how does one change to not being selfish?

[bh]

i know this sounds crazy and one would think that it would be easy to just quit being selfish by giving more to others, wheather material, time, attention, love, etc. but it is not that easy. i have been noticing how selfish i am with money, my time, my b'f's time, etc. i am trying to lose my attitude about it but it is hard. i thought that i could just stop doing it but i can't, it just don't work that way. most people have trouble saying "no" to people but i have a hard time saying "yes" to people, but then i go and feel guilty that i end up saying "okay" anyway, but it seems i have to be the one to want to do it not when others want to do something.

 

what can a person do? is there a book i can read? a magic pill i can take? can someone just wave a magic wand and make me more generous, understanding, sympathetic, caring, loving, sweet, make me a yes person? i feel really bad about feeling this way. i could give a million examples but it would not be worth is because they are only examples and any opinions would be based on the examples alone.

 

so any ideas on how to change into some loving and giving would be appreciated more then others that know me could say. thanks for any and all help in advance

[Tony T]

First, I don't think you can change entirely. Having been the victim of many takers, I have done extensive research on this subject over the years.

 

There are givers and there are takers. Simple as that. It's something embedded in the personality. It happens for many reasons but most people get it from one or more of their parents...usually the mother.

 

If the mother is generous with her time, money, giving, etc., the child is likely to be the same way if it had a good relationship with mom. Normally, that type of mother would have a good relationship with the kids. If the mother was otherwise, then the children are likely to follow in her selfish manner.

 

I think it is unhealty for someone to be a complete giver or a complete taker. There is a middle ground that we can achieve as healthy human beings. I think it is proper, for instance, to be financially generous with others if: a)we can afford to be; b)we are not robbing the recipient of their pride; c)we are not overdoing it with one person; d) we have no other motive except to be of help (many people give to boost their own ego); e)our generosity does not have the effect of creating a cripple who grows to depend on others; and f)we don't expect appreciation in return.

 

As in all things, giving and taking requires balance in our lifes. Givers can be extremely selfish if all they wish to do is give and would rob others of the ability to pay them back in some way at some point. Givers can be nasty if they remind others of their generosity. Takers can be cruel by departing once they have gotten everything the want or need from another or by not expressing appreciation.

 

If you strive to be the best person you can be, you can strike an exceptional balance in this department. If you feel how you behave is totally out of your control, then you have psychological issues that require emergency attention, dial 911.

 

As with any behavior, we need to explore whey we are the way we are. If we are takers out of laziness, selfishness, greed, etc., this is pathological. However, as long as there are givers, this sickness is reinforced in the taker.

 

True givers find it very difficult to take. Many would rather starve than ask someone to pay for their lunch. On the other hand, takers would have others pay even when their wallet is flush with cash...and it often is.

 

If we are givers, we need to explore our motives. True altruism is rare...so are we giving in order to get love; to feel better about ourselves; to be popular; be feel like we are better than others; to make up for sins of the past; because we feel sorry for others; to get a better place in heaven; to get something in return, etc.?

 

I like people who give and say no more about it. And in those same people, I look for them to take when they feel it's appropriate.

 

If you're looking for the very best friendship you could possibly ever have, it's a value for value friendship where no score is kept but where each person gives and takes in moderation and as needed and/or appropriate. There are no excesses one way or the other. Find one of those and you've got gold.

 

When I die, I hope to die with a zero bank balance, not owing anyone a dime and not for want of anything either.

[bh]

okay, then i guess i'm considered a taker but thinking back to my childhood it seems that my mother was a very generous woman. i don't remember going without anything, but i do remember throwing temper tantrums until i got what i wanted and of course i don't do that now, well maybe by passive guilt, sulking, passive manipulation, etc., but not on purpose. i never really thought of these things before until recently. my b'f's grandmother is old and we take her to dinner sometimes and other times i don't mind but at times i just don't want to do it. how can i live with myself, denying an old lady a dinner and time out of her apt? that is pathetic, and that is what prompted this post mainly. i've been seeing a side of me i don't like but i have had it forever i think it someway or another, but lately it has really been wearing on me.

 

i need to do something about it, like you said "call 911" i may have to actually do that, but of course they would probably lock me up then, so i guess i better call on my own 911 in my head and or heart. i just wish i could give to others what i see them giving so freely and wantingly. my b'f is a giver and he takes care of me very well, and i always say "thank you" for every little thing he does for me and our family, but then when he wants something simple in return it seems a big deal to me, and i just can't bring myself to say "okay" honey what ever you want" i say "no" i don't want to do that, but then i am so consumed with guilt that i either say "okay" or try to make up for it by doing something else.

 

i don't know im just confused, i don't want to be this way, but it seems that it has a very VERY strong hold on me and at times maybe my giving, generous b'f would be better off finding someone more like him. i hate being and feeling like a take, but it does seem out of my control. i'm going to re-read you're post and maybe i missed something. thanks so much for responding.

First, I don't think you can change entirely. Having been the victim of many takers, I have done extensive research on this subject over the years. There are givers and there are takers. Simple as that. It's something embedded in the personality. It happens for many reasons but most people get it from one or more of their parents...usually the mother. If the mother is generous with her time, money, giving, etc., the child is likely to be the same way if it had a good relationship with mom. Normally, that type of mother would have a good relationship with the kids. If the mother was otherwise, then the children are likely to follow in her selfish manner. I think it is unhealty for someone to be a complete giver or a complete taker. There is a middle ground that we can achieve as healthy human beings. I think it is proper, for instance, to be financially generous with others if: a)we can afford to be; b)we are not robbing the recipient of their pride; c)we are not overdoing it with one person; d) we have no other motive except to be of help (many people give to boost their own ego); e)our generosity does not have the effect of creating a cripple who grows to depend on others; and f)we don't expect appreciation in return.

 

As in all things, giving and taking requires balance in our lifes. Givers can be extremely selfish if all they wish to do is give and would rob others of the ability to pay them back in some way at some point. Givers can be nasty if they remind others of their generosity. Takers can be cruel by departing once they have gotten everything the want or need from another or by not expressing appreciation. If you strive to be the best person you can be, you can strike an exceptional balance in this department. If you feel how you behave is totally out of your control, then you have psychological issues that require emergency attention, dial 911. As with any behavior, we need to explore whey we are the way we are. If we are takers out of laziness, selfishness, greed, etc., this is pathological. However, as long as there are givers, this sickness is reinforced in the taker. True givers find it very difficult to take. Many would rather starve than ask someone to pay for their lunch. On the other hand, takers would have others pay even when their wallet is flush with cash...and it often is. If we are givers, we need to explore our motives. True altruism is rare...so are we giving in order to get love; to feel better about ourselves; to be popular; be feel like we are better than others; to make up for sins of the past; because we feel sorry for others; to get a better place in heaven; to get something in return, etc.? I like people who give and say no more about it. And in those same people, I look for them to take when they feel it's appropriate. If you're looking for the very best friendship you could possibly ever have, it's a value for value friendship where no score is kept but where each person gives and takes in moderation and as needed and/or appropriate. There are no excesses one way or the other. Find one of those and you've got gold. When I die, I hope to die with a zero bank balance, not owing anyone a dime and not for want of anything either.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "maybe my giving, generous b'f would be better off finding someone more like him."

 

No, actually, two givers seldom work out. Two takers can have a successful relationship, and a giver and a taker can do fine, but, according to research, two givers usually can't remain together. So you're OK that way.

 

Those findings are from a book entitled: "Giver and Takers", by Jane Mayhall. There are many other thoughts on this. For other views, go to:

 

http://www.askheartbeat.com/html/body_essay39.html

 

http://www.servicesrms.com/bobsbook.html

 

http://www.singlefileonline.com/craig/craigsept.html

 

Do what you can to change as much as you can and then just accept yourself as you are. I am always dumbfounded that people often feel they are helpless in changing things about themselves that they don't like...but that's my problem.

[bh]

thank you again, tony, but i don't feel helpless, just at a loss, i know somewhere in there there is a difference. it's like wanting to change but just not sure how to go about doing it, or having all the info you need to change yet being unable of how to use all the information you've accumulated to change, like how to put it to use. i'll check out these other sites too, thank you very much.

YOU WRITE: "maybe my giving, generous b'f would be better off finding someone more like him." No, actually, two givers seldom work out. Two takers can have a successful relationship, and a giver and a taker can do fine, but, according to research, two givers usually can't remain together. So you're OK that way. Those findings are from a book entitled: "Giver and Takers", by Jane Mayhall. There are many other thoughts on this. For other views, go to: http://www.askheartbeat.com/html/body_essay39.html

 

http://www.servicesrms.com/bobsbook.html

 

http://www.singlefileonline.com/craig/craigsept.html

 

Do what you can to change as much as you can and then just accept yourself as you are. I am always dumbfounded that people often feel they are helpless in changing things about themselves that they don't like...but that's my problem.