... and two steps back

[Trimmer]

You know, it seemed like it was getting too easy. I was worrying that I was starting to go a bit numb, and it was actually getting a little bit scary. And just as I started wondering whether there would be someone waiting around some corner, ready to swing a 2x4 right at eye-level, to remind me what pain is.... WHACK! ...sure enough, it was delivered.

 

(Quick recap, about 8 months ago, wife started out with "I want to see a counselor about our marriage", but then over the next few months, she decided against that, "don't love you", "don't want to be married to you any more", suspicion of some kind of A, found solid evidence that it had been a long developing EA. I wish I had recognized her unmet needs, and willingly share responsibility for that, but don't especially like the EA having become a part of the psycho-drama... Divorce in process.)

 

So in what would be - in some other context - a hilarious mix-up, she accidentally sent a text message intended for OM to me, through a mis-use of the 'reply' function, I guess. She realized it too late, and so that evening she sat me down and gave me a heads-up before I saw it for myself, outlined the basic content, admitted to an embarassing lovey-dovey sign-off, etc... And you know, it honestly didn't matter that much to me, as I have made a good deal of progress letting go of her and our marriage, and accepting that she has a future that belongs only to her. I told her I would delete it without reading and not let it become an issue between us in moving forward in co-parenting the kids, etc, and that I had let her and our marriage go. I think she was more upset than I was, made some nice noises about how I was being so gracious, and even said she was sorry for "everything."

 

And we actually continued with a cordial and very positive discussion about some divorce logistics, and then about the kids - the kind of stuff I would like to continue to talk about together as concerned co-parents - scheduling stuff, sharing happy and fun observations, school issues, etc... But later the discussion descended into some stuff about our past, what went wrong, lying and deceit, the EA, etc... and it got notably less cordial (although still calm...)

 

Anyway, afterward, in processing all of this, an important point has occurred to me. All along, I realized, I have kind of believed that she's been in some kind of fog, or that she's confused or influenced, or fooling herself, and that I needed something like this to explain how the woman I loved and to whom I had devoted my entire soul could turn me away. I can't explain the whole complex path I took, feeling my way through these discussions and everything that had come before, but in the end, I came to realize that she's not in a fog, or lying to herself, or mentally defective or anything. She's leaving me because she wants to. It's not something unfortunate that's happening to her - it's something she's doing, something she's chosen to do. Intellectually obvious, now that I say it, but it's news to my heart.

 

Well, I'm not numb any more - that burning sting, the salty taste of blood from the 2x4 in my face... Although I will say that I have not returned to the hostile anguish, just back to the peaceful sadness - my "downer" emotion of choice. And I don't think it's masochism, but it's sort of reassuring: It's not quite that it feels good, but I appreciate that I still can feel, even if it's sad. I feel like riding the wave through the sadness is still making better progress than standing around being numb.

 

And ultimately, I can see that this "defining moment" (as my counselor appropriately called it) might provide a good bit of progress in my continuing journey towards letting go, so maybe it's not really two steps back after all. Gotta re-read my own signature line once in a while...

 

Thanks, y'all. Just needed to spew.

[Mz. Pixie]

Trimmer,

 

You are doing so well! I am envious of how you co parent with your STBXW. I would have given anything if my ex could have just seen beyond what was going on with us, to see what needed to be done for the kids.

[dgiirl]

Aww trimmer, just when we think we're close to the finishing line, it gets pulled farther away from us. Who knows what our ex's are thinking. I dont think they even know what they're doing. I hate when I think maybe he does know what he's doing, because it destroys the hope I have that he'll come back. But it's what we have to do to accept things. I'm starting to read "Uncoupling". It's a very good book and explains how things were wrong for such a long time and how they tried to resolve things on their own. It's painful because had I acknowledged the issues and been persistent about them, then maybe things could have been different.

 

Keep focusing on yourself sweetie! Keep your dignity and keep working with your stbxw with regards to the kids. You are doing the honorable thing and this is something you will be proud of yourself in 5, 10 and 50 years from now. It's a very desirable quality to have, and one day another woman will cherish that about you!

[Zetter]

I'm on all of these posts tonight. Anyway, I felt the same thing. I was moving on, and that is awesome. I got passed the "fog" notion, was accepting of the idea that she wasn't just being crazy for a while...she wasn't just playing games...she meant that she wanted out. I was sad as well, but was getting much better. Then she changed her mind and asked for more time to try to work on things. I could have said no, but that wasn't what I really wanted. Progress went boink. Good luck.

[Ladyjane14]

All along, I realized, I have kind of believed that she's been in some kind of fog, or that she's confused or influenced, or fooling herself, and that I needed something like this to explain how the woman I loved and to whom I had devoted my entire soul could turn me away. I can't explain the whole complex path I took, feeling my way through these discussions and everything that had come before, but in the end, I came to realize that she's not in a fog, or lying to herself, or mentally defective or anything. She's leaving me because she wants to. It's not something unfortunate that's happening to her - it's something she's doing, something she's chosen to do. Intellectually obvious, now that I say it, but it's news to my heart.

 

While I agee that not every WS is in a "fog", I've witnessed my own husband emerging from it. So, I think maybe it applies to some but not to ALL.

 

It's an MB concept having to do with the intoxicating effect of infatuation. I don't think infatuation necessarily always lends itself to affairs with other people. In some cases, it could be the feelings associated with whatever fantasy is at hand.

 

I'm not sure how a person can tell when it's REALLY "fog". Maybe the only indicator is your spouse coming back to you. I know mine can no longer readily identify with the person he was during that experience. I know that I felt like he was a stranger, but in some respects....so does he.

[Trimmer]

While I agee that not every WS is in a "fog", I've witnessed my own husband emerging from it. So, I think maybe it applies to some but not to ALL.

No, I'm with you - I can believe that it is probably a factor in almost all affairs. Actually, I wrestled with my own use of the word "fog" here, specifically because I didn't want to disparage the concept as we often discuss it here. My realization was more general, I think. As a defense mechanism, I had been feeling like my wife was somehow "in a fog", or confused, or being dishonest with herself or something. "She doesn't want to be with me, she must be crazy," right? Like she could wake up one morning, or a coconut would fall on her head, and it would be as simple as the fog lifting, and she would say, "Oh, I've been crazy - we need to get to fixing this right away!"

 

Well, I have finally accepted that she's not mentally defective, confused, out of her mind, or whatever. In fact, she has just made a decision that she doesn't want to be with me, and she's executing that decision. She wants to leave, and that's what she's doing.

 

I was sad as well, but was getting much better. Then she changed her mind and asked for more time to try to work on things. I could have said no, but that wasn't what I really wanted. Progress went boink.

Yeah, you know, I reached another turning point recently (which I refer to in another thread) where I realized that the prospect of trying to get back together and make things work was more daunting and scarier than the idea of moving forward without her. When I realized this, it brought some relief and felt like a real step forward, but I also felt grief, and guilt because I felt like I was giving up.

 

The thing I've wanted so desperately all along, if it came along now, it would scare the h*ll out of me. But I don't expect it will.

 

Zetter - I've been kind of keeping an eye out for you ever since your "What is going on" thread blew up - this is the first I remember you mentioning that she expressed an interest in working on things. How's that process going with you?

 

Mz Pixie and dgiirl - I kind of thought you guys would be here; I kind of hoped you would. Thanks.

 

Mz Pixie - In my recent minor funk, I've been a little snippy in some other posts, applying labels and making sweeping generalizations about "people who have affairs." And kind of hoping you wouldn't be reading, because you are a counterexample who gives me hope that people can come out of bad situations still deserving of the label "mature adult."

 

OK - I'm getting maudlin - time to get some sleep. Thanks, all of you.

[sylviaguardian]

Trimmer,

 

I don't really have any words of wisdom for you because I have never been in your situation, but I guess anything major that happens is a two-step forward, one-back process.

 

Getting a divorce is a major event for anyone, but especially for those who didn't want it in the first place. When these huge things happen we can't spend all day thinking about it or we would never get anything else done. I suppose sometimes we adopt a head in the sand approach in order to go about our daily business but then we get unexpectedly dragged back down to the reality. I think having these moments must be a good thing as you are slowly processing what is happening. A lot of men have a tendency to just blank things out which leads to an awful lot of anger later. I think you are doing amazingly well.

 

Big hugs

Sylvia

[Mz. Pixie]

Thanks Trimmer- I really appreciate your kind words.

 

I had a set back of sorts last night. In cleaning out some boxes I found a letter from my exhusband. He wrote it to me right before I moved out and it was pretty hard to read it in the state of mind that I'm in now.

 

I was just so not myself when all of that happened and even now I deeply regret what I did. The reality is, however, that I'm much happier without him than I was with him. Sure I do miss things about him and I wish that we could have a pleasant relationship for the sake of the kids- but he took me for granted for so long it just killed so much that I had for him.

 

The guy I'm married to now is so understanding about the whole thing it's unbelievable. Who else would listen to their wife have regrets about their divorce?? He just understands its hard for me, because I took my marriage so seriously and I was the last person I'd ever thought would be divorced.

 

I wasn't offended at all by your comments. What bothers me is when people generalize about people who have affairs when they haven't walked in their shoes or considered that there is pain on the other side.

[Zetter]

Trimmer - Thanks for asking. It's nice to know someone is interested. Things are as confusing as ever. I moved to London for a 2-3 month work stint. I figured it would be a good thing, although it's been pretty tough mentally to be away from everything, but a great experience nonetheless. I've been here 10 days, and my wife and I are supposed to be working on being friends, I guess by phone and email. The basic premise of our relationship now is to try to be friends, and if that works we could potentially try to work on a more serious and intimate relationship. She wanted to build the relationship over from ground up, but she also wanted to hedge her bet by "dating other people." She is currently dating some guy, but I know him and with a fair amount of certainty have come to the conclusion that she gets a "fun" side from him (i.e. let's go out and play pool and drink until the bars close) and a more "serious" or different kind of fun from me. Basically she gets comfort from knowing that in the end she could choose either of us, so is playing the tweener game right now. And I can either call it all off or see where it may go. She told me that we would date other folks, and at some point decide if we wanted to give it another shot and call it off with whomever we were "casually" dating. I have no desire to date, so I'm getting the short end of the stick so to speak. We email daily, but mostly just surface friendly stuff. Until yesterday she brought some real feelings into her email, which was nice to finally see. I'm going home for Thanksgiving, and we are going to get together for dinner and hang out. The hard part for me is that she seems to change her mind daily, and so I'm trying to back off and let her make up her own mind. Her email yesterday was very warm, and made it seem like she really did miss me and wanted to see me. On my phone call tonight she was relatively cold, and she seemed like if she could fit me in, she would. May seem like I'm playing the fool, and I may be. But to me it seems worth it to stick to our agreement, at least until we discern that there is nothing there. I have been trying to be as supportive and understanding as possible, and that isn't easy. I'm trying to figure out why I would even want to be with this person, and that is driving me crazy becuase I really do. But am afraid that what I wish for would really happen, and then what? I'd love to get your thoughts.

[scobro]

just back to the peaceful sadness - my "downer" emotion of choice.

 

Mine too but I find myself getting angry then back to sadness and so on and so onso......right when I feel good BAAAQAAAAM HIT WITH THE DOWNER SYNDROME OF SADNESS.I wish I could trade in my sadness for a little guilt....any cheaters out there want to trade?

[Tristram]

I wasn't offended at all by your comments. What bothers me is when people generalize about people who have affairs when they haven't walked in their shoes or considered that there is pain on the other side.

 

I am sorry for the rude things I have said to you Pixie. I finally can see the pain my wife is in also. But I dont know how to deal with the feelings I have. I let them out in ways I dont even intend, guess I have lost myself even. But hey, nothing lasts forever and we cant go back.

 

 

Trimmer,

I am experienceing that same comfortably numb state. All I can say my friend is life goes on. I know it will get better for you. Especially when the divorce is over and you can completly move on. Take care of yourself.

[Mz. Pixie]

Thanks Tristam, that's a nice thing to say.

 

I'm certainly disturbed by so much I've read on the boards lately. Is it anyone but me that notices it's more men posting about their wives cheating than the other way around??? It makes me sad.......

[dgiirl]

What disturbs me is the amount of people who cheat and yet they take pleasure in it. That makes me sad and sick.

 

I can understand how someone can turn to another because there's something missing in the relationship. When you feel alone and isolated and you have someone there who is willing to listen. It's comforting and builds your self esteem. It's an infatuation and a high and it shows you all the things that are wrong in your relationship. I can understand how that situation develops.

 

What i dont understand are these OW/OM who are boasting about being with married men. For me, if a guy has a GF, he's off limits, let alone a married man. I have a lot more respect for myself and I'm not concieted enough to think that if he'll cheat with me he wont cheat on me. I want someone with integrity who realizes that cheating is bad. We all make mistakes, so I dont judge you based on if you've cheated or not, but if you did, how you handled the situation after you did it. If you show remorse for your actions and learned from the experience and you never repeated the same mistake, then that makes you a good person. But these people gloating about it. It's simply disgusting.