second chance is working out

[grace2005]

Today is the 3rd full day of me and my ex girlfriend being back together. So far the second chance is working out so good. I think the tables have turned in our relationship a little. We were broken up for 2.5 months and I wanted her back more than anything and I still do and I'm happy I got her back. I just suggested to her that we take it slow. It is still early on. She wanted to rush back into bed right away and I told her that it will not be a good idea and to just wait until the holidays. So that's where the tables have turned. She not only wants me back but wants to move faster. I worked very hard to re-iginite her spark and I think taking it slow will leave her wanting more of me later on as the holidays get here.

 

Anyway I'm glad we reconciled before the holidays because now I can plan out certain activites and meals to cook for her. I went to see her again yesterday and we talked more. It does not feel like I've returned to an old relationship but rather entered a new one with the same person. The renewed bliss and freshness is better than when we first began dating 2 years and 10 months ago.

 

Next time I see her won't be until the day after thanksgiving. I'm going to spend 2 nights with her. It may not be a good idea to see her before then since both of us end up giving into temptation to kiss and other forms of physical contact beyond hugging. So NC early on in a reconciliation for some would mean no physical contact beyond hugging and holding hands. I'm not saying that this is an absolute rule for everyone. It's just that when she said she wanted to try again then she handed the ball in my court and now I get to decide how fast or how slow to take things. Since it is still early, I think it's best to let her be the one to call me a couple times first before I call her.

 

The 2.5 month break up was good for us. We both learned alot and matured and we have more respect for each other. If we had continued to carry on like we did without that 2.5 month break up then we would've had that same stale relationship because it did get pretty stale before the end of the summer. I marked it on my calendar. We broke up over the phone on thursday night August 25th, 2005 and reconciled friday night november 11th, 2005. Yes those were 2.5 months of hell but 2.5 months of a good learning experience for me. It still feels like I'm dreaming because I have had several dreams at night during those 2.5 months of us reconciling. I keep pinching myself everyday to make sure it's a reality. I pinch myself and see with my own eyes that it is reality and I still can't believe it!

 

Anyway good luck to all of you out there. I hope everyone gets the second chance that they want. I hope your dreams become a reality for you all. I'm not leaving LS at all. I will stick around and help anyone out there the best I can with getting their second chance. I consider myself blessed to get my wish. Good luck and God bless everyone. May the grace & peace of our God & Savior Jesus Christ be with you for all eternity!

[AltplanB]

I think our situations are somewhat similer and would like for you to give me advice on my situation and how best to handle it through your experiance. I want to have things work out the way things have worked out for you. I am probably going through the same hell you went through and i would like to know how you handled the situation and the contact with her. Thanks.

[downcydeguy]

It's great that things have made a turn for the good man! What did you two do during the 2 1/2 month break? Did either of you date other people? Did you just focus on work? Did you have strict NC the whole time?

 

Again, congrats and good luck!

[fubafubafuba]

Interesting in know how often you guys talked, saw each other, etc. during the elapsed time. Also what things did you talk about during this time.

 

In the same situation....any advice would help.

 

Thanks.

[grace2005]

Hmmm. Let's see well in the early days of the break up I didn't know anything about this no contact business. Actually she was the one who initiated NC with me that night she broke up with me over the phone. She didn't think it was a good idea for us to talk for awhile. She said she would call me or text message me over the computer when she was ready to talk to me as a friend. After 3 days of NC I called her house. I deliberately called on a night that I knew she would not be home because I wanted to talk to her father. Then after that I waited 2 nights and called her house again to talk to her. It turned out she wasn't home that night either. Then I waited 5 days and called again.

 

On september 5th she pms me on yahoo messenger and I could tell she was very irritated and still upset. I think even more irritated because she knows I tried to call her many times in that first week of the break up. So we kept in contact over the computer every other day the week of sept.5th-9th.

 

It was not until september 16th that I came to these threads at LS and learned about NC. Actually the first thread I saw on this subject was dreamguy's thread from June 22nd, 2004 titled "no contact rule works" and lost_in_chgo's thread "lost guide to the no contact policy". So after that I decided I would cut all contact with her not just to give her space to miss me and maybe come back but also so I could get my emotions under control. I enforced strict NC for a period of 32 days. During that period she called me 3 times and sent me an offline message. So at the end of the 32 days I felt like I had calmed down enough to open the door for correspondence with her. I figured that if I wanted to reconcile then I need to call her once as a signal to let her know that my door is open.

 

I broke NC on october 20th by calling. She wasn't home but she returned my call the next day. We talked for maybe 15 minutes and she said I was welcome to come see her. I made the mistake on september 5th asking to see her and she was still irritated and said she didn't know. But by the 21st of october the walls started to come down a little on her end. We didn't talk again until the 25th on yahoo messenger. She initiated contact with me on there. We just talked friendly and polite about things going on in the world and asked her how her family was doing and she told me she got a new computer.

 

Finally on october 28th I met her face-face after 2 months. I took the chance of buying her flowers and a friendship card and she gratefully accepted them. We ate dinner at her house and visited some friends. Just before I was leaving her house that night she initiated talk of the relationship with a question and then I responded. Next thing I know we got alot of things out on the table. She told me she lost the spark for me. At that point she was still uncertain about coming back but at the minimum she wanted to remain my friend for certain. She said she was leaving it in God's hands. I agreed.

 

After our visit I went back to applying NC for 10 days. She called me on the 8th day. After 10 days I decided that I would spend quality time with her as a friend to see if that would rekindle the flame. So I called her and she asked me where I was 2 days ago when she tried to call me. She also asked why she did not see me online at all. But I asked her what her plans were for november 11th and she said she was still up to playing pool. After we hung out to play pool and eat ice cream she told me she wants to try again. She had been doing alot of thinking since the previous visit from october 28th. The walls really came down completely that night. She said she missed me so much during the last 2.5 months. Even though I didn't do strict NC the whole 2.5 months she still missed me.

 

So that's my story in a nutshell. I can elaborate on some things if you have questions.

[grace2005]

It's great that things have made a turn for the good man! What did you two do during the 2 1/2 month break? Did either of you date other people? Did you just focus on work? Did you have strict NC the whole time?

 

Again, congrats and good luck!

 

 

During the 2.5 month break up I dated someone else for just 1 night. It was mostly a discreet relationship. I wanted to get laid since 6 weeks have passed since the break up. That was a big mistake because after sleeping with her I paid for it in my own soul. I went all the way back to square one in the healing process and started missing my ex more.

 

Now my ex didn't date anyone else nor was she looking for anybody to the best of my knowledge. She said she really didn't have time to date anyone else because she has a busy schedule during the week of taking care of her grandmother. Plus the fact she can't drive due to medical conditions. So she wouldn't have the time or means necessary to go meet anyone. All she did during that time was go to church and keep busy with her grandma.

 

I on the other hand spent the NC period reading threads about no contact, reading new books, eating at new restaraunts (which I can take her to now that she's back), visiting my grandmother for 2 nights. Hanging out with friends, working. But no matter what I did she was consuming my every thought night and day. I couldn't concentrate on my reading material during the month of september. I calmed down in middle of october.

[AltplanB]

What would you have done if she slept with someone during that time or she met someone else and dated for a few weeks? Do you think things can work after that?

 

My ex gf broke up with me so that she could go out and meet other people for a while. First it was a break up, now were just on a break. I think that she is gonna sleep with someone cause i have heard of a lot of my buddies trying. If she does, i don't know what my reaction will be when i find out. Suggestions?

[gordon_gc]

First of all,

 

I'd like to say congratulation to you grace2005. Happy to hear things worked out the way you wanted to.

 

You taking it slow is a good idea I think and obviously, you guys took the time to think about the issues you had before getting involved in what is now a new relationship.

 

I wondered if you could give me advices on a thread I posted. You now have a clear vision on the whole steps and would really appreciated your help. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t75041/

Thanks

[grace2005]

What would you have done if she slept with someone during that time or she met someone else and dated for a few weeks? Do you think things can work after that?

 

My ex gf broke up with me so that she could go out and meet other people for a while. First it was a break up, now were just on a break. I think that she is gonna sleep with someone cause i have heard of a lot of my buddies trying. If she does, i don't know what my reaction will be when i find out. Suggestions?

 

 

Well as far as I'm concerned she could date and sleep with whoever she wants since we were not dating at the time. The very second she asked for a break up was the very second she and I were both free to date and sleep with whoever we want whenever we want. I would rather her break up with me first than to cheat on me if she wants to mess around with other guys.

 

Can things work out after that? It depends on whether or not she comes to her senses and sees that she gave up something good we had between us. Now had my ex been seeing someone else I would have enforced strict NC. If she broke up with you for the reasons you just stated then there's alot of uncertainty as to why she would come back if she comes back to you at all. If she does come back just be careful and take it slow and make sure she is coming back for the right reasons not just to use you as a backup plan.

 

Have you tried NC yet? I would stop initating contact with her and see what effect it will have. If she calls you, then you may take some of her calls but ignore some other calls too. Make sure you hang up first after like 5 minutes. Act like you are busy. Be mysterious. If she sees that you are not pursuing it may raise her curiousity and that's when she will try calling you many times if you ignore the first couple of calls. The thing is if you still want her back then you will have to decide how long you are willing to play the waiting game. It could be a long wait since she is seeing someone else. Even if it's just a rebound relationship you should expect at least a 90 day wait. Did she give you any reason why she wanted to date other people? Was she bored with the relationship? Did she feel smothered? Did she feel neglected? I hope this helps.

[grace2005]

First of all,

 

I'd like to say congratulation to you grace2005. Happy to hear things worked out the way you wanted to.

 

You taking it slow is a good idea I think and obviously, you guys took the time to think about the issues you had before getting involved in what is now a new relationship.

 

I wondered if you could give me advices on a thread I posted. You now have a clear vision on the whole steps and would really appreciated your help. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t75041/

Thanks

 

 

Hey gordon I just read the thread you posted. I would advise you to continue giving her space since she said she felt suffocated in the relationship. Let her continue to intiate all the calls. Take the calls if you are still interested in reconciling but just don't get your hopes up every time she calls. I think you are doing the right thing by responding and being civil. Give her whatever time she needs to sort out her feelings.

What reasons do you have to suspect she is using you? It could be that she is feeling guilty and that's why she calls or it could be she's curious as to why you are not pursuing her. At the end of the day you have to decide how long you are willing to wait. I'm not going to tell you that you should move on. I don't think that moving on is the only solution. It should be a last resort after trying other approaches. She may be doubting her decision right now. Have you thought about sending her gifts like flowers and candy and/or friendship card?

[gordon_gc]

Hey gordon I just read the thread you posted. I would advise you to continue giving her space since she said she felt suffocated in the relationship. Let her continue to intiate all the calls. Take the calls if you are still interested in reconciling but just don't get your hopes up every time she calls. I think you are doing the right thing by responding and being civil. Give her whatever time she needs to sort out her feelings.

What reasons do you have to suspect she is using you? It could be that she is feeling guilty and that's why she calls or it could be she's curious as to why you are not pursuing her. At the end of the day you have to decide how long you are willing to wait. I'm not going to tell you that you should move on. I don't think that moving on is the only solution. It should be a last resort after trying other approaches. She may be doubting her decision right now. Have you thought about sending her gifts like flowers and candy and/or friendship card?

 

Thanks for your advices grace2005, I might also be really naive but think the move on thing should be the last option after trying everything else. I actually see moving on more as trying to learn more about myself, becoming a better person, understanding my issues.

Anyway, I suspect she is "using me" for several reasons. We have been together for a year and I believe stopping all contacts from a day to another is hard for me but also for her. As written in my thread, she feels something is missing in her life and that something is me, my support, my respect, my appreciation, my love. Obviously, she feels bad about the choice she has done. She wants to make herself feel better and maybe not as guilty after breaking my heart.

Anyway, I am just analysing but cannot really know what is going through her head.

 

I thought about sending something but I believe that would just pressure her even more and confuse her even more if she needs to think about us.

[grace2005]

Yeah it is better not to analyze every little detail or you drive yourself crazy. She may be truly lost as she has told you. But I think you are doing the right thing by keeping your distance but also keeping your door open. Anyway keep us posted and good luck to you.

[grace2005]

I just got off the phone with my girlfriend. She called me for the first time since we got back together friday. I went to see her sunday. All I have to do is wait for her to call me 2 more times before I call her. Then after that I can go back to initating calls as usual.

[grace2005]

I plan to intiate calls every 4 to 5 days

[J dub]

Grace, I can understand your cautious behavior but in all due respect - shes back with you... Let things flow naturally, not on some "schedule" youve created.

[jomaxfury]

Grace,

What advice would you give me, If I went total NC since the first minute of the break up. Two months later She emailed me for my birthday with one line...which I did not reply, also her birthday is in the same month I did not emailed also for her B-Day... This was a two year intimate relationship and she left to be with someone else and took all those broken promises with her...I have not seen her since then, I have seen her from away because she goes to my University. As for the breakup I told her, take care, bye...thats after she told me that she was starting to like other people. But wanted me understand her...LOL She has done this over the phone before and came back crying to me the next day. :mad: I will never hook up with a 18-20yr old again!!!

What do you think? after three months I feel so much better now that she is not in my life, maybe because I have so much hatred and anger towards her for all the thing she put me through. Eventhough sometimes I feel lonely. Is their any chance? what do you think? Just curious because, after three months I feel so much better!!!!