He keeps telling me to leave.

[SadKitty]

Hello, I'm new here and haven't joined yet but thinking about it. I have read over some of these threads and it seems people are offering good advice, hope someone will have some for me.

 

Background first, I'm married, been married for 14 years, with twin boys who are 10 years of age. Husband and I have been having marriage problems for awhile now. You name it, seems like its about a little bit of everything. We had an arguement last week, about finances, and also about him thinking I need to get a job to help out when he is the one that says he likes me being at home etc.

 

Anyway, before someone asks, yes we have been to counseling several times. Has it helped? Maybe some, but not for the long haul or has anything in our relationship been real consistant. I was upset so I have a tendency to withdrawal when upset and not say alot, its just my nature I guess. Husband can be like that as well, but he can be more talkative than me when it comes to our problems.

 

Here is my question. Not ALL the time, but SOMETIMES when we are having a disagreement about something he will say to me, that if I'm unhappy and tired of the BS I can leave. I have inturn, said the same to him, if YOU'RE unhappy YOU can leave. Neither of us have. Is this typical for people that are having problems to say? I just notice that when he says that, I can't help but wonder if its because hes just mad, or if he really wants me to leave because hes tired of everything as well. I have asked him before why does he stay if he is unhappy, he has basically told me he stays because of the kids. I have stayed because I keep hoping something will change, unfortuanlty it seems its not going too.

 

I understand people stay for different reasons in a unhealthy situation. But, I can't get out of my head that fact he told me he was bascially staying for the kids sake. If he is staying for just the kids sake, is it safe to say this marriage is really over?

[JadeStar]

It all depends on what you both want. If you all have been to counseling, do you think maybe you could try that again, or do you feel thats a waste of time? I don't think its good to stay for the kids sake, but thats just me. Hard to say if he was just saying what he was saying out of anger or if he really meant it. You said you all have been married for 14 years, when did these problems start? The reason I ask is if this has been a few weeks ago or a few months ago, then its probably salavable depending on what you want to do. However, If this has been going on for years, and nothing has seemed to change even with counseling, then maybe you both are wanting out and not sure how to tell the other one, so that wheres "You can leave" comes in.

 

 

Sometimes people will purposly try to sabotage a relationship because they are not sure how to tell the other person or how to get out. So if they feel, for example, by telling you, you can leave, they think if you are the one to leave, then their mind may be free and clear of any guilt. If you feel this marriage is not fixable, and you both are staying, and staying for the wrong reasons, then yes the marriage is pretty much over. Like I said it depends on what you both really want to do.

 

 

 

Jade

[lilmoma1973]

I don't think he wants you to leave my h says this too !! I think we all say things to see what the other person says because we are mad!! I think it is just in the heat of the moment!! Atleast he is going to counseling!!! I think you should look at this site it really neat maybe you and h can work things through good luck http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/myhome.php?

 

 

here is a site to see if your emotional needs are being met!! http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300.html

[Chuckles50]

I would have to say that if this is something he has said before maybe once or even twice, then yes it may be out of anger/frustration, but if he says this most of the time when a disagreement arises, then yes he is probably hinting he wants you to really leave, and he wants out but doesn't know how to tell you.

[Walk]

In arguments, I've told my bf that if he's unhappy then why doesn't he leave. Or that if I'm making him unhappy then he should leave.

 

Partly because I'm frustrated at the time, because it seems like nothing I say or do is getting across to him. Partly because sometimes he makes it sound like I make him unhappy.

 

I can't say for sure what your hubby is thinking. But I know that arguing all the time wears away at people. And after a while it starts to seem like neither one of you are happy, so you question why the other is there in the first place. Seems like that's when people make those comments. "If you're unhappy, then leave." Because it doesn't seem like the other person is happy with anything, and that you can't come to an area where you see eye to eye on.

 

He's not there for just the kids. That wouldn't be enough to hold him. It's been proven by too many men leaving a bad relationship who still want to be with their kids. So although he may be saying that, it's probably more of a defense mechanism. He may not feel safe telling you he stays for you, because that puts the power in your hands. The control. But if it were only because of the kids, it wouldn't be strong enough to hold him in the marriage.

 

Can I ask though... is his main concern about a lack of sex? Or has this been a reocurring problem that he's gotten upset about? Most men don't care about the normal financial problems enough to argue about them, until one of the "needs" they have are not being met. Then they will argue about everything. So if he feels his sexual needs aren't being met, every little thing will become a basis for arguing.

[SadKitty]

Hi thanks for the replies. Its not about sex that we fight, thats not the real issue, that seems to be fine. Just because some others don't argue about finaces doesn't mean some do. We have. However lately it seems that its all we do. Is argue about this and that. I have suggested counseling to him again, he says theres no point, which says to me maybe he is tired of working on the marriage. I have asked him if its me and he says its both of us. I asked him just this morning if he wanted to work on the marriage, he said he didn't know.