Need some advice....

[WhatToDo?]

...from impartial sources. Everyone who knows me has a biased opinion on this subject, so I decided to post it anonymously on the 'net to see what kind of impartial thoughts I get.

 

I've known this guy, we'll call him Bob, since we were in high school together. For three years, we didn't see one another at all, but have recently begun spending time together again. I was attracted to him in high school, and I definitely still am now. I found out a couple of weeks ago that he really, really liked me then, and I'm pretty sure he still does.

 

Problem is, he has a long-time girlfriend. I'm almost positive she doesn't like me at all (though I know she's unaware of this mutual attraction). She also treats him pretty badly; frequently finds excuses not to spend time with him, complains the whole time when they DO manage to see one another, etc. She "schedules" time with him about once every three weeks, and they only live 5 miles apart. He works a lot, which makes it difficult for him to see her, but when he does have time, she conveniently makes herself unavailable.

 

He says he THINKS he loves her, but I told him that if you're not absolutely sure you do, then you probably don't. I asked him if he really loved her, or if he was just comfortable in the relationship, and he got really uncomfortable and told me not to ask him questions like that. I'm pretty sure the romance is gone from that relationship.

 

Meanwhile, when he and I spend time together, we have a great time. Constant flirting, teasing, lots of hugs.... I feel a bit guilty about it, though, b/c he IS in a relationship. My thinking is that he's stayting w/ her b/c A) he's comfortable, and B) he and I attend colleges in two different towns.

 

A couple of weeks ago, I turned 21. Bob, a couple of friends, and I went camping on Monday night, and then boating on his parent's boat on Tuesday. Had a ball! Bob and I, however, ended up sharing a two-person tent. Nothing happend, but I did wake up the next morning snuggled up to him, and his arms were around me (and yes, he was awake). Initially, I chalked his flirtation up to too much to drink, but he was still flirty and stuff the next day when he was stone sober.

 

And it's not just playful little flirtatious stuff. We had a chance to spend some time alone together while boating (the other guys out with us had swam to the beach on the lake to pick up girls), and had some nice, serious talks. Nothing flirty about it, just nice, comfortable talking. When he took me back to my parent's house that evening, he held me for a long time when he hugged me good-bye, and told me he'd see me again soon....

 

A few days ago (Independance Day), I spent the day hanging out w/ my "posse" at an all day music fest. We found out that Bob and his girlfriend were nearby, getting ready to watch the fireworks, and a friend and his girlfriend decided to drive over and "kidnap" Bob. They asked me to go w/ them. I finally agreed to go. We pulled up, and told him where we were. He asked who was with us, and when he realized that I was there, he jumped in his car and followed us back over to the music festival.

 

Leaving his girlfriend behind.

 

He and I ended up watching the fireworks together, and spent the evening running around together and listening to bands. He finally had to leave so he could get up early the next morning, so I walked him to his car. I hugged him good-bye, and somehow (and I really don't remember exactly HOW it happened -- these few minutes are a complete blur to me) we ended up kissing. I honestly don't know who kissed who, but we were both pretty suprised by it. Knocked us both for a loop. It was just a brief, little brush of the lips, but doesn't the song say "a kiss is still a kiss"?

 

All of our friends are trying to gently push him in my direction because they all feel that his girlfriend isn't good enough for him. No one particularly cares for the way she treats him, nor does anyone particularly care for her.

 

I'm not sure what to do! I really like him, and I'm 99.9% sure he feels the same, but I don't want to pressure him and make things complicated. Just from talking to him, I get the feeling that he's confused about what to do about me, and what to do about the g/f. As I said, I feel kinda guilty for flirting w/ him and stuff. Every time I know I'm going to see him, I promise myself that I won't, but I end up doing it anyway.

[sparkle]

As long as Bob has a girlfriend, you should be cautious and keep your relationship with him on a strictly "friendship" level. It's great that you two get along so well, are attracted to each other, and have a great time together.

 

BUT HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND. IT does not matter how bad she treats him, HE is still with her. No one is pointing a gun at his head and forcing him to stay with her. He is with her out of his own free will. If he's not happy with her, he has every right to break up with her this very second. So ask yourself....why hasn't he broken up with her?

 

And if he wants to be with you, he would also break up with her. Until then, stay just "friends" with him or you may end up getting hurt. Who knows when he'll break up with her?

 

This brings up another point. Look at it from a different point of view. Let's say you have a boyfriend, Dick. Now Dick is dating you, but he meets this other girl. Now he's attracted to the other girl but he doesn't tell you. He's still your boyfriend yet he goes camping with this girl, he cuddles up with this girl, he flirts with her, he hugs her, he kisses her. What would you think of him then? He would be the type of guy that CHEATS on his girlfriend. Now doesn't Dick sound like a dick?

 

And would you want to be with a guy that cheats on his girlfriend? Could you really trust him not to do that to you?

 

I hope you see what I'm trying to say. Until he breaks up with his girlfriend, it is best to stay strictly friends with him.

 

You should make this clear to him as well. Tell him that, while you are attracted to him and would like to be with him, you cannot mess around with a guy who has a girlfriend. That is just plain wrong. And tell him to give you a call when he's single and you MAY still be around then.

[Laurynn]

One thing that really struck me as odd, was how he so easily LEFT his girlfriend on the night of July 4th....he just left here there by herself, to watch the fireworks alone? How mean and rude and insensitive and thoughtless is that? That night, did he treat HER any better than she supposedly treats him?

 

This guy needs to p*ss or get off the pot. Right now he has the best of both worlds.....he has the comfort and familiarity of his steady girlfriend, and he has YOU for a nice diversion/to flirt with/to hang with. Why on earth would he HAVE to come to a decision about WHO he wants to be with? He's got it made in the shade now.

 

Regardless of what a bee-itch his girlfriend is, he's still made the decision to remain in the relationship with her. Why? Is she not as bad as he/his friends lead you to believe? Is he a wimp who can't stand up for himself? Does he get his kicks out of having 2 women wanting him?

 

I think you need to back off here......and spend less time with him. Bob needs to come to a decision on his own. He has to choose between you and her. You don't need to help him make that decision or else that will mean you affected his decision, then you'll wonder if his heart really wanted to be with you?!

 

I have no respect for a man (or woman) who continues in a relationship that they're not happy in, just leading that other person on....that's so cowardly, unfair, rude, immature.

 

I hope Bob gets with the program soon. Until then, do not flirt, do not hug, do NOT KISS.....be strictly platonic...and if he asks you WHY you're not your usual self, just tell him that you don't believe it's right to be so friendly with someone who's got a girlfriend.

 

L

[WhatToDo?]

One thing that really struck me as odd, was how he so easily LEFT his girlfriend on the night of July 4th....he just left here there by herself, to watch the fireworks alone? How mean and rude and insensitive and thoughtless is that? That night, did he treat HER any better than she supposedly treats him?

She had several of her friends with her. He did hesitate, and looked from me to her and back. She told him to go on, and kinda acted like she might prefer to spending the evening w/ her friends rather than him....

[sparkle]

Thanks for clearing that up, although I don't think who his gf stayed with was the main point of Laurynn's post or mine...focus on the rest of her post. She is absolutely right. The big problem is that he has a girlfriend, he is cheating on her with you. Now what do you think about that?