Meg_Gem Posted November 14, 2005 Share Posted November 14, 2005 Hi all, I have been married for 2 years. My hubby works in office with several others - male and female. I have lived with hubby for 5 years and his routine has more or less been the same. He finished work at 4.30pm mon to fri - didnt work w'ends ever ( hates working w'ends). Has always been very sexually active too. Always wanted to be with me. I have noticed several things different with him lately tho, first thing was coming home late ( he always used to get angry if finished work late but now he doesnt seem to mind), He has got another mobile phone, says new one for work but he still uses both. Why?? He recently bought several new items of clothing for "work". And now keeps warning me that he will soon maybe have to work w'ends. What I cant understand is that a few weeks ago alot of managers and casual workers got laid off due to less work, so how come my hubby has more work? Last week I called him to see what time he home for tea and he snapped at me "GET OFF MY F*****G CASE!" - that was 1st time I had called him that day. Rather than having this worry me and make me feel crap I just want a sure way of finding out if he is having affair. Oh and he doesnt respond to my sexaul advances now, only has sex when he wants it. Please help me Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted November 14, 2005 Share Posted November 14, 2005 Oh gosh hun, the signs are definatly pointing towards the fact something is up! This seems like right many things that have changed too. The new mobile phone, working longer and now on weekends. New clothes, sex has changed. Him being snappy. What does your gut instinct say to you about all this? Hopefully someone else can advise you on what to do, just wanted you to know that yeah something is fishy! Jade Link to post Share on other sites
SMHappyface Posted November 14, 2005 Share Posted November 14, 2005 Oh girl, I feel for you. Trust your gut, it's right 99% of the time. I just had a similar thing happen to me about a month ago - it was the whole aloof, not sure where he was, having new female "friends" and things like that. I feel your concern and your pain. His behavior is classic cheating behavior, but until you hear it from him or catch him, you don't know for sure. Here's a good way to catch him red-handed (it worked for my friend) go to the gyno and tell him you've contracted and STD (something not obvious) and ask him how you got it because YOU haven't slept around. If he doesn't confess, you can always hire an investigator, or even call in a favor with a girlfriend to spy on him (one he doesn't know you know). I would not have sex with him until this is resolved because you got get all sorts of random stuff and it's not safe. If you cut him off, he just might flip and tell u the truth. I'm so sorry, and you'll be in my prayers. SM Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meg_Gem Posted November 14, 2005 Author Share Posted November 14, 2005 I am trying to see myself from outsiders point of view, see if I am being walked all over, thing is as u both may well know is difficult until u see or hear something that is right in your face. I love him sooo much -- it is making feel sick. I cant afford a detective , hubby has control of most of the money. I did try getting in2 his online banking to see if he been anywhere unusual but he has put false password on his notes! while looking for his password i found a website he had signed up to - was a webcam chat site. I have no family just my daughter. My family died years ago - long story. I live in an isolated village and feel alone, i mean would be good to have someone to talk to sometimes. most of the time i am busy building or repairing pc's which I love doing, but it would be great at end of day to know my hubby coming home to me with "real" love just 4 me. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted November 14, 2005 Share Posted November 14, 2005 I'm sorry you're hurting, I know this is tough. If you can't afford a dettective, and you really want to get the fact about what may or may not be going on. Do you have a friend, someone that you trust that might could do a little detective work for you? Maybe see about his where abouts etc. Or possibly on a night he says he will be working late, could you perhapss show up at his work out of the blue? Is there a way for you to get ahold of his new mobile phone and check things? You could always install a keylogger as well if you want to know whats up with this chat site he goes too. Just some suggestions. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted November 14, 2005 Share Posted November 14, 2005 Don't be a wimp. You have to confront him about the webcam chat sites. Also, it's not acceptable for you to not have access to banking records. Don't you earn some of that money too? But even if you don't, it's not acceptable. You're married, not b/f and g/f. He sounds like a major control freak! Do not let him verbally abuse you. Be strong and stand up to him. He'll have more respect for you in the end...otherwise he will walk all over you and do what he wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meg_Gem Posted November 14, 2005 Author Share Posted November 14, 2005 Thanks I will do that -- I am gonna tell him I want to see bank details tonite when he gets in. I do stand up to him is just that he being so different lately, am not quite sure how to react. Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted November 14, 2005 Share Posted November 14, 2005 Does he use a pc at home? You could get a keylogger which will record all keystrokes on the pc and you can then check his chatting/passwords etc. Might be a good idea if you want hard proof and the chat doesn't come to anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meg_Gem Posted November 14, 2005 Author Share Posted November 14, 2005 I don't think he is up to much on pc - think its something at work, I just told him on phone i want password to bank details -- he said "get on yer bike" - Am gonna hassle him 4 password so I can see where he been on cards - looks like i wont be watching corry lol -- too busy watching him trying to make every excuse under sun not to give me access to bank details. Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted November 14, 2005 Share Posted November 14, 2005 Hey Meg... I'm really sorry for you. It definately sounds like something is up.. and btw he sounds like a rude whatsit as well! There are a lot of people on here who have been through this. Let us know how you get on tonight, we're here to support you! Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted November 14, 2005 Share Posted November 14, 2005 Meg, is your name on the bank accounts? If so you have rights to them. Is your name on anything else in your house? Is it on the mortage if you have one? If so, you have a right to know and have access to all that. I think since he is acting like a controling jerk and that something is really up, he may be one of these people that you simply can not come out and ask a point blank question, because it sounds like he will deny it or not tell you the whole truth about something. I personally don't agree with people who flat out snoop for no reason, just to be doing it, but when someone is in doubt over something and feel they are not or can not get clear cut answers then getting your info however is something that may be the best thing to do. I agree to that the chat site might not be as big of an issue as something going on at work. I think that might be where alot of things lie. Show up one night when he has to work late. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted November 14, 2005 Share Posted November 14, 2005 Hello wake up he is cheating going to them chatsites is cheating!!! He is getting something from it or he wouldn't be do it !! Whether you do the deed or not on the computer or person he is cheating!!! He is menatlly cheating and that is what you call emotional connection !! As for him being controlling it is where he is guilty for what he has done are wanting to do. Get help go to this site really interesting its a marriage site enjoy !!http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/myhome.php?Cat=0ing Link to post Share on other sites
nextel Posted November 14, 2005 Share Posted November 14, 2005 Have enough ammunition to confront him with before you open your mouth about him possibly cheating on you. This might take patience on your part. Study his movements, show up unexpectedly at his job when he says he is working late or lunch times, have access to all information that pertains to the house, finances, investments, etc etc. Do not allow him to single handedly run your life. If you find out that he has too much to you, punish him hard. But before you punish him hard, make sure everyone knows he is married, attend social events together, let the writing me on the wall that you are married and in love, then when shyte hits the roof, go away for a week. He will be a wreck. But what you must understand about life is this.....whatever a person does in the dark will always show in daylight. Link to post Share on other sites
SMHappyface Posted November 14, 2005 Share Posted November 14, 2005 Whatever a person does in the dark will always show in daylight. I love this quote - it makes so much sense. The truth will be uncovered, your sins always come to catch you sooner or later. Sometimes you can expediate that though... Doesn't make the findings any easier tho. Link to post Share on other sites
Worried7 Posted November 14, 2005 Share Posted November 14, 2005 Wow, I know EXACTLY what you're going through. I'm not married yet, thank goodness but I am in a very serious relationship. ( 2 years)..My man has the same symptoms & I don't know what to do about it either but he's getting abusive every time I try to talk to him about something. And there's nothing really taht I can do b/c he lives 2000 miles away at college right now. but wait to see what he really IS doing or option number 2, break it off with him without knowing fully what the whole story is. Link to post Share on other sites
Worried7 Posted November 14, 2005 Share Posted November 14, 2005 OHhhh hhh! And guess what. Right after I posted that he just called and said he's not gonna be able to talk until 8 tonight b/c he's goign to dinner with his friend " mark" who is helping him with homework afterwards..and he was in "class" so he was talking in a super quiet voice. He better not be lying to me it's SO hard to trust him these dayz! What do I DO? HE didn't even say I love you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meg_Gem Posted November 15, 2005 Author Share Posted November 15, 2005 Thanks u guys - u all so supportive, I got him to show me nabk accounts online - in a kinda fashion, he was deffo uncomfortable with it. I got his passwords and have had a godd look thro this morning. Some debits are interesting, one day ( he supposed to be at work) he was in a town about 30 miles from where he works cos he got some money out of machine there, but on same day he filled car up in town where he works - Strange cos he would have to drive along way round just to do that, am wondering if he did it to make it look like he been at work, also he fueled up much more than usual that week. I called him at work today to ask why he in other town then filled up near work - just said he cant remember and that I should stop cross examining him- says he totally devoted to me and i should know that, plus I should be grateful for his support -- Not quite sure what he means by supporting me, think he sees me as little wifey that should be happy and grateful that he married me. He also nearly every day is looking at porn on web, havent said anything bout it but it worries me altho we have regular sex it kinda makes me feel that he isnt getting enuff, if u know what i mean Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 I smell something rotten. Hes telling you you should be grateful, and that you should know he is devoted to you, blah blah blah, but his actions indicate otherwise. Theres redflags all over the map here hun. I think the question is, what do you feel you need to do about it? Alot of times, not ALL the time but some people will deny deny deny that they are doing anything wrong. He seems like one of these types.He is using a tactic , to make you question why you feel the way you do. In other words he wants to make you stop and think to your self,"you know what, hes right I should feel grateful and he is devoted to me, what am I'mthinking? hes not doing anything he shouldn't". Right now I see that as BS! Too many things are saying that something is up. You need to do your work to find out what it is for sure, that is if you even really want to know. Then if you do find out, the next step would be how to go about handling it. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 Couldn't have put it better Jadestar. Meg needs to decide if she really wants to know the truth, and if she does work on a plan of how to find out. It's one of those horrible situations. Sometimes we feel we shouldn't look, and usually it's because we're going to find out something we might wish we never knew. But in the long run.. it's usually better to know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meg_Gem Posted November 16, 2005 Author Share Posted November 16, 2005 Hi guys, I'm having real bad nite, I got in2 online bank accounts to have a look at "our" accounts - hubby found out and went balistic!!!!! Shouting and swearing at me saying some awful things, - I'm really upset and hurt at what he's been saying to me. I am sat here at pc trying calm the tears, hubby upstairs on his pc. I really wanted to leave tonite, felt like he wanted me to go too but I have no family at all and live in tiny village so no real friends. I have young daughter, so must always put her 1st. i am so lost - dont know where to turn - what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 You stated your daughter comes first and that you need to think of her. Then do that, by getting out of that situation. Hes hiding something hun or he wouldn't have acted that way. His behavior over alot of things is not accpetable, something is up. I'm sure you will make the right desicion. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 I feel sorry for you and been there done that as been cheated on before no fun!! My advice is confront him and tell him you know that this mark character is really a woman and you know he is cheating!! See how he reacts to that if he is defensive then he is cheating !! Hire you Pi to follow him or put a keylogger on his computer !! Have you ever checked the history to see where he is going on the computer and who he is talking with !! GOOD LUCK something is up and you got to think about your daughter and what is best!! Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted November 17, 2005 Share Posted November 17, 2005 Probably the best way to find out the truth (before he gives himself away somehow) is to follow him discretely or have someone else follow him. Why go through this nightmare? You should know the truth about your own marriage. I don't understand why he got mad at you for checking his/your bank account. It's yours too and you have a right to view it. He is obviously hiding something. Do you have children? If you don't and if it turns out that he's cheating on you, IMHO you have no reason to stay with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meg_Gem Posted November 17, 2005 Author Share Posted November 17, 2005 my hubby's 1st wife died in car crash, i am his 2nd wife. I found out today that 14 days after wife died he was having sex with a girl from work, hubby's 1st wife's mum very upset, went round to his house and got rid of girl. Now I know that he would cheat on me!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted November 17, 2005 Share Posted November 17, 2005 Oh my hun so sorry to hear. What are you planning on doing now? Jade Link to post Share on other sites
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