to my head (figure of speech) to get me to do it??

[Natalie05]

Grace - you are wise beyond your years. Thank you for your comments - you've made me feel 100% better. I think everything happens for a reason and I deserve better. If a man truly loves me he'll support me and respect my feelings. My ex did neither and I think I've just been lonely - thus the reason for wanting to contact him.

 

Thank you my friend.