Love's Second Act.

[Alpacalia]

When do you start dating after the end of a long term relationship? When my engagement ended, I didn't seriously date for 4 years. My last long term relationship ended a couple of months ago and I was curious how long others waited. 

Is it a matter of meeting the right person? Circumstances? Or simply when you feel ready?

[FredEire]

14 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

When do you start dating after the end of a long term relationship? When my engagement ended, I didn't seriously date for 4 years. My last long term relationship ended a couple of months ago and I was curious how long others waited. 

Is it a matter of meeting the right person? Circumstances? Or simply when you feel ready?

My last (and only) serious relationship ended four years ago also. It wasn't until about a year and a half ago that that relationship was, I felt, fully out of my system and I was ready to meet new people.

I find it a challenge to meet anyone I feel a real romantic connection with, it's a rare occurrence. I'm fascinated by people who just decide one day "ok I'm ready to date" and are in a serious relationship days or weeks later.

Either they find it much easier to develop romantic feelings than I do or they have a "you'll do" mindset of whoever is interested in them is good enough to settle down with. Sadly it seems to be very common, people together who don't even like eachother because they don't think they have any other options. It seems like hell to me, I'd rather end up alone.

So I suppose in my opinion it's a combination of when you feel you're ready and whenever the universe decides you are. As long as that old relationship is still in your system it'll just be one frustrating experience after another or settling for less with someone you don't really like.

Edited March 3 by FredEire

[d0nnivain]

It's when you feel ready.  I usually knew in my heart things were done before the old relationship ended.  So I didn't need more time to process.  As I got older it did take more time to find a new partner.   There's no magic formula.  

[Els]

It depends on how you feel, I think. If you find yourself still giving a lot of headspace to your ex or your previous relationship, then it's probably a bad idea to try dating. Otherwise, I think you should be fine.

[smackie9]

It depends on where your emotions are at. I usually started dating when the opportunity arose. Could be a couple of weeks to a month maybe. But wasn't looking for anything serious. Just dated to go out, get some sex, etc. A serious relationship usually didn't happen until about a year and a half later.

[Alpacalia]

14 hours ago, FredEire said:

My last (and only) serious relationship ended four years ago also. It wasn't until about a year and a half ago that that relationship was, I felt, fully out of my system and I was ready to meet new people.

I find it a challenge to meet anyone I feel a real romantic connection with, it's a rare occurrence. I'm fascinated by people who just decide one day "ok I'm ready to date" and are in a serious relationship days or weeks later.

Either they find it much easier to develop romantic feelings than I do or they have a "you'll do" mindset of whoever is interested in them is good enough to settle down with. Sadly it seems to be very common, people together who don't even like eachother because they don't think they have any other options. It seems like hell to me, I'd rather end up alone.

So I suppose in my opinion it's a combination of when you feel you're ready and whenever the universe decides you are. As long as that old relationship is still in your system it'll just be one frustrating experience after another or settling for less with someone you don't really like.

Yes, I suppose since my most recent relationship was really good that there is a fear of not being able to meet someone as good. When I sleep well at night, I always say 'it happens when it happens- don't worry about it'. It is rare to make a real romantic connection, isn't it? It's been like 4 in my lifetime for me, but who knows-it could be a million times better next time. I mean, I still think about it- hell, we just parted ways 2 months ago, but it doesn't haunt me and I can take the valuable skills he taught me into my next relationship someday. 

Whereas when my engagement ended, it resulted in harm to me, so I had to work on some things within myself to learn to trust and build walls down so I can be vulnerable with someone again.

I'm not just dating anyone who shows interest in me. 

I crush on people here and there now (a small community I live in) or people on TV ha, but if you wait to stop having feelings for someone you may never fall for anyone new.

[Wiseman2]

There's really no formula for healing being ready etc. However if you have way too many irons in the fire in your life right now, probably a good time to get some things settled and not drag anyone else into it. 

[Ami1uwant]

On 3/2/2024 at 4:50 PM, Alpacalia said:

When do you start dating after the end of a long term relationship? When my engagement ended, I didn't seriously date for 4 years. My last long term relationship ended a couple of months ago and I was curious how long others waited. 

Is it a matter of meeting the right person? Circumstances? Or simply when you feel ready?

You won’t know till you date to know if you are ready to date.

 

to know if you are ready to date thr factors are…

1. length of relationship

2. how serious was it ( engaged, live together)

3. How it happened? Surprise or was it mutual?

4. why did it happen? Did you catch them cheating on you or having a second life you did not realize? Lost honesty and  trust is a factor.

5. how did the break up go like if you live together or married snd getting divorce 

6. how tied are you to the ex? Have kids together, share a group of friends so you still interact with them

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Yes, I suppose since my most recent relationship was really good that there is a fear of not being able to meet someone as good. When I sleep well at night, I always say 'it happens when it happens- don't worry about it'. It is rare to make a real romantic connection, isn't it? It's been like 4 in my lifetime for me, but who knows-it could be a million times better next time. I mean, I still think about it- hell, we just parted ways 2 months ago, but it doesn't haunt me and I can take the valuable skills he taught me into my next relationship someday. 

Whereas when my engagement ended, it resulted in harm to me, so I had to work on some things within myself to learn to trust and build walls down so I can be vulnerable with someone again.

I'm not just dating anyone who shows interest in me. 

I crush on people here and there now (a small community I live in) or people on TV ha, but if you wait to stop having feelings for someone you may never fall for anyone new.

You sound like you could be still using ex as a benchmark in future dates but you recall the person you got to know over a few years not 1-2 dates.

 

IIRC what broke you two up was because of him moving for work and you couldn’t.  What happens if he was to come back to you ?

 

how old are you now?  Is kids a priority and bio clock is ticking or do you still have time because you are around 30

[Weezy1973]

The fact your last relationship was “good” to me would indicate you could be ready sooner than later. When a relationship ends that wasn’t great sometimes we react trying to find the opposite of what we had, without realizing the good things in the previous relationship. Basically you don’t want to be reacting to what happened, but rather being intentional with your next step. Do you know what you want? Are you looking for marriage? Kids? Casual? One night stand? Once you know what you want, that will help you move forward. Know your core values and deal breakers etc. 

[Alpacalia]

8 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

You sound like you could be still using ex as a benchmark in future dates but you recall the person you got to know over a few years not 1-2 dates.

 

IIRC what broke you two up was because of him moving for work and you couldn’t.  What happens if he was to come back to you ?

 

how old are you now?  Is kids a priority and bio clock is ticking or do you still have time because you are around 30

Yes, he is moving for work and asked me to go with him (and also said he'd stay) but I didn't want to hold him back in his career and I wanted to try living on my own and find my own path.

I also had some family health issues at the time so I couldn't leave. 

Children are not a priority for me. No, I am older than 30 and I don't feel (nor have I ever felt this way...) a sense of urgency about having kids. I always envisioned myself having a family in the future but I'm also content with being single and on my own if that's how things turn out. 

The comment about having too many irons in the fire in my life right now, yes, I thought about that with my father. By ex was very supportive with that so I think it's just a matter of someone being able to balance everything with me. I definitely don't want to spread myself too thin or neglect anyone or any aspect of my life. Thank you for bringing that up.

A lot of food for thought, thank you! There are some other things that I am not particularly letting go of and I wonder if I need to. For instance, the confidence/self-validation thing. I feel like I had a good sense of confidence before and during the relationship, but over the past few months I have lost it. Even small things like I am more self-conscious, second-guessing decisions, scrutinizing mistakes, etc. The ex was great at that. I can feel now that I am getting a better sense of myself but it's a lot harder and slipperier now.

I wonder if that can be the case for me or if there is a deeper unacknowledged barrier/problem here.

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Yes, he is moving for work and asked me to go with him (and also said he'd stay) but I didn't want to hold him back in his career and I wanted to try living on my own and find my own path.

I also had some family health issues at the time so I couldn't leave. 

Children are not a priority for me. No, I am older than 30 and I don't feel (nor have I ever felt this way...) a sense of urgency about having kids. I always envisioned myself having a family in the future but I'm also content with being single and on my own if that's how things turn out. 

The comment about having too many irons in the fire in my life right now, yes, I thought about that with my father. By ex was very supportive with that so I think it's just a matter of someone being able to balance everything with me. I definitely don't want to spread myself too thin or neglect anyone or any aspect of my life. Thank you for bringing that up.

A lot of food for thought, thank you! There are some other things that I am not particularly letting go of and I wonder if I need to. For instance, the confidence/self-validation thing. I feel like I had a good sense of confidence before and during the relationship, but over the past few months I have lost it. Even small things like I am more self-conscious, second-guessing decisions, scrutinizing mistakes, etc. The ex was great at that. I can feel now that I am getting a better sense of myself but it's a lot harder and slipperier now.

I wonder if that can be the case for me or if there is a deeper unacknowledged barrier/problem here.

Sounds like you were very comfortable with your ex and the support but now you have to do these other things you didn’t have to worry/ do. Add that to your family illness and other things possibly make you prone for maybe getting into a relationship you shouldn’t get into for the wrong reasons.

 

 

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

Sounds like you were very comfortable with your ex and the support but now you have to do these other things you didn’t have to worry/ do. Add that to your family illness and other things possibly make you prone for maybe getting into a relationship you shouldn’t get into for the wrong reasons.

 

 

Thanks. 

I know what I want, I want a man that is okay with it if I am busy with life things but also able to vocalize if he doesn't feel like I am prioritizing him. I want a man that is supportive of me and I won't settle for less.

This thread has really helped me sort my thoughts. Thank you for your response! I really appreciate it.

Edited March 4 by Alpacalia

[basil67]

I met my husband two months after the end of my first marriage.  I certainly wasn't looking for a new partner, but likewise, I'm not one to let a good thing go ❤️ 

My sister left her abusive husband for a lovely man she'd had an exit affair with.  No break at all there, and they still loving life together 20 years later.  

[Foxhall]

A little time out is no harm perhaps- how long I dont know- 6 months- 12 months,  

I am starting to think one could meet someone when they are not really looking,

maybe a person is forcing it too much when they are very active on the online apps- though I imagine this can be a plan once you have had enough of being single,

that few months when you are just out of a relationship- it can be a good time to consider what type of partner you match well with - without really searching,

open and honest discussion would probably be a hallmark of a relationship with you- which seems a good starting point 

[Lotsgoingon]

I think if you're asking this question, you're pretty close to being ready.

There is no strict answer here because breakups come under all kinds of different circumstances and varying levels of disappointment and loss. And we for whatever reason might be more resilient after one breakup even though we were crushed and paralyzed after an earlier one. Getting dumped seems to be harder to recover from than being dumper or experiencing a mutual breakup. 

I got dumped a couple of times in a row by women who were emotionally distant. After that occurring TWO times (previously I had always been the emotionally distant one), I took some time to figure out what was going on. I set about rethinking dating and my role in not getting caught up in other people's issues.  

You can go out on some dates and see how you feel. You'll know if you're not ready. As long as you are not sobbing for hours each night, go ahead out there. When my mother died, I was devastated. Full of despair, emptiness, deep sadness. A week after she died, I went out dancing--I was part of a lively dating scene. I wasn't sure I could enjoy myself in this grief state. Gave myself permission to leave early. Well, I had a total blast dancing that night---stayed til the very end. Didn't think about my mom for one moment (which she would have loved!).  After that night, I never saw grief as an impediment to having social fun.

The analogy isn't precise but the larger point can work. You meet someone you genuinely like--can you feel yourself liking the person and being capable of connecting with them? Can you genuinely have a good time (that you fully feel) with someone?  If the answer to these questions is yes, go ahead. You can pause at any time with no harm to anyone.

Test the waters--you’re probably ready or quite close ready.  

 

 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

I met my husband two months after the end of my first marriage.  I certainly wasn't looking for a new partner, but likewise, I'm not one to let a good thing go ❤️ 

My sister left her abusive husband for a lovely man she'd had an exit affair with.  No break at all there, and they still loving life together 20 years later.  

I love those stories.

I think some time off will do me some good. If I come across something that tickles my fancy I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

[ZA Dater]

I think it would depend how over the last relationship you are and mostly I think it would depend on the extent of the options available to you and whether you found any of then interesting and attractive enough to want to have a relationship with.

Perhaps something else, it would also depend on the other person, are they relationship ready, no point you want a relationship and they do not. 

I'd like to think in a perfect world you simply find the person you want to be with and they want to be with you.

[Gaeta]

On 3/4/2024 at 12:37 AM, Weezy1973 said:

The fact your last relationship was “good” to me would indicate you could be ready sooner than later

I have a different take on that. 

If our last relationship was good then it ended while we were still 'connected' and that takes time make peace with something good that ended. When the relationship is dysfunctional, lots of disagreements, lots of being let down, I find it easier to make peace with the breakup as the relationship was so hard, it was not meant to be. 

@Alpacalia: What you are experiencing is normal but I would not qualify that as 'ready to date'. You are not even through the withdrawal phase. Like anything else, when something is taken away from us, we need to go through the withdrawal phase. This need for companionship is not a sign you are ready to date, it's a sign that you are missing your ex-companion. I definitely do not think 2 months is enough time to get back into dating. The apps are full of those people <thinking> they're ready to date after 1-2-3 months, and they end up hurting people.

After my ex I went back to dating after 7-8 months. I knew it would take time to meet someone so it was more about going back out there, dressing up, going out for a coffee with someone. I met my boyfriend 1.5 year after my breakup. 

[Alpacalia]

On 3/5/2024 at 5:55 AM, Gaeta said:

I have a different take on that. 

If our last relationship was good then it ended while we were still 'connected' and that takes time make peace with something good that ended. When the relationship is dysfunctional, lots of disagreements, lots of being let down, I find it easier to make peace with the breakup as the relationship was so hard, it was not meant to be. 

@Alpacalia: What you are experiencing is normal but I would not qualify that as 'ready to date'. You are not even through the withdrawal phase. Like anything else, when something is taken away from us, we need to go through the withdrawal phase. This need for companionship is not a sign you are ready to date, it's a sign that you are missing your ex-companion. I definitely do not think 2 months is enough time to get back into dating. The apps are full of those people <thinking> they're ready to date after 1-2-3 months, and they end up hurting people.

After my ex I went back to dating after 7-8 months. I knew it would take time to meet someone so it was more about going back out there, dressing up, going out for a coffee with someone. I met my boyfriend 1.5 year after my breakup. 

Thanks Gaeta. I was thinking about an incident that happened that I didn't 100% resolve in my head until just a few days ago. So perhaps that was a milestone for me. Slowly but surely I will get through it all! 

The other thing I realized recently is that I had stayed occupied for most of this two months by recalling good memories, some not so good memories, journaling, that these are all ways of finding *closure* to the relationship.

My ex is a good man, he supported me and had my back and I have so much respect for him. I wanted closure for myself knowing that I didn't know that I would be ok alone. That there are some issues that are not specific to any one relationship, or they could be, but that it's becoming stronger and be whole in myself that will ascertain who I choose to bring into my life in the future. Perhaps that helps stay ready to date and not just jumping on to any date opportunity. 

But, I am leaving bits here and there and bits of hope for people who are new to the journey of learning how to find joy again after a break up.

Edited March 12 by Alpacalia

[Gebidozo]

On 3/3/2024 at 5:50 AM, Alpacalia said:

When do you start dating after the end of a long term relationship? When my engagement ended, I didn't seriously date for 4 years. My last long term relationship ended a couple of months ago and I was curious how long others waited. 

Is it a matter of meeting the right person? Circumstances? Or simply when you feel ready?

I generally don’t like to be alone. As a rule, I start communicating with women pretty much right after breakup.

After my last divorce 9 years ago, I sort of went wild, had several liaisons, but none of them was very serious, and the longest of them lasted a month. It took me a year to fall in love and start a long relationship again, which is, for me, a long time.

That long relationship ended less than 2 years ago, and I started my current relationship almost immediately afterwards. But this is a special case, because I’d already known the woman I’m now with for several years, and had feelings for her.