He took advantage of me and used me and I still want to help Him. Help me!!!

[EC]

Hi everyone.

 

I'm here with a new drama. Well I need some help. If you read some of my past posts you will understand where this is all coming from. I have had lots of problems with my boyfriend in the past about sex.

We used to have great sex, until I realized he was obssessed with it! And I men what guy isn't right? But with him it was different. He was obssessed with girls and sex and porn! It got to the point that sex wasn't even fun anymore because I felt as if he was just using me as his personal porn star. His personal toy which he used to fufill his every fantasy. Which I mean I was ok with some things, but others I would just be like "Are you serious?" and he was.

Then he was obssessed with recieving head ALL the time. I wouldn't mind everyonce in a while but I mean he wanted it all the time. Then he would check out girls in front of me, and suggest we bring other girls into bed with us, and watching porn all the time.

Dont get me wrong in all other aspects my bf is my dream guy. I mean he is always there to listen and is always there when I need him. He supports me, he is my best friend. Its just he's this horrible person when it comes to sex. Its like hes a different person.

He was raped by a man when he was 8 so I'm thinking it has to do with that. He to this day has never told another person about it, only me, and has never gone to therapy or anything for it.

Anyways, so It got to the point where sex just wan't fun anymore and it was actually traumatizing to me so I couldn't take it anymore and I said I was not going to have sex with him for a while. I did this thinking he would come to appreciate me more in the bedroom and that something would snap in his head. Well, he took it as I didn't love him anymore and became very depressed. He thought I wasn't attracted to him anymore. I tried explaining that wasn't the problem but he didn't get it. I asked him no sex for a week and no pron or mastubating for a week. He agreed.

Then I caught him the same day watching porn and masturbating.

I was miserable.

Then he did the inconceivable. We went out dancing ( still with the no sex rule ) and I got super drunk. I mean I was blasted. He was a little typsy and we had a great time. Well we get to his house because I was going to sleep over and he carries me to the bed. Now I am completely trashed but I can still sort of fell whats going on. It felt like I was falling in and out of sleep. Well I guess he figured I was trashed and decided to open my mouth and insert his member in there and proceeded to have his way with my mouth until he finished. I was so drunk though that I was disoriented. I couldn't stop it. It actually felt like I was dreaming.

When I awoke the next morning I really didnt remember and he didn't say anything about it. I could remember the night but the details were foggy. It wasn't until I noticed some stuff in my hair that it all came back to me.

I flipped out on him. I packed all my things and told him it was the last straw and that I was gone.

Thats when he had an emotional breakdown. He said he was so sorry. That he knew he hasn't been appreciating me latley and that he knew this. He thenbroke down and admitted he had a problem. He said he was obssessed and didn't know why but that he could not control it. He said he needed me to help him and not give up on him. He begged me not to give up on me and swore he would never do that to him again. He begged me again to help him with this problem and not to give on us or him. He told me he thinks it has to do with the fact that he was raped at such a young age.

More went on but I'm trying to keep it short.

Anyways How can I help him?? I love this guy, he is my world, my reason for smiling. I don't want to give up on him but I have no idea how to help him??

Where can I start?

[westernxer]

He needs a therapist, not a girlfriend.

 

He's destroying himself, and he's destroying you, too.

[Outcast]

If this person won't go to a competent therapist, there's nothing you can do. Tell him you don't have the expertise needed to really help him and that he is going to have to grow up, decide to help himself, and do whatever it takes, including going to therapy. If you become his therapist it will change your relationship and not for the good.

[EC]

Thank you guys.

 

The thing is even though he is 21 his parents own him financially while they are putting him through school. He doesn't pay for anything.

 

He hasn't told them about the rape and frankly I dont know what would happen if he did. It would open up a huge can of worms. The only way he could get help from a therapist would be to tell his parents.

 

I dont want to force him, this is something he has to do when he needs to.

 

Should I break it off for a while until he can figure this out? Give him breathing space. Because I definitely understand that in order to take this relationship seriously and in order for it to work he needs help.

 

Im so confused.

[westernxer]

The worms are busting out the sides of the can already.

[Outcast]

The only way he could get help from a therapist would be to tell his parents.

 

Not the case. He first goes to his physician because of something (not feeling well, anger, whatever). Physician recommends a referral to psychiatrist. He can tell his parents he's got anger problems or is very depressed - they don't need to know what he's talking to the psych about and the psych isn't allowed to tell them.

[EC]

Thank you Outcast for that information. Thats exactly what I'm going to suggest he do.

 

I just hope his parents will understand that he needs to see someone. He has come to them with the fact that he has anger problems and wanted to talk to a professional, because in addition to his obssession he does have anger problems. And they responded with " Your not crazy you don't need that. Talk to us about your problems. "

[Outcast]

Oh crap. Well apparently first he needs to educate them about mental ailments and that having one doesn't mean you're 'crazy'.

 

Why not trying to Google support groups for people with sexual obsessions in your area? Maybe there's free or cheap help available that he can have. It's going to be a big job educating his folks, I fear.

 

Isn't he a student? Can he go to the school counseling service?

[westernxer]

Who raped him, a family member?

[EC]

westernxer_ He was raped by a close friend of the family.

 

Outcast- Yes he can go to the school counseling. I'm not sure how he feels about that but if he really wants help then he should have no problem going.

 

As for the relationship part...should I back off for a while and tell him we need some space until he gets help?

[westernxer]

As for the relationship part...should I back off for a while and tell him we need some space until he gets help?

 

It's up to you, but based on what you said (and what he did to you while drunk), it's probably for the best.

[freckles3131]

Sexual "disfunction" i.e being sexually obsessed or...the other side...repressed is a direct by product of being abused...among 1,001 other issue that go along with it...low self-esteem, flashbacks(sometimes just smells or sounds), equating sex with love, inability to trust, get close, etc...etc...read up on what sexual abuse does to a person and how damaging it is...it effects people in many ways and at different levels. And.....until someone gets therapy....probably will never get over any of it.(seemingly yes...by repressing/denial, BUT....it's residue will come out in relationships consciously or unconsciously....probably half the people that have gone through this...don't even realize how much it effects them on a daily basis...once they get into therapy they then realize and can start the healing process....you can't be his savior...you can support him, but it is something he will have to go through at his own pace...and only when he is ready. Taking that first step is the hardest. But, I can guarantee...it will be the best thing he will ever do in his life....just be ready, should you stick it out with him, he will go through many phases during his therapy...clinging on tightly, pushing you away, depression, anger, sadness...it's a bumpy ride......just read as much as you can...also on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder...it's usually something someone who has gone through this is experiencing...read about it...print it out....maybe him seeing "himself" and why he is like that AND that he can change it...and live a better/happier life...might get him to see the importance of outside help.....educate yourself now though.....

[freckles3131]

I would say if he refused to step up to the plate and get some outside help/therapy...then you will have no choice but to step back...I personally wouldn't stay with him UNLESS he gets help.........

[Mz. Pixie]

EC-

 

The huge can of worms needs to be opened. Regardless if this is a family friend. He needs to be punished for what he's done and he doesn't need to be allowed to do it to anyone else.

 

Keeping silent is killing your BF. I understand he's mortified and embarrassed but he has nothing to be ashamed of. He was a child, this person was an adult and he didn't deserve the abuse. The huge can of worms?? This adult shouldn't have molested him if he didn't want it opened. By protecting his abuser he's giving him power too.

 

Of course a therapist will help with all of this.

 

Isn't this guy actually your husband and you guys got married before??

Or do I have you confused with someone else?

[just_this]

when you were passed out.

 

that's rape.

 

Your description of his obsession & behaviors also fit the profile of a sex addict - someone who is compulsive about sex, porn, masturbation, etc. anger problems & substance problems are also often part of that profile.

 

here's a link with some good info to start with:

 

http://www.sexhelp.com/sa_q_and_a.cfm

 

also google "sex addicts" & "codependents of sex addicts"

 

and look on amazon for books about sex addicts.

 

it's unlikely he's going to change any time soon, and if he does, it won't be because of you - it'll only be when he's hit bottom (if he ever does) and decides to come clean with himself and get help.

 

he's also likely to get worse before he ever gets better. he's already raped you - what more do you want to happen?

 

to help yourself, you could try to find a Co-dependents of Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting in your area - they saved my sanity 12 years ago when i found out about my (now-ex) husband and his secret life.