What to do?

[lilmoma1973]

Ok i need some advice about this situation with the inlaws...My inlaws hate me and want to do anything they can to create problems with me and my h.. My mil and fil are the inlaws from hell!! They want to control my h life and make all the rules and tell him who to be with... My fil use to like me till he got with my mil .. His wife died with cancer she was in remission till it went to her brain and hit her quick .. She was a great women and i loved her dearly!! My mil always talked about her because she had my fil and she caused conflict and always cause problems in his marriage.. Well the day my mil wasn't even in the ground 24hrs and she was bashing her .. She set out to conquer my fil and did..His wife died in April and they got together in July ..

 

Just few months after his wife died and she done made the moves on him she had made comments to me that he wouldn't be single long and she was right and she made sure of it... My fil got my h to leave his good paying job w/benefits and come work with him saying that my h would take over the buisness.. Boy was that a lie .. He left his job working with Duke Power to go to roofing what a dumbass was he ..His dad painted him a pretty picture saying he would make alot of money and wouldn't have to worry about nothing!!!! He didn't make but a 100 a wk and had no benefits .. i couldn't even pay for my daughters shots to start kindergarden .. I had to go to social services because we went from insurance to no insurance and without insurance it was going to cost 95 dollars .. Well got her shots she went to school then i had to pick her up constantly cause she was sick come to find out she had severe allergies and had to be put on meds such as Zyrtec and Singular she stayed sick and a total of 45 days was missed from her .. I would send her and the teachers would call me to pick her up she was running a fever and she wouldn't make it to the cutoff is 11:30 and they usually called me by 10:00 that morning .. One time they called i just dropped her off came in the door and had to run back and get her... My fil would make comments about why did i have to take her to the drs so much and then my h would say the same and it was pissing me off severely!!

 

Me and my h grew apart because his jackrabbit of a dad saying crap !! I moved out moved in with my mom and told my h he had to make a choice whether he leave his job with his dad and go back to his good paying job with benefits or it is over!! It took a toll on us financially and even was lacking food my mom helped us his dad acted like it bothered him if we needed money !! I was on the verge of going to work .. We was going to counseling through this whole ordeal and my counselor told my h to leave the job with his dad and go back to the other you got to think what is best for you and your family!!!! So he went back to his job and found out he lost his 3 wk vacation with pay because all this crap.. I didn't think was a good idea from the get go and so now we are a 1yr later and him and his dad hasn't talked and i was glad till he came to ss game and h seen where he was trying and started back talking now me and h are at each other's throat because of it .. I think he owes h and i an apology and think it should take more than him coming to ss game !! Me and h aren't on talking terms as i am typing he is mad because i wouldn't go eat over his dad's house and kiss ass !!!H said i was being childish and that i need to grow up!!! My fil has said ugly things about me called me a bitch,mooch and said all i wanted my h for was money !! WTF not true he don't have a pot to piss in!! lol

 

My fil has made countless promises and never fufilled them ..He promised my daughter a wooden swingset w/sandbox ,playhouse,us two decks ,help us remodel our house,finish the buidling he and my h was building ..His grandchild from his ss he made her a swingsetw/sandbox,built the deck for his other son and is payingall his bills power,phone,cable etc.. My fil and mil treat my our daughter as a outcast and treats h son from previous relationship like he is gold!!

 

My daughter is scared of this man and thinks he is mean and i can't blame her!! He is mean, coldhearted ,greedy and coniving man!!! I don't like to be around him because he makes people around him turn like him mainly my h !!

My h has his bad temper and hate when he acts like him.. He wants everyone to kiss his ass in order to be in his good graces's !! Am i wrong for feeling this way!!! I really don't care to associate with them and it is causing friction in my marriage !! He was never in his life too much so why should it matter now!! Sorry so long needed to vent!!

 

 

lilmoma1973

[JadeStar]

I think it depends on what your husband really wants. Its something he may be struggling with. He may want to be in his dads life, and try to build some form of relationship with him since he really didn't have one with him growing up. Then again maybe he doesn't want to because he holds resentment for his father not being there. Sounds like its both, he does but he doesn't, if that makes sense.

 

I would have to say though that since his father acts the way he does, it really doesn't sound healthy and it seems your husband when he does get close to his dad will bring home to you and your family the anger or resentment he feels towards his dad, which in that case, maybe its best he doesn't try to establish a relationship with him.

 

I do think though, that if you husband does want to get to know his dad better, that doesn't mean you have to be a part of it if you feel his dad doesn't like you. Its really between him and his dad to work out first. Maybe if they do pull together and want to try to have a good realtionship then later on things can be worked out for you and his dad to come together as well. I imagine your husbands fathers life stems from his childhood up bringing as far as what went on in his life and the way he acts, just like your husbands upbringing has to do with how his life may be now and how he acts. However, whatever past we have, be it good or not so good only WE have the power to change who WE are and what WE will become.

 

 

 

Jade

[lilmoma1973]

I think it depends on what your husband really wants. Its something he may be struggling with. He may want to be in his dads life, and try to build some form of relationship with him since he really didn't have one with him growing up. Then again maybe he doesn't want to because he holds resentment for his father not being there. Sounds like its both, he does but he doesn't, if that makes sense.

 

I would have to say though that since his father acts the way he does, it really doesn't sound healthy and it seems your husband when he does get close to his dad will bring home to you and your family the anger or resentment he feels towards his dad, which in that case, maybe its best he doesn't try to establish a relationship with him.

 

I do think though, that if you husband does want to get to know his dad better, that doesn't mean you have to be a part of it if you feel his dad doesn't like you. Its really between him and his dad to work out first. Maybe if they do pull together and want to try to have a good realtionship then later on things can be worked out for you and his dad to come together as well. I imagine your husbands fathers life stems from his childhood up bringing as far as what went on in his life and the way he acts, just like your husbands upbringing has to do with how his life may be now and how he acts. However, whatever past we have, be it good or not so good only WE have the power to change who WE are and what WE will become.

 

 

 

Jade

 

Totally agree with you Jadestar and thanks for the advice and we should break that cycle!! I brought up with loving parents and he wasn't and maybe he harbors some resentment towards me and does want that type of relationship!! My dad died when i was 10 with emphesyma and copd so i didn't get him very long but i know in those 10 yrs i got to know him he was very respectable and good loving man and he loved my mom and us kids unconditionally and that is enough for me!! This man is nothing that i want my child influenced nor my h mom she no better!! H never really had either parents growing up maybe that is why he bacame a dad at 17!! I want better for my kids to know right and wrong and be loved and wanted !! He makes you feel like an obligation and my h makes us feel this way at times too!! I hope my h don't end up like him or i will be gone !!!

[lilmoma1973]

 

Come on guys give me some advice as what to do !!! I guess noone besides Jade knows really what to say about the situation !!

[Judas Christian]

One thing I firmly believe is that marriage is a blanketing choice. You don't just choose to live with that person and love that person so long as it's convenient - you have chosen that person for better or for worse. It's all about mutual respect and, being mutual, it works both ways. What this means in your situation is that each of you have your own responsibilities here. You must strive to be understanding of your husband's need for a relationship with his father (and it sounds like you do). Your husband must put his money where his mouth was, so to speak - he took vows with you and you are supposed to be his life-long companion. Therefor, he cannot sit idly by and let his father put you down. In a sense, he abandons you a little each time he fails to defend you and raise you up. He shouldn't be pursuing a relationship with his father on the grounds that his father can say and do whatever he wishes concerning you. That's no deal at all. The relationship has to be based on the concept of respect - bottom line, even if your FIL doesn't respect you, he should respect your husband's decision to be with you and honor it. It sounds like dear old dad gets his way and your husband bends over backwards (stupidly so, regarding the job) to give it to him. I'm sure your husband is a good man and I don't mean to come across as though I'm putting him down, but he does need to grow a pair and draw a line in the sand here. Coming back to you, tell him how it makes you feel that he doesn't stand up for you. Tell him how you'd stand up for him if it were the other way around. Ask him if he truly loves and respects you, and if he says yes, ask him to act like it. Councelling sounds necessary here, but these things can be dealt with in small portions even now. My two cents.

[Hot Coco]

I completely agree with the advice given already but also have you tried to talk to your FIL yourself? If you can sit him down alone maybe that would help. Just calmly tell him how you feel. Can you do that? Tell him you really want to have a peaceful family and you'll do your part to accomplish that.

[lilmoma1973]

I completely agree with the advice given already but also have you tried to talk to your FIL yourself? If you can sit him down alone maybe that would help. Just calmly tell him how you feel. Can you do that? Tell him you really want to have a peaceful family and you'll do your part to accomplish that.

 

Thanks Hot coco for your advice but this man isn't the easiest man to talk to.. He is right in anything and everyone else is wrong!! I except the fact he wants to have a relationship with him but that doesn't mean i have to have one !!

[lilmoma1973]

One thing I firmly believe is that marriage is a blanketing choice. You don't just choose to live with that person and love that person so long as it's convenient - you have chosen that person for better or for worse. It's all about mutual respect and, being mutual, it works both ways. What this means in your situation is that each of you have your own responsibilities here. You must strive to be understanding of your husband's need for a relationship with his father (and it sounds like you do). Your husband must put his money where his mouth was, so to speak - he took vows with you and you are supposed to be his life-long companion. Therefor, he cannot sit idly by and let his father put you down. In a sense, he abandons you a little each time he fails to defend you and raise you up. He shouldn't be pursuing a relationship with his father on the grounds that his father can say and do whatever he wishes concerning you. That's no deal at all. The relationship has to be based on the concept of respect - bottom line, even if your FIL doesn't respect you, he should respect your husband's decision to be with you and honor it. It sounds like dear old dad gets his way and your husband bends over backwards (stupidly so, regarding the job) to give it to him. I'm sure your husband is a good man and I don't mean to come across as though I'm putting him down, but he does need to grow a pair and draw a line in the sand here. Coming back to you, tell him how it makes you feel that he doesn't stand up for you. Tell him how you'd stand up for him if it were the other way around. Ask him if he truly loves and respects you, and if he says yes, ask him to act like it. Councelling sounds necessary here, but these things can be dealt with in small portions even now. My two cents.

 

Thank you for your advice and know what you are saying and we are back together just not on talking terms say very fewwords!! I just wish he would make the effort in our marriage that he is making with everything else !! Maybe the fact is he doesn't want to work on the marriage and thats why he don't give it the effort!!

[Hot Coco]

No, but for the sake of peace in your family you might just want to talk to him. Or write him a letter. Don't be afraid. He might respect you more and not be such a bully anymore. You've got nothing to lose since he's already treating you badly. I doubt you'll make it worse. Try it.

[lilmoma1973]

No, but for the sake of peace in your family you might just want to talk to him. Or write him a letter. Don't be afraid. He might respect you more and not be such a bully anymore. You've got nothing to lose since he's already treating you badly. I doubt you'll make it worse. Try it.

 

Thanks for your reply are u saying to write a letter to my h's dad or my h !!! im confused !! are you talking me not talking to my h and not being on talking terms im confused because they are both bullies guess it runs in the family!!

[Hot Coco]

Well, I was talking about your FIL but you could write your H a letter too. But don't make it like it's all their fault. Just say you really want to form a good family and the way it is now it isn't the way it should be. But don't place blame or they'll get defensive. If you decide to do letters and need help/advice we'll help before you send it.

[lilmoma1973]

Well, I was talking about your FIL but you could write your H a letter too. But don't make it like it's all their fault. Just say you really want to form a good family and the way it is now it isn't the way it should be. But don't place blame or they'll get defensive. If you decide to do letters and need help/advice we'll help before you send it.

 

That will be a waste of paper and pen and my time it will be tossed to the side like our relationship unless it doesn't fall under bands,gigs,cars,skateboards it will not be brought to his attention ! I am always sending him things about marriage from marriage bulders, focus on the family, and anger and it is never mentioned if anything it is like i never even sending it!!

[Chuckles50]

If he is casting those things aside that you send him that may be helpful to improving the marraige, and he is taking presdence over these other things you mentioned, then you might have your answer. Sounds like he doesn't want to really work on the marraige. So you might want to ask yourself if you feel you have tried most everything, then you need to ask yourself why you still feel the need to stay.

 

Alot of people stay for different reasons but do you feel these are any of them?

 

Staying for the kids sake? You're co-dependant, you depend on him for most things? You have a fear of no place to go? Maybe you could stay at a friends or family members temporaily, but maybe you feel that that wouldn't work because its not permanent? Does his good quailties out weigh the not so good? Which still doesn't make up for the lack of the issues hes not putting effort in. Do you keep holding out for hope, hoping things will change? I'm not saying its not possible for things to change, but guess it depends on how long someone has been struggling with a certain situation.

 

Maybe just really ask yourself why you feel you are staying, cuz sounds like you have done many things and hes not. That would be one sided, it wont work like that.

[Judas Christian]

Your issue is not with your father in law anyway. It may appear to be, however, since he seems to be the source of all the chaos. However, the real issue is your husband. HE will set the precedent for how these things take shape. In other words, if your FIL is going to alter his behavior toward you, it will not be because you stood up to him - it will be because your husband stood up to him. The common denominator here is your husband. Your FIL is his father. You are his wife. Each of you love him, need to be loved by him, and, in a sense, are struggling for his attention. The problem is, your husband makes all the effort for your FIL. He should be making the effort for you. Your relationship, your marriage, has to be first and foremost in everything either of you do, or you're spinning your wheels. It certainly sounds like he's spinning his, and the hole is getting pretty deep.

[lilmoma1973]

Your issue is not with your father in law anyway. It may appear to be, however, since he seems to be the source of all the chaos. However, the real issue is your husband. HE will set the precedent for how these things take shape. In other words, if your FIL is going to alter his behavior toward you, it will not be because you stood up to him - it will be because your husband stood up to him. The common denominator here is your husband. Your FIL is his father. You are his wife. Each of you love him, need to be loved by him, and, in a sense, are struggling for his attention. The problem is, your husband makes all the effort for your FIL. He should be making the effort for you. Your relationship, your marriage, has to be first and foremost in everything either of you do, or you're spinning your wheels. It certainly sounds like he's spinning his, and the hole is getting pretty deep.

 

Thanks and you are so right how do i go about this from a man's point of view!! You and Hot coco are right but where do i begin to do this .. I have tried so many tactics that i am hitting a wall!! H isn't the easiest person to communicate with and would like some advice how i should ..Because you are right it is my h that should be making the effort to our marriage as well as his dad's relationship .. I think h has an agenda and its his chevelle that dad bought him and he wants it fixed !!

[whichwayisup]

Ask him how he would feel if the situation was reversed. Let him think about it and come up with a solution to fix it...What would he do. Maybe by doing that he'll see things more from your angle and get inside your head.

 

He is married to you, you are his life. His father is his father and always will be there - But he doesn't answer to his father, he doesn't sleep with him either...He does with you - And he needs to be reminded of that.

 

Seems the issue has to be worked out between those two and his father has to make an effort too, to understand his son. Is that possible?

[Judas Christian]

Some call it a backbone. Whatever you want to call it, he's gotta get one when dealing with his dad. It can be a difficult thing - my father is a very strong, often overbearing personality too. There have been many times when I should have done this or should have said that to him and didn't. So, I do understand where your hubby is coming from. That said, the person posting this thread is you, and so my argument is about you. What I hear you asking is how to persuade him to stand up for you. I also hear you saying that your hubby is difficult to talk to. There's a problem in itself, right? Open communication is of the utmost importance, but that's for another thread. As far as how to persuade him, just tell him in a no-nonsense manner. Don't be meek about it, don't give any ground. I'm willing to bet your husband has traits similar to his dad. He's probably difficult to talk to because he learned that from his old man. Sorta the old "wearing the pants in the family" attitude. Screw that, get in his face and refuse to back down. Keep the pressure on him and don't make it about requests, make it an expectation, such as, "You're my husband, and I love you. If anyone has a bad word to say about you, they'd better not say it to me, because I think the world of you and won't stand for it. Yet when your father has a bad word to say about me, you shrug it off. Not joining in is not the same thing as standing up for me! If you love me and respect me, it should be second nature for you to defend me. If what your father says about me is true, then by all means let's talk about that. But if it isn't, why would you let it go on?" You get the picture. The main thing is not to let him shut you down with a raised voice or annoyed behavior. Those are just defense mechanisms to keep from having to actually deal with the issue at hand. Push the buttons, stay firm but loving, and don't surrender this battle to his father - it determines the future of your relationship. Change starts now.

[lilmoma1973]

Ask him how he would feel if the situation was reversed. Let him think about it and come up with a solution to fix it...What would he do. Maybe by doing that he'll see things more from your angle and get inside your head.

 

He is married to you, you are his life. His father is his father and always will be there - But he doesn't answer to his father, he doesn't sleep with him either...He does with you - And he needs to be reminded of that.

 

Seems the issue has to be worked out between those two and his father has to make an effort too, to understand his son. Is that possible?

 

Thanks WWIU interesting nevr really thought of it like that ..To turn the tables so to speak u always give some interestng advice !!

[lilmoma1973]

Some call it a backbone. Whatever you want to call it, he's gotta get one when dealing with his dad. It can be a difficult thing - my father is a very strong, often overbearing personality too. There have been many times when I should have done this or should have said that to him and didn't. So, I do understand where your hubby is coming from. That said, the person posting this thread is you, and so my argument is about you. What I hear you asking is how to persuade him to stand up for you. I also hear you saying that your hubby is difficult to talk to. There's a problem in itself, right? Open communication is of the utmost importance, but that's for another thread. As far as how to persuade him, just tell him in a no-nonsense manner. Don't be meek about it, don't give any ground. I'm willing to bet your husband has traits similar to his dad. He's probably difficult to talk to because he learned that from his old man. Sorta the old "wearing the pants in the family" attitude. Screw that, get in his face and refuse to back down. Keep the pressure on him and don't make it about requests, make it an expectation, such as, "You're my husband, and I love you. If anyone has a bad word to say about you, they'd better not say it to me, because I think the world of you and won't stand for it. Yet when your father has a bad word to say about me, you shrug it off. Not joining in is not the same thing as standing up for me! If you love me and respect me, it should be second nature for you to defend me. If what your father says about me is true, then by all means let's talk about that. But if it isn't, why would you let it go on?" You get the picture. The main thing is not to let him shut you down with a raised voice or annoyed behavior. Those are just defense mechanisms to keep from having to actually deal with the issue at hand. Push the buttons, stay firm but loving, and don't surrender this battle to his father - it determines the future of your relationship. Change starts now.

 

Your so right he is alot like his dad and i can't stand that!! He is as stubborn and as hardheaded as his dad and drives me crazy !! I will stay firm with his father thing and not surrending i'm tired of surrending time someone surrender to me !! I'm being the hard one now and h don't like it !! h is going to have to do what is best for his marriage !! He told me a couple of weeks ago before they was talking how do miss something you don't have ... i would ask him did he resent me because he was talking with dad because dad won't except me and thats what he said!! Now he is working on their relationship and thinks ours is fine where it is !! Makes no sense his dad has money and can buy and do for him so maybe thats what matters i don't know

[lilmoma1973]

 

Thanks for your advice but i would never get in my h face and push his buttons!! He has a very bad temper and he would probably not me out because im in his face he hates that !! Doesn't like noone having the upperhand besides him !! PISSES HIM OFF AND MAKES HIM ANGRY!!

[Hot Coco]

So basically are you saying you're afraid to stand up to him? That's not good Moma. Have you ever REALLY stood up to him though and insisted on some changes?

[Judas Christian]

It sounds like your marriage has alot more problems than just this one then. Communication seems to be a one-way street only opened to a two-way street if he feels like talking about it. You fear him, and that should never be the case. Let me put it to you this way - love does not instill fear. I'm not saying that people who love us can't scare us sometimes, but if their behavior causes us to walk on eggshells and turn meek, then it's not loving behavior and needs to be reconsidered. I'm a strong personality myself, and I have certainly instilled fear in people. My wife has tended to be afraid of me (we haven't been married long) and I never meant for that to happen. Of late, she's really stood up and voiced herself and I completely respect that. We talked about how she fears me and I'm taking steps to change MY behavior so that she's not afraid of me. I love her, I would never hurt her, I don't want her to fear me. We have to be equals, she and I, or it just won't work to both our satisfactions. Hopefully you and your husband can make some headway toward a mutually loving relationship - it's not impossible, however long this has been going on. More importantly, I hope you can recognize the problem with fearing him in the first place.

[lilmoma1973]

It sounds like your marriage has alot more problems than just this one then. Communication seems to be a one-way street only opened to a two-way street if he feels like talking about it. You fear him, and that should never be the case. Let me put it to you this way - love does not instill fear. I'm not saying that people who love us can't scare us sometimes, but if their behavior causes us to walk on eggshells and turn meek, then it's not loving behavior and needs to be reconsidered. I'm a strong personality myself, and I have certainly instilled fear in people. My wife has tended to be afraid of me (we haven't been married long) and I never meant for that to happen. Of late, she's really stood up and voiced herself and I completely respect that. We talked about how she fears me and I'm taking steps to change MY behavior so that she's not afraid of me. I love her, I would never hurt her, I don't want her to fear me. We have to be equals, she and I, or it just won't work to both our satisfactions. Hopefully you and your husband can make some headway toward a mutually loving relationship - it's not impossible, however long this has been going on. More importantly, I hope you can recognize the problem with fearing him in the first place.

 

Glad that worked when she stood up to you but i would never do that !! He gets to angry with trying to talk about problems in our marriage .. He is a very hard to get along person and will be nice if it benefits him only !! Most of the time he is on the computer promoting his band and ignoring my needs as well as my daughter's !!There is no respect towards me and treats me as if i suppose to do this and that !! HE IS A BIG CONTROL FREAK!! He likes all the control !!

[Judas Christian]

You have to decide if you really want that life or not. Are you happy? Is your daughter happy? I'm betting not, on both counts. So what are you doing with him? I don't understand what you're getting out of this. With marriage, it's a 50/50 thing. It sounds like what you've got is a 90/10 thing and the 10 is when it benefits him to actually do something. It sounds to me like you need to take a step back and really assess your situation with an open mind. Don't let the words "but I love him..." influence your point of view. Just see it as it is, and ask yourself if it's in your (and your daughter's) best interest to even be in this relationship. If he saw the problem and was genuinely willing to do what it takes to work it all out and make sure all of you are happy, then I'd say stick it out. But if things are the way you descibe them, you're wasting time you'll never get back and love that would be appreciated elsewhere. I ain't saying cheat on him, by the way, just that you might need to get out of that marriage you're in and find someone better suited. I don't mean to sound harsh with all this, it's just that I really can't see the good points of your marriage so far.

[lilmoma1973]

So basically are you saying you're afraid to stand up to him? That's not good Moma. Have you ever REALLY stood up to him though and insisted on some changes?

 

Yes and i would never do it again!!