NC hurts

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It's been 2 weeks since my boyfriend broke up with me and 1 week since we started NC. It was not intentional, even before he was not calling but I was. Also sending emails trying to convince him that we could work on our relationsip or lyrics of "our songs". So, last time on the phone when he said that he has made up his mind and will not change his decision, I started NC. I thought it would be better for both of us. And then I discovered through break-up websites and LS that NC was the "norm"

 

But now, it has been exactly 8 days, and it hurts so much to know that he hasn't called me at all. Ours was a long-distance relationship and we don't have any common friends where I live from whom he can get news about me. We spent almost 8 years together (last 2 1/2 in different cities)!!!

 

I don't know if it is because he doesn't care about me at all or because he wants to give us some time just like I do... I have never felt this bad before in my whole life...

 

Do you think I should give up all my hopes? Thanks in advance for any replies.

 

To remind you of my story from a previous post:

 

A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend of 7 1/2 years broke up with me. We've been living in two different cities for the pat 2 1/2 years and we are both working really hard to get phds. It has been really a rough time, especially for me, because I had problems with my exams and I wasn't even sure if I wanted to get a phd or not. He was always very encouraging and helpful and was always there for me when I needed him. But my pathetic mood went on for about 2 years, so I guess he was just too exhausted after a while. Recently I passed my exams and he brought up this breaking up issue. He says that I am no longer the happy, cheerful woman I used to be and that I happen to take everything on the negative side and he just doesn't know if he wants to live a life like that.

 

I told him that I also don't want to live like this and that I sincerely want to change (and this is true - I even got some self-help books on to take stuff on the lighter side and maintain a happier life) but it seems that he doesn't believe me.

 

I tried to talk with him several times on the phone, he just says that he has made up his mind, he is much happier this way and if there is any way we can be together again, it would only be when he misses me. He says that he doesn't long to be with me as he used to and that he can't make neither me nor himself happy this way.

 

I also told him that I wanted to see him in person, but he says that he is too busy to do that, and even if I go to where he lives, he would not be able to spend all his time with me, and that would actually make things worse.

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I would really appeciate it if someone replied to my thread. I feel really awful and don't know what to do or what to think.

 

Thanks in advance.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

Dear god i feel for you girl, i am in a somewhat similiar boat, i think you've got no choice here except no contact, there doesn't seem to be much more you can do

 

sorry you feel bad, really sorry for it is a rotten feeling!

 

well done getting a phD! what was it in?

[gordon_gc]

Hi Symbol,

I'll try to help even though I am probably not the right person as I am myself involved in a break up (I am the one who got dumped).

 

From my guy point of view, I have several things going through my mind.

 

First, I am actually surprise of the reasons why you guys broke up. It seems really selfish from him. He could see you had things happening in your life and instead of suporting you the way a couple should support eachother, he just gave up to seek his own happiness. Anyway...

 

One reason, and not the pleasant one to hear but, he could have met someone else. From what you said, you guys live in different cities and had a few problems regarding happiness at some point in your couple. He could have transfer his love and happiness onto someone else. In this case, there is nothing you can do but strict NC because anyway, you contacting him will annoy him. Also, at some point, he might realise the potential girl he might be seeing is not the right one. That is when he will certainly initiate a contact with you and if this happen, be careful not to jump on the thing even though you want to.

 

Second, there is no one else in his life and he simply needs time to realise you are important in his life. Then again, you should apply strict NC even though it is really hard. Calling him wont help a thing. Why? Because he'll know he has you on demand and I believe guys are all about "I want what I cannot have".

 

I think that right now, you should focus on yourself and really try to make yourself a happy person again. I know it is sort of impossible with all the relationship going through your head all day long but you have to try. He wants someone happy, make it happen. And if he dares to come back, he'll have the best surprise of his life and certainly regrets about leaving. If he doesn't come back, it will be positive for you as you will certainly find someone else.

 

Stay positive about the whole thing, stay happy. Stick to NC ! Hope I helped you seeing things from a different angle.

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Thank you Brainright for your reply.

 

I just want someone to understand the pain I am in. I think it is because I cannot tell my ex how much pain I am in... Oh, the first few days were even worse, I thought I would die of pain. Now, it is just a little bit better and I even started thinking that I was recovering but after 9 days, I didn't hear from him and here I am back where I have started: in unbearable pain. Why doesn't he call me? Sometimes I think that it might be because of somebody else he left me. How would I know if he is interested in anyone else? I asked three times, he said no each time...

 

And, as for my phd, it is in economics, still working on it...

[billskrill]

I'm going through a tough breakup with my gf (her decision) and was given the reason for the breakup was that she wasn't ready for a relationship in her life right now but wanted me as a friend. I was very hurt and have started the NC thing now and am on day 9. Now it's been 2 months since our breakup and I have seriously accepted it now and once I did that things have gotten much better. I still miss her, cry sometimes, think about her...etc..., but for the most part things are MUCH better in my life now. I know things are hell right now for you and I know everyone tells you things will get better and you probably don't believe them right now because your situation is "different" but let me tell you....I thought the same things and things WILL and DO get better. Keep up the good work on NC and if you feel like contacting him then get on here and talk about it.

 

P.S. I graduate next month with a B.S. in economics, congrats on your progress on your PHD

[Kengne]

Thank you Brainright for your reply.

 

I just want someone to understand the pain I am in. I think it is because I cannot tell my ex how much pain I am in... Oh, the first few days were even worse, I thought I would die of pain. Now, it is just a little bit better and I even started thinking that I was recovering but after 9 days, I didn't hear from him and here I am back where I have started: in unbearable pain. Why doesn't he call me? Sometimes I think that it might be because of somebody else he left me. How would I know if he is interested in anyone else? I asked three times, he said no each time...

 

And, as for my phd, it is in economics, still working on it...

 

I completely understand the pain you are in.

 

And my ONLY advice to you is to LET GO. And by let go I mean stop worrying or wondering about the things YOU CANNOT CONTROL!

 

i.e. why doesnt he call? what is he doing? does he miss me? are we gonna get back together?

 

These type of thts are are a vicious & destructive cycle and ABSOLUTELY USELESS bcuz at the end of the thinking - you are left with NO answers, but even more frustrated than before!

 

As people - we really need to learn to control/reign our emotions & thts. Too often we let our emotions/thts control us - and that is NOT GOOD!

 

Own your emotions/thts. STOP wondering abt what he isn't doing - bcuz you CANNOT CONTROL NOR CHANGE IT.

 

What you CAN do is focus on the HERE and NOW - and the things you CAN control i.e. YOU.

 

Get busy with your life! I hate to say it - but thats exactly what you have to do.

 

K.

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gordon, billskrill and kengne...

 

Thank you so much for your replies. It feels so much better that someone has "heard" me. I had hard time trying to make him hear me, it was as if he wasn't really getting what I was trying to tell. I was never successful though. Now, I see that other people do understand, and it feels so good.

 

I know I have to stick to NC no matter what. I am still undecided if I want to try to get him back. It's not that I would do something (take some action) to get him back but it feels that if I let him go in my mind, then I lose all the hope of us getting together again some day...

 

I am all confused... Again, thanks a lot for the replies, I feel much better compared to 5 hours ago.

 

And billskrill, congratulations on your degree...

[happyending]

I know I am late to this forum, but I just got dumped too- it has been 6 weeks. I want to address the reasons for NC from my perspective, and I chose this policy towards her within the first few days of the breakup. The benefits of it are numerous and important to note.

 

My ex is a PhD at a large midwestern university, teaching literature and the move there has turned her sour as she does not like the school, people or town. We have been together for 3 years, 2 of which have been long distance and it all fell apart late this summer into the fall.

 

I choose NC for many reasons, the two biggest being preservation of my feelings, and preservation of what might be left of our acquaintance. The two are mutually exclusive and I will explain why NC here is the only way.

 

In the post-apocalyptic realm of the dumped, we tend to be tugged between two extreme poles of emotional turbulence- SAD and on the other side MAD. These are unhealthy places to dwell because if you really love someone, you need to be strong to them, and you need to respect them. You cannot do this when Sad or Mad is steering your communications.

 

SAD- you are the sap, you lose control on the phone and destroy your dignity while losing their respect. Nothing good comes of the pleading desperation evokes. So there is one aspect of NC- if you are stuck here, you are going to sabotage it. Don;t leave it to chance-NC!!!

 

MAD- you are pissed. The person of your future has just said 'no thanks'. From this pole, you are ready to drop bombs of insults and bad wishes upon them via email and phone. The only result is scorched earth and harm, to both of you. This other reason for NC is also rooted in sabotage. NCNCNCNC!!

 

It is very much like the Orpheus/Eurydice myth. You can't look back. We are both on the river Styx, we both want to believe she/he is figuratively there a a possibility- maybe they are, maybe they are not, BUT YOU CAN'T LOOK BACK. Meaning, no calls, no emails, no replies. Keep them guessing.

 

Time and distance work wonders, the good will come out. You have the distance, trust the time. Work on yourself and don't beat on yourself for having hope. My biggest loss is that our chemistry was so strong and she felt so right. We met as friends, never assuming a romanceat all. It evolved over time and there was magic.

 

I am not a jerk for wanting to keep a small hope for that alive. I do not want to be alone, but I do not want a marriage to be of convenience or necessity. I want it because the fire is strong and not being together is unthinkable.

 

That is not the case for me now, it hurts so much, I would trade a compound fracture of my femur- it would feel better, BUT

 

I move on. I have NC. I get my confidence and life together, and when that contact comes way down the road, maybe I answer, maybe I don't. But I will not grovel, I will not curse, and I will make her think twice about all of it. I really do love her and nothing has been so bad that it cannot be again.

 

The biggest argument for NC- trust fate. Let your respect for the relationship drive your NC determination. We get a handful, a few, happy endings perhaps in our lives. Maybe there is one for this circumstance- for both of us.

 

FOR THE SAKE OF THAT POSSIBILITY, stay true to NC and know that great relationships must often endure long spells of distance and time, and then they grow stronger.

 

The last time we spoke, she froze up like an ice berg. When I tried to remind her of the finality of what was going down, she was stoic. I had only asked for future consideration but that was still too much.

 

At the end she finally threw me a bone when she reminded me to read the marriage announcements in the Sunday NY Times- reminding me of the incredible stories of the couples there and how some of them finally got together. I almost get sick when I think that is all I have to hold onto. But it is.

 

Jason

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Jason,

 

I cannot believe how similar our stories are!

 

Thank you so much for sharing your story and for for your encouraging words... They do mean a lot to me.

 

Well, let me give you an update of my situation: nothing has changed! It has been 5 weeks since we broke up and almost 4 weeks since I last talked to him. It's not that he is calling or trying to contact in some way and I am ignoring, he is just silent.... I know that I will not get into contact with him in any way unless he calls me. And now, it's been so long, I really don't know if I would answer the phone even if he calls...

 

I am not mad at him for ignoring me. I just feel heart-broken. There is no way for him to know how I am doing and it could have been the case that I was devastated, couldn't go on with my life and so on. But apparently he doesn't care at all. I don't expect him to show me love or affection or anything but, see, we'd been together for 7.5 years! He was my best friend. This hurts the most. How can he just ignore me and go on with his life without knowing how I am doing?

 

For the past couple of days, I think I am doing much better. But still, I am not sure if I got over him. I feel that I will ever know whether I am over him or not unless he calls, and then seeing how I react, I will know...

 

I very much hope that things turn out to be the best for both you and me. I wish you the best of luck.

 

Oh, please let me know, if you feel the same as I do...

 

Cheers,

 

S.

[happyending]

Symbol,

 

I wish I could prescribe the perfect solution, but I keep searching for it myself. If you want some calloused male insight to ponder, let me recommend you not worry about what he thinks.

 

Even if he calls you, don't answer. That is what I am doing. Look, they are trying to be tough by being stoic and shutting us out. Let them. They are human too you know.

 

Do you think they forget the sweet times? I did not have the time you had with your ex, but I know that there were many evenings of dining, delight, romance, we lived in NYC together, that is why it is so hard. Remember Carrie from S&the city- "I realized that Manhattan was just a grave yard of my past relationships." I love this town, I loathe this town.

 

You have to stay with this. Even if he calls. It is the holidays, I think she might call, maybe he will call, but you know what- they probably won't and so we both decide now that if they did call, we won't answer anyway. What are we going to say at the big moment of contact? I can't trust myself to be non-chalant and indifferent. I will lose my emotions and make things worse.

 

If it makes you feel better, it did me, I was in contact with my ex-ex today- that'd be miss 2x ago! She just got married- and I am happy for her, but the guy she married dumped her cold turkey 6 years back. She made all the mistakes, did not make a clean break, obsessed with phone calls and email etc. Guess what? They came back together.

 

There is hope. Do you really think you did anything wrong that would warrant a "FOREVER" abandonment of the idea of you??? I know I did not and I am sure you did not either. Look, they are trying to be tough and resolved etc. Why? Because they cannot deal with this side at all- we are actually stronger. If I could look you in the eye, give you a hug and tell you that it will be ok, I would. And it will be.

 

He does care, he knows how you are doing- he just stepped on you. Why would he want to be reminded of the pain he inflicted? That is a human reaction. FORGIVE. If you really love him and think there is something to save, you will forgive and be kind and strong so that no underbelly is ever shown when you finally pick up that phone.

 

It is bloody Friday night. I want to go out and I will, but it is more important that I bring you along for some realizations.

 

-Sad that time moves so fast when we don't want it to, but drags it's ass in times like this.

 

-You don't worry about what seems to be him ignoring you. I feel the same way. She knows I feel lousy. I just went through 2 years of grad school in Europe with her in my sights as a future after graduation and 6 months out, I am here. THEY KNOW HOW WE FEEL, THEY JUST DROP-KICKED SOME GUTS.

They cry too, maybe not outright, but the tough BS is a front.

 

- If you really believe there is something to save (I DO TOO), then you have to stay inaccessible. Get on with yourself, and grow. Maybe it never matters, but if it ever does, let's make them regret it. We can hold the cards again. We grow, we succeed, we still love them, but we do not mock them if they return, we embrace them, not desperately, but warmly as the feelings we harbor say we should.

 

- Bottomline- whatever was said at the breakup, she said to me- "Sorry Jason, but we are finished as a romantic couple" (forgive me while I go put my fist through the fridge), it is never permanent. I mean it. Death is permanent, this is not. My crimes do not deserve the punishment and I will not be punished by her forever.

 

Remember the Sad/Mad connundrum? What I meant is that we are almost powerless now to not be one or the other- let's realize it and sequester ourselves so that we do no more damage. Not for us, not for them, for us both. If we care about them and we believe something is there, then we will not insult them, curse them for hurting us and we will not degrade ourselves in front of them AT ALL ANYMORE. This is why no contact must be followed. Whatever is left, we destroy. We think that we can impose ourselves, but I can tell you I knew at ground zero that there was nothing I could say now, or anytime soon, that would steer her my way.

 

I will never be over her. I mean that. And I cry to you when I write that. I met her as a roommate after 9/11 in NYC. We spent 5 months as friends, I was respectful and never made any overtures as she was a roommate. One night three years ago she invited me to a wine-tasting/food pairing event in midtown. I was wearing a suit from an interview, she was dressed from work. It was so chemically infernal, yet I just enjoyed the evening with her. She is half Thai, half American. We got home after a long train ride, continuing a long conversation. We sat on the edge of my king sized bed forever. I do not know what prompted the kiss, but we did, and we made love and the passion was intense. I love her and I always will. Not because I am stupid, but because this was the great love of my life. I may not get there again, but I experienced it.

 

That is why I can have no contact. If this does not make it possible again, nothing will.

 

It matters enough that I am willing to risk anything for a chance at everything. I will not settle for a casual phone/email routine of rubbernecking eachother for progress.

 

There will come a time when they both know- if we stick to it, that the reason why we don't reach out/take the calls is that we value our own feelings, as well as our time with them. If they can't see that, then they are not worth it. We hope they do because self love is the first step, and shutting it all off to preserve the chance of reconcilliation is inhuman discipline- they have to respect that too and if they don't, they are not worth it.

 

If you are where I am, and you would like to keep something alive- aside from yourself, I think this is the only way to go.

 

Progress is incremental. I go days and feel ok, then I have days and I cry, I get shaken awake by terrible dreams of pursuing her in vain, I have to shake myself awake and start again.

 

Remember, the tough "never/forever/permanent" rhetoric is not what it seems. It is is cold, it hurts, but time heals and repositions perspectives. Have some confidence in that and you will be ok.

 

I am going out. If you would ever like to speak on the phone let me know and we can figure a way to exchange info.

 

Jason